Real Life 40 Year-Old Virgin

 

Eli and Josie encourage a real-life 40 year-old virgin to keep looking for the partner who will accept him for all the greatness he has to offer.

Originally appeared at She Said He SaidDear Sexes: With my last birthday i became a Steve Carrell movie title. This wasn’t planned – it’s because of decades of shyness and insecurity about my body. I know I’m not well endowed. I’m prefectly willing to use other methods to please a potential partner. My question is how much, if anything, should I tell my future partners?

She Said:First, the idea that you’re not well endowed should be addressed. Please remember that the “average” penis is about 5 inches long, erect. That means that a good number are significantly less than that. There’s a super interesting website about penises called ErectionPhotos.com that you should check out if you haven’t yet. The basic idea over there being that men are used to seeing penises in porn, but those penises are the hand-selected ones and are usually significantly bigger than average. In real life, penises are incredibly diverse and ErectionPhotos.com gives us insight into that in a non-sexual and very accepting and welcoming environment.

It’s also super important that you know that it doesn’t take a huge penis to please most women (I really can only speak for women, if you’re a gay man and would like to add something, please do in the comments!). If you read up on the notion of “slow sex” you’ll learn that it’s so much more about the g-spot and the clitoris than going deep. Sure, some women will want a penis that can challenge her comfort zone, but most would rather have an attentive lover who wants to connect and make her come… Possibly multiple times in multiple ways. Cool thing is, you sound game for that! Also, check out the tips we learned for maximizing sexual pleasure with a smaller-sized penis.

As far as the shyness goes, you’re right, that is tough. Men are expected to approach women, and if you feel uncomfortable with that then meeting women can be a challenge. This is going to sound trite, and you’ve probably heard it a billion times, but you have to fix the internal narrative in your mind that says that for whatever reason you aren’t as worthy as other men of approaching a woman. All men get rejected. Sure, there are a few who are rejected less, but men and women who put themselves out there realize that rejection is a part of the game.

Of course, there are ways of increasing your odds of success, but I will defer to this GREAT podcast by Harris O’Malley of Doctor NerdLove. He gives a great breakdown of how to approach women, step-by-step in a way that is both effective and respectful.

But in truth, there’s nothing wrong with being shy. My best suggestion is that maybe Internet dating is a good option for you. I know, it sounds a bit cheesy, but I can name ten people without even trying who have met their spouses over Match or eHarmony or JDate! It’s awesome and crazy how successful the whole thing is. And these are people who vary widely on the “hotness” scale – from a couple who are both quite overweight, to a couple who are both painfully shy, to a few couples who are cute and outgoing.

For future partners, I’d say don’t bring it up on the first date. Keep the first date fun and light. When she first brings up sex, confide. Tell her what you told us. She’ll understand. She’ll probably be honored you chose her. If she’s not, she’s just going to be a pain in the ass down the line anyway. Remember, the fact that you’ve waited could be one of your greatest assets to the right girl.

He Said: Penis size varies drastically. And orifices (vaginas, anuses, etc…) also come in many different shapes and constructions. Don’t psych yourself out of the game, before you have a chance to get into it. Somewhere out there is the perfect fitting glass slipper for your penis (whatever size it may be).

Keep in mind, there are many ways to please a lover, and a large penis is not a prerequisite. Where there’s a will there’s a way – so continue to be eager to please and eager to learn. And what works best between two people is really specific to each new partner.

Also, I would not provide future partners with too much (unnecessary) information. Ask yourself this: if you were down on your looks, would you tell potential partners you think you’re ugly? You probably wouldn’t say that, because you’d be shooting yourself in the foot. Same goes for your thoughts about your penis. Stay positive, and try your best to have a healthy image of yourself. When you get in the sheets with someone, see how your private parts match up, before you convince yourself otherwise.

You’re a virgin, dude. You have plenty of room to learn and grow, including your own sexual capabilities. Don’t underestimate yourself. Just love your partner up! And stop being such a dude – no more porn for you! Those colossal penises are much more the exception than the rule.

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here

Image of a man thinking differently courtesy of Shutterstock

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. Honestly I think She Said skipped over another contributing factor (or at least brushed it too lightly). It would be nice if the only real force active in male insecurity about penis size were just porn but it’s not. Simply put there are women that like to rub penis size in the faces of guys when they really want to stick the knife in. Want to get all the women to laugh at a guy? Insult his penis size. A woman that wants to piss a guy off in an argument? Insult his penis size.

