Open up and stop running away from your emotions.
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There was a time when I was hungover and I sat in darkness because I had chosen to drink rather than pay the electricity bills. And I sat there and thought to myself that there has to be more to life than what I have achieved so far. I was angry and I couldn’t tell anyone. It hurt. The man box was my friend.
There’s this massive idea in popular circles that men shouldn’t show emotion. To me that sounds insane.
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I was at the lowest point of my life so I took it upon myself to make the positive steps to change. Over the space of the next ten years I changed my life beyond all recognition. That was through seeking help of others. Professionals, Charity Sector, friends, wife, son. I knew I couldn’t do it alone. No-one can. But if you learn to let that help in, perceptions become so much clearer.
If you’re a regular reader of my blog you know that I identify as a man. I’m Male, Masculine, XY. So what does that mean? What does it mean to be Male? It may seem like a stupid question to you, but I think we should be asking ourselves this more often. What is our purpose? What is our role in life? I think once you learn to define yourself then you can have a better understanding of what your position in the world is.
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So I’m male; but my definition of being male goes against the grain of society. Why? Because I’m not going to let other people tell me how to live my life. There’s this massive idea in popular circles that men shouldn’t show emotion. We should be emotionless, keep the stiff upper lip or get up when we get knocked down. To me that sounds insane. I feel. And I feel very hard. I tell my son that I love him very much because I do—I’ll tell him this until I am no longer for this world. I get really sad when I hear that someone dies or has an accident. And I celebrate to the ends of the earth when my friends taste success.
Yet I don’t only feel basic emotions. I hurt when someone I enjoy being around tells me that they no longer want to be around me, I’m eager to do better with my life, I’d get jealous if my wife was flirting with another man, and I’d feel a failure if someone I really admire told me that my work was rubbish.
Being a Male in the 21st Century is about rediscovering ourselves.
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I hurt, I cry, I get mad, I’m often happy. The difference? I show it. I don’t care if someone tells me to “man up” because I’m feeling scared that my son has a fever. In fact, “man up” must be the single most dis-empowering emasculating words I’ve ever heard in my life. But that’s a different story.
Since Victorian times it has been unacceptable for a man in the household to show any emotion whatsoever. My Granddad was very Victorian. I knew he loved me to bits but never once did he utter those words. As for my own Dad, I don’t think I have ever felt the feel of his own skin on mine, never mind a kind word. And the male roles in my childhood from Mum? They were nice, but again, very old school. What chance did I have of spreading love and comfort into my family?
I’ve always been a highly emotionally intelligent lad but I really had no idea how to manage the senses I was picking up. It was confusing to say the very least with no role models to help me through the maze.
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Would you credit that ALL the seriously confidence-boosting, love-inducing, aura-spreading people in my life have been women? It’s probably why I’ve learned all that I have about emotional intelligence. I dare say I wasn’t really born with it, but perhaps surrounding myself with loads of really great women from an early age helped. It is by this that I’ve managed to combine both what I have learned about myself and other people that I can now sufficiently create a different life path for my little family.
Emotions are powerful. Let the world see that you have them too.
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Since my change I’ve met a few very, very empowering women in my life through professional bodies and the charity sector. They have helped me channel that extra sensory data into something useful. My wife was my biggest help. And now I can see similar traits in my son.
Being a Male in the 21st Century is about rediscovering ourselves. We have the tools to do so now that great Psychologists and Sociologists have stood up and said, “Haaaang ooon a minute!” and paved the way for being healthy, and male. It’s bad enough that we have to sit through classrooms and read newspapers that tell us that Men fight, Men create wars, Men hate, blah blah. That’s not what men do. That’s what they want us to think we do.
Get rid of the man cave if you’re already in it. The only thing that will do is isolate you from anyone that’s close. Open up, stop running away. Emotions are powerful. Let the world see that you have them too. And you’d be more a man than those that do not. Because in reality, they are only hiding from themselves.
Originally published at therelationshipblogger.com
talking about emotions is not going to take you anywhere, do you see women talk about emotions, they never do. what part of the world are you people living in?
