Amy Daves is an expert at affair repair. She’d rather help you prevent betrayal from happening in the first place.
____
If you answered “yes” to the title of this article, you’ve already weakened the fortress.
No one is immune to human frailty. Not everyone is a narcissist, but then, neither is every man or woman who has made the choice to betray their partner.
When couples enter therapy in an attempt to repair the damages of an affair, there is one question that must be answered: “Why did this happen?” This is not a simple question with simple answers. The more depth of insight that can be processed, the more likely trust can be built, knowing that the affair didn’t simply “just happen.” After all, if something can “just happen,” logic suggests that it could “just happen” again.
Understanding the weaknesses in the relationship and the vulnerabilities of the individuals helps empower partners and partnerships. It reinforces a willingness to find ways of coping with weaknesses in ways that don’t put out a welcome mat for potential third party intrusions.
People who have no fear tend to walk pretty close to the edge. Sometimes the edge itself is beyond the line of fidelity in a relationship.
|
Affairs happen for as many reasons as there are people who have affairs. There are many myths around why affairs happen. Buying into the myths and ignoring the real safeguards leave people at higher risk for affairs and similar betrayals. The following list of myths and safeguards is not exhaustive, but does represent repetitive themes that present themselves in my office on a regular basis:
Myth: “It will never happen to me.”
That healthy, sexual side of you must be channeled towards your partner, and to no one else, if you have agreed to total fidelity in your relationship.
|
“I would never do that.” “My partner would never cheat on me.” While it is true that many people never endure the heartbreak of betrayal, there is a huge percentage of people who have either been betrayed or who have betrayed others who never imagined they would ever be in that place. My experience shows that those who readily admit their own and their partners’ humanness are much more likely to pay attention to red flags and cracks in the mortar of themselves and their relationships. They’ll be proactive about those things.
People who have no fear tend to walk pretty close to the edge. Sometimes the edge itself is beyond the line of fidelity in a relationship.
Safeguard: Acknowledge that you are a living, breathing, sexual being and that your partner is, too. This need not be a threat. Instead, see this as a healthy way of living. You likely have potential for a very fulfilling relationship with your partner, sexually and emotionally. That said, boundaries are crucial. That healthy, sexual side of you must be channeled towards your partner, and to no one else, if you have agreed to total fidelity in your relationship.
♦◊♦
Myth: “If I haven’t had intercourse outside of my committed relationship, then I haven’t had an affair.”
It’s all semantics, isn’t it? The real question is: What is the impact of betrayal on my relationship? The machine behind the word “affair” or “betrayal” is secrecy.
Concerns, complaints and commiserations regarding committed relationships are beacons of light, shouting “Take care of me!” and “I have unmet needs!”
|
Secrecy creates its own sort of momentum, excitement, and charge. The minute that you have created a wall between your partner, and you and an outsider, a betrayal has occurred. This will hurt your relationship, even if your partner never finds out.
Safeguard: Draw the line about 10 feet away from that edge. If you believe that going on a date with another person is not OK, then decide that a one on one lunch appointment with the opposite sex needs to be where the line is drawn. If meeting up with a high school ex is not OK, draw the line at private conversations on Facebook. If sexual banter is not OK, draw the line at flirting. If your line is drawn too close to the edge, you are not going to build trust in your relationship and you might just convince yourself that you are innocent…when really, you are being self-serving.
While we are on the topic of drawing lines….there is a crucial line that I recommend any couple seeking exclusivity draw for themselves: Avoid with a vengeance any conversation with the opposite sex regarding dissatisfaction in your committed relationship. Yes, this applies to harmless, platonic friendships.
Concerns, complaints and commiserations regarding committed relationships are beacons of light, shouting “Take care of me!” and “I have unmet needs!” Even when there is no intention of crossing over to the dark side, this is a big danger zone that many people minimize or overlook. Get your sympathetic ear from a gender you would never HAVE sex with, or from a therapist, a counselor, or a grandma.
♦◊♦
Myth: “I cannot truly be myself in my relationship.”
Once you have abandoned parts of yourself that are important to you for the preservation of your relationship, you have set yourself up for someone to swoop in and facilitate that part of you that is dying to be seen. Affairs are nearly NEVER about how awesome, perfect, interesting or sexy the third party is….it’s about how the individual feels about themselves while engaging in the affair.
If you have abandoned core parts of yourself – your talents, your personality, your spirituality, your spontaneity, your essence…. then it’s time for a conversation and a recommitment to yourself.
|
Safeguard: Be yourself in your relationship. I’m not suggesting you don’t fine tune yourself and make efforts to adjust to the relationship, but if you have abandoned core parts of yourself – your talents, your personality, your spirituality, your spontaneity, your essence…. then it’s time for a conversation and a recommitment to yourself.
Show up.
Likely, your partner picked you all those years ago because you were attractive as you were. If you have abandoned those things along the way, rediscover them. Maybe there are parts of you that you have never allowed out to play. Be curious about those parts…with your partner. If you are afraid that your partner will not allow those parts in your relationship, explore that and find out if your fears are true. You might be projecting your own self-rejection onto your partner.
♦◊♦
Myth: “My partner will never find out.”
Sometimes people will avoid conflict, and they will also unknowingly avoid emotional intimacy so as to avoid conflict. That leaves for a pretty flat lined partnership – and an affair is anything but.
|
Ok, let’s assume that you win the lottery and you actually get away with keeping secrets – your partner lives and dies and never knows that you had a relationship with someone else. Here’s the deal: whether or not your partner knows…your relationship knows. A relationship without honesty, transparency and intimacy is just that.
Safeguard: Learn about what intimacy means. Learn about your first family – your parents and siblings – and learn about what limits you have put on yourself in terms of openness and closeness. If your parents never fought, my bet is that intimacy is a bit beyond reach, and you might not even know it. Conflict might be too scary.
Relationships absent of conflict are relationships where someone is getting their own way….a lot. Relationships with a lot of conflict can be too scary. Trust can be challenged – What if she gets violent? What if he leaves me? Sometimes people will avoid conflict, and they will also unknowingly avoid emotional intimacy so as to avoid conflict. That leaves for a pretty flat lined partnership – and an affair is anything but.
♦◊♦
Myth: “Once a cheater always a cheater.”
Prevention is much easier than the cure.
|
The majority of people I have worked with who have struggled through the hellfire of affairs have been good, decent humans who have made one small decision which led to another decision, which led to another. Even the very best of us, faced with equal challenges and limited views will become vulnerable to the enticement of an affair. Very few folks I have worked with have been serial offenders. The trick is resolving and repairing the affair correctly.
Safeguard: Get professional help if you or your partner has had or is in the midst of an affair – be it emotional or physical. When a bone has been broken, if reset correctly, the new cells that form around the break can make the bone stronger than it was prior. If, however, that bone is set incorrectly, the bone becomes weaker and is more likely to experience damage later down the road. There is lots of help out there, and many people recover from betrayal. That said, prevention is much easier than the cure.
♦◊♦
Did we catch you too late? More from Amy Daves: Affair Repair: Four Ingredients for Healing After Betrayal
♦◊♦
Photo: Tit Bonač/Flickr
I liked your article but strongly disagree with your last paragraph about healing a broken bone being possible and even stronger.
Many of my patients have come out of these situations. I don’t believe it is ever the same again. That fracture line in the beautiful porcelain of the relationship is always visible.
I liked your advice on being humble and having awareness. Excellent.
I agree with this post, yet Many in Society, meaning Men & Women, Don’t and Refuse to….
I am grateful that you are writing about these topics
in a succinct, clear, and honest way.
People need to understand this about relationships
You are a gem