Lynn Beisner, herself a survivor of sexual assault, examines Richard Dawkins’ assertion that the so-called “light pedophilia” he experienced as a child didn’t harm him.
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This week brought a confession from Richard Dawkins that he had been sexually molested and physically abused as a child. Unfortunately, that story was overshadowed by the way in which he chose to frame it.
Instead media attention has focused on follow-up statements in which he tried to minimize his abuse in several ways: First he claimed that it did no real long-term damage. Second, he said that it is unfair to judge behavior committed more than half of a century ago by today’s moral standards. According to him, caning and light molestation were not considered really abusive in the 1950’s, but now are. And third, Dawkins claims that what he experienced should not be put in the same category as, for example, anal and vaginal rape of a toddler.
I agree with him on the last point. Fondling a child and sexually torturing a child should not be called by the same name nor should they be in the same class of crime. We need to have degrees of child sexual assault not to minimize punishment for those Dawkins seems to be excusing, but rather so that we can maximize the penalties for those who violate children in unconscionable ways.
But Dawkins’ recent revelation raises a serious question: Are we willing to hear the stories offered by survivors of abuse, even if they are told in a way that we do not like? And if they tell their story in a way that is distasteful to us, why do we immediately skip past their victimization and begin attacking them? There has been a huge outcry against victim-bashing, but that courtesy does not extend to those who are not framing it in a way that we approve of it.
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This same question came up a few years ago when Nicolas Sarkozy’s father wrote about groping his nanny when he was eleven. In his story, he was the aggressor in a child/adult sexual relationship. Victims’ rights groups expressed great outrage.
And before that, Mackenzie Phillips told the story of what she considered consensual adult sex with her father. The public responded in a way that Phillips describes as “deeply cruel.” Eventually, Phillips went back and reframed her story in the acceptable way, that even adult children can never give consent to incest.
I faced a similar dilemma last winter when I wrote about a sexual assault so violent I nearly died of my injuries. For me, even giving a name to what happened was deeply complicated. After all, I had been told by officers that since I had initially given my consent and had never verbally withdrawn it (I was in both physical and psychological shock), I could be sued if I called it rape. My point in writing the article was that there are complicated and nuanced situations that are befuddling to their victims. But instead of helping me grapple with how complicated and nuanced the situation felt to me, many people simply attacked.
We need to remember that the story that people tell publicly is usually the one that they tell themselves. And the process by which people construct narratives to explain to themselves the horror of abuse and assault is very complicated. Often it is as based on how they want to see themselves today instead of what actually happened.
For that reason, I understand Dawkins’ need to assert that there was no real harm done to him and that it was not a big deal. He is known for his belief that he is not just okay; he is quite superior to many others. So what I believe he was doing was constructing a narrative of an event that matches his overall view of himself at this point in his life. He recently wrote a coherent narrative of his life, his autobiography. In that process, he had to tuck in the odd ends – these events that do not fit his overall narrative. If he were to deal with his experiences as true abuse, it would endanger his view of himself. So he figured out how to fit them into the narrative of his life without, in any way, changing how he views himself.
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I sympathize with Dawkins because I know what it is like to fit the stories of the abuse that I suffered into the narrative of my life. I was brutally beaten and abused in other ways from the time that I was an infant until I was an adult.
Do I tell myself the story of me as someone who battled the odds and by sheer force of will overcame the damage done to me? Well, that narrative isn’t helpful because it could easily lead to me feeling superior to those who struggle more than I do. What is worse, it suggests a final closure, the idea that one can be healed forever from abuse. In that way, it would be like a redemption story, and such stories make it hard to say, “I am going through a bad patch just now.”
Another option is to acknowledge that the struggle is ongoing. But with that approach comes the risk that abuse will end up defining you. I would like to believe that many things have had a greater impact on me than the abuse had. I want to believe that standing in front of a Monet painting, reading The Poisonwood Bible and falling in love with Nina Simone’s voice all had a greater hand in shaping me than my mother’s beatings. I want to believe that the experience of creating a loving family defines me more than all of the pain that came before.
The fact that there does not seem to be a good way to integrate abuse into a happy, fulfilling life is why it is tempting to do as Dawkins has done and downplay it as not a big deal, keep it a secret, or even to take responsibility for your own victimization.
I have tried each of those approaches. Most people who know me have no idea that I was an abused child or that I was the victim of an assault as a young woman. I have tried to downplay it, but people who know and love me were so genuinely horrified that I could not continue to do that. I have even tried to take responsibility. I have told skeptical therapists and myself that in a childhood devoid of physical affection, I was the aggressor in a series of sexual encounters that I had with an adult. Thankfully, the therapists were gentle in helping me see the situation differently, because I would have bolted had they confronted me directly.
