You don’t want games. You don’t want new drama. You want clarity, well-stated intention, and a clear communication style with this person. Anything less is a red flag.
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This whole business of online dating has gotten too serious.
We’re way too focused on type-a goals.
- Find a date.
- Arrange an in-person meeting.
- Assess the “relationship” quality of the person.
- Pass, Fail, Repeat.
But love, or looking for a real relationship, is not really a type-a task.
In the driven mode of dating we get this kind of criteria.
- Has (or doesn’t have) children.
- Want’s more (or doesn’t want any) children.
- Is Christian, or whatever “spiritual but not religious” means.
- Would sleep with someone on the first date, given the right circumstances. Or wouldn’t consider sleeping with someone until the 6 – 10th date.
- Is successful in business and likes travel to exotic locations. Or still working for a living.
- Partier (most pictures have drink in hand) or “social drinker” or “doesn’t drink at all.”
- Has a rockin bod. Or not.
And while these are some valid criteria, they are more for sorting through the cattle-call of online dating profiles, rather than looking for a relationship. In a word they are a bit superficial.
So there are some other alternatives to online dating that are worth looking at, if you are seeking a mate. Or perhaps even a one-night-stand, if that’s your thing.
- Meetup Groups
- Activitity Groups
- Spiritually-related Groups
- Workout Groups
When you think about the person you might like to be spending your Saturday afternoon and Saturday night with, where do you imagine you might be on any given Saturday afternoon? And then it’s your opportunity/responsibility to get yourself there. She/he might already be there. If you know the types of activities you’d like to be doing with another person, then get yourself to those activities as a single person and see if there are any other singles there.
The first task of finding a partner is showing up.
For example if you were recently excited by the World Cup, you might have found a public place to go view the game. You might have stayed home and watched it on your computer. And even if that is what you would’ve liked to do with a “special friend” it’s not very likely that you are going to be introduced to them while in your pj’s in your living room. Get out there.
The second task of finding a partner is brightening up your presence.
You want to be the brightest spark in the room. If you are happy with yourself, and confident in your mission, you can walk into a room full of drinking soccer fans and still hold your own torch. If your torch (your self-love, self-confidence) is sputtering, perhaps that’s a good place to put your attention. Get your game in order before going out looking for game.
The third task of finding a partner is learning how to be charming.
Listening is an art. Often it is the most confident people who can listen better than others. The one’s who are always needing to tell stories, be brilliant, and obviously work to hard at being charming, are often the one’s who are still trying to find their inner confidence. If you want to be heard, listen. It’s the most powerful thing you can do in the opening “is there chemistry” moments of a face-to-face meeting.
The fourth task of finding a partner is showing your enthusiasm by actions and not just words.
If you want a second date, say it. If you don’t want a second date, tell them too. And if you BOTH want a second date, you won’t need to be emailing each other later to see if there was “chemistry.” Believe me, if there’s chemistry, you will both be asking “What’s next?” And the answer will sound like this, “What are you doing for dinner?” or “What are you doing tomorrow night, I’ve got tickets to …” If you have to ask, there’s probably not a connection. If there is a connection, and you are BOTH actually wanting a relationship, you will both be asking for the next meeting.
So much of this process is figuring out who is playing games, who is really ready for something, and who are so damaged from their previous relationships that they are in no real position to be available.
The final task of finding a partner is being brutally honest.
You don’t want games. You don’t want new drama. You want clarity, well-stated intention, and a clear communication style with this person you might actually be interested in. Anything less is a red flag.
If you feel it, say it. If you don’t feel it, say that too. Then return to task one, LISTEN. The more you listen the more attractive you will seem to the other person.
And the final tip of romancing a potential mate: Say their name back to them, repeatedly, like a poem.
The sweetest sound in the human language is one’s own name. – John Brock
Good luck out there.
Always Love,
The Whole Parent
@wholeparent [And check out the rest of the story on The Whole Parent.]
related posts:
- We Have So Few Chances to Feel Loved
- What A Single Dad Wants In the *Next* Relationship
- Building the Perfect Lover: 13 Touch Points On the Path to Relationship
- Learning About Sex and Dating As We Go Along
image: meg terney at comic con, the chive, creative commons usage
I tried meet up.com once and it was very awkward and it felt so unnatural. Best thing is just to do things you like doing on your own and if you meet someone great. Most people do not meet someone because they are too closed and unavailable to open their heart. It has nothing to do with strategy, but with willingness to be open and vulnerable and taking a chance. Also smile at people and be real…
Well, to meet people you do actually have to go out. Activity groups (meetup or other) are great ways to rub elbows with other potential people.
Yes, show up where the woman you would like to meet would be on any particular night or afternoon. If she already likes doing what you like doing, you’re well on your way. Introductions are part of the activity group process. Good luck.
I agree. If a person wants to find another, then it is always good to get out in the real world. Go where the types of people are that you would be interested in. An important dating tip is just to relax. If we are relaxed then we can listen and warm up to the other person so much easier. Other singles are also attracted to someone who is relaxed. Honesty, I agree. So many people saying a lot of rubbish and it really does no good in the long run. Finally, for us who are shy or worried in… Read more »
I joined a camera club, there are plenty of women..15-20 or more, more women than men, ALL married! Sometimes clubs/groups don’t help either.