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I have previously written that I do not need a son to be happy. But, now there’s something else I must say: Boys terrify me. Or, at least, other people’s boys. Okay fine, it’s the parents of boys that I fear.
When I know that boys are coming over for a play date with my daughters, I start to itch. I scan my home for weak spots, for traps and nuisances, for things that may draw a boy’s attention. And, I wonder what damage awaits my possessions, or my children, at the end.
Don’t get me wrong. Not all boys. But, yes all parents experience what I am describing.
When I know these boys are coming over to play with my daughters my heart races and I steel myself because I know a storm is headed my way. A whirlwind of destruction, slapped televisions, outlets and cords dissected, safety gates hurdled, every shelf and cabinet invaded, and toys scattered everywhere. Someone or something is likely to get hurt. It is a storm of parental neglect. Because, you know, boys will be boys.
Except, that’s bullshit. It’s more like parents will be turds.
Let’s set the record straight, shall we? There is no question that there are biological differences between the sexes; boys have higher levels of testosterone which makes them, on average, more physically active and aggressive. Okay, fine. But, every other difference is cultural. Indeed, boys “are not assholes by nature.” In other words, parenting is critical. It is the lowered expectations that sexism allows parents to place on boys which in turn permit boys to become what we think of as boyish.
Here’s a secret: Girls fart and burp – and find it funny – and their shit does not smell like roses. They yell, they hit, they push, they misbehave, they make messes, they throw food on the floor, they don’t always like sharing, they can be mean, they are defiant, they test boundaries.
Do I just throw my hands up and excuse their behavior by saying “girls will be girls?” That would be much easier. No. I discipline and provide guidance for my children, teach them manners and how to treat others, and, no matter how frustrating it is, I will repeat lessons (for years if necessary) until they learn how to behave. This is parenting.
Failure to do these things for boys is not only sexist and lazy. It is an abdication of parental responsibility, a responsibility to both the child and the world around him. Parenting is hard work, endless work, and there are no shortcuts. If you fail to do the work, the resulting product will be poor.
And yet, too many times I’ve seen parents of boys relaxing on my couch while their sons are subjected to no limitations from them.
I am not just terrified of boys because I am worried about toys in my house getting broken. I am terrified because we have seen over and over again where the “boys will be boys” mentality has gotten us. This mentality has created a self-control gap; girls learn to regulate their behavior and boys don’t. And, combined with the “man box” many boys learn to enter, which precludes them from learning and practicing empathy, we end up with boys and men who express their emotions through violence, who have a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and no self-control. Think Elliot Rodger, Chris Plaskon, Jameis Winston, Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, the Sayreville boys, and on and on.
As Buzz Bissinger recently wrote about the root of sports scandals, boys and men in clubhouses and locker rooms live in a “cocoon of insularity and extreme pampering.” Worse, he noted that while they face criticism and accountability for every single mistake on the field, “by design, on the field of real life, the athlete rarely faces similar accountability.” And, he explained that with all the focus on winning, “athletes don’t distinguish right from wrong because they actually have no idea of what is right and what is wrong. Rules don’t apply. Acceptable standards of behavior don’t apply. Little infractions become bigger ones, and adults turn a blind eye. If someone gets into trouble, the first move is for an authority figure, usually in the form of a coach, to get them out of it.”
But, this lack of accountability and teaching begins long before boys become athletes or enter locker room culture. I am not saying that every boy turns into a rapist or a murderer or will end up in a sports scandal. However, if we fail to give boys the tools to deal with emotions, if we fail to teach them right from wrong, if we excuse their behavior and protect them from consequences, we are culpable for the boys that commit both little infractions and bigger ones, and we must acknowledge the “world would be a different kind of place if children were taught to respect other children’s rights from the start.”
So, let’s stop saying “boys will be boys” and recognize that boys “will be what we expect them to be.” Let’s deal with behaviors that need to be addressed, teach personal responsibility and accountability and right from wrong, self-control, and empathy. And, let’s raise boys like this from the beginning of their lives.
You can start by having your kid pick up everything he destroyed in my house and apologize for pushing my daughter, and explaining how to behave in someone else’s home. And, since it isn’t really the kid’s fault, tell yourself that if you don’t change, you’re not the kind of parent this dad wants around.
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Many of these comments remind me of victim blaming the woman when she is raped. She should have… She should not have… Rather than saying the man should have controlled his behavior. I have ADHD. I have had it all my 60 years. I have a memory of opening my best friend’s birthday presents before he could. His father took me aside and talked to me about it explaining it was not fair. Actually, I forget what he said but that is my earliest memory of learning to control my hyperactivity. Yes, boys are more active and aggressive. But boys… Read more »
Compare this article with the wonderful one written about “that kid” that came out just today. As a father of 2 sons and 1 daughter: 1. Daughter- eldest excels academically (mathematics & science as well) is a musician as well as a budding athlete. 2. Middle son- also gifted. extremely empathetic. loves to sing and is one of the kindest people I have ever met. Rarely plays very rough and doesn’t really appreciate physical play. Would rather read, play video games and just talk. One of his current favorite things to do is to make up parodies of “do you… Read more »
Boys are wonderful and I am so happy I have sons.