    Now that being said I’m not trying to say that this is the leading factor or anything, just that I think She Said kinda brushed over it too lightly.

    Being in a similar position (8 years away from 40) I can understand where he’s coming from. The shyness is going to be hard to overcome if for no other reason than all the usual advice is being measured up against a long history, your own long history. Ideas, hope, and advice vs past experience and current reality is a hard fight (and while I can’t speak on the letter writer’s experiences for me it really is a fight).

    But it’s not impossible.

    One thing that has helped me is not getting too hung up on the success of others. Sure people feel good when they can list off a bunch of people who have had such experiences but at the end of the day at the very most all those people amount to one thing, possibility.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      I may have missed the fact that girls ridicule guys for it… But I missed that because I don’t actually know girls who do this. I guess I have seen it on TV but I disregard it as part of stupid pop culture like guys who talk about how a girl’s boobs are too small. In real life, I’ve never heard my friends talk about a guy’s penis being too small, and I have a lot of girl friends.

      If girls are talking about sex, lately it’s been about how a guy “takes his time” if he’s good… Lots of foreplay, guys who like to perform oral, and guys who “get” Slow Sex. The biggest problems I hear from women, both in real life and in our mailbox at the blog, are men who “perform” sex like they do in porn. Flipping positions all the time, fast, hard sex all the time, not responding to his partner because he’s too into putting on a show. I just don’t hear the “small penis” stuff.

      Though thinking on it, we do say like “small dick syndrome” about guys who show off and guys who drive 500,000 dollar sports cars… But other than that…

      I think porn does teach people, of both sexes, some weird things about what is fun and good in bed. What feels really good is very often something that wouldn’t look at all good on camera.

      • I may have missed the fact that girls ridicule guys for it… But I missed that because I don’t actually know girls who do this.
        It’s cool. You’re speaking about what you know. That’s why we’re all in this together.

        I guess I have seen it on TV but I disregard it as part of stupid pop culture like guys who talk about how a girl’s boobs are too small.
        As stupid as it is, it happens. I’ve witnessed it myself.

        Though thinking on it, we do say like “small dick syndrome” about guys who show off and guys who drive 500,000 dollar sports cars… But other than that…
        ….but other than that we are supposed to pretend it doesn’t happen? That’s odd. I guess guys have to get hung up on material possessions as compensation for having a small dick but the very ridicule they are trying to compensate for is supposed to be allowed to continue?

        I think porn does teach people, of both sexes, some weird things about what is fun and good in bed. What feels really good is very often something that wouldn’t look at all good on camera.
        I think, for some guys at least, they reach for porn as a way to vicariously experience the things they are not experiencing (those things that “feel really good”) in real life. In turn porn makers feed on that desire and inject things into porn that would probably not otherwise come up. The guys feed on that stuff and it becomes a cycle.

        • Joanna Schroeder says:

          Yeah, I don’t disagree about porn. I think the important thing to say is not that “porn is bad for your sex life” but rather that you need to realize that porn is just for visual stimulation, and doesn’t really translate into real life sex.

          As far as the “he must have a small penis thing” you’re totally right. It’s like a self-perpetuating problem. I wish there were a study of people who drive loud, fast, expensive cars to see if they have penises under 3″ or if they’re just showoffs.

          You’re right though, it’s not an okay joke to make. I realized it not long ago. Though I really meant it at the time. The guy literally parked ON THE SIDEWALK in front of the dry cleaners to bring in his cleaning. He had to avoid those things they put up along roads to keep you from diving up on the sidewalk in a shopping center in order to park there. Like a slalom course. In a MASERATI. Welcome to LA. All I said was, “compensation” but then I felt bad about making a penis joke… Not bad about making at HIM because he was obviously a fuckwad, but bad about it in general.

          I would NEVER make that joke about someone who didn’t have a $400,000 car and do stupid shit like that. It’s like they say, you can make fun of the CEO at the company picnic, but not the janitor.

          Thoughts?