What most people do not seem to understand is that there is the truth, and then there are the facts of what a person experiences. The truth is that of course Dawkins was injured. It changed him in ways he might not even want to see. And the truth is that I was no grade-school Lolita.
I see the following facts about the sexual experiences that I had as a child: the person was tender and was offering me comfort after some of my mother’s worst beatings. His abuse was physically pleasurable and that pleasure gave me a brief respite from the horrific pain that I was in. Those facts do not match the truth that he was a pedophile who took advantage of my vulnerability for his self-pleasure.
But the facts as victims see them do not always line up with the truth as the rest of the sane world knows it. Dawkins sees the fact that he and the other boy that were molested have both had a relatively good lives. He cannot reconcile it to the truth that what happened to him was abuse, no matter what year it occurred in.
We cannot, nor should we, expect every victim to be able to tell his or her story “the right way,” especially the first time that the person speaks about it publicly.
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It is difficult as a survivor to get to the point where you can see the facts of your particular situation as matching the truth that it was abuse or assault. But even after we have finally made that step, there are times when we slide back into denial of harm, minimization, or sympathizing with the abuser. It takes a great deal of wisdom, luck and courage to be able to tell our stories as survivors in an unvarnished, unflinching way and to not let the patina of age make them more palatable.
We cannot, nor should we, expect every victim to be able to tell his or her story “the right way,” especially the first time that the person speaks about it publicly.
However, this does not mean that we can or should leave statements like Dawkins’ s about so-called “light pedophilia” unchallenged. But we should phrase our criticism in a way that extends compassion to the victim and the hope that eventually the person will come to see it differently.
Here is the statement that I wish every victim’s group had made this week:
“Our hearts go out to Mr. Dawkins for the abuse that he has suffered. We understand that he claims that it has done him no serious harm, but such proclamations are not unusual. They are common coping mechanisms for survivors. We hope that one day Mr. Dawkins will be able to talk about his experiences in a way that affirms the rights and dignity of the child that he was, and the same rights and dignity of his fellow survivors. In the meanwhile, we wish him all the best.”
“Fondling a child and sexually torturing a child should not be called by the same name nor should they be in the same class of crime.”
I strongly disagree. Both are forms of torture because the child is not empowered to say “no” and has no idea what is happening.
I think that something like anal rape of a young child should be considered attempted murder or at least attempted manslaughter since you have done something to a child knowing full well that it could cause that child’s death. I believe that we should increase the penalties for certain kinds of sexual assault since they are vastly more violent than other kinds. To lump them all together is to do victims an injustice.
Speaking as a professional, good therapists do not assume they know anyone else’s truth. It is violent to do so, and not useful on many levels. I appreciate you advocating for more gentleness in the way you’re talking about Richard’s experience, but it is still fundamentally an act of verbal violence to dismiss his viewpoint as skewed while assuming that you know his truth or the objective truth about him.
To be clear, I’m not trying to use “violence” as a triggering or mean word. It’s the word we use when we talk about this theme in my therapeutic community, and I understand that this use of it is broader than its general use.
I am not a therapist. But what I have offered another way of looking at his words that is more generous.
How is it more generous? You wrote: ““Our hearts go out to Mr. Dawkins for the abuse that he has suffered. We understand that he claims that it has done him no serious harm, but such proclamations are not unusual. They are common coping mechanisms for survivors. We hope that one day Mr. Dawkins will be able to talk about his experiences in a way that affirms the rights and dignity of the child that he was, and the same rights and dignity of his fellow survivors. In the meanwhile, we wish him all the best.”” 1. Dawkins did not… Read more »
” if he tells his story in a way that is distasteful to us “! !!, who’s us referring to ??
Let me guess ” various victim forever me groups ” that are upset that not everybody when faced with childhood & adult (psychological & physical traumas) refuse to let it take a big place in their psyche or let it define their life’s afterwards .
Not all of us need victim me ideologically laced ideologies to recover, what doesn’t kill you sometimes truly does make you stronger & I am taking from experience, enough said.
It’s probably not uncommon for victims to enjoy the experience, or find it neutral. Not everyone handles it the same way, and that is their right. But to think that it won’t harm OTHERS because it didn’t harm YOU is a major problem! It’s taboo to suggest that sometimes victims do enjoy their experience, but last I saw there were studies showing that rarely it does happen. The body can also have a physical enjoyment as stimulation can definitely lead to orgasm even if you’re completely against it mentally so it’s possible he simply remembers the physiological aspect but didn’t… Read more »
Dawkins can be quite the a$%hat, but that does not keep me from agreeing with him that religion is an awful abuse that we put children through. Psychological abuse is a real thing, and religion is the most predominate, and justified, form that it takes. I would not personally agree that religious psychological abuse is worse than molestation, but that is because I don’t believe suffering can be judged on a continuum. There is either suffering, or there is not suffering. That should be all that matters. For some, psychological abuse causes much more suffering than anything that can be… Read more »
Nobody’s forcing him to do anything, and as I said before, a person with a very large platform has a greater responsibility to think about the population. He can think and feel whatever he likes, and can technically say it, but one has to think about the effects.
