Psychologist Sandy Peace discusses how polyamory can check male privilege while fostering open and honest communication among partners.
What straight or bi guy hasn’t fantasized about bedding two women at a time? Or at least having two lovers? In a heteronormative, monogamous world, this fantasy is out of reach, except in porn. The only real-life alternative is cheating. If you value honesty and fidelity in your relationships, getting your desire for multiple lovers met this way leads to feeling guilty. And the betrayal of trust your partner experiences when you do tell them (or they find out) results in a rupture in the relationship that may lead to separation.
In the world of polyamory, the fantasy of multiple partners is a reality. Polyamory, literally “many loves” (“poly” is Greek for “many”, and “amory” is Latin for “love), is “the practice of engaging in multiple sexual [loving] relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned.” Sounds great, right!?! Hell yes!…And there are a lot of barriers set up by the dominant culture’s patriarchal, gendered relationship structure that make it difficult to implement.
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First, let’s acknowledge that monogamy equals ownership. I am yours, you are mine, ‘till death do us part. Add in patriarchy: women are the property of men. For progressive men, this sounds old-fashioned. So let’s examine the double standard men and women have around expressing sexuality and having sex. Men can, and are expected to, get down at any time with as many people as possible. They are expected to flaunt their sexual exploits, actively solicit sex, and have cultural permission to bed multiple people – or keep a mistress. Modern women find themselves encouraged to live by the adage “a lady on the streets, a freak between the sheets.” Women are “good girls” and not allowed to express sexual desire directly. As such, men are put in control of women’s sexual expression with the “I know you want it” assumption that takes away a woman’s ability to initiate sex (even if men want her to), having sex for the man’s sake, and too often results in sexual boundary crossings. In this high context mating game, so many unspoken culturally socialized stereotypes are at play, that it’s hard to sort out what we really want. Add to that the reliance of covert communication, rules, and behaviors to get our needs met (i.e. “the dating game”) and the potential for both men and women to be hurt greatly increases.
Sandy Peace discusses polyamorous relationships.
Polyamory takes away much of the guesswork by equalizing the sexual playing field where women and men are striving for more equality in relationships. The polyamory movement is largely led by bisexual women. (Not that patriarchy doesn’t infiltrate the system via the eroticism of “hot bi babes” and the reliance on women to carry the bulk of the “emotional burden” in relationships with men.) Within polyamory there is permission to talk about sexual/emotional desires and boundaries within the context of multiple relationships. “How will this new relationship affect my existing ones?” “Do I have time for another relationship?” “How do we want to define this relationship? (i.e. friends with benefits, partners, once a year lover?) What kind of sex do we want to have? These are common conversations…and there are no set answers.
This leads to another challenge: talking deeply with partners about feelings, needs, and relationship agreements. Not just with one partner, with several. One of my male research participants
explained it this way: “Some of my male friends were like, ‘Yay! You get two women!’ And I’m like, ‘Trust me. There are days when I would rather just date lots of girls because it’s simpler.’ …But that’s not what I am going for though. I want a relationship that is going to be long and strong and lasting. So, working out the dynamics of that when there are two women in your life can be extremely challenging, and somewhat dramatic, so there is a fair amount of drama regarding my decisions.”
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I think you’re getting the idea that practicing polyamory takes masterful communication skills. In the realm of communication and emotional empathy, women are often socialized to succeed at this, and men might find themselves in the dark. Rest assured, these are not (necessarily) genetic predispositions. Communication and empathy are also learned behaviors, and people of all genders can be highly successful at it with some concerted effort.
It’s a lot more emotionally safe when you’re the only available dick around. The underlying problem is not that your woman is fucking other people, it’s that the power patriarchy and monogamy granted you to control access to her sexuality is gone.
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In the framework of high context monogamous assumptions, some people worry that all this honesty and explicit discussion kills the mystery and desire of sex. However, like taking time to put on a condom can “kill the moment,” so too can putting on a condom help you relax and enjoy sex without the worry of STI’s or pregnancy. Plus, there are sexy ways to put on a condom, just as there are sexy ways of talking about sexual desire and limits.
