Rebooting Marriage

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About Nicole Rodgers

Nicole Rodgers is the President and co-founder of Role/Reboot, an organization created to navigate a world built on outdated assumptions about men and women's roles and advocate ways to support the changing reality of our day-to-day lives. Follow her on Twitter @Role/Reboot

Comments

  1. News flash: women lied about equality. Women are hypergamous and all the data shows it. Get ready for a continued decline. Mark my words.

    • Before you go on the typical MRA rant about hypergamous females, please tell me whether you personally would be interested in having a relationship with an ambitious, educated woman who makes more money than you do. Assume she was perfect in every way, extremely attractive (since I know that is important to MRA types), and she thinks you are completely awesome, but she has her own money, a career and is not interested in a relationship involving traditional gender roles. No, you probably would not date her. I suspect that you would think she was a scary, ball busting feminist.

      • Not at all…I’d love it because I’d get all the rights of being a woman in marriage….i.e. ALL the rights.

      • When it comes down to it I am an efficiency egalitarian humanist. That said I cannot ignore the injustice, and bigotry I have suffered because of my gender and the injustices and bigotry other men are suffering all for the benefit of the “fairer gender”. I don’t know what happened in the 50′s,60′s, 70′s and 80′s. But I do know what is happening now. And what is happening now makes me so sick to my stomach that I would probably vomit in your face if you were to ask me in person.

        And to add insult to injury most women and a thankfully an ever decreasing number of men are stuck in a group mentality hate trance and refuse to acknowledge the sexism and bigotry younger males have dealt with. You drink the blood of the innocent and still expect to not be labeled a monster?

  2. I bet these relationships when they do turn to marriage have a higher divorce rate…IF women are still covered under Marriage 2.0 divorce law.

    • Actually, looking at the marriages that inspire me, I think of my professional mentor, who’s been married since the year I was born. She maintained her own surname, earned an equal salary to her husband, had a job of equivalent prestige (she was a school principal, he is still a psychologist), and has been extremely active in her home community in raising awareness of sexual violence and domestic violence and practically providing shelter and guidance to victims. It certainly is incredibly strong as a relationship and one that has made a lot of traditional marriages I know pale in comparison.

      I know which option looks more rewarding and exciting to me.

  3. I think we need to think about ending discrimination policies enacted against men such as Affirmative Action “women first” college admissions. My state still has this policy. It is time women achieve on their own merit and that men be allowed to achieve based upon ours.

  4. Really? People still look at marriage as a method of social climbing? Sick.

    • tartelcontar says:

      of course they do. why wouldn’t they? if any method of social climbing works, people will use it. the only question is whether both genders do it. i think they do, though men marrying up is less common these days. it used to be more common in the old days, when nobility passed through the male line. a poor nobleman marrying a rich merchant’s daughter was thought of as a good deal for both sides.

    • It’s sick but that won’t make it go away.

  5. I had hoped (from the title of the article) to find information here on how marriages are working well as equal partners perform equal work to make the marriage successful. Can we get an article on that?

  6. dungone says:

    I feel that this article started out very strong and hit a lot of important points, but sort of lost focus and maybe missed a few things. First, while young women are out-earning men, this says nothing of women’s higher drop-out rate from the labor force. All the education and salary in the world won’t make a difference if young women today don’t take the breadwinner role as a serious, life-long commitment. A woman who wants to be successful and yet still wants to marry up worries me because it might be a sign of someone who isn’t really sure what she wants or at least, looking at her older counterparts, isn’t sure if her success will last. Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but we’re really just not “there” yet.

    Second, there are courting rituals to contend with. Marriage doesn’t happen in a vacuum so it’s important how people meet and who they date. Men still ask women out and when they seek a serious relationship, having limited resources, can only seek out and spend money on a finite number of women. This is different from being insecure, it’s just a matter of maximizing their options and trying not to waste their time and energy on things that aren’t likely to work. And this isn’t very likely to change unless more women start asking men out on dates, proposing for marriage, and maybe even buying men expensive diamond rings. Our culture expects men do a lot of things in order to make women feel loved and secure, but there aren’t similar expectations placed on successful women. The point has been made very well that women are still trying to cope with step one: marrying down. So don’t expect men to feel any more secure about it anytime soon.

