Will loves it when I scare him.
I don’t mean scare him in an intimidating or menacing way. I’m not standing over him with a butcher knife or anything. It’s more of a good-natured startling that he’s into. You know how we go to horror movies and even though you know the bad guy is hiding behind the door, you still jump when he leaps out and attacks? That kind of scared.
So yesterday I was playing with Will as I was getting ready for work. He’d poke his head in the bedroom, I’d spot him and then I’d run over yelling “Here comes Dadda” or “I’m gonna get Will-Will!” He’d giggle and run from the room closing the door behind him. And we repeated this over and over again.
Well, at one point I got a little bored, so after I chased him out of the room I hid behind the door.
Will opened the door and didn’t see anyone. But he must already know not to trust me, because instead of walking in the room he closed the door again. But I knew curiosity would get the better of him and sure enough, I was right. I watched the door slowly open a second time and from my perch behind the door, I saw a little blonde head peek cautiously into the room. As he slowly stepped into the bedroom, he craned his neck as far as possible to the left to see if I was still behind the bed.
Once he was all the way in the room, I pounced. “RAWWWRRRRR!!!!” I yelled as I grabbed his waist and started tickling him.
As I leaped from my hiding place his whole body jerked with a start. He was only truly scared for a nanosecond, but it was his next reaction that really took me by surprise. As he turned and looked at me his eyes widened and his lips pursed. He bent slightly at the midsection. Then, I heard it.
I’m not sure how to adequately describe the noise. It was definitely a rumbling, almost as if a baby ogre was growling. And it was topped off by a “Pffffftt” noise and ended with a small flapping sound. This all happened in the span of maybe 2-3 seconds, but that noise seemed like it took an eternity.
“Buddy, was that you?” I said incredulously. “Will, that sounded like … Buddy, did you just …” I didn’t need to wait for an answer, because then I smelled it.
I gave my son such a start that he crapped himself. That’s right. I’m a father who has literally scared the shit out of his son.
Will was fine, laughing and giggling pretty much the moment it happened. And his revenge was me having to change that godawful diaper with an unholy pile of #2 in it, gagging and retching pretty much the whole time. He may be young but his gastrointestinal system is producing gargantuan craps well beyond his mere 22 months.
So yeah, I scared my son shitless. If the judges for “Father of the Year” are reading, all accolades and nominations can be e-mailed directly to firstname.lastname@example.org.