Dillan DiGiovanni thinks the “Feminist Father” wearing this shirt is evidence of progress and worthy of the attention he’s getting.
Every time we see or hear another news story of yet another man committing a crime or harming women in some way or another, we breathe a collective sigh. Yet another instance of injustice. Another example of privilege abused and exercised. More evidence that our best efforts haven’t done a damn thing.
It’s easy to become disheartened, frustrated, angry even because we wonder why the hell things aren’t changing. All the education and articles and talks given on the topic don’t seem to be changing the tide. Some men still do bad things, and we feel powerless to stop it. We feel hopeless that it might never change.
And then, we see things like this picture, posted on a Tumblr account over the weekend. We sit and brighten up a little bit because it seems like a glimmer of hope, the hope we want to feel that things are changing.
While pictures like this are awesome, I find it helpful to remember things are changing, whether or not we see examples of it. The examples, like the guy wearing this shirt to send a powerful message, are really helpful because it’s easy to assume evil is winning over good. But deep down, we know there are more good men that not-so-good ones. We have siblings, fathers, uncles and partners who we know to be shining examples of peace, love, compassion and kindheartedness.
So, why do we forget so easily? Perhaps it’s because we only focus on what gets media attention. It makes good sense, then, why we get really excited when something like this picture trends on the ‘net because it’s something to counter all the despairing stories of pain and grief.
That’s exactly why we do what we do here at GoodMenProject. We want to see more and more examples in the media of men being good people, and being celebrated and held up publicly for it. If we have as many examples of good men visible and accessible, it may be easier to remember the good being done in the world, the work that still needs to be done.
For as much as we wish it didn’t take one more instance of injustice, one more story of a woman’s pain and suffering at the hands of a man, I find it helpful to remember that things are changing, albeit slowly. If we think back into history for one moment, we know things haven’t been the way they are now. Things were worse. Things have improved, and will continue to improve as long as we have men who are willing to wear shirts like this (and do similar things) and news and other media outlets promote it alongside the stories that show us the work left to do.
We can remember we are works in progress, as individuals and as a nation. Instead of inflating the stories of grief, let’s continue to make as big a deal of this man in this shirt and why it’s an awesome thing to see.
photo courtesy of kristine-claire and flikr.
This is supposedly the feminist father.
https://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/-feminist-father–shirt-worn-by-nj-dad-goes-viral-163733847.html
It’s kind of sad to see comments tearing up the semantics of this t-shirt and missing the whole point. Just because this t-shirt refers to a daughter’s body/rules does not negate the fact that a son might be afforded the same respect (from his parent and his peers). It also doesn’t imply that the daughter is heterosexual, or in any other way imply that a male peer is trying to take advantage of her. What it is is a great response to all of the horrible “Rules for dating my daughter” that allude to a father polishing his shot gun… Read more »
@ Kate Words have meaning or so we’re told when people want to ban certain B words. Like I told Dixie in another post about #notallmen, the belief that all men are abusers just waiting for a chance to abuse is absurd, but the absurdity does not make it not believed. Yes, men and bots don’t always want to have sex, but that doesn’t mean that there are people who don’t believe it. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t people still forming an opinion on it. Let’s look at the short as progress. Why should we stop there? The shirt… Read more »
Oh I 100% agree! A great next step would be a similar shirt asserting the same thing for boys, or “Rules for dating my child” rather than leaving the tacit implication that either gender should be left out of those rights. The conversation about bodily integrity and the impotence of consent for men/boys is often neglected, which is why I’m glad GMP exists.
I kind of agree on the t shirt and gender stereotypes. And if you notice, my comment was not gender specific. Not all young men want sex all the time, and plenty of young women want to have sex plenty. Young women should be taught to specifically ask for consent every bit as much as young men. *Everyone* deserves bodily autonomy. I can’t begin to understand who would argue that point.
I conçur. Thanks for following up on your assertion.
This is a fine explanation of the feminist and GMP position on male consent. It is always a given and never decided by the male.
Coincidentally, I do not know any good parent who would agree with any of the rules other than the fourth, let alone wear a t-shirt explaining the rules to having sex with their teenage child. That is a very good example of bad parenting.
I don’t know the context in which the photo was taken–it may have been a march or other demonstration of some kind. Your comment is interesting in that people wear t-shirts advocating many things, not the least of which capitalism in all its many forms–but you don’t think a person could or should use it to express an opinion like this?
Why should one partner make the rules? Why are we not evolving already to the stage where we are all equal and negotiate the rules between ourselves using respect, consideration, love and friendship as our guide? The statements on this T shirt just reinforce the destructive stereotype that guys are out for one thing only and that girls do them a favor by being with them. How has it worked for us so far?
Separate but related, parents should be parents and advise and educate their kids.
I absolutely think a person should define what happens to his/her/per body. The t-shirt wasn’t about negotiating needs in a relationship; it was about who makes the rules about a woman’s body. The same is true about any person’s body. No one decides what happens but that person, at least in this country. It may not be what’s actually happening, as we know the truths about slavery and other countless atrocities in this country, but it is a powerful statement and ideal.
