Have you seen the Britt McHenry video?
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It’s gone viral, and like the millions of shares and comments suggest, this young woman’s poised and piercing delivery of cruel insults has made our collective blood boil. I’m angry that Ms. McHenry stooped to this level annihilating another person. On the other hand, as a human being with emotions myself, I’ve left my loved ones in tatters due to my sharp tongue on shameful occasion. Most importantly, what this video speaks to is two modern day phenomena gone viral, using social media as a weapon for public shaming and how reality TV is shaping entitled and ruthless behavior.
But rather than jump on the indignant public shaming band wagon of “I’d never,” I think it’s more productive to reflect on how did she get to that point and what does this mean for the rest of us?
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The tow truck company’s bullying video pulls for an old lady rant complete with “kids these days.” But rather than jump on the indignant public shaming band wagon of “I’d never,” I think it’s more productive to reflect on how did she get to that point and what does this mean for the rest of us? Is Britt showing us the behavior of a uniquely entitled celebrity who has lost her social skills due to too much pampering and exaggerated accolades? Or is she mimicking a practiced script too frequently performed by reality TV stars, deliciously sprinkled with venom for the greedy consumption of a morally lazy viewing audience?
First I feel compelled to confess that, like all of us, I am not a perfect person.
I still joke about the day I lost my s$%t and uttered the arrogant words, “I’ll sue you’re a$$” to a moving company owner. I swear I actually said that. And to this day I blush at the memory, a blush that squeezes my heart in shame and resulted in a valuable personal lesson about crisis management.
The short story is that on a stressful day in my privileged life…
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The short story is that on a stressful day in my privileged life a moving company had a truck full of our worldly belongings parked at the bottom of our steep driveway, unable to proceed due to inadequate bumper clearance. With a baby on my hip and the exhaustion of a mother spearheading a big move with not enough help, I was on the phone with the owner. With an almost amused voice, the guy was telling me that, despite his personal recommendation his trucks could clear the driveway and a written quote, I was going to have to pay more money for more trucks and time-and-a-half for his guys in order to complete the move. If I refused to cough up the cash immediately they were going to park the full truck in a warehouse until I ponied up the cash. Believe me, I was outraged. I pleaded then I threatened. Ultimately, after my totally impotent sue threat, I hung up in tears and my husband tag-teamed the event and worked it through to a resolution.
Even ten years later I think I was justified for being enraged. The poor moving guys walking on eggshells in my living room sheepishly apologized, saying, “Mam I’m so sorry. I don’t blame you a bit.” And thank goodness I was kind to them. Ultimately we paid the extra money and our stuff got delivered and that was the end of that. But my point is not to tell you my story of woe, but rather to say that we all know what it’s like to feel helpless and trapped. And these moments test us like no others. These moments offer us the opportunity to rise to our best or dive into to our worst.
Perhaps that is where Ms. McHenry was that day. Or, maybe she’s a monster on frequent occasion. But at what point does our bandwagon shaming go too far? I think what we are all responding to is the Kim Kardassian-like poise with which she lands her demeaning elitist insults. It reeks of practice and shamelessness. Please somebody tell me that she was mortified by herself the second she walked out that door. That her apology had personal substance rather than the flippant result of hired PR. As a champion of the victimized and, on occasion, the predators in my psychology practice, I can tell you that anything’s possible. But what can each of us take from this?
Should we compassionately forgive her for being a venomous bully or should we carry on like an unraveled lynch mob?
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I personally intend to have a discussion with my little ones at home. I’m going to tell them about Ms. McHenry and ask my kids what they think about the incident. Should we compassionately forgive her for being a venomous bully or should we carry on like an unraveled lynch mob? Like most life lessons, I suppose moderation is in order. Perhaps we should consider that she was in a terribly stressful situation where she felt trapped and out of control. That she probably has little experience with true hardship, and she has a ton of learning to do before she is capable of Martin Luther King-level understanding and kindness. That humbling experiences like these are the foundation of true wisdom, and that usually only comes with maturity and experience. One day Britt will realize that it wasn’t her brain, teeth, or college degree that is responsible for her success, it was the kindness of others.
Last weekend my 13 year old got her first treat to a nice hotel and room service alone with her Mom for a volleyball tournament. I was super excited to give this gift to her and asked, “Honey, anything else you want from the menu.” My feisty, bright, clever daughter looked at me with mischief in her eye and with her best arrogant accent she drawled, “Mummy, I want a pony.” We both burst into giggles at her clever observation and per her usual, she astounded me with her insight.
I propose to the reader that we each thoughtfully reflect upon our willingness to gleefully join the shame mob.