One of the unexpected pitfalls for men in polyamory is that their female partners often like it and are highly successful at it, while they are sitting home alone. Here’s the scenario: a man in a monogamous relationship with a woman wants to have multiple sexual partners. After some cajoling and research, his partner consents to trying it. He is sooooo excited about the possibility of bedding two women that he can barely keep his pants on. They go to a social gathering, or try online dating, and meet other poly people. She finds a lover before he does, her initial reluctance melts away, and soon she’s happily fucking several people and organizing potlucks. Meanwhile, he’s struggling to find a date and is sitting home lonely and dejected while she’s out having fun, wondering why the hell he ever convinced her to try this in the first place. Guys, let’s face it…it’s a lot more emotionally safe when you’re the only available dick around. The underlying problem is not that your woman is fucking other people, it’s that the power patriarchy and monogamy granted you to control access to her sexuality is gone. She’s in control of it now. And that’s a phenomenon patriarchy didn’t prepare you for – that’s the price of privilege.
Once you get past this initial loss of privilege, and get used to having a female partner empowered to get her sexual needs met, you may find that the benefits of direct communication and ability to connect with others sexually in an open and honest way, far outweigh “being in control” of the sexual situation. According to the laws of physics, a body in motion stays in motion. So too with sex – the more and better sex you get, the more you want and give. For many formerly monogamous couples, polyamory helps re-energize a stagnant love life sexually and emotionally. And who doesn’t want that?
Photo–Flickr/Satanoid
If women have an easier time getting into relationship than men- especially in a polyamorous context, … I think that this needs to go onto the Female Privilege checklist, and women need to acknowledge it. “I have the power to get into an intimate sexual relationship with relative ease.” Feminism has said that its about equality. Women have through their efforts conquered many obstructions to equality: social obstructions, ideological obstructions, religious obstructions, even several biological obstructions. And yet, I see no effort from women to seek an equality in “ask and apply for intimate connection.” Such a power women have… Read more »
who is she referencing? just random people?
Dr., Elisabeth Sheff just did a 17year Longitudinal study of poly families. Results are in her new book published this year Polyamorists next door. and more research is happening all the time.
The photo used at the top of this article is a horrible representation of “good men” It shows individuals breaking EVERY RULE of firearm safety. It also is offensive to victims of gun violence. Survivors of suicide victims, and those who are fearful of guns. Please rethink the opening photo and theimpact your message has on others. thanks
Billy Holder
Poly, Proud and a gun owner.
I just want to say that as some one that consciously identifies not as a feminist, or any other such title, but a humanist; one that believes in the rights of the human being, not diversionary ideals and separations between the sexes, genders, etc. I am moved by some of the very well handled retorts and responses by many of the individuals here as well as Sandy Peace. As someone who has maintained a rather unorthodox relationship for several years and personally identifies as polyamerous, I have recently found myself not wanting to bother with extra relationships because i find… Read more »
Guys, let’s face it…it’s a lot more emotionally safe when you’re the only available dick around. The underlying problem is not that your woman is fucking other people, it’s that the power patriarchy and monogamy granted you to control access to her sexuality is gone. She’s in control of it now. And that’s a phenomenon patriarchy didn’t prepare you for – that’s the price of privilege. Ah yes, flipping the genders in a situation is what usually passes for ‘equality’ these days. This is a total non sequitur – being bummed out about it being harder for you to get… Read more »
That sounds like a good possibility.
David I would be reluctant to date a bi-sexual man as I would feel that I could not meet all his needs and that would lead to self doubt and emotional turmoil. I would be worried that he would never be fully satisfied. It is not fair but in all honesty that is what would happen in my mind as much as I could try to logic my way out of that thinking and effectively discriminate against someone who could be a great match I and probably a lot of women are just not that emotionally mature. Having said that… Read more »
Sorry typo
Fear commitment !
Hi Sandy
May I ask two questions?
Are there any good longitudinal studies that can tell us how these relationships develop over time, a life time and into old age ?
Did you find that persons that fear closeness and committee say for example after sexual abuse in their childhood feel this is a less threatening type of relationship to be in than traditional monogamous relationships?
