Kozo Hattori explains to his sons why to never use or react to the saying, “Don’t be a pussy.”
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In the trailer for the film, The Mask You Live In, former NFL player, Joe Ehrman claims that “the three most destructive words that every man receives when he is a boy is when he is told to ‘Be A Man’.” Although I agree, for me, the four most destructive words a man hears are “Don’t be a pussy,” which is detrimental to not only men, but also women and society in general.
Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, explains that whenever her graduate students were going to do interviews with men, she told them to prepare for three things: “high school stories, sports metaphors, and the word pussy…It didn’t matter if the man was eighteen or eighty, if I asked ‘what’s the shame message?’ the answer was ‘Don’t be a pussy’.”
I never want my boys to feel ashamed for expressing their feelings, especially if they are feeling weak or hurt, so I’m obviously not going to use this phrase with them. But I am aware that they live in a culture where this saying is often used by peers, coaches, women, and, even, entire countries, so here is my explanation of why to never use or follow the directive “don’t be a pussy.”
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Dear Sons,
By the time you read this, you will have no doubt encountered profanity and racist or sexist comments. I hope you realize that even though these terms seem to bestow the user with power, all forms of disrespect are weapons of the weak.
There is one phrase that I want to warn you about that is damaging to not only your well-being, but also the well-being of others and society, as a whole.
At some point, someone will tell you or someone you know “Don’t be a pussy.” From context, you will guess that they mean to “be a man” or not to show weakness.
First of all, don’t let this person or this statement alter the way you are acting, how you are feeling, or what you are asking for. Keep asking for help or sympathy if that is what you need. Don’t be pushed to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with.
Second, let this person know that this statement is NEVER appropriate. You can use one or more of the reasons below to explain to this person why they should stop using this phrase immediately.
- “Don’t be a pussy” can often mean don’t be a woman. The word “pussy” here is used as a synecdoche—a figure of speech when a part of something refers to the whole of something. In this case, the female genitalia is used to represent a whole woman. When you refer to a woman by parts of her body, especially sexualized parts of her body, you fail to see them as humans with feelings, preferences, and rights. This contributes to rape culture and violence against women.
- Also, by referring to women in this context, “don’t be a pussy” implies that women are inherently weak and fearful. I hope you already recognize how wrong this view of women is, but if you don’t, just ask your mother about what she had to do on the day you were born.
- If we agree that pussy here refers to being a woman or feminine, then the phrase is actually telling you to not be feminine. Know that wholeness leaves nothing out. You can’t be a whole-hearted human if you eliminate your feminine side. You can’t be an integral part of a relationship or society if you despise half of the population. A real man embraces both aspects of humanness—masculine and feminine.
- People will use this phrase to make you disregard your feelings of apprehension, fear, sensitivity, distress, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, or shame. Every time you disregard your feelings, you become less human. Being a man does not imply that you toughen up to the point of callousness.
- Many people will confuse this saying with acts of courage. They mistakenly equate courage with overcoming fear, pain, tenderness, or suffering. The word courage comes from the French word for heart—Coeur. A heart never disregards fear, pain, tenderness, or suffering. In fact, a heart always opens to suffering. A truly courageous individual embraces suffering and tries to help. We call this compassion.
Armed with this wisdom, I hope you not only disregard the directive to not be a “pussy,” but you also do whatever is in your powers to educate others about the heinousness of this phrase. I don’t want you to be bystanders in life; I want you to be courageous up-standers.
With love and gratitude,
Dad
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Photo–Tim Thraeryn/Flickr
I couldn’t disagree more with this sentiment. The three most empowering phrases I ever received as a boy were the following “Be a man” “Don’t take shit from anyone” “Don’t be a pussy”. The world is a cruel and unforgiving place and by constantly wanting to handle our children with kids gloves we are imbuing in them weakness and an inability to meet the trials of life. I know a thing or two about struggle, as a current member of the special operations community and combat vet. There is an old adage we use that goes “the more you sweat… Read more »
Well said Mr. N, well said.
Preach it brother! My father told me that being a man isn’t about becoming out of touch with your emotions, rather it is about not allowing your emotions to control you or adversely affect your ability to get things done. Also, thanks for putting foot to ass for our country.
@Archy
Get real, and stop being intellectually dishonest about the word “pussy”. It is obviously referring to female genitalia, not the feline animal. Mr. Hattori is obviously correct that the word’s meaning has changed with different generations. It is an insulting phrase to women, and you know it, stop trying to be cute.
Whole text was talking about how the expression ‘be a man’ is poison yet the writer goes on telling her sons with the tone and with exact words how ‘A REAL man embraces….’, which is basically telling them to man up and if they don’t they are not men. But pussies, right? Great job!
P.s. giving birth while 99% western birth givers are doped up by doctors isn’t actually a feat of strenght.
“BAD” denoting good or high quality is not generally used , it is only used within certani segments of society.
Now for an anecdote.
I am 53 years old , and I can tell you for sure, I have heard people called DICKS way more than people called PUSSY
Also, once again though GMP is posting an article that shows moderate concern for men BUT only because of how it effects women.
Jatc,
You seem to be missing the fact that 3 out of 5 of the reasons to not obey or use this phrase do not concern effects on women, but men. Also, my concern is specifically for my sons which is why I wrote this post as a letter to them. In a selfish way, my only concern is with boys because I only have sons, but I do realize that everyone is affected by all forms of violence and oppression.
Why write your sons a letter?
And why include a point in it that you KNOW is absolutely rubbish?
Is it that important to always be seen to be pandering to female interest?
And if so why?
“The noun pussy meaning “cat” comes from the Modern English word puss, a conventional name or term of address for a pet cat.[5] The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) says that cognates are common to several Germanic languages, including Dutch poes and Middle Low German pūse, which are also used to call a cat”
The origins of the word refer to a cat, even the cowardice is linked to a cat, not women.
I am aware of the etymology, Archy, but I would argue that common usage isn’t always consistent with word origination. In modern usage, “pussy” is often used to refer to women or women’s genitalia. The best example I can give you is the word “bad.” Although the OED and etymology would define bad as inferior and poor quality–etymology actual comes from womanish man, hermaphrodite, modern usage often defines bad as good, high quality. I don’t think anyone in America would deny that “pussy” both denotes and connotes woman or a woman’s genitalia. My question is why do you find it… Read more »
So KOZO, what you did there was take ‘FACTS” and ignore them and replace them with your opinion.
As the saying goes “you are entitled to your opinion, but you aren’t entitled to your own facts’.
” My question is why do you find it necessary to defend the phrase? ” Because trying to call something sexist, when it is not sexist is foolish. Calling a man a pussy is not misogynist whatsoever. Do you think when a man tells a woman her pussy is nice that he’s saying she has a cat between her legs or that her vagina is somehow cowardly? Words have multiple meanings and the context matters here. I made an error with my initial post. Its origin is the word “pusillanimous” which means Showing ignoble cowardice, or contemptible timidity “The soldier… Read more »
Great work, as always, Kozo!
Thanks, Joanna. I was kind of wary of the juxtaposition in the title. I hope it didn’t turn people away.
Good read. Maybe we should stop saying “don’t be a dick” as well.
Thanks, Emily. I agree about “don’t be a dick,” although I think much more damaging forms of profanity deserve our attention first–“motherf#cker, cocks#cker, etc.”