    • In my experience, men don’t really want women making the first move, asking them out on dates, or God forbid, proposing marriage. They say they would like it, but they really don’t because it feels emasculating. I’ve felt like asking guys out many times, but I would never do it directly, because I’m not sure if he would react positively. Instead I try to send signals, like flirting, making a point of talking to him, expressing interest in him, mentioning things I’d love to do, etc. Usually the guy gets the hint. Otherwise, I figure its safe to assume he’s not interested. I mean, I can be pretty obvious! But a lot of guys assume a woman who is too forward is either a slut or desperate, or both. So it’s a fine line. It’s even worse if you are a successful and financially independent woman (I’m an attorney) because then you also have to worry about the guy being intimidated by your independence. Meanwhile, while I’m working late again to support my independence, the guys in my office are chasing after the women who are sweet, feminine, and passive. Who do you think is more interested in “marrying up” — me, or a the girl who is making $7 an hour as an aerobics instructor or receptionist? But do most men care about that? It doesn’t seem like it. So I guess what I’m saying is that both men and women are responsible for these cultural expectations.

      • dungone says:

        But do you really want to get involved with a guy who would be offended by you asking him out? The only guys I have ever met who would be offended are stuck-up religious fundamentalists who believe that a woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant. For what it’s worth I’m not like that and in fact I was pleasantly surprised by a woman who asked me out and after a few dates showed up at my house in a trench coat holding roses and wearing nothing underneath. God, I wish stuff like that happened every day. Incidentally, she became an attorney after college. What I believe is really happening here, with those men who you perceive as being offended, is that you end up facing the same exact thing that men face 90% of the time when they ask someone out: rejection. It comes with the territory.

      • dungone says:

        Also, yes I know it sucks that your coworkers are chasing after cocktail waitresses and receptionists while you’re still at the office working. But that was my original point. That won’t change until successful women learn how to ask men out. And there’s also bound to be another man there working just as late as you and not going out to chase bartenders. Why don’t you go talk to them and see if they’re single? In fact it’s 8PM and I’m sitting at the office… only reason I’m going to a bar in about 10 minutes is because the bartender is the only woman one there whose job is to talk to me, and she’ll put in my Sushi order on top.

      • It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with justice and equality under the law. You could be a billionaire super model but until the injustices, persecutions and oppression against males ends your just another over entitled female supremacist bigot as far as I am concerned.

        Look at what happened in Florida recently with what those three teenage girls did to that little boy, a child! + The perpetual “all girls club” mentality makes the thought of capitulating to the bourgeoisie oppressor class beyond sickening.

  7. I think there is two things we need to discover as men to even consider legal contracts with women at all.

    1. Does the empowerment of women over the last forty years actually translate into family resource or will it just set the self entitlement bar higher. (the real question here is can women be trusted?)

    2. Can a man trust a woman to support him, once the children age. This to me is not a risk worth taking, simply because the mindset in community and law sets absolutely no value on men in the femily.

    What women have achieved for themselves over the last 40 years is great…..enjoy it. But in those same 40 years you have told me as a man that I am worthless in and out of the family. There is no representation from the feminine in society that they value men. I think marriage and families are dead.

    If a woman wants a child or a family, she need only take a holiday and hire a donor. Men are no longer part of the equation in the community, in law or in a “femily”.

  8. This article is overly heavy on activism and light on content. Give us something we can actually use.

  9. The “Men Going Their Own Way” aka men rejecting the physical, emotional abuses we suffer being chattel to women, forced to live under the Sword of Damocles(sexist family court system). And the sheer level of sexism, oppression and demonization we face in our day to day lives all starting in kindergarten; has all caused men to say “NO!”.

    The fact that your article is so off base and focuses more on pandering to the oppressive gender(women) then actually dealing with the problem at face value shows that the real Men’s Movement has a lot more work to do.

    Marriage is a dieing institution that will not be revived until the crimes committed against my generation of guy’s are answered for(Gen Y). This is nothing more then a fluff piece far removed from reality to settle the worries of bigots that they may be made to answer for their crimes.

  10. Women still generally expect to marry men with equal or greater incomes. Women are pretty lax on their educational requirements, so long as the man is earning more. A elementary school teacher pulling in 40k probably won’t mind that her husband only has a high school education if he is pulling down 75k. Women will always trade requirements for more resources. They deny it left-and-right, but they cannot refute what men see on a daily basis. I could tell other’s that the sun doesn’t exist, but if they see it on a daily basis, year after year, they would come to the conclusion that I was full of crap.

    How many weddings have you attended in which the bride was earning more than the groom? If you live on planet earth, that number would be extremely low, most likely in the single digits.

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