Hi Silke. There is woefully little research on polyamorous relationships, though that is changing. I do not know of any longitudinal studies. Deborah Anapol has written three books spanning from 1992 to 2010 based on her personal and professional experience, with polyamory. In her newest book, Polyamory in the 21st Century, she discusses how polyamory can be beneficial or problematic for people with past trauma experiences. If memory serves, her key points are that because relationships and boundaries are often talked about explicitly in polyamory, it can build useful skills and safety for people with a trauma background. Some spread… Read more »
This might be a little off topic but I also wonder why most heterosexual women are afraid to get into a relationship with a bisexual man? There are plenty of straight men that are willing to date bisexual women but the majority of straight women do not want to date or have sex with a bisexual man. -This coming from a bisexual man.
This could be a whole article (and maybe it will be!). I see the same things as you. Many straight women are afraid of the potential of getting AIDS. The whole cultural misinformation of HIV/AIDS being a “gay man’s disease” has thoroughly infiltrated our culture to the detriment of everyone, but particularly gay and bi men. As a bi/pan-woman, I have been rejected by lesbians who expressed I have been “contaminated by men.” Overall, people who are outside the sexual/gender binary (or any binary for that matter) are often misunderstood and marginalized. A topic definitely worthy of future discussion!
While I agree that maybe the reason for some women, I think it’s also because women don’t want to have to think that they have to compete against both men and women for your love. You seem to come down on men for wanting to ‘own’ their women in a monogamous relationship, but most women are just as bad. They don’t want to have to worry about another woman (or man) taking their man away from them. Far more men are ok with the idea of Polyamory relationships than women are. Most women want nothing to do with it and… Read more »
“What straight or bi guy hasn’t fantasized about bedding two women at a time? Or at least having two lovers?” -You assume way too much about men. Not all men fantasize about having sex with multiple women. Also I disagree that a monogamous relationship equals ownership. I think it’s entirely possible for people in a monogamous relationship to be able to communicate, support, empathize with each other just as people in a poly relationship could. I found that this article really seems to bash monogamy and seems to make a lot of stereotypical assumptions about men and women.
David. Of course not every man fantasizes about having sex with two people at once. But I bet the percentage of people who have had sexual desire for more than one person in their lifetime is close to 100%. As to the ownership part – this has historically been what monogamy is about. Perhaps with modern monogamy, exclusivity is a better word. I guess the underlying point I’m getting at is that there are arbitrary boundaries at which our connection with people who are not our partner get cut off. So, if I’m sexually attracted to someone, and monogamous, I… Read more »
Rebecca – YES! Some people are naturally monogamous and for others it just doesn’t work, which is why I advocate for multiple relationship styles being considered valid. And yes, I agree, that neither is good or bad.
This is an excellent article, but I feel like it is lacking the idea that some people are naturally monogamous, and other are naturally poly, and that being inherently one or the other is not a bad thing!
I disagree with poly-bashing, as I think it’s fine and dandy for those who identify as poly and are not satisfied with monogamy. It’s just as valid as monogamy. But this article is mono-bashing, and is honestly complete crap. If you want to educate others on polyamory, and how it can be beneficial for SOME people, since not all fit within the mainstream, awesome. But you don’t need to do it in a way that makes those of us who have CHOSEN monogamy, and also value communication, honesty and sexual equality as victims of patriarchy.
Shannon, I see your point, that as a person that has *CHOSEN* (key word) monogamy, this article feels mono-bashing. I personally differentiate between compulsory monogamy and chosen monogamy – monogamous coupling is the dominant cultural paradigm for relationships, is presented as the only way of doing it, and I would argue most people do it without it being a conscious, chosen decision. My view is we are all socialized into a sexist (racist, classist, ageist, etc) society and to break free of acting on these unconsciously held beliefs, we need to step back and examine them. Some may very well… Read more »
Where did you get your information on mono relationships? I honestly do not think you know, for one second what you are talking about. All this article is is mono bashing and generalizations. Next time research, learn and stop insulting people, or hell, I dunno, write about what you actually know maybe!? Strange concept I know!
