Kozo Hattori questions the necessity for kids to “take responsibility” at the expense of kindness.
In the second week of school, a friend of my son forgot his homework, so his mother called a classmate to get the assignment.
The 10 year old student answered the phone and proceeded to lecture the mother on how her son was irresponsible and needed to “learn a lesson,” which was why the “friend” was refusing to give the homework to the mother.
Unfortunately, the mother of the son who needed the homework could hear the mother of the “friend” standing next to her child which means that, at best, she was condoning this behavior. I don’t blame the kid because he was probably repeating something he heard from his parents.
When did it become more important for kids to be responsible than kind? When did it become the job of school mates to teach their friends about responsibility rather than share and help each other out?
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Although “take responsibility” has been a favorite battle cry of the Tiger Mom, taking responsibility is often rationalization for parent cruelty. A child forgets her lunchbox at home. “I guess you don’t get lunch today. You have to learn to be more responsible.”
My brother often tells the story about when we took a trip to Seattle when he was 5 years old. One day when it started snowing, my brother complained that he was cold. My mother replied that he should have brought a jacket from California and made him walk around in his windbreaker.
Ben Martin wrote an insightful article on “Why aren’t we rude to grown-ups the way we are rude to kids?” I’m wondering why we aren’t as forgiving with our children as we are with adults. If an adult forgot his jacket on a trip to Seattle, we would probably lend him one of ours or head indoors to prevent him from getting a chill. But if a child forgets their raincoat on a rainy day, we often feel the need to teach them a lesson about responsibility.
Neuroscience teaches us that a child’s brain isn’t fully developed until they turn 25. One of the parts of the brain not fully developed is the frontal lobe, which manages impulse control, judgment, planning, and emotional control. When we refer to taking responsible action, we often mean controlling impulses, using good judgment, planning ahead, and controlling emotions. In a sense, we are asking children to do things that they physically are not prepared to do, yet we punish them harshly if they mess up.
Byron Katie brought up an interesting point at her recent seminar at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. We often tell our children to be careful, because if something happened to them, we [the parents] would be in a world of suffering that they [the children] would be responsible for.
So now, children are not only responsible for their own well-being, but also that of their parents.
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I understand the need to teach children responsibility, but they don’t need to be fully responsible adults until they are…well, adults. I’ve also seen a lot of “responsible adults,” myself included, whose lack of kindness and compassion has caused tremendous suffering in themselves and those around them.
Amy Chua, infamous author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, in a speech to the Commonwealth Club said that “Tiger parenting” is “about believing in your child and teaching them that they are capable of so much more than they think. And if they don’t make excuses, and don’t blame others, and hold themselves to a high standard, they can do whatever they want in life, and break through any barriers, and not ever have to care what other people think.”
Of course, not making excuses, not blaming others, and holding ourselves to a high standard are all parts of being responsible. And I can live with that. (One of my favorite quotations comes from John Wooden, “Don’t whine, don’t complain, don’t make excuses.”) What really concerns me, however, is the last line.
I never want to raise any child to “not ever have to care what other people think.” I can see how that might be good for their ego, self-esteem, and success, but at the expense of their common humanity, empathy, and compassion.
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So I’m shifting my focus from raising my sons to be responsible to raising them to be kind. I’m banking that this kindness will serve them by building friendships that support them when they act “irresponsibly.”
I’m realizing how many times I’ve lectured or scolded my sons for not being responsible, but how few times I’ve encouraged them to be kind or help others. Of course, I have the weekly lecture on why they need to share with each other, but I’ve never explained to them why compassion and kindness are what makes us human and divine at the same time.
My sons may never get into a prestigious university or become concert pianist, but teaching them to be kind above all else will hopefully help them build loving relationships with others. So even if they end up living “in a van down by the river,” they will have plenty of home-cooked meals by mothers whose sons they helped out with homework.
For more information on raising compassionate sons visit RaisingCompassionateBoys.com.
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