I agree and I disagree. Yes, boys (and girls) should respect other people and others’ possessions. But one thing I often see, as a mom of four boys, is a different tolerance level for loud play, for rough-housing and for rowdiness between parents of boys and parents of girls. A parent of boys may know, from long experience, that absolutely no harm (and a lot of good) can come from boys running and jumping off couches. A parent who is used to girls may find such play completely discomfiting, and may consider a parent who lets such play happen irresponsible.… Read more »
hypocrisy
@ Melanie M.
Isn’t it weird how people decrying boys will be boys are usually the same people downplaying domestic violence perpetrated by women because it doesn’t harm men that much.
I think that’s probably a very astute observation. Society is a wreck when it comes to gendered double standards.
Wow. This article is remarkable. For someone who consistently rails against gender bias, you’ve managed to author one of the most gender biased articles I’ve read in a long time. Maybe you should rename the article “Why I Love Hypocracy”.
Also, do you hate your parents? They are, of course, the parents of boys (sort of).
Where in the world could you make that leap to conclusion?
Well Mark, it’s simple. It’s generally acceptable to put the onus squarely on boys and their parents to control their “Rowdy” behavior so they don’t end up destroying things. Yet, we don’t see the same thing happening with parents of girls and girls themselves. Girls are capable of bad behavior and harm. But what do you hear from the people witnessing it? “It’s different”, “It’s empowerment”, “You’re sexist”. if anyone dares to bring it up. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call the author an abuse apologist, there’s still a serious double-standard that can lead to a general… Read more »
Eagle, the author even says girls are capable of it, but that the behavior is more often disciplined. That’s the entire point of the essay. Basically the exact opposite of what you’re saying.
And if someone could find me a single quote wherein the author shows an apathy toward boys that get hurt by girls I will GLADLY take it into consideration.
Sons are wonderful no matter what this author says.
My son is well liked by girls two and three years older than him as a creative partner, a confidant and a great playmate. He’s just a natural with girls, but also with boys. Leaning in the push the fart joke envelope with boys while he stirs up amazing creative ideas with all.
Gotta, say. The boy has it going on.
Thing is I’m not sure boys will be boys is always bad. Recently I just had a boys will be boys or “men” type moment. A guy at work brought a packet of Kool-Aid. We didn’t have a pitcher, but we had an unused vase. So of course the guys washed out the vase and made Kool-Aid in it. The women didn’t want to drink it because it was made in a vase. Sometimes being able to break convention leads to innovation. At one point I was thinking of writing a column on my ghetto rigged life. Ghetto rigging is… Read more »
I don’t think ,James, the author is saying he hates boys at all. He said that he hates the boys will be boys phrase and the parents who don’t try to raise civilized people because of it. If a sensitive boy then is not an example of this mindset, then what is he? Yep, in many folks mind, most likely to be gay. It is in a boys best interest to then like this because the culture tells him so in so many ways. Reinforced even stronger later in life by specifically women I might add. What’s going on with… Read more »
“What’s going on with the girls in their teens is a bit of the same but from a different perspective. They have been filled with their power and their right to do anything they want, and they’re testing the water to see how’s far they can push it.”
No difference. They’re getting the same message. “Girls will be girls” yet why aren’t people harping on that in equal measure? Instead it’s seen as empowerment and anyone who questions is labeled sexist.
In addition, if the author only had a problem with “Boys will be boys”, why is the article titled “My Problem with Boys”.
Only explanation is it was chosen beyond his control. In which case, somebody has to answer for this and he should’ve spoken up.
Hey Ariel, I am the father of two boys who were never accused of rowdiness and are absolute joys to be with. The problem is not about the rowdy boys…..your problem is how you think about the rowdy boys. It is all on you. The problem is why do you allow your daughters to play with boys who behave like this? What is going on in your mind that permits your daughters to have playmates like this in their home? Why would you permit your daughters to be around potential danger? If you did not allow your daughters to play… Read more »
Boys are wonderful no matter what this author says.
James, I love your attitude. Stand up tall for your boys. Many, not all, see the wonderful world of Men (of all ages) And Women (of all ages) as a troubling problem filled world infested with depression and negativity. They write about their way of viewing the world. They focus on it and they complain about it over and over again for years and years just like their parents or parent did and they wonder why the world doesn’t get any better? They never pay respect to the old adage, “if you keep doing what your doing you will keep… Read more »
What a surprise! Another anti-boy article on this website. I love my boys and would not give them up for the world.
I have three sons and I have always hated that saying. When they were little and play got too rough I always reminded them that it was not okay to physically hurt someone else. When they grew older I always reminded them (and still do) about their social behaviors and how to behave like a gentleman in ALL cases. I think because I’m a woman I didn’t want to punish any other women out there, like their future wives/partners, by donating three crude, rough, selfish, hostile men into the world. It’s certainly not easy (especially when the testosterone is building… Read more »
Good on ya, Suzanna! Teach kids to behave. We humans must be taught, our instincts are almost non-existent.