Thank you for your comment. My response to Shannon (below) addresses it. And, well, it’s hard to formulate a complete treatise on the state of relationships and patriarchy in 1000 words. It is a complex topic, and not everyone does monogamy the same way. And, there is opportunity to address sexism and male privilege within monogamy, too. And, yes, I am generalizing, because women – as a group – are still making less money, doing the bulk of housework/child rearing, etc., etc. AND monogamy is the dominant paradigm for relationships. It’s hard not to start seeing the parallels. (And I’m… Read more »
Hi Sandy
Thanks for the informative video!
Will you answer questions?
Indeed. Feel free contact me directly. (A quick Google search will get you the info.)
I am unclear why this article assumes that monogamy is coextensive with female oppression. Among my friends the staunchest advocates of monogamy are women. I know more men that advocate polyamory. The women I know in particular that take objection, have multiple advanced degrees and exercise a high degree of autonomy in all areas of their lives. Are these women victim to some sort of false consciousness? The article really lost me with this quote “First, let’s acknowledge that monogamy equals ownership.” I personally prefer monogamy because, as a creative introvert, I channel most of my energy into my own… Read more »
Mike, I wish GMP had a “like” button because I would have definitely used it here. Well stated sir …. thank you. But we have to be honest here … we are now on the proverbial slippery slope. If I read this right, polyamore is nothing similar to “swinging” which is more sexually focused. Polyamore is about loving relationships between multiple partners… so my question is this. Why can’t “marriage” be yet redefined to include polyamore relationships?
Well stated Mike. I also want to comment on the image – not what I would have chosen, but it got people to click on the article. We play the game. And I *totally* hear that as an introvert multiple complex emotional relationships would be a drain. Food for thought – sometimes extroverts who do want to connect with multiple people, are not able to negotiate this successfully with their partner, and they break up because they are incompatible. Polyamory can be *one way* to navigate this (not the only way, of course). I also want to acknowledge that the… Read more »
By way of adding to this conversation here’s a NYT piece that discusses, among other
things the relationship between sexual variety and happiness — a noteworthy conclusion:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/20/opinion/sunday/arthur-c-brooks-love-people-not-pleasure.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1
Been there, done that, never again. And for the record, I was the “third person” so the sour taste left in my mouth is most certainly not “loss of patriarchal male privilege” whateverthehell that means.
Must be nice to have a one-size-fits-all explanation on hand though.
Yes, many “secondary partners” (aka the “third person”) have difficulty when relating to a “primary” couple – their needs don’t get met, they are not a part of decisions, they get left out or their needs are not prioritized. So – there – I said it…Primary and Secondary partners. Polyamory has hierarchy too, and it is a huge debate within the community about how to combat this. One of the problems is that this way of relating is so ingrained in our culture, we don’t have words for an alternative. Sounds like you had a painful experience and have decided… Read more »
I am currently in a triad with a man and his wife. I don’t always get my needs met and we do go round and round about it at times, but for the most part I get my needs met quite successfully, and definitely more successfully than in a Strait monogamous relationship, since the communication has to be so clear.
Your concept of patriarchy makes me want to bang my head on a desk. As does your concept of what constitutes control in a relationship. It sounds like you’re less into polyamory and more into cuckoldry.
Dee, Thank you for your comments. I’m going to think on that…
“it’s that the power patriarchy and monogamy granted you to control access to her sexuality is gone. She’s in control of it now.” I think you’re forgetting a key component of how monogamy was beneficial to women. Although, I do agree that monogamy is currently more likely to be beneficial to men than women. As you asserted, it’s rather easy for a woman to find a lover. Anyway, here it goes: Before child support laws and paternity tests, women couldn’t be sure that a man would stick around to help support the child. Men could run off whenever they felt… Read more »
B.N. thank you for your input. Yes, the institution of monogamy created a safety net for women to get their need met before women regularly worked outside of the home, had access to birth control, and there were laws to ensure financial support if the husband left. Within that system, though, some women had to endure maltreatment from men – infidelity, physical and emotional abuse – because the woman leaving was not an option. Of course, not all men are abusive, and some women left anyway. The crux of it is that men still had control of the relationship because… Read more »