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In conclusion, it turns out that learning can only take place through hardship and effort. Failure rather than achievement is when we start to grow. I propose to the reader that we each thoughtfully reflect upon our willingness to gleefully join the shame mob. Instead, perhaps we could each take a sacred moment out everyday to be grateful for what we have and try to share that bounty with those whom are the easiest to ignore. Because causing a joy riot from connection at a stressful moment will feed the soul, while a hurtful tantrum will kill it slowly.
Photo: Video screen capture
David:
I really love your comments. Smart, insightful, and elegantly said. Thanks for being awesome and fighting the good fight.
Not to make light of the subject, but I feel like the title really doesn’t give viruses enough credit… Ebola and HIV have devastating, tragic effects on the people afflicted by them, but in and of themselves, those microorganisms are far more elegant and intricate than the herd behavior that drives this “viral” tar-and-feathering” could ever become. Britt McHenry was caught on camera interacting in a manner that isn’t considered socially acceptable by today’s standards. Not physically injuring someone, not committing a crime, just being outlandishly rude. This collective shit-throwing, on the other hand, yet another instance of a faceless… Read more »
Thanks for your insight Gabriela.I’m watching this string because incidents like this trigger such powerful emotions in all of us. I’ll get really concerned when it doesn’t! My blood was boiling for Gina for sure. I have a long history of passionate victim advocacy, yet I failed to discuss the victim in this piece. Probably because I was curiously reacting to and reflecting on my own feelings anger and self righteousness triggered by this attack. My message is a challenge to the watcher to reflect on the delicate balance between advocacy and bullying back. Being assertive with intelligent restraint is… Read more »
As a young woman I was elected to local office. The long-established older men I served with were deeply entitled; furious I was elected. Like McHenry they used their significant power to intimidate with personal attacks/verbal abuse. We videotaped a public meeting filled with their verbal assaults — and let the public decide whether they should be accountable for their actions. Public reaction was similar to the McHenry case. The men decided not to run for reelection. Our community was so much better for it. Although they felt we had humiliated them, it was their own actions that caused the… Read more »
You guys bring up excellent points. I think there’s a desensitization issue at play here as well. The more bad behavior we see on media, the less shocking it is, and the more we are willing to be amused by it and ultimately let it leak into our own behavior. Then we self righteously insist that we would NEVER behave this way (which I hope we don’t). Accountability is a start. If we are troubled rather than celebratory of her behavior, I think we are on the right track. Accountability needs to start young…which is why I’m supporting parents with… Read more »
A couple of years ago I attended a’Town Meeting’ about a somewhat controversial construction project where I live. Covering this meeting for the local news channel was a reporter I’ve seen many times on TV. She always comes across as informed , intelligent, and pleasant. Seeing her behavior ‘off camera’ was an Eye opener! She stomped around, snapping at everyone she worked with , constantly yelling at people on her phone, constantly checking herself in her mirror and yelling for someone to fix her hair. Needless to say, whenever I see this particular reporter on the news now I chuckle… Read more »
My friends and I were at a club and a male reporter I’ve watched many times had entered the same club. He wanted our table and demanded that the hostess tell us to leave so he could have it. The reason we got the table was because we knew her so she basically told him no. He didn’t start a scene. I’m wondering if it was the shock of being told no or maybe it was because he didn’t think he could intimidate 6 or so guys. A lot of them feel entitled because they’re on TV.
Tracy, while I totally agree that “piling on” does no one any good, I think that there is another subtext to be examined here. When I saw this video my first thought was here is someone who probably suffers from narcissistic personality disorder whose insatiable appetite is briefly fed every time she is in front of a camera. The fact that she knew she was being videoed yet kept up her unfortunate “I’m special and your not…” rant I think says volumes about what drives this young woman. It seems that narcissism is becoming endemic in our society, one that… Read more »
It’s telling that no apology was made prior to the video going viral. She did receive a one week suspension as opposed to the two and three week suspensions handed out to the male co-workers so I suppose you have that.
Ray Rice got suspended for two games after a video of him punching and knocking out his wife and dragging her out of the elevator came to light. Micheal Vick got a bigger suspension for dog-fighting. Please stop acting like women receive free passes just because they are women. Being really good looking and attractive or being really successful and making tons of money for those that employee are other reasons why people get free passes. Just look at people like Woody Allen. Money, fame, looks and talent allow alot of people to get away with alot of bad stuff.… Read more »
@ Erin Ray Rice got a 2 game suspension (which comes out to 2 weeks) partly because of limitations in his contract which I believe where later waived by the players association for future instances. U doubt it could be legally retroactively applied. These limitations don’t exist in the case of ESPN. Michael Vicj was imprisoned for several years and had his contract terminated (ie he wasn’t suspended. He was fired.) ESPN treated it’s male employees more harshly than it’s similar situated female employees for “similar” infractions. Nothing you said changes that fact. Most announcers are 40+ year old men… Read more »