Agreed that couples work out “the rules” as a couple. However, no person gets to decide the “rules” for anyone else’s *body*. That is the intent. Any woman or man or boy or girl gets to make the rules about their own body and no one elses.
And yes, parents can and should make rules. But once they are teenagers, your ability to enforce them goes downhill. That’s why teaching kids judgement and self respect is so critical.
@ jgd33
Even with sex I’m not sure it’s my body my rules as much as our bodies our negotiated rules. Though you’re correct that no one has the right to force you to do something you don’t agree to do, the point is it’s an agreement. Two people agree. I’ve even seen feminists assert that there should be reciprocity in sex. For example, if you want head, you better be willing to give it.
Reciprocity seems fair to me, within the boundaries of don’t make people do anything that they aren’t comfortable with. But yeah, if you want someone to do something you are into, you really should want to do something they are into for them. It’s about pleasure for both.
John, I think that is leaning more towards negotiating boundaries and needs/wants. This t-shirt struck me as a bold statement that counters the common experience many women have of their fathers or male partners determining what happens and when (at what age, etc.) Women find themselves on the receiving end of paternalism, where men see themselves as the decision-makers. This is especially problematic at the federal level with legislation…
I’m on the same page as you, jgd33. Thanks for stopping by, reading and commenting.
There is an interesting discussion about this on feminist critics. Pay particular attention to Danny’s comment. I’m surprised that feminists are advocating a one sided relationship. Don’ they usually say that men and women in relationships should form partnerships? That would normally mean BOTH people have input into the rules.
http://www.feministcritics.org/blog/2014/06/19/what-about-his-body-noh/
I think it’s so easy to redirect the conversation sometimes with things like this by playing Devil’s advocate. I wanted to comment on this t-shirt and the statement made by this man as being one example of positive change and advocacy.
Why are you assuming his daughter is a teenager? Even if she is assuming that all persons of a certain age possess the same maturity and intelligence level is absurd. I disagree that the sentiment on the shirt is a platitude. It seems to me that you are making a lot of assumptions. I love the message and sentiment that is the shirt represents and yeah; I see it as definite progress.
Usually when I get a response like this the person is really young and most definitely not a parent. Secondly, as a society we make judgements on the relative maturity of children, teens and young adults ALL THE TIME. Drinking age is 18, drivers license at 16-17. No tattoos until 18… I guess we’re all absurd then. As a father (and a former teenager) my children have rules they have to follow. My 11 yr old has fewer rules and more restrictions than my 9 yr old. Some of my 11 yr old’s rules- no electronics upstairs, no cell phone,… Read more »
CW–seems you want to argue for the sake of arguing. We get you don’t agree with the man wearing the shirt. You’ve been heard.
thanks for your post, SA! One guy at a time! 🙂
Because teenagers are renown for making wise, well considered decisions and considering long term consequences. Also, parents have no duty to protect their child. Gotta be a buddy instead of a father.
These well meaning platitudes just make me shake my head. If this is “progress” we’re progressing in a downward direction.
except that you completely ignore the fact that NO parent, mom or dad, would wear a shirt like this talking about their son. Aren’t parents supposed to protect their sons??? aren’t parents supposed to tell the world that they are in charge of their sons and they dictate what their sons can do and what can be done to their sons?
No – You scoff at the idea of there being a shirt like this talking about a son – yet claim Parent’s Protection as an excuse when it comes to daughers.
You can’t see past your own hypocrisy.
Actually, I’d happily wear a shirt that says the same about my son, or just says “my child.” This is huge progress. If we want to truly eliminate rape culture, it starts with how we parent, and how we communicate to our children that they get to make the rules about their bodies.
Precisely! Thanks for weighing in, especially with normalizing statements like, “my child”. 🙂
Well, there’s a challenge for you Kate! Post a picture of yourself wearing a similar shirt with ‘son’ substituted for ‘daughter’ and the words ‘Masculist Mom’ instead of ‘Feminist Dad’ and see how long it is before all the hate mail from feminists begins to pile up!!
@ lynn
“aren’t parents supposed to tell the world that they are in charge of their sons and they dictate what their sons can do and what can be done to their sons?”
Isn’t infant male circumcision still legal? They may not be “telling the world”, but many have marked their sons for life with that very same message.
I think that would be a separate post, John, and a really interesting one.
I have two sons who have the same rules as my daughter. The difference between the shirts are simple- one is a joke poking fun at paternal protection the other is plain stupid.
I have sons who I loved and protect as well. One shirt is a joke poking fun at dads who feel protective of our daughters (making fun of ourselves- aka self awareness). The other shirt- this one- is just a feel good platitude, which, if actually applied in life is dangerously stupid
Thanks for your comment, CW. It’s true that teens often make poor decisions. And, adults do, too so I’m not sure that’s a great argument. I get that you consider the statement to be a platitude but there’s nothing trite or insignificant about it for me. Or for many people, I would venture to guess. It strikes me as your way of shooting down something you don’t agree with, but yours is just one opinion of many. 🙂
Are you really drawing an equivalency between the decision making ability of teens and adults? Yep. I’m pretty much gonna sit this one out now.