Rita Templeton, author at scarymommy.com, has some advice for boys discovering their anatomy.
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My dearest sons,
You know the dangly appendage that occupies your thoughts and/or your hands for a large percentage of the day? Well, as a concerned mother, I feel it’s my duty to enlighten you on the subject of your penis.
Now, never having been in possession of one myself, I can’t be considered an outright expert, but I’d like to think that my experience raising you counts for something. After all, I’ve seen enough nakedness around this piece to rival any nude resort. So, for you, and any other boys out there, here are nine things you should know about your penis.
1. Relax; Your penis won’t fall off. It will stay right there in your pants (provided you’re wearing any), so you can stop clutching it while you watch TV and falling asleep with it in your fingers. In fact, it will be with you for the rest of your life, so maybe you should think about being a little less rough with it.
2. One exception: Having a firm grip on it is encouraged — and preferred — when using the toilet. It’s floppy, and when you don’t have it under control, you spray like a leaky hose.
3. Keep it in your drawers, ok? (This is a piece of advice that will have a different, but equally significant, meaning during your teen years — so don’t forget it.) There’s really no need to lay it on your brother’s arm. Or dip it in your chocolate milk. Or poke it through the hole of a DVD. Or wrap it around your eating utensils. Or your pencil. Or your brother’s pencil.
4. It might not hurt you when you stretch it out ten miles long like it’s made of rubber, but it hurts me just looking at it, so stop.
5. On rare occasions, you may actually let go of it in order to grasp something else. Like a sandwich, or your brother’s face. In the event of such occasions, hand-washing before you touch anything else is the courteous (and sanitary) thing to do.
6. It’s not the end of the world when it’s facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown.
7. It’s handy and portable and all that, but just because you can pee anywhere doesn’t mean you should.
8. If you’re gonna stretch/dangle/pull/twist/twiddle or otherwise manhandle (boy-handle?) it, please do so in your room and spare us all a little awkwardness. Please.
9. I’ve seen it a million times, so there’s no need to waggle it in my direction after your bath, nor make it dance and jump around by thrusting around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also goes for your dad, so pass that tidbit along.)
I’m hoping this letter will serve as a handy reference to the proper penile etiquette, and that you’ll start having a little ding-dong dignity.
You’ll thank me later… or at least your wife will.
Lots of love,
Mommy
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This article originally appeared on Scary Mommy.
Photo courtesy of original article.
6. It’s not the end of the world when it’s facing the wrong way or bunched up in your underwear. No need for a meltdown
when that happens it is actually very very uncomfortable .
so it is not surprising that boys under 5/6 yo would meltdown.
less dismissiveness, more empathy pls.
correct penis placement, and not just laying it anywhere is also good for women to know when they are changing a boy’s nappies(diapers). (men should already know this)
Just so you know, it actually is not uncomfortable for infants. It is FAR better for every one involved (especially mummy’s sanity) if you point the penis downward in the diaper. It can, in fact, be placed in all sorts of ways until they’re older, usually about the time they can start taking care of such things themselves.
There really is no need for a meltdown, at least until 4 years or so. But, in fairness, the ‘wrong’ cup makes most kids under 7 have a tantrum so really… It’s all gonna be ok.
Just so you know, it actually is not uncomfortable for infants
nonsense, how long have u had a penis now. lol. what would u know about having a penis in the wrong position.
god the arrogance
Excuse me, do you have a penis? if no, dont talk please…
very funny… I wonder if girls were born with breasts would they play with them and obsess over them the way boys do with their genitals. I’ve never tried wrapping my labia around anything as a kid or see how far I can stretch it. I’ve never spread eagle to get a laugh.. I wonder if this has to do with the reactions of people.. I’ve seen naked boys and boys streaking or showing off and get a laugh and a “put it away” by parents. It’s no big deal. Girls on the other hand would get in trouble for… Read more »