We are all human. How about we just acknowledge ourselves as sexual beings? Whatever make-up that involves becomes individual choice.
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When I was a young teenager, my cousin entered into a same sex relationship. Everyone called her a lesbian: I still called her Kerrie.
I couldn’t understand what the fuss was about and why the hell anyone cared. She hadn’t changed; it was only people’s perception of her that had changed. I980 was an era of harsh criticism and judgment around same sex relationships.
For many men, the fear of being labeled gay or bisexual because they’ve had an encounter with someone of the same sex leaves an unbearable and totally unjustifiable sense of shame and guilt.
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I f*cking hate labels. There, I said it. It offends my sensibilities to think that we are pigeonholed into something that has been created out of someone else’s belief system.
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In 2014 as an open-minded, free thinking woman who speaks to men about their most intimate relationships, I come across so much fear of judgment around sexuality in the male psyche.
For many men, the fear of being labeled gay or bisexual because they’ve had an encounter with someone of the same sex leaves an unbearable and totally unjustifiable sense of shame and guilt.
It may not even involve another male partner. It may just be enjoying a form of anal sex for the pure pleasure of it. This does not make you anything other than being sexually open-minded. Go you!
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A vast number of men who share their stories with me, have told me of their desires (either realized or fantasy) around intimacy with another man. They are quick to tell me that they are not gay and they are not bisexual.
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There is a clear distinction between people that identify socially and sexually with being gay, lesbian, or bisexual that is not always present in people who seek out sex with someone of the same gender.
In his book, Male Sexuality, Michael Bader explains that men and women both have a need to be ruthless to gain sexual pleasure at the point of orgasm.
For some men, seeking sex with men is where they can indulge themselves ruthlessly without the need to feel the responsibility of addressing women’s sometimes demanding and often sexually prioritized needs. This is something that is true to their biological makeup and something we need to acknowledge as normal if they recognize they desire it.
A vast number of men who share their stories with me have told me of their desires (either realized or fantasy) around intimacy with another man. They are quick to tell me that they are not gay and they are not bisexual. As Bader indicates, they identify as being straight. They simply desire male intimacy at times.
I feel that the rapid justification of their sexual orientation should not be necessary, but they fear the label and attached judgment.
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A comment was made to me that you need to remove the label from your underwear or it scratches your rear end. This is exactly how I see labels around sexuality.
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In the recent past, we’ve used labels as an identification system to keep us informed or safe. They tell us what a fabric or product is made for to see if it’s the right fit for us.
Caution – Safety issue present
Movie Ratings – Does it fit the audience? (a safety issue)
Traffic Signs – Safety issue
Clothing Labels – Is it the right fit?
Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgender – All safety issues, right?
No. I don’t think so either.
And no more does it matter where they ‘fit’ into society.
A comment was made to me that you need to remove the label from your underwear or it scratches your rear end. This is exactly how I see labels around sexuality. An annoying little itch that just has no place biting on your ass!
Wouldn’t it be cool to just cut out labels?
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Here is a new way to think about this.
Sex is just sex. If it floats your boat, turns you on, inspires you, fascinates you, and/or ignites you, then permission granted.
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We are all human. How about we just acknowledge ourselves as sexual beings? Whatever make-up that involves becomes individual choice.
The importance of this topic is that the labeling around sexuality for men can be (and is) debilitating. Modern society deems it sexy for two women to have sex, yet it’s often a subject leading to ridicule and jokes when two men engage in intimacy. The associated judgment is based in an utterly irrational fear.
Sex is just sex. If it floats your boat, turns you on, inspires you, fascinates you, and/or ignites you, then permission granted.
I encourage all to remove labels around human sexuality in the same way as we aim to remove judgment. It can’t exist if we don’t feed it.
It is indeed human nature that we need to categorize things and attach labels to products such as clothing. We mentally need a place to put things that matches our physical reality. This is great perhaps for organizing a kitchen pantry.
It’s not OK for humans.
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Image credit: Vik Nanda/flickr (original image cropped)
I believe there is a lot of merit in the above comments, however I do not believe labels are or are not the problem. I truly believe the crux of the matter is around judgement and the subsequent shame that we may or may not feel. After working with many different men over quite a number of years, I can tell you that the fear of judgement is huge in a lot of men, and that is based in the potential shame they will feel if someone disapproves of them or an aspect of their behaviour. This is especially so… Read more »
Shame and judgment are the outfall of the labelling system around sexuality. The fear for that is massive. and the crux of the story. x
Jasmin:
I don’t think labeling is the issue. Let’s say you never label. I am a girl who sleeps with men. If I meet a man am I to assume that he sleeps with everyone? Am I to have no feelings about a potential mate’s sex history. I may never call him a bisexual but that does not dismiss the shame and yes judgment that may result from that conversation. My judgment is not “ew you nasty”. It is more like not for me.
Allan, I totally agree and the absence of fear about their sexuality would lead me to have trust in the person presenting themselves to me as a potential partner. But I don’t trust people who don’t trust in the value of themselves or who live with fear. Because having either of those traits often leads to lying or in them being so inwardly focused that they dismiss my value or needs. Thank you.
I disagree entirely. I think we need as many words in our vocabulary as we can get to describe ourselves so that we can place ourselves and understand ourselves. It’s like writing an essay in school – what is easier to accomplish – an argumentative essay where you’re given parameters and a topic, or an open ended blank piece of paper with no direction from your teacher about what to write about? How many kids will finish the open ended assignment vs feeling completely lost with no idea where to start? Sure, a few of the bright kids will succeed… Read more »
Gabriel I agree. I am straight but I like labels. I had a bi guy approached me on OKCup. He did not say he was bi (he said straight) but his profile mentioned being sexually adventurous and so I dug a little deeper. I found out that he was into doing sexual things with guys. While I have no problem with that for him I did not want to pursue it further. But he was so afraid to label himself as bisexual that to me he came off as closeted which is not attractive. I have never been approached by… Read more »
Thanks for taking the time to articulate your point. I agree on many levels with what you are saying, even though it will seem we are in disagreement. I think the need for labels only exists as a way of justification for the fact that we are sexual beings. I have many and varied sexual encounters with all combinations of partners . I do not identify publicly or privately with one or the other, just purely with being sexual. I have no shame around my sexual being. FEAR is the thing holding many men back because and in the hundreds… Read more »