Gaurav
My women friends, and women in my family we do talk about how we feel about a sorts of issues all the time.
It does not mean we more emotionally healthy than men in our family, but I can assure you that lots of women share what they think and feel.
Some women overshare and do not know where to draw the line.
What is the difference between a conservative and traditional mold of a man since conservatives think that they are one in the same. Conservative men do need to take the blame for not addressing the issues in this country like racism, sexism, economic injustice and because they ignore the problems, swept them under the rug, or vote against their own interests, they are now feeling the effects of these issues such as rising suicide rate among white men as the progressives and liberals have warned them for the last 36 years.
Show me where “conservative” men swept anything under the rug. The issues you speak of are not owned by liberals, they are life/human issues Again you blame men for suicide. I guess you’re right in one respect, men allowed women to take control through feminism … men trusted that feminism (as proclaimed by feminists) that they supported men and their rights as well as women’s right. The rug that was pulled out from under them is a rug that they should have been able to stand upon in their lives. It all comes down to men, if they don’t conform… Read more »
Mr. Brechlin. ‘The issues you speak of are not owned by liberals, they are life/human issues.” Well Mr. Brechlin, if they are life/human issues, I don’t see conservatives doing anything about those issue. The conservative men have swept the issues of good paying jobs, investing in the American workforce and in young people, the minimum wage, the lack of affordable healthcare, lack of labor rights, the political, social, and economic inequality between rich people and poor people under the rug for a long time as well as not talking about how racism has affected the American society to this very… Read more »
Conservative men do need to be blame for creating the mess like rising suicide among white men because they refused to deal with the political, social and economic issues for a long time and also voted against their best interests on these matters. The liberals and progressive warn them about it for years but were ignored, shouted down or even face death threats.
Conservative men particularly white men do need to blame themselves for creating issues like suicide because they refused to address or voted against the political, social, and economic issues which is why they are facing issues like suicide. The progressive tried to warn the conservative men for the last 36 years but they refuse to listen.
What is the difference between conservative and traditional men mold since conservatives think that they are one in the same? As I have stated before, the conservative men refuse to address the political, social, and economic issues and/or voted against their own interests in resolving them. The issues have finally come home to roost on conservative men as the progressives/liberals warn which is why many conservatives are homeless or committed suicide so yet the conservative men did make their own bed.
Folks – let’s not confuse having and expressing emotions with expressing emotions in a perceivable manner that other folks can tell easily. I get the sense, sometimes, that the latter is what people are identifying as the cure to emotional ills. It is not. For example, playing a vigorous game of basketball is a way of expressing emotions.
Hi Raymond
Thanks for writing a fine article.
You have done a marvelous job , that not all dare to do.
Going from a man that was drinking instead of paying his bills,to an emotionally healthy man.
No everyone can do that .
I am glad for you and your family.
I am not a man 🙂 but I think repressed emotions are – at times – manifested in negative ways: aggression, abuse, violence, and even suicide. Men do express themselves differently than women but they are also human, and I think there’s enough evidence to suggest that repressed emotions an be dangerous to the individual/man and/or his family.
I encourage you to see a new film, The Mask You Live In that speaks to this issue quite directly and profoundly. It’s now available for streaming on Netflix and for rent on Amazon video. The DVD can also be purchased now. (It has been in festivals and available for group showing but now is generally available.)
Jennifer Newsom has created a great film that will generate lots of really good discussions. I wish I’d had this film available when I was leading groups for guys sent to us as a result of an arrest or complaint of domestic violence.
Men need to stop doing the risky things because we have to deal with fear. SO let others do the heavy garage cleaning, light the BBQ and fix light fixtures. Ray Baxter, I understand what you are trying to say, BUT men are the ones on the front lines of all risk relate industries. Men can and do emote, we have feelings and feel things much differently than women. Men and women’s brain processes the world differently. We need to respect men who will jump in front of a bullet, and treat them differently. We don’t need to tell them… Read more »
Timothy, I totally agree with you. “There’s this massive idea in popular circles that men shouldn’t show emotion” Yup, there are some men who maybelieve this but, and it’s a BIG BUT, there are countless and I would say a majority that don’t. Just as the feminist movement painted men as heartless oppressors who demand their slippers be put on while they read the evening news paper and wife slave over the stove in the kitchen, the cycle continues. The cycle being the lies about men. I’m older then most of you and can tell you that I was raised… Read more »
Well, Mr. Brechlin, I don’t want the conservative mold of man considering the fact that most conservative men did pull the rug out from themselves by voting against their own economic interests even though progressive men warn them not to do so.
