Brad Kelstrom has never had a male “buddy,” and he hopes his son won’t be able to say the same.
Like many men of his generation, my father was an emotionally detached dad. Shortly after coming home from work, he made his way down to the basement to watch whatever game happened to be on that night. He sometimes made an appearance at the dinner table, but generally ate supper in front of the TV. If you were lucky, he would put the TV on mute during commercials and you could talk to him.
Despite his love of sports, my father rarely included me in watching or playing sports. Although he encouraged me to play baseball, I don’t have any memories of him practicing with me. Overtime, I attributed the feeling of rejection from my father with sports and in turn rejected anything that had to do with team sports. As I grew older, this started to become an issue. As I entered pre-adolescence I became the boy on the playground with the girls.
One of the defining moments in my life happened on the third day of junior high. I was terrified of junior high and getting bullied. I was standing at my locker in between classes struggling to master the combination, when two boys came to a locker close to mine. One of the boys asked me if I had a pencil he could borrow. The second boy interrupted saying, “Don’t ask him, he’s a fag.”
That word. That moment. I immediately recoiled as I struggled to hold back tears. I became isolative and mistrusting of peers, especially other boys. It became emotionally safer and easier to be friends with girls, which only frustrated the situation and increased my feelings of not being good enough as a male. I spent the rest of 7th grade on constant guard, waiting for the moment that I would be called a “fag” again.
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Over time, I became hyper-vigilant. I was constantly on the defense towards peers, presuming that they were laughing at me or talking about me. I became self-conscious of my personal attributes, always wondering what it was about me that would cause someone to question my sexuality. Was the way I walked, talked, or acted feminine? The rejection of sports and enjoyment in theater only added to my feelings of inadequacy in the masculine world.
While I never had a peer call me such a harsh, derogatory name again, people implied that I was effeminate and even others openly questioned my sexual orientation. As I went through my teenage years, I continued to resort inward, rejecting things stereotypically masculine. I had several short-term male friendships, but always struggled with the façade I felt I had to put on to be perceived as masculine enough. Despite my best efforts, I always ended up feeling the sting of rejection by male peers that started in my childhood with my father.
I eventually came to a point around age 19 where I was tired of living below my potential as a human, regardless of my gender. Through work with a therapist, I was able to overcome a lot of my self-defeating beliefs about myself and socially constructed expectations for males. My mantra and goal became to define masculinity on my own terms rather than fit into a mold created by society. Regardless of the progress I made at that time in my life, I still find myself struggling with the same issues surrounding masculinity nearly a decade later.
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As much as I don’t want to admit it, I still have no idea what “real” masculinity is. I still find myself at times trapped in believing the stereotypes that society has created for men. As I compare my current attributes and interests, I still have feelings of inadequacy in my manhood. Although I’m a husband, father of two, and successful in my career, accepting my own masculinity still feels like the ever elusive kudo.
Despite my efforts to convince myself over the years that I don’t need male friends, I still find myself feeling sad that I have never had a close male friend in my life. While I can name two or three healthy, older male mentors, I’ve never been able to experience having a “buddy.” I feel embarrassed at times to be 28, still dealing with my lifelong yearning for a close male friendship. I wouldn’t know how to approach another man to be his friend though, wouldn’t know what to say, or what to talk about. The thought of allowing myself to be vulnerable in that manner terrifies me.
As I look at my 13-month old son, I worry that my issues with masculinity will cause him the same feeling of rejection and awkwardness that it did for me. Not that I will be hyper-masculine and emotionally detached, but the opposite. I fear that my lack of knowledge of the rules of football will not prepare him for boyhood, and that he will experience the same rejection by male peers as I did because he does not fit into the stereotypically masculine world.
More than anything, my ideal for my son is the desire I always had for myself growing up. I hope that he will never comprehend that there is any other way to exist than to have a buddy or buddies. I pray that having a male friend will never feel special to him like it did for me, but just the way it is. I hope that he will fit into the masculine world and I hope that I can figure things out enough to help him navigate through it.
—Photo qwrrty/Flickr
About Brad Kelstrom
“As much as I don’t want to admit it, I still have no idea what “real” masculinity is.”
Have you ever wondered if girls grow up wondering what real feminity is? I hope not.
We do often grow up wondering that. And feeling like we are failing at it. Which is why I think so much of Masculinity and Femininity aren’t the biological gender parts, but the culturally applied and socially mediated layered on parts.
Like for instance, I always felt like a girl, but I rarely felt feminine (though I look like a girl) because as I was growing up a) I didn’t have a figure that was stereotypically “hot” and I liked short hair etc, and b) I was assertive in my life and with boys and have a pretty dominant personality. I still don’t always feel like I “do” femininity correctly.
Julie, I very much agree that what masculine and feminine is, is defined by society, therefore, either gender can feel as if they don’t add up to some imposed ideal. My issue and I think the struggle others have is when they don’t add up to it and believe the lie. The most basic example is that pink is a girl color and blue is a boy color. Who made this up and why do we still do this? Even when I was in high school a decade ago boys weren’t wearing pink. That is something that has slowly become acceptable the last several years. When you pull back, it is just silly to think that you feel discouraged to wear a color because society has said only a certain gender should wear it.
A really striking post. I hate that you had to grow up with those particularly cruel experiences. Acceptance is something all of want and I”m really happy to see you took your life in your own hands and made it whate you wanted. Thanks for sharing this here.
Brad, alot of people in this world don’t really have friends – they have enablers. Don’t be worried about trying to be friends with people that deep down you know could care less about you. Thats a recipe for disaster.
Brad,
I definitely appreciate that you were able to share and elaborate on your experiences and self-reflections. Although I am not yet a parent, I do believe that the best thing that you can do for your son as he grows up, is to be supportive, open-minded, and communicative. I don’t believe there is a such thing as “real” femininity or masculinity as the ways in which one perceives and associates “femininity” or “masculinity” are socially constructed. Having that said, I do believe that an individual should seek to be around those who are supportive, encouraging, and open-minded. By having a support system and the ability to communicate with another person – regardless of their sex and gender, on the ways in which we perceive and are perceived, as well as the ability to express how we feel is, I believe, the best way to foster a healthy growth and development process.
I’m going through the exact same thing you went through. I am a 15 year old male and I’ve dealt with this kind of abuse for years. I still have yet to understand why I was considered a “fag” when I was in the 2nd grade. I didn’t like sports (I still don’t), I didn’t listen to the mainstream music that was popular at the time (Today I listen to Electronica and yes, the “fag” comments got worse), and I didn’t watch the violent bloody movies/shows that everyone else watched. Now, I’m a brony (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Brony). and I’ve learned that regardless of what I like, what I do, and the way I act.. People are going to try and hurt me anyway they can. I’ve accepted that and everyone else going through this should too. Be yourself.