A racist confronts a 4 year old and teaches Kozo Hattori a valuable lesson about compassion and parenting.
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My 4 year old son, Fox, wanted to play golf, so we went to the chipping green of a local golf course. There was only one other golfer on the chipping green who seemed upset that we were disturbing his practice. He mumbled under his breath when Fox screamed, “I hit it in the hole, Daddy!”
I tried to direct my overzealous son towards holes that were not in the vicinity of the stern golfer, but the man seemed disgruntled just by our presence.
Finally, he blurted out, “Go back to China.”
In the past, comments like this have pushed me over the edge. I’ve even got into bar brawls due to racist remarks. Part of my problem was the chip I carried on my shoulder:
- I’m 4th generation Japanese American, so even if I went “back to China,” I wouldn’t know anyone or how to speak the language.
- My father died for this country on his second tour of duty in Vietnam.
- My maternal grandfather worked his whole life for the US Postal Service in Hawaii even though he was an engineer because his supervisor threatened to have him and his family sent back to Japan if he ever left the Post Office.
But this time, I barely lifted an eyebrow. I kept focusing on Fox’s joy and happiness.
The curmudgeon kept up his rant: “I can’t stand these…”
I’m not sure if this comment was at our ethnicity or our age because I had stopped paying attention.
More than anything, I felt compassion for this angry individual. I thought about all the ways, he was making his life hell:
- He was turning a beautiful day at the golf course into a battleground.
- He had forgotten the sympathetic joy of watching young children play.
- He hadn’t learned to appreciate the gift of cultural diversity in America–the Pho restaurants, acupuncture clinics, Chipotle burritos, and yoga for longevity.
I noticed two things as the grumpy old man huffed off the course:
- I felt no animosity or activation in my sympathetic nervous system. My shoulders were relaxed and my mind was at peace. Even now as I write this, I am very calm and objective.
- 4 year old Fox had no idea what had just happened. He was too concerned with chasing around the white balls that were “so awesome.” He was simply minding his own business.
♦◊♦
I realize now that by not reacting to this unhappy individual, I prevented my son from experiencing any form of suffering. He did not have to wonder why his dad got upset at the golf course. He did not have to witness a verbal or physical altercation. He did not go into fight-or-flight mode due to loud screaming or confusing hand gestures.
This experience reinforced my belief that the best way we can protect our children from suffering and adversity in life is to become compassionate role models for them. I was exploding with pride at how I had taught my son this valuable lesson when I realized that my 4 year old had remained unfazed and loving the whole time. He role modeled the joyful tranquility that I have been struggling with my whole life.
Raising compassionate boys is a win-win situation. Not only will our sons benefit from the emotional intelligence we teach them, but we, as parents, will also become more loving, peaceful, and happy by developing our own resources of compassion.
What would you have done in this situation? Have you taught your sons about racism? Please share in comments below.
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Photo–John Kittelsrud/Flickr
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Photo-peasap/flickr
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The best racist comment my wife received? A neighbor who had known my wife for a few years heard my wife speaking Spanish on the phone (I hate the term “Spanish” in that she is Mexican and speaks Mexican) The neighbor women made a comment, something to the affect that my wife appears to know Spanish very well. My wife responded by saying that shoe should speak it well, she’s Mexican. The neighbor women responded with, I thought you were Italian. Obviously the women had a hard time understanding that a Mexican could live in that upper middle class neighborhood.… Read more »
I love that your wife stated her ethnicity proudly, Tom. I wonder if this woman would have still looked down on your wife if she didn’t know your wife was Mexican? Hope this woman hasn’t caused you or your wife much distress or heartache. Kozo
Kozo, Not really with respect to “race” but she was a difficult neighbor where she snubbed and look down on my wife because she chose to be a stay at home mom. We moved to another part of town and through the years appeared not to be any “race” issues. In fact at our last parish, the church’s small Christian community started a Mexican tradition called “Las Pasadas” which is a 10 day Christmas tradition of taking statues of Mary and Joseph to a different house every day. The depiction was to mirror their journey. The last day (household) would… Read more »
A classy, elegant response. Hat’s off to you.
Thanks, Janet. I’m grateful for learning that “turning the other cheek” leaves both me and my family happier, safer, and more joyful.
What would you have done in this situation?
i would have glanced at the clown with my face wearing either a broad smile or that half chuckle, half quizzical eyebrow expression which says, ‘what the fuck did i just hear. are you insane’.
before returning to the child
I thought about that, James, but I didn’t want to provoke him, so I did the Asian thing of not looking at him. haha.
Was there a need to show a Nazi as the article photo? Was this person who made a, lack of any other term “stupid” statement a Nazi or a pretty normal looking person? Racists come in all shapes, colors and sizes. At least with Nazi’s,you can look at them and know but it’s the ones who are unidentifiable who need identification. Because of racial issues, a film that we would at times show on my adolescent unit was “Crash” Outstanding movie that I would suggest everyone watch. Last year we had a young man who was of Korean heritage and… Read more »
Hey Tom, The person who made the statement was “normal” looking (although I have problems with that normalization). I was trying to find a photo that conveyed racism, but I realized that if I used a “normal” person that could be construed as racist or prejudice. I chose the Nazi because it seemed the least offensive–if that makes sense. To tell the truth, I was at an impasse in trying to choose a photo for this article. I used to teach “Crash,” so I agree that it is powerful in terms of race. I’m glad you brought up the Korean… Read more »
You’re welcome