Jenny Glick shares her key for better and more frequent sex: Let go of the stereotypes you hold about about desire.
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As a couples therapist, I talk about sex a lot throughout my day. How much sex is happening in relationships, what kind of sex is happening in relationships, what kind of sex is being fantasized about in relationships…but mostly what kind of sex is NOT happening in relationships.
Disclaimer: I am a card-carrying feminist (I have a master’s degree is Women’s Studies to boot) and what I am going to say I mean in the most power-should-be-shared-not-wielded kind of a way. While I am referring to research that uses terms like “husband” or “wife”, my experience tells me this is relevant for both genders and applies to same-sex couples just as much as it does to heterosexual couples. Also, I am talking to those of you in healthy, committed relationships free from emotional and physical abuse who are yearning for something more or bored to tears by what your sex life has become.
Sometimes your wife wants you to do her.
Not make love, not have sex…but do.
And sometimes your wife wants to do you, too.
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It’s time to throw away the stereotypes of what men and women do or don’t desire.
Recently, I was re-reading a favorite relationship book, “Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion in Your Relationship” by Dr. David Scharch and there it was in black and white…”the hardest person to fuck is your spouse”.
It can also be true that when sex is good…when it is really, really good, most people are not going to turn it down.
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Dr. Scharch talks about high-desire sex partners and low-desire sex partners…and you are one of the two in your relationship. Usually, we think that the low-desire sex partner doesn’t have a sex drive but this is not necessarily the case. Often, the low-desire partner is…well, as Dr. Scharch puts it “A fire-breathing momma who looks sexually uninterested, but who is frustrated, angry, and misses being done.”
All of this can feel very confusing because on one hand your husband or wife may be saying, “I need you to connect with me emotionally” and “I am too tired to have sex.” These are probably true…AND it can also be true that when sex is good…when it is really, really good, most people are not going to turn it down.
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If your partner turns the tables and takes the power-role in bed, are you able to receive and allow yourself to be taken?
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To show up and do your partner, there needs to be equal parts of confidence, connection, passion, and intention. Fear of rejection, fear of being good enough, and fear of not performing like his/her last partner do not make for a rockin’ sexual experience. If you are having these fears than it’s a good time to do some of your own emotional work so that these fears are contaminating your relationship.
This also requires enormous vulnerability and courage from both of you. It necessitates that you both show up in new ways and throw out the well-worn scripts that you have used for years in bed. If you want to devour your partner sexually, he/she needs to have the capacity to be exposed to this kind of passion and intention (read: you must have some healthy trust going on). Similarly, if your partner turns the tables and takes the power-role in bed, are you able to receive and allow yourself to be taken?
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Esther Perel has written for years about the relationship between danger and desire and the ways that our relationships and marriages by design are safe and predictable. This predictability serves many functions of the business of long-term love but not does not always serve our sexual expression. Sexual desire often is piqued by what stretches us outside of our comfort zones (why do you think “50 Shades of Gray” was such a success?), by what feels edgy and new…and sometimes what is off-limits (affairs are a popular outlet for this).
The take home message:
- Do your own emotional work
- Be willing to throw out what you think you know about yourself and your partner
- Create a little bit of healthy danger to get things revved up.
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Ready for things to get hotter? Read: Striking the Match: Six Ways to Add Variety to Your Sex Life
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Photo: Gabriel S. Delgado/ Flickr
Hi Jenny: This was a well written piece and i have read all the Snarch books too in my late 40’s when I was discovering my libido on the wane along with my hormones and was looking to find a “fix” . Now as a 52 year old woman who has been there done that when it comes to every sex variation possilbe (kink, same sex sex, sex toys, doing each other etc ) I sometmes get a weary feeling when I read these sorts of sex life improvement articles. Here is why: The underlying assumption which is NEVER questioned… Read more »
Lori Ann, You bring up a number of interesting points that I won’t be able to address adequately here…but I will take a 5 minute stab at it. I totally agree that as a culture we pathologize the natural ebb and flow of our desire idealizing the “youthful libido” well into our 60’s when for many the sun has set on those years…and they are just fine with that. As a couples therapist, I talk regularly with couples about the normalcy of periods without sex in a longterm relationship — and most are stunned at this fact imagining that everyone… Read more »
This is what is known in BDSM circles as a variation of ‘ switching ‘.
Switch’s are neither dominant or submissive but are both depending on their partners and their partners mood and can go from being soft and submissive or on equal terms to totaly dominant and in charge in seconds from wanting to ‘make love ‘ to wanting to fuck or be fucked like a flick of a switch
I am a new reader to the Good Men Project. Many of the articles have had some emotional resonance with me and I check in on an almost-daily basis. However, a proofreader would be a great asset to your staff. This particular article has already tripped me up multiple times: “than” instead of “then”, “of” instead of “have,” “their” instead of “they’re.” If the language of the mind and heart are to be given the same legitimacy as the numbers of science, clarity will matter. This article is by no means the first with sloppy grammar and editing – merely… Read more »
Hi Laura,
Maybe I should hired you as my proofreader! 🙂 Thanks for the comments…
Heather, thanks for your answer. I’m calling out what I see as a catch 22 here. You should always assure to have consent whatever you do with your partner, yes. But “doing” your partner as desribed here, my interpretation of it is that either the consent is implicit, or you’ll receive it afterwards. (Otherwise, what is “off-limits” and where is the “healthy danger”?) But if you are in the kind of sexually frustrated relationship that the srticle starts off with, either way of achieving consent is probably not true! My point is, if your partner is in the state of… Read more »
Interesting points, Kal. I see how it might seem like a Catch 22 and I think, like many aspects of our relationships, there is a lot of complexity and nuance involved in the connection….and in maintaining a healthy connection. There is no “paint-by-number” when it comes to our relationships but rather staying conscious, awake, and willing instead. Thanks for the comment!
Thank *you*, Jenny.
There are ways to “do” your partner that will gain consent. My ex used to ask me for sex….and if I was tired, or not feeling it I would say so and no sex would be had. But instead of asking when I got home…..if he had grabbed me, out me up against the wall and kissed me passionately…I would have been all yes, yes, Yes! The point is, you can’t stop doing the hot spontaneous “I need to screw you right now” foreplay when you were just dating. Grab her and “take” that passionate kiss. Feel her up a… Read more »
Worth to consider is that it CAN be like this… that your partner just misses being done when s/he is angry and frustrated… But for a person who runs a higher risk of e.g. being reported to the police for assessing the situation wrong, I guess it’s not that big of a surprise if that person is VERY reluctant to act in the complete opposite of the partner’s request…
Kal, I am not sure Jenny has said anything here about not getting consent. Partners can do one another with consent. She’s talking more about the attitude, energy, and lust that can be brought into a relationship, and you don’t lose the intensity of any of those things by assuring consent first.
Thanks for the comment, J. Yes, there are lots of taboos, stereotypes, and emotional land mines when it comes to sex and sexuality. These can make it tough to tease out what is really going on in a relationship.
This is very interesting, the “Make Love” VS “Screw/F#ck” conflict is very real and I like how you said a Person is either 1 or the other in the Relationship. I would like to add that Those that like to “do” their Spouse-S/O are known as Nymphs/Nymhos, which shouldn’t be confused with Sex Addicts. I Like Sex, I know when I’m “making love” and when I’m “screwing/f#cking”. I like being In Control but even more when a Woman Embraces HER Sexual Desires. When youspeak about the Woman who seems Unintrested but Deep Down is Repressed and a ” fire-breathing momma… Read more »