I think Axis might be reacting to the idea that Dawkins hasn’t recovered from his abuse and is instead employing a minimization coping strategy to maintain a consistent self-image. That’s the same idea I have trouble with – it suggests that if you’re not processing your abuse in a certain way you’re just in denial. It’s almost as if as a victim people need you to be broken, despite your insistence that you’re okay.
I’m part of a community that can be very cruel to those of us whose personal narrative does not fit the “classic” narrative. One reason I hear over and over is that we need to present a cohesive message, because if we start telling too many stories, people will get confused, and going to far “off topic” makes things harder for the majority of people who (allegedly) have the same story. Granted, many people have very similar stories, but for those of use that don’t fit the “right” story, our worst critics are our peers. Or maybe they are just… Read more »
Lynn – I don’t think you have enough insight into how Dawkins feels/believes about his experiences to reach the conclusions you have in your piece regarding his means of coping and possible motivations for doing so. Also, in two of your responses to commentary, you moved from “little pedo is not a harmful thing.” to “Maybe a little light pedo is a good thing.” In these kinds of discussions, that sort of word slip can happen easily without intention. You should correct it if you have edit capability – as it stands, it seriously distorts the story. The original article… Read more »
What an outstanding article on the ‘grey’ thoughts between the hard black & white of sexual abuse in he minds of victims. Confronting, horrifying and necessary reading. I want to fetch my kids from school and hug them and then sit them down AGAIN to discuss their rights over their bodies and the appropriate boundaries ALL adults should be adhering to. The fact that sexual abuse can feel pleasant to begin with is a thought that doesn’t occur to most parents but it is KEY and needs to be acknowledged.
This is a great article—yes, it is confusing to try to tell your story…especially when someone else has been brainwashing you to tell it another way… Keep trying to tell your story…and reveal whatever nuances you feel are necessary… I guess it’s like that movie “Rashoman” (by Kurosawa?)…..each participant in a sexual abuse incident may tell their version of the story that may differ vastly from another’s…and therefore, protect their ego in doing so…. I think it’s important for victims to keep telling their stories….over and over….and maybe slightly differently each time….so often are we told to shut up and… Read more »
Lynn, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate this article. So often we forget that people are deeply complicated and are, especially in regards to difficult situations, reacting very often with coping mechanisms. It’s rare that I read something online that looks past “well they said this! So I know they suck!” and addresses that people are more than the things they say. What we say is important but it isn’t a complete picture, especially in extremely difficult discussions. I am betting this article is going to bring up a lot of feelings in people, I appreciate your… Read more »
I was in an internship to be a marriage and family counselor about the time the massive accusations of nursery school abuse hit the therapy world. We now know that many of these were false. At the same time, the “recovered memories” movement was coming on strong, and some of these cases of recovered memories were false. I do think most cases of remembered abuse are real (if they’re straightforward – I was lightly fondled by my father around puberty, as he was psychotically decompensating before his suicide – but I just remembered thinking it was strange – not having… Read more »
That’s why we allow for differences in sentencing and even prosecutors’ ability to bring a case to court in many instances.
Each case is unique and I do believe that each victim has the right to define his or her experience. However, the definition of a crime is not subjective. There is one definition and that’s what our legal system is for.
I’m pretty sure most of the “recovered memories” were shown to be as fraudulent as “facilitated communication.” That’s not to suggest that the therapists and facilitators had ill-intent, but rather that they let their earnestness get the best of them. I do think your idea about reshaping experiences is a valid one. How we react to events is in large part a learned behavior, one that is modeled for us by the greater culture. No doubt you know first hand how common it is for victims of abuse, or perhaps suspected abuse, to not know how they’re supposed to feel… Read more »
By the way, the other option, as I see it is to label him pedophile apologist who is morally deficient and move on. If that is what you prefer, we can go with that.
I think that would fundamentally be a more morally responsible stance to take, in that it disagrees with his viewpoints and even strongly condemns them as is your right, but respects him voicing his own experience as an individual.
Just wrote a long comment but somehow got wiped. In a nutshell, Lynn recognises the fragility of Dawkins and I recognise her expertise, from shared experience of recovery, in assessing how the abuse RD has suffered has affected him. Any decent therapist would be able to piece this together. I applaud Lynn for broaching this admission responsibility and directly, as there is no room for ambiguity and we need to hear experts in this matter, a PhD in the subject is nothing compared to the insight of someone who is well down the road of recovery. Those who have also… Read more »
Thank you, Shaman. You were able to put in a nutshell very well what I was trying to say.
