Luke Davis stares fear in its pretty face and gets steamrolled.
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“Would you like to go out on a date?”
This would have to be one of the toughest phrases to say known to man. It’s up there with the first “I love you” in a relationship, “Will you marry me” and “I forgive you” after being badly hurt. Recently I have been reminded of just how damn hard it is to say that one phrase. I say reminded because even though I would have loved to have said that phrase to a lady I fancy and that “I’m the man and I nailed it like a pro.” Sadly I chickened out.
I’m 39, I am officially separated from my marriage of 10 years for 12 months now and a few weeks ago I came to the conclusion I’m ready to invite someone into my life again. When I say “I’m ready” I now truly mean I am comfortable with where I am in life, I don’t need someone to fill a void, make me whole, complete me, or any such bulldust. I mean I’m ready to share and experience life again with someone else, I’m after a partner not a heroine or a damsel in distress.
I haven’t been on a first date in over 14 years, I forgot how hard and nerve wracking it was. In some respects dating after a marriage breakup is harder than when you’re a teenager because you a have ton of baggage you are trying to shift out of the way and it still trips you up. But in some respects it’s easier too; you have a maturity now you didn’t have 20 years earlier and all the nonsense from your formative era has largely evaporated. The thoughts of I’m not good enough, she won’t like me and so on aren’t as loud, you understand people like who they like and connect with people they connect with. Either you are someone they are looking for or you’re not. Rejection is simply a statement that you don’t meet their tastes, fair enough, not every woman meets mine either.
“Would you like to go out on a date?” What makes this one phrase so damn hard to say? It’s only nine words. It took me a while to put my finger on it and what it boils down to is that the one thing is of course—fear. Not the fear of being rejected, or of not being good enough. No, it’s none of those; it’s the fear of letting someone inside my walls. Knowing that in nine simple words I am opening a door inside myself so the person sitting opposite me can come inside and Love, Hurt, Help, Betray, Strengthen or Weaken. I don’t truly know the person sitting across from me yet and I don’t know what they are like as a person or will do in the future, but I really do want to find out. But open that door I must if I want to have any form of meaningful relationship.
For me opening that door scares the absolute living daylights out of me. To be honest I would rather face 10-15 thugs armed with knives than open that door. That baggage I mentioned earlier, some of it contains that love, hurt, betrayal, pain, strength and hope from previous relationships and somehow I have managed to shove it right up against the very door I’m now thinking of opening.
So now it’s time to call for a removalist. Now I know that baggage is blocking the doorway it needs to be shifted. I know all the good and bad things that happen in relationships. So what, that was with different people in times gone by. I resent being judged by ghosts of relationships past so it’s hardly fair I have the same thoughts and feelings.
I think this door may always be hard for me to open but I also know the rewards are worth it.
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Photo credit: (altered) Flickr/Ingrid Richter
Webz, that bites. I feel for you and wish I could give you some pointers, but If I was a self help coach this would be a completely different article. That and I have yet to get over my own fear.
For what it’s worth I don’t think your a wuss, just a person with a higher hill to climb than most.
Thank you. I don’t consider myself a wuss, either. But I feel that people downplay the struggle when they say “the guy should ask the girl out” and “a girl should never have to ask a guy out, or settle for such a guy” When I hear that, I picture the situation in my head: “I’m expected to risk my livelihood and reputation, or die single. But it’s unfair if she has to lift a finger to show interest, and is entitled to the attention of men?” However, I count myself blessed that this HASN’T been the case. Girls have… Read more »
Try MGTOW. It’s a lot less stressful and there are no expectations, emotional baggage or crazy behavior to put up with.
I think you make some very good points – I’ve said multiple times here that I think it’s nothing short of psychotic for men to still be expected to make approaches to women in a society where Schrodinger’s Rapist is held up as an example of common sense. If women are so terribly, terribly afraid of being attacked by men, then they can do the approaching, surely. It’s good that some women buck this trend – the initial barrier of “confidence” is overrated. It’s a particular sort of confidence anyway. Most women aren’t that confident either (they’re not approaching either),… Read more »
That generally isn’t how it has been for me. Generally, my fear hasn’t been of rejection, or even letting someone in, as you say. (If anything, I’ve been guilty of being a little TOO eager to let someone in.) My fear is in her interpretation of it. When I’m casually chatting with a girl, I feel comfortable so long as I can sense that she feels comfortable. I’m almost more sensitive to her comfort than to my own. And I’ve always had this fear that introducing something romantic (and thus potentially sexual) would instantly poison the mood, shedding an almost… Read more »