“Essentially, if a student gave me a hug, I was supposed to act like I was getting arrested. If that’s not a disgusting assumption of male guilt, I’m not sure what is.”
As a young, male teacher in the New York City Public School system, I was taught (by the New York City Board Of Education itself), if a student should ever initiate a hug with me, the most appropriate response would be for me to put my hands up in the air (as opposed to embracing the student). Essentially, if a student gave me a hug, I was supposed to act like I was getting arrested. Of course, I never followed such absurd rules. I accepted, and gave out, hugs at every turn. But, still, if that’s not a disgusting assumption of male guilt, I’m not sure what is.
Never mind that I had gone through the same training rigors as my female colleagues. When it came down to instructing us on appropriate interaction with students, there was a clear divide based on gender—the women were advised as professional teachers, and the men were advised as professional touchers.
Teachers have boatloads of responsibility. For eight hours a day (10 months a year), they’re expected to educate and look out for the well being of thirty or so young lives. In some cases, these children spend more time with their teacher than they do with their own parents or family. Teaching is a profession often undervalued (in pay-scale and esteem) in the United States, but few professions are bestowed such trust in helping to raise our future leaders.
So, there I was … Second Grade Teacher. Classroom 124. Mr. Kaplan at the helm, 30-35 kids yearly, looking to me to entertain, educate, and to keep them safe, Monday through Friday. There was no video camera recording our classroom events. Few other teachers visited for very long. I rarely saw my supervisor, even more rarely saw our principal. Whoever peeped their head into our classroom, we were often too busy laughing and learning, and occasionally arguing, to notice.
On the other hand, whenever my class was at gym or lunch, and I had the freedom to roam the halls solo, other teachers, supervisors, custodians, etc., would make sure to let me know they were watching me. They also wanted me to make sure I was watching myself … around the children.
They all instructed me to never be alone, one on one, with a student. They all warned me against being too affectionate with the students. If I were too nice to the girls, I would be looked at as a possible pedophile and sexual predator. If I were too friendly to the boys, I would run the risk of being viewed as a sexual deviant. To avoid all complications, I was taught to show no affection at all (other than words of encouragement, and the occasional smile or hi-five). These warnings continued even after I was a seasoned teacher, with tenure.
I shared these warnings with my male colleagues, and we soon discovered that all us guys had been similarly cautioned. We were entrusted to take care of our students’ daily emotional and educational needs, but were hardly trusted to keep our hands to ourselves. As male teachers, we were essentially presumed guilty until proven innocent.
And while us dudes were walking on eggshells, female teachers were freely hugging students, left and right. Some even spent time with their students outside of school. As a sort of reward for being good in class, or for positive academic achievement, these teachers would hang out with selected students for weekend excursions to Coney Island or Central Park or wherever. These teachers weren’t viewed as rebels, and I never once thought they were up to no good. I just remember being jealous that they had the luxury of spending more time with their favorite students (sorry, it’s true, teachers do have favorites) if they wished. If I (or any male teacher) tried such a field trip, we would be putting our job in immediate jeopardy.
Ultimately, I never followed anyone’s warnings. I freely gave out and accepted hugs. Could anything be more simple than a kid reaching out for a little affection?! And I gave extra attention, even one on one, to students that needed more emotional support. Sometimes it was a hug, sometimes it was just to listen or talk. Whatever it was, I never turned a student away. Even today, years later, I still keep in touch (via Facebook) with some of my former students. To the people involved, it is a mutually beneficial relationship, and there’s nothing weird about it. But to some outsiders it is relationship asking for trouble.
What’s (legitimately) more troublesome to me however, is how and why our society perpetuates the idea that an appropriate male should be cold and stiff (not that kind of stiff) around young, impressionable, and fragile children. To be a man who is too warm, affectionate, or loving, is un-male, strange, and suspicious. Fortunately for me, I had a family who always encouraged me to think for myself and be proud of who I am. They also taught me to kiss and hug unflinchingly. That’s right—I kiss my mother and my father, and I’m proud of it. And by the way, my father is the most manly, awesome, strong male I can think of (neck and neck with Muhammad Ali).
Perhaps, if our society was slightly less rigid about their ideas of what it means to be a man, and slightly less suspicious of our ability to cause destruction, we would find that there are plenty of dudes (teachers, lawyers, custodians, football players, artists, etc.) out there like me—men who are as capable of as much love, warmth, and nurturing as any woman out there. And the only thing we men are inherently guilty of is having a penis. Sorry, but since I was born with it, I think I’ll hang onto it. If that’s alright with you, of course.
—Photo RDECOM/Flickr
About Eli Kaplan
I’m still going to hug people. I teach, but my students are college age. It doesn’t happen very often.
Oh man, I spent seven summers working as a camp counselor, and we got these talks too. Fortunately it was all pretty basic and not-insulting. No one-on-one with campers, they don’t go into your tent, you don’t go into theirs- stuff like that. Also, they tended to frame it as mostly a protection for us- so nobody could accuse us of anything- rather than a “we need to protect the campers from you.” kind of thing. That tended to help.
Groups like Stop It Now have well developed awareness and bystander intervention approaches to child sexual abuse. Did your talks ever get into more effective actions and details like talking to adults if you had just a little “funny feeling” about their relationship with a child? How to do that? Support for that? In a most likely completely non-accusatory, and non-threatening manner? Someone you could talk to about your own concerns about your boundaries with a child without it being seen as an admission you’re a pedophile or something? And signs kids show short and long term from abuse? And age appropriate child sexuality and ways kids may “act out” and abuse other kids?