Any decent therapist shouldn’t be armchair analyzing someone based solely on their public comments. Who says Dawkins needs recovery or healing? Again, not everyone needs to go through the same process to be emotionally healthy, but your comment implies perhaps they do. I remember seeing a (not-yet degreed and licensed) psychologist at my school who decided I wasn’t processing my father’s death correctly. It seemed ridiculous then, and continues to seem ridiculous now, that there is any One True Way™ to process grief that leads to a healthy outcome, and that other ways are just avoidance mechanisms. There is ambiguity… Read more »
Perhaps this will help:
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2013/09/richard-dawkins-defends-mild-pedophilia-again-and-again/69269/
Thanks for the link. I feel I should probably go looking for the original quotes, rather than the paraphrased interpretations which can be organized in service of a narrative rather than presented in context. But even that narrative they present is no smoking gun. What I read there presents two consistent themes: 1) Fondling as abuse is less bad than rape as abuse, and shouldn’t be in the same category. 2) Religion as a belief system we inflict on children, particularly the beliefs that we are damaged sinners destined for hell, is a worse harm to inflict on children than… Read more »
Corn, I think your last paragraph makes perfect sense, in particular. This isn’t a new crazy, “Ooh let’s suddenly jump on the ‘children are sexually abused’ bandwagon!” We’re not even talking about repressed memories. Just regular old memories. Things that have been considered to be problematic for a long time. Hundreds of years for Westerners, and for younger children, for a long time in many cultures. I think this guy loves the spotlight, loves to seem better than others, and this is just another case. That doesn’t mean I think we should label him a victim, etc. Legally, yes, he’s… Read more »
The last thing I want to say, somewhat related, is that when you’re a public figure with a big platform, when you decide to say something publicly, you don’t get the same rights to privacy that my sister or uncles have. You are going to be held accountable. It requires more responsibility to be in the public eye. Brad Pitt, the President, Stephen King, this guy, a whole array of people have huge platforms and need to be thoughtful about how the things they say may harm or help somebody else. This responsibility goes much deeper the bigger your platform… Read more »
Again, I think if he were just saying, “It wasn’t that traumatizing” and moving on, we couldn’t judge much from that. But he is saying, “a little pedo might not hurt.” That is an indicator that there is a significant problem.
*this comment has been updated to correct a factual error.
He has said a little more than that in follow up interviews.
Was it necessary to attack my credibility here? What purpose did that serve in furthering the conversation?
I will delete that comment by Mike L, just to be clear to the audience.
Argue the points, not the person.
Gee, thanks for deleting my point that there was no evidence Dawkins ever claimed “a little pedo is a good thing,” as Ms. Beisner seems to assert without any evidence (if it’s such a problem, just provide a quote from Dawkins interview, you know, the way I did in the deleted comment).
To be clear, I mis-wrote there, and I am in the process of correcting it. But the link that I provided and will provide for you again shows that he has made a history of making statements about pedophilia that show a general insensitivity to the victims. As the Atlantic put it succinctly: He defends pedophilia again, again, and again, http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2013/09/richard-dawkins-defends-mild-pedophilia-again-and-again/69269/
My point is that his own story is his to tell. And we should be aware that where a person is in his or her life has a lot to do with how they frame their story.
If he were to deal with his experiences as true abuse, it would endanger his view of himself. So he figured out how to fit them into the narrative of his life without, in any way, changing how he views himself. With this quote I feel like you’re doing something slightly different from what other critics of Dawkins are doing: you appear to be suggesting that his abuse actually was horrible, but he just chooses not to frame it that way to maintain an internally consistent view of himself. Perhaps that’s true, but I don’t think it’s something you can… Read more »
I think she has a point. I’ve had three or four sexual experiences that were either abusive or are defined as such by society. I tend to not include the time I hired a prostitute although she pressured me when I was in a strip club in my middle teens. There is only one instance where I will even consider using the R word and that’s an instance I don’t consider rape when I was 15 during a high school retreat at a women’s college dorm I was initially the aggressor, but after I made contact, the women would at… Read more »
Not every victim of abuse reacts the same way.
Some victims, like me, don’t even realize they were abused until years after the abuse took place.
To attack the victim because their story doesn’t match what someone expects is just another “blame the victim” approach that keeps victims silent.
And that’s not any good for anyone.
Agreed, and if I gave any other impression I apologize.
To be clear, Dawkins crosses a line and exposes how seriously impacted he was by this when he said that a little pedo is not a harmful thing.