A 7 year old teaches Kozo Hattori that real compassion starts with a mirror.
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My wife and I were yelling at each other while my sons were eating dinner.
7 year old Jett interrupted, “This is yucky. I don’t like curry. I want something else.”
“That’s what’s for dinner. Eat it or go to bed,” I replied.
“No Daddy. No daddy cook no more,” he said in the baby voice that gets under my skin.
“You’re digging your own grave,” I glared back at him.
My wife offered Jett some left-overs and asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. She took both my sons and walked out the front door.
I threw the half eaten curry into a Tupperware intent on giving it to Jett for lunch the next day. As I started in on the stack of dishes that my wife had left me, Jett opened the front door and yelled, “What is the combination to unlock the bikes?”
“No daddy, no combination,” I replied.
“You’re a stupid daddy,” Jett slammed the door and ran back to my wife crying.
Luckily, I had been reading Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child in which she states, “Disrespect is a weapon of the weak.” Jett was being disrespectful because he was in a helpless position. I had the combination, and he couldn’t ride his bike without being on good terms with me.
Fortunately, the second half of the quote dawned on me, “Disrespect is a weapon of the weak and a defense against one’s own despised and unwanted feelings.” The reality of the situation hit me like an #icebucketchallenge–I was disrespecting my son in defense against my own feelings of loneliness, rejection, and isolation.
And where did that leave me? Isolated in my house, rejected by my wife and sons, doing the dishes alone.
I immediately ran to the garage and unlocked the bikes. Jett saw me and slinked towards his bike.
“Daddy may be stupid, but I love you,” I handed him his bike.
Jett gave me a hug and rode off with a smile.
♦◊♦
Parenting gives us unlimited opportunities to look inside ourselves and heal the wounds we repressed as children. From this day onward, I’m going to try to become aware of the ways in which I disrespect my sons and treat them cruelly. I have no doubt that these occasions are doorways to unearth and heal the cruelty I experienced as a child.
Compassion arms us with the courage to confront these difficult feelings. Self-compassion soothes us when we realize that we have perpetuated a cycle of mistreatment that we experienced when we were young. Raising compassionate children breaks this cycle and ensures that our children grow up to be loving and empathic parents, spouses, and humans.
I’m grateful to be a parent who is being schooled by my 7 year old son. What have your children taught you? Please share below.
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Photo: John Ashley/flickr
Very nice and real story. Unfortunately, I never had kids–3 step kids from a short marriage that prevented me from extensive parenting experience, so I can’t think of any story of my own. But I have 16 nephews/nieces, and I’ve always believed that kids respond best when a parent shows that they respect the kids’ feelings and their mind enough to explain why they have rules and expect certain things. And, show them that they are loved even when things aren’t perfect.
Sounds like you’ve learned one of the most important lessons of parenting (or relationships in general), Paul. I have to keep reminding myself of this practice, so thank you for articulating it so well. Kozo