Steve Colori celebrates his journey to back to wellness
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It’s not my fault!
That’s what I told myself as I blamed everyone else for the burdens that I was facing.
My doctor told me developing and having the illness was not my fault, but it is my responsibility to deal with it and overcome it.
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After my second episode of schizoaffective disorder, I had no friends, no girlfriend, no job, I had no meaningful activities in my life, and I had a great deal of schizophrenia and bipolar symptoms hampering my thinking and social interactions. For a while, I searched for reasons my illness had developed.
At first, I blamed everyone other than myself for the illness and I refused responsibility for the burdens I had to bare. It was too difficult for me to accept that I had created such a difficult life.
My doctor told me developing and having the illness was not my fault, but it is my responsibility to deal with it and overcome it. Not being at fault meant I had done nothing wrong to create this predicament, which was true, but being responsible meant I could overcome it and was the first step in doing so.
I eventually realized I am the only one experiencing my life, therefore, I am the one who needs to shape and mold it into something I enjoy experiencing.
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I eventually realized I am the only one experiencing my life, therefore, I am the one who needs to shape and mold it into something I enjoy experiencing. I also realized I am the one being affected by schizoaffective disorder and if I don’t put forth the effort to help myself I am not going to make any progress.
Being honest was the first step in my recovery
Honesty was important for my recovery because it helped me determine which parts of the illness I could change and overcome and which parts I had to create coping strategies for.
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Being honest was extremely difficult because I felt there must have been mistakes I had made that led to this predicament. Honesty was important for my recovery because it helped me determine which parts of the illness I could change and overcome and which parts I had to create coping strategies for. This meant admitting I had faults, which was difficult. It meant there were things I had to change about myself, such as mental rigidity, delusional thoughts, odd social behaviors, and I had to develop more character.
I learned to love myself
I felt that I was stuck being the same person forever, but with work, I learned that I could improve as a person and become someone whom I love being. At first, this task seemed daunting. I had difficulty envisioning the way I wanted to be. Several things helped me to do this:
- I committed to learning from my own experience, about which practices worked and which didn’t. The best way to learn was by putting myself into new and sometimes uncomfortable situations.
- I developed some new practices and then I watched other people and discovered what worked for them.
- I altered and molded my belief system into something more functional and I built up my knowledge base too.
- I also eliminated thoughts which were hampering my social interactions and created ones which would facilitate them.
- I eventually realized I simply want to optimize my functionality in all facets of life.
Having this information helped me assess my progress in my journaling and talk therapy. I became very reflective and was able to assess how well my brain was functioning after changing a behavior, a delusional thought, or gaining new information. Many times my functionality improved so in these instances I kept the new thought or behavior but in others it worsened so I went back to what I had been previously doing.
Perfectly imperfect
I had difficulty recognizing that life often selects good individuals for adverse roads through no fault of their own.
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At first, I was afraid to admit that I wasn’t perfect. I realized that I felt this way because my previous friends never admitted their faults or mistakes in group social situations. I had difficulty recognizing that life often selects good individuals for adverse roads through no fault of their own. Slowly I recognized that we are each a work in progress, and there is no shame in having delusions, problems, or issues we are working on. I feared if I was going to admit my mistakes people would dislike me, estrange me, or ostracize me but I eventually just found a better group of friends who were nicer and smarter people and didn’t do these things. It also helped me to forgive myself for mistakes I had made and forgive other people for things they had done.
Understanding that I am not perfect and that I don’t need to be perfect gave me the freedom to be myself. I don’t intentionally make mistakes, but I know that I can assess the consequences of an action and act accordingly. Some things matter far more than others and realizing this has helped me understand when I need to put in more effort and more concentration.
I now feel empowered
Understanding that I am not perfect and that I don’t need to be perfect gave me the freedom to be myself.
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Taking responsibility for my life was empowering because it forced me to honestly assess where I was at fault which helped me determine what I could change. As I worked more with refuting delusional thoughts, developing my knowledge base, and changing my social behaviors, my brain’s functionality improved immensely. After a good amount of work, I began obtaining the things I wanted out of life such as several great groups of friends, the ability to date, a good job, and a meaningful life. Improving my functionality and obtaining things I wanted in life decreased and eliminated most of my stress and this also helped eliminate most of my psychotic symptoms such as paranoia, auditory hallucinations, thought blocking, racing thoughts, and social ineptitude. I’m currently a very happy person living a fun, meaningful, and productive life.
Photos by Nick Kenrick and Anthony Kelly.