When I was a kid I spent a lot of time outside. I played in the yard. I went to the park by myself and found friends to play with. I went to the woods and would spend hours upon hours exploring. When I came home I was exhausted. I ate. I went to bed. I got up the next day and did the same thing again. Things have changed. It’s not as easy (or safe in my opinion) to let young kids go out by themselves. ACtivities tend to center around indoor play and TV/iPad/Xbox. Food has turned from… Read more »
Dude, well stated. I recently bought my grandsons a jungle gym contraption, the two of them (ages 2 and 4) took to it like a fish in water. The have a large back yard that buts up against a forest nature area. What is it about throwing sticks and rock at nothing? I don’t know but they sure as heck like doing it. So what is it like when people have girls over to the boys houses for play? Do they get down and dirty with the boys? With my son and daughter, I would say that my daughter leaned… Read more »
@ Tom Brechlin A lot of it has to do with adult supervision. Why are these boys able to break things? I think that parents sometimes abrogate their responsibilities and when something goes wrong try to justify it. Sometimes they’re just trying to do the best they can and sometimes it’s laziness, but I think it comes down to the don’t blame me I’m a good parent thing. We saw that in the case of the two Maryland girls who abused that autistic boy. I wouldn’t suggest that the mom’s first thought wasn’t concern for her son and anger at… Read more »
John, I agree, but Kids are kids, boys and girls are kids. How they act is representative of their parents. But boys are different then girls in a lot of ways and it has to do with how they’re raised. Whereas a girl who has a play kitchen sees a wooden hamburger bun as just that, some boys will see the same item as a hockey puck. BTW, my grandsons have a play kitchen, like their grandpa, they’re gonna know how to cook.
LOVE THIS. Thank you!
I just want to say “Thank you”, Mr Chesler.
Well, hang in there girls’ mom, the tables will turn! The same “boys will be boys” excuse will apply to your girls in high school. My son tells me story after story about the conversations that girls have at the cafeteria table in high school that would make your head spin. He and all the other boys recognize 100% that if the boys were sitting around the cafeteria talking about girls in the same manner that the girls are talking about the boys then the boys would get into tons of trouble for being “inappropriate”. High school girls are often… Read more »
I’m disappointed this is being ignored, Jennifer. Your sons’ experience jives with mine.
Of course, it doesn’t fit the narrative of girls being completely innocent, so I’m not surprised.
Jennifer, here here. I have parented boys and girls for twenty years. This is one of the most sexist, generalized articles I’ve read in awhile. I am a feminist and a strong parent. My boys are rowdy, rough, polite and kind. So are my girls. My daughters could sit quietly for longer periods than my boys, but this does not make them better children. My boys are louder–maybe– but I remember the little girls squeals and screams for happiness, sadness, being scared, etc. Why on Earth would I attempt to make my girls more like boys or my boys more… Read more »
Here’s a suggestion: Don’t invite them or their parents over. That way you don’t have to put up with behavior from either one. Other people’s kids are not you responsibility.
I’m the mother of two sons and I have to agree, no phrase on earth ticks me off more than the shrug and “Boys will be boys.” It’s lazy parenting. I’ve never let my sons get away with destruction. In fact, one night, my sons were horsing around and despite my repeated scoldings to go to bed before someone gets hurt, neither listened to me. The result? One slammed the other into a wall and put a hole in it. I them patching the dry wall until midnight that night. I made them cut the piece, spread the compound, tape… Read more »
I agree, and I think it’s worse than lazy parenting – I think it sells our boys short and teaches them that girls are, in some ways, better than them.
Boys and girls are often different (note, I said “often”), but neither is better. Boys can practice just as much self-control as girls, and are very often just as sensitive, kind, loving, thoughtful and caring as their sisters and friends who are girls. We take that all away from them when we say “boys will be boys”.
Yeah, I have actually seen a lot of boys that are extremely sensitive (even more so than many girls) . I hope that sensitivity sticks around and is not taken away from them…
Why do you hate boys then? There are many wonderful, intelligent, kind boys and there are also girls who misbehave. Thank god you do not have sons. I can’t imagine how you would treat them if you hate boys so much.
…searching the blog for any use of the word “hate”…finding none
Nothing in this writing made me think the author hated boys.
Dean, I’m going to leave this comment up because I want to be VERY clear that this sort of untruth won’t be tolerated in the comments.
NOWHERE does this piece mention abuse or endorse abuse. Saying it does violates our commenting policy.
I have two girls and a boy and decided that we were going to raise our sone the same way we were raising our daughters. Teaching them respect, empathy, self-regulation, self-sufficiency, and self-responsibility. I didn’t want a son that pushed against everything and was so destructive and physical (as a teacher, I’ve seen many of these boys). I hate the phrases “boys will be boys” and “he’s all boy”. They are stupid. The first comes from lazy parenting and the second–what, did you think he was going to be half boy/half girl? Or half-boy/half cat?