Have you ever been in a relationship where you were the only one trying?
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It’s probably the biggest nightmare of any relationship. But sometimes it’s inevitable. Sometimes “life” happens, and the relationship crashes.
For a nineteen-year-old, I should probably have known better, but I was naive.
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Breakups are traumatic. It’s true, that often, if you initiate the breakup, you may feel less pain, or handle the pain better than the person you’re breaking up with. But it’s hardly easy either way.
And breakups are no trivial matter. For a nineteen-year-old, I should probably have known better, but I was naive. I learned invaluable lessons, though, and I share them here.
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A breakup won’t kill me.
For days after my first breakup, my heart ached–literally. I felt sick, and I lost my appetite. Worse yet, my blood pressure soared. Waking up every morning was torture.
I never felt suicidal, but I could “partially” understand why some people end their lives after a failed relationship. The seconds, the minutes, the hours, and the days all passed slowly. At the end of every day, simply staying alive to see the next day seemed impossible. And I did not want to stay alive.
But I’m here writing this. And I now know that the heartbreak associated with a breakup cannot kill me. If heartbreak could kill, I’d have died three more times after my first breakup.
A relationship cannot thrive on love alone…
But if it could, some relationships would last forever. Yeah, they do have that much love. Reminds me of the country song, But You Know I Love You:
“…and how I wish that love is all we need to live, what a life we’d have cos I’ve got so much to give…”
I could have said the same about my relationship then. But unfortunately, love isn’t all we need to live, or much less stay in a relationship. The song continues:
“…you know I feel so sad, down inside my heart, that the dollar signs should be keeping us apart…”
More often than we’d like to admit, money or lack of it contributes to the demise of many relationships. I know because it contributed to mine. And I know my relationship wasn’t the first, or last under heaven ending because of money issues.
It’s not just money. Personal experience has likely taught you several factors that can make or break relationships. So you just don’t need to take my word for it.
Switching to “just friends” after a breakup is unrealistic, at least for a while…
We’re friends now, and we do talk, but during the first few weeks and months after the breakup, it was a terrible idea. I couldn’t even stand the mention of her name without getting a pull in my chest.
Since she left me, I felt I could still talk her into giving our relationship another chance. But the more we talked, the worse the reality was. Because each time we talked, her words gave me little to no hope. I always felt heartbroken all over again.
That delayed my healing process. But I know better than trying to play the “just friends” card now, at least until after some time has passed. Staying “just friends” after a breakup may work for you, but it never worked for me.
Love is hard work.
A wrong perception of love is common today. People feel that once they’re in love, they’ll always be in love with little or no effort on their parts. That’s a lie.
Nobody stays in love without working to stay in love. When you truly love someone, you make a conscious effort to stay in love with the person.
You won’t always feel a strong attachment to the other person. You won’t always find the other person very romantic (some people call it being passed the “honeymoon” phase). Showing her love won’t always come naturally, but you have to anyway.
Staying in love is like keeping in good physical shape. It requires constant work. Sadly, I believed I had or could show enough love to cover for both of us. I was wrong. But that was my next lesson.
Love takes two people.
I loved her enough. I stopped at nothing to show it. But my love could not conceal her inadequacy. The more I tried, the more I realized the futility in trying.
Relationships surviving on the efforts of one person can hardly last. That’s why there are two people in a relationship. I learned that the hard way.
I just couldn’t do enough for both of us. I had my part; she had hers. She had to do at least some of her part.
These words are true:
“The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to bear them, and sometimes three.”
– Alexandre Dumas
When you carry the chains of a relationship alone for too long, you’re sure to crash under its weight.
Nobody graduates from self-improvement.
I felt I was romantic enough by sending her handwritten love letters. I felt I was romantic enough by calling her every day. I felt I was romantic enough by sending her text messages during the day.
For her, romantic meant affording dates at exotic restaurants. Romantic meant buying her presents regularly. In short, romantic meant financial competence.
While my personality wasn’t particularly unbearable to her, my financial condition was. It had to get better. And she wasn’t patient enough to watch it improve. Not that I was trying to improve it then anyway. My life wasn’t (still isn’t) perfect, and that was a painful reminder.
Relationships are not always fair.
When they realize he’s just a “sex” guy, they leave, feeling downhearted and used.
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Some men date women for selfish reasons. Maybe because she’s beautiful, maybe because she’s rich, maybe because she’s popular. They soon get disillusioned when they realize those aren’t recipes for successful relationships.
Some men see women as sex objects. And they have to feign love for some just to get her between the sheets. When they realize he’s just a “sex” guy, they leave, feeling downhearted and used.
Are any of the above scenarios fair? No, they’re not. But do they happen? Of course.
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One thing is sure: when only one person is pulling the weight of two in any relationship, it’s not fair. But such is life too. And I wish I learned sooner.
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Photo: Flickr/ Garry Wilmore