          • Yeah, I don’t disagree about porn. I think the important thing to say is not that “porn is bad for your sex life” but rather that you need to realize that porn is just for visual stimulation, and doesn’t really translate into real life sex.
            I wouldn’t say it just for visual stimulation. A lot of the folks that watch porn are doing so in place of active sex lives with other people. I think they get more than visual stimulation out of it. I would say something like porn CAN be good for your sex life (or lack of one) or bad for your sex life (by possibly picking up unrealistic expectations from it).

            As far as the “he must have a small penis thing” you’re totally right. It’s like a self-perpetuating problem. I wish there were a study of people who drive loud, fast, expensive cars to see if they have penises under 3″ or if they’re just showoffs.
            Good luck with that. On one hand if those guys really do have small penises it would take a hell of a lot of reassurances that their fessing up about them wouldn’t be used against them and two I wager that there is no way in hell that data would be used in a fair manner (I can imagine articles being titles, “So he IS driving that million dollar sports car because he has a small penis!”.

            You’re right though, it’s not an okay joke to make. I realized it not long ago. Though I really meant it at the time. The guy literally parked ON THE SIDEWALK in front of the dry cleaners to bring in his cleaning. He had to avoid those things they put up along roads to keep you from diving up on the sidewalk in a shopping center in order to park there. Like a slalom course. In a MASERATI. Welcome to LA. All I said was, “compensation” but then I felt bad about making a penis joke… Not bad about making at HIM because he was obviously a fuckwad, but bad about it in general.
            And that’s just what I’m talking about. Question, what made you go for the penis joke? Surely someone as skilled in the verbal attack as yourself could have easily found a way to say something about his driving that didn’t involve a cheap shot like that. A simple, “Jerk!!” perhaps?

            I would NEVER make that joke about someone who didn’t have a $400,000 car and do stupid shit like that. It’s like they say, you can make fun of the CEO at the company picnic, but not the janitor.
            Good point. It seems now that when making gender specific jokes depending on where you go all men are CEOs and all women are janitors and the fireworks fly from there. If that had been a woman that pulled that stunt in the MASERATI would you have actually called her a bitch?

            (Okay let’s be honest yes you probably would have but at least that makes you an equal opportunity gender insulter and I’ll take that over a person that declares free fire on one gender while screaming the bloodiest of murder over insults to the other.)

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              If a woman in a Maserati had done that I would’ve called her an entitled bitch. You know me.

          • I understand that in principle, but it’s still perpetuating the idea that a small penis is something to be ashamed of.

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              Monkey, I agree 100%.

            • If girls are talking about sex, lately it’s been about how a guy “takes his time” if he’s good… Lots of foreplay, guys who like to perform oral, and guys who “get” Slow Sex. The biggest problems I hear from women, both in real life and in our mailbox at the blog, are men who “perform” sex like they do in porn. Flipping positions all the time, fast, hard sex all the time, not responding to his partner because he’s too into putting on a show. I just don’t hear the “small penis” stuff.

              I second this a million times, particularly the performance part. The best sexual partner I’ve ever had does not have the largest penis, probably wouldn’t look too great on camera, doesn’t ‘last’ super long, and certainly doesn’t put on a show. He just puts in the effort to learn what I like (and I try to do the same for him). Some of the time I even worry that I’m in it only for the sex. It’s that good, but has nothing to do with what most men seem to think is good. And I happily let him know it.

      • I can literally only think of one time where I heard a woman make a penis size joke. And by literally I mean literally, that’s the only example I can think of. her husband got really drunk at our company Christmas party and told a group of women that he had a “big dago dick” (somebody please page HR…) and his wife said “he ain’t all that” and held up her little finger, and all the women laughed. The whole incident was pretty tacky and offensive, actually! Other than that, I can’t think of any examples where my friends and I have even talked about guys’ penises. It’s just not an important subject.

        I’ve been with guys who are on both sides of the bell curve and it’s really not something I think about. Some guys are insecure about their size and frequently talk about it in a negative way, which can be annoying. (kind of like women who always talk about how they think they are fat)

        Honestly, your penis size is not something you can do anything about anyway, it’s just the luck of the genetic lottery. If you spend too much energy worrying about it, you will miss out on a lot of happiness.

