For men to be whole, the image of the strong man must change.
___
Traditionally, strength and masculinity go hand in hand. A male perceived as weak—physically or emotionally—is told by other men, or women too, to “man up” or “be a man.” This means pushing through pain, stifling emotions, and denying his actual human vulnerability. But what does it really mean to be a strong man? To me, true strength requires a strong sense of self-awareness, a strong sense of your own values, and a strong sense of the need to act when those values are challenged.
The words I wrote below on strength are more meditation than instruction, and they serve to remind me of what being strong means.
♦◊♦
Strength is the impetus that gets us moving.
Strength is not brute force, for very little is ever accomplished in this world without communication and cooperation.
Strength is a quiet, persistent, unstoppable sense of purpose.
Strength should not be confused with denial, stoicism, or refusal to seek or accept assistance.
We can cry and still be strong.
We can collapse and still be strong.
We can draw strength from others and still be strong.
We can be vulnerable, and be strong in our vulnerability.
Strength is knowing we can be broken in a million ways but never, ever destroyed.
Strength is persevering when things are hard, acknowledging and accepting unpleasant truths, and gratefully receiving the inspiration that comes when we connect with our feelings and let the spirit enter our lives.
To maintain our strength, we must not only exercise our psychological muscles but also practice inhabiting the space of strength, a space the ego is not permitted to enter, a space where we let our guard down and open our selves up, let feelings flow, a space where we can be still and engage in receptive listening.
If we listen carefully enough in the space of strength, we begin to hear a voice.
Hush, we say, to all the competing voices—shame, worry, self-doubt.
I need to hear this whisper.
I need to hear my call.
Be still, we say, to all the demons circling, frantically pointing their barbed tails towards diversions, distractions, derailment.
I am not going to go that way. Not this time.
Strength is not about battle or victory, but about aligning the full force of our effort towards the outcome we are meant to achieve.
Strength is found not in resisting but in accepting and embracing our call.
Strength is not refusing to bend, but bending our will to live the life we are meant to lead.
Portions of this article originally published on Tom Aplomb.
Photo collage—left: tourist_on_earth/Flickr; center: Josh Pesavento/Flickr; right: zenjazzygeek/Flickr
This….
“Strength is knowing we can be broken in a million ways but never, ever destroyed.”
We are all taught as children that men don’t cry,men don’t complain.To be a man is to be always strong.Not feel hurt or pain,and if you do,keep it to yourself. This,I think is the result of ego. Every father out there wants their son to be tough,strong,and a winner. This goes back to the beginning of time. A father would see himself as a failure if his son wasn’t all theses things. It is time to feel,time to be vulnerable,and express our emotions. I am a man in every way but I can be scared,I can cry, and I can… Read more »
A strong man is one who does not allow women to walk all over him.
Well said, Thomas. I made same remark about considering a shift in how we view strength in manhood in my 2013 TEDx talk. I even expanded it into a short audio called Strength Revisited, think you articulate that idea a little better, more universally.
For me strength is where we are strip of everything we own and the only we have is a set of core values. True strength is standing strong in what you believe in, not bending to every wind of change for what is easy at the time.
Way to rock our thinking about men and true strength Tom. I’ll be opening my Men’s Health Meetup with this piece brother. Thanks once again for driving the conversation. Bravo.