Bettina Goodwin rethinks the the word gentleman, laying out 10 defining characteristics of what that means to the modern man.
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When I tell people that I teach heart-centered living to the modern urban man it most often piques their interest and they ask for a more detailed explanation. I always give an effective, well-thought out description that helps them to understand what it is I am offering to men.
But most recently, a word that has come to mind and has been very persistent in garnering my attention is Gentleman. The word itself is not new or even trendy and yet it fits so perfectly into the description of the work I do that I cannot ignore it.
It’s a compound word that when broken down has such great meaning – Gentle Man.
Most men would be flattered to be called a gentleman. It is great praise, a compliment and says a lot about the man’s character. It exudes power and inspiration and it is definitely the definition of a man who lives from his heart.
Here are 10 characteristics of a gentleman:
1. A gentleman isn’t afraid to give another person the space to express themselves while listening mindfully and with genuine interest.
2. A gentleman can allow tears to flow without fear of losing his masculinity or the respect of others.
3. A gentleman will open doors, pay for dinner and stand up when a woman enters a room, not because she is less than him or the gentler sex but because he respects her even when she insists that she can open the door herself.
4. A gentleman wants to feel wanted and needed even if his partner is quite capable of looking after themselves.
5. A gentleman will not be concerned about being better or the best in comparison to others but more concerned about being better than he was yesterday and knowing he always does his personal best.
6. A gentleman is not forceful or controlling but is empowered and empowers others through acceptance and openness.
7. A gentleman can express his deepest feelings or vulnerability to his partner or his best friend without fear of being mocked.
8. A gentleman can be strong and rugged or soft and caring with equal ease.
9. A gentleman can stand before others with strong self-esteem, knowing who he is as a man and be totally comfortable with it.
10. A gentleman is admired, respected and looked to for wisdom just because he is confident to be his authentic self.
Endearing, strong, caring, outspoken, compassionate, protective, sensitive, funny, loving, purposeful, gentle, rugged, poetic, matter-of-fact, engaging, commanding. These are all characteristic of the gentleman—gentle man. And all of these are executed with peace, generosity of spirit and equality of power.
So now when people ask me to explain further what I do, I’ll be adding, “I help men to rediscover the gentleman in themselves.”
Think about how you can rediscover the gentle man in you.
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Read more Good for the Soul. Redefining the discussion about men & spirituality.
This article first appeared on The Wise Man’s Way.
[photo: via the U.S. National Archives on flickr]
If that’s the golden rule, then maybe it is simply enough to focus on that? I have to say I don’t find it all that different from the old setup of gender roles when I’m presented with lists of traits and words like “gentleman” or “REAL MAN” used to describe them. It is the second verse same as the first as far as I’m concerned. It should be enough to only say that we can be anything we want. It’s good to hear people say that men can be emotional or *insert typically non-conventionally-masculine trait here*, because as human beings… Read more »
Thank you all for sharing your comments. I always find it interesting to learn of the viewpoints of others. In the end, we all do what feels right to us, whether that is any of the examples I mentioned or other words and actions that feel right. Being your authentic self is really what it comes down to because everything else is just the reflection of that. If we listen closely to the loving presence within us, whatever we say and do will be perfect. And there’s no one who knows what the is except for ourselves. With love and… Read more »
If that’s the golden rule, then maybe it is simply enough to focus on that? I have to say I don’t find it all that different from the old setup of gender roles when I’m presented with lists of traits and words like “gentleman” or “REAL MAN” used to describe them. It is the second verse same as the first as far as I’m concerned. It should be enough to only say that we can be anything we want. It’s good to hear people say that men can be emotional or *insert typically non-conventionally-masculine trait here*, because as human beings… Read more »
It should really read Humans Feel/Show Emotion (sociopaths exempted)
Now, are you a human or a sociopath?
Really, aren’t we past this by now. I’d say do nice things for people. Take care of the people you care about and expect them to do the same for you. I can’t see buying dinner for a woman without expecting reciprocal treatment if not with dinner with something else. Gentlemen doesn’t equal doormat and he should stand up for himself and disassociate from toxic people who would use him for their advantage and not view him as an equal partner. I believe the person closest to the door should hold it open for those who follow. I guess if… Read more »
I never got the standing up when a woman enters a room thing either.. basically everything in #3 is sexist. A gentleman should be kind and show respect to ALL people, not to JUST women. That’s the definition of sexist. And the problem is in trying to define a “gentleman” and a “lady” without being sexist. You can’t in the sense that you are only treating these people with this “respect” because they are male or female. If standing up when a woman enters a room is showing that woman respect, is every man sitting down disrespecting every man that… Read more »
Perhaps a better word instead of gentleman would be a “high value” man (a term that Owen Cook/Tyler of RSD/PUA notoriety likes to use)….when you are in the presence of such a person, you feel better and you come out better than you were before….I would call my doctor a gentleman and a “high value” man….he has great sensitivity and such a patient kind manner….someone like that tends to bring out the best in a woman, even if she is feeling not sick or broken inside….
No, that term still makes my skin crawl.
Yeah, mine too. Even more.
It’s a horrible, dehumanizing term (which resonates well with the algorithmic mindset of PUA), but there is one even worse, which I have read occasionally: High-quality male.
I do wish these non-gendered qualities would be left that way, instead of lumping them under a label that many do not appreciate. Much of this is simply being a decent human being, and we could just put the old patriarchal labels to one side. As for some of the individual points 3. A gentleman will open doors, pay for dinner and stand up when a woman enters a room, not because she is less than him or the gentler sex but because he respects her even when she insists that she can open the door herself. This is nonsensical.… Read more »
I agree. 7 and 10 are a bit silly since they depend on what other people do or think, which is not under anyone’s control. Number three is highly problematic for me since it still tries to put women in a pedestal and give them special privileges because of their gender. I’ll open doors for everyone, pay dinner at times and expect her to pay at other times and quite frankly won’t stand up when she enters or give her my seat unless she’s pregnant or disabled or elderly. What some women still don’t get is that they won’t get… Read more »