Conservative or traditional mold? So what you’re saying is that men made this bed on their own and only have themselves to blame? And the progressives warned them of what?
What is the difference between conservative and traditional since conservatives think that they are one and the same. The conservative men made their own bed a long time ago by refusing to talk about the political, social, and economic issues in this country or put the issues on the backfire for a long time and it finally backfire on them as the progressive warn it would.
And what did I say that brought you to that impression? If you’re talking about my comments about pink dresses etc … It’s one thing to let your boys play but it’s another to encourage or worse yet discourage boys from playing with toy guns, trucks and such.
Tom
I am not the mother of a trans gender child or a inter sex child,but I can imagine how hard it is for them to know what is the right thing to do.
Well, I would not want my kids to play with a real gun at an early age since we have too many conservatives parents giving them guns at an early age, and the kids ends up shooting the parent, shooting one of the neighbors or shooting one of the family members.
A quick addition to what I said. How many articles have I read here, that relate to male suicide that showed concern about male suicide and what’s causing it? Yet you summed up the the real attitudes with a “you made your bed.” It’s more important to place blame then to truly address the issues and show empathy. Men should change the way they think but be okay with being called upon when those perceived roles are needed. Plumbings broke, call a man. When there is heavy lifting, call a man. Call a man when you want someone to walk… Read more »
Tom
You seem to have a problem with transgender and intersex persons.
And what did I say that brought you to that impression? If you’re talking about my comments about pink dresses etc … It’s one thing to let your boys play but it’s another to encourage or worse yet discourage boys from playing with toy guns, trucks and such.
Yes, we all know that anyone who isn’t a political conservative like you is a bad person who believes that boys should be encouraged to wear dresses and paint their nails. We also know that the conservative movement has always been right and has never defended any wrong in society, such as racial segregation and discrimination. Keep the stereotypes coming, Tom. It’s nice to feel superior to those who don’t agree with you politically.
Oh you mean just like every liberal on this site? Physician heal thyself
Well Jax, conservatives haven’t done anything right at all.political and economically.
Hate to burst your bubble but I know quite a few liberals and contrary to popular belief, when it comes to raising boys, they tend to agree with my views. Even the female liberals tend to agree with me and have voiced their concerns as to how boys are being raised these days. Emotions? I deal with adolescent emotions daily. The kids i work with learn how to express a variety of emotions over and above anger. Thanks to GMP, and the many articles I’ve shared with them, they’re beginning to see what’s happening and are realizing that they haven’t… Read more »
Hate to bust your bubble Mr. Brechlin, but from what I have been reading on the GMP, more and more people, particularly men, are wanting boys to have full range of emotions because they don’t want the boys to be devoid of emotions they had experience and are tired of this John Wayne stoic attitude.
Yeah, boys and men need to have a full range of emotions like laughing, crying, showing anger, being angry and being allow to direct the anger at someone who had intentionally set out to harm us. We should not be told to take it like a man or suck it up. We need a huge cultural attitude/change regarding the emotional state of men. Let’s get rid of the John Wayne way of how a man should act.
Raymond,
I grew up the same way, but Fatherless. Now that I have a son of my own, I own my feelings and my love toward him and my wife. I do cry and get emotional and jealous and all that you wrote of. Of course I haven’t gone to talk to anyone about this, and I think that is what I need to do. its confusing and Amazing at the same time.
Thank you for writing this article,
David
Yes!! You’re so right David. Talking about these things is what we men don’t do. We need to get round the fire and let the talk flow. It’s not even a case of talking to a professional. Just having someone there that listens.
Thank you for reading my article 🙂