  2. Men really get hung up about penis size and it can only be due to porn and popular culture placing emphasis on size as a magic ticket to guaranteed pleasure.
    Lots of people enjoy playing sports but less than .0001% of us are good enough to be professionals. Basketball for example, involves awesomely talented, physically gifted and unusually tall, athletic and strong individuals who have worked their entire lives to be professionals.
    Now consider porn, where the men are talented sexual performers with unusually large penises that 95% of the population does not possess. They are hired to do a job and perform professionally based upon their higher level of ability and physical gifts much like a pro athlete. But men don’t seem to compare themselves on the court to Lebron like they would to porn actors.
    It’s worth studying why we feel such a sense of inadequacy when faced with the images of porn actors, and it’s not just men either. I’ve seen plenty of discussion involving women who feel inadequate because they don’t look like porn stars or seem to experience intense and powerful orgasms like they are led to believe should happen all the time. I think people are conditioned to expect to be able to have sex like the pros, to look like them, act like them. But nobody expects to be able to dunk a basketball and we’re all just fine with accepting that we never can.

    Ultimately I think that there is a poor dialogue about sex in our culture and many of our emotions about sex are negative. Shame, rejection, poor image, performance anxiety.

  3. This… was better advice than expected.
    Usually, I find non PUA advice as to generic or broad to help a most guys dating woes.
    I like this though. Keep up the good work.

    • Dr. Anonymous says:

      How is this any different from what can be gained from reading any advice coloumn ever?
      It can basically be summed up as.

      1) Be yourself
      2) ????
      3) Meet woman
      4) Profit

      And then some defence of women, telling us that they are not that shallow.

      • Their small penis bit is quite reasonable.
        And I liked the most that they refered to dr nerdlove, that have some solid advice for beginners, for info on how to meet women. So in that way this piece is above what you usually see.

        • Dr. Anonymous says:

          “Their small penis bit is quite reasonable.”
          The small penis bit is just a defence, defending women in general.

          “And I liked the most that they refered to dr nerdlove, that have some solid advice for beginners, for info on how to meet women.”
          The very same Dr. Nerdlove that published an article about how hard dating is for women?

          “So in that way this piece is above what you usually see.”
          1) Defence of women, they are not so shallow.
          2) Be yourself, get lots of interesting hobbies.

          • Dr. Anonymous says:

            I am also starting to think that the whole “women are not that shallow” talk are just weasel words. If the truth was known, that women are just as shallow as men. Then it would be very hard to justify all the talk about feeling bad for women with body dysmorphic disorders.

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              What does this have to do with ANYTHING?

              Women and men are probably equally as shallow, who says they aren’t? But that also means that men and women are also equally as deep and profound – that’s the way I choose to see it. I’ve never once bought the shit that “men are shallow” and would never propagate that myth.

            • Dr. Anonymous says:

              “What does this have to do with ANYTHING?”
              It has to do with a discussion about wheter or not men are putting unjust preasure on women over female appereance. And it is a lot harder to make men feel sorry for women who feel that they are excluded when men talk about slim waists and big breasts, if at the same time it is perfectley acceptable for women to talk about big penises and six-pack abs.

              “Women and men are probably equally as shallow, who says they aren’t? But that also means that men and women are also equally as deep and profound – that’s the way I choose to see it. I’ve never once bought the shit that “men are shallow” and would never propagate that myth.”

              What you say and what you do are two entirely different things.

  4. Butwhat about the lies you have to tell close froends and potential partners to avoid the shame and mockery that will come if they know you are an older virgin?

  5. FlyingKal says:

    Why this emphasis on (contemporary?) p0rn as the root of his insecurity?
    Thinking back 20-25 years when the guy was a young man. We were not surrounded by internet and all its’ graces 24-7 back then. Bu it’s not like “small dick jokes” and shaming didn’t exist before the late 90’s…

    • Porn did exist back then, but I do remember the “overcompensating” cracks and the vile song “Short Dick Man.” but what really gets me is the Sex And The City attitude that women are “entitled” to have a man with a large dick.

  6. I think that there are two separate issues about penis size. Porn existed in the 80s and 90s, but the kind most accessible to young men – Playboy and Penthouse – rarely showed penises. What hardcore porn does is create the illusion that large penises are the norm.

    However, even before that the idea that a small penis was undesirable and ineffective was very clear.

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