A big complaint I have is we don’t get beyond what is sometimes just teaching fear and prejudice. There are clear signs of abuse that people miss and don’t like to investigate, question and think about. But which also aren’t “evidence of a crime” type signs.
“so nobody could accuse us of anything” stands out for me. It sounds to me like they are presumptively assumed false, like false accusations are something that happens. Was there any more context for that? A child? Parent?
When was that anyway?
I’m glad to hear that you shrugged off the toxic and shaming advice and did what was right AND best for your students, Eli. Well done.
Great article. Thank you for expression the frustrating double-standard put upon us men.
Just recently here in my local area we had an incident where a 16 year old girl had flipped her car and was pinned underneath,it had landed upon her pelvis and she was bleeding out.
Two MEN came and LIFTED the car off of her.
Those 2 men where good men.
Same two men in same yard playing with child=presumed pedophiles.
Pretty soon you gals are going to have to decided which way you want it to be, because more and more men are done playing both roles.
Why should we risk ripping out back muscles to save a child we are not allowed to interact with in a normal fashion?
Your choice,accept the consequences.
I agree the “presumed pedophiles’ is a bad thing (sort of the point of the article), but it doesn’t make sense to me to blame “the gals”. Whether or not men in fact pose a greater risk to children than women, I think both men and women are accustomed to regarding men as more likely to pose a danger.
Just yesterday, I met a guy who I’d heard does a small side business out of his garage, sharpening skates. As he sharpened my skates and we were chatting, his young daughter (maybe 5 or so) came out, and I smiled at her and watched her and her dad interact. I didn’t get even the slightest hint from him that he considered me a threat or weirdo, but I still felt compelled to whip out my phone to show a picture of my two little daughters, as if to say, “See, I’m a dad of little girls, too, not some creep smiling at your daughter.” This automatic suspicion thing sucks, but it’s not just a woman thing. If we’re going to improve it, it will take more than just women making a different choice.
Thanks for the good reply marcus but I disagree that men now have to take the lead in canceling out anti-male bias.
This was started by the rad-fems at the Presidential council level and funded by the millions of dollars at the Federal level.
(At the behest of feminists)
They women have the 8 Councils for Women and Their children (not mens children)
these women have the most power to reverse the change they have affected,but obviously it is counter to their movement.
(Scorched earth policy)
I didn’t say men have to take the lead in cancelling out anti-male bias. I said they share it, in ways like being automatically more suspicious of men around their kids than of women, or reflexively going out of their way to show they’re “safe” when there’s no real need for it.
I think we’re in agreement that viewing men as presumed pedophiles is a bad thing. Where I disagree is that this is some either/or choice women – and only women – have to make because we’ll stop lifting cars off them unless they’re more trusting of us around their kids. Do you have any ideas for getting both women and men to trust us more around kids that don’t involve letting women die trapped under heavy objects?
No sir,I am at a loss to answer your question.
Boycotting participation in such a system is not only the easiest and safest thing to do,it is the only (lack of) action that does not need defending upon the inevitable attack.
I truly am sorry to not have a more positive answer for you my friend,I can tell you have a lot of heart and soul into what you do,it always will be easier to tear down than construct,this is the universal dilemma.
The old saying is:
“1000 attaboy’s is canceled out by one aw-shit.”
I wish for you a career with no false accusations,my best childhood memories
where of those few male teachers that provided a masculine role model.
Specifically one 6th grade teacher,an Italian who liked to be called
“The big Ragoo.”
It is very sad these role models have been for the most part disenfranchised,much to the detriment of both sexes.
The older male in the school is now most likely to be the janitor or cop.
Somehow this fem-hysteria must be stopped.
I agree it’s sad that many men are discouraged from teaching and being those positive role models, but I’m not completely hopeless, because there are still teachers like Eli (the article author) and in my own circle of friends, I have two guy friends who have been teaching for almost 15 years – one of them teaching 1st grade most of that time, and the other has taught everything from elementary through high school. I’d love to see more like them, but I think it can only happen if men like them continue showing up to give the positive example. I don’t think any of them chose their careers to defy radical feminist expectations, but their choice and example does more to challenge such expecations – I hope – than boycotting education altogether.
I’m glad you were there to emotionally support those children. What kind of world are we living in when we can’t let a teacher show a student that they care, and that they’re not alone?
It’s completely sexist to allow female teachers to interact physically with students, but to ban male teachers from doing so. There have been plenty of cases of female teachers having inappropriate relationships with students.
At the same time, protecting our children is incredibly important. At this point, I think I’d rather have a video camera in every classroom so we can let teachers give out much-needed hugs without risking losing their job if someone decides to twist that simple, supportive action into something else. Let there be video evidence of great teachers giving support to students if someone wants to see it.
I’m really glad you wrote this, because I had no idea that in this day and age we have school policies that are so flagrantly sexist.
Hello Mr. Kaplan:
I taught school in a major metropolitan area for 3 years. I quit teaching b/c became really tired of having to work in an environment where I had to walk on egg shells for ther reasons you listed in your article. The double standard for female teachers was particularly aggravating. I did not blame my female co-workers, just the paradigm we were working under.
I loved teaching! It made me very, very sad to quit, but the idea of an entire career with that cloud over my head was not tolerable.
To this day, I have cautioned men who are considering a career in education, esp. primary education, to think about what they are getting themselves into.
I would love to go back into teaching, but I don’t think anything is going to change in 15+ years I have left in the working world.
Y’all be well.
Sadly, the criminalization of men is taking away what little girls need most in order to see men as people and not just servants – male role models. The expectation is so high for men that it’s difficult for them to find someone they value who sees the same value in them.