You already know that hooking up with someone who’s committed to someone else is wrong. But it’s also, logically, a bad idea.
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Stealing someone else’s spouse or lover is a common occurrence on television shows and in the movies. This phenomenon, known scientifically as mate poaching, is not just the stuff of Hollywood fiction, though–it’s incredibly common in the real world too. For instance, survey research on North American adults reveals that about half of them report having been poached successfully from a previous relationship [1]! So what comes of romances that begin with poaching. Can luring someone away from their current partner form the basis of a healthy, long-term relationship? According to a new set of studies published in the Journal of Research in Personality, not so much [2].
Across three studies involving heterosexual individuals in romantic relationships, researchers found that poached partners tended to be in more dysfunctional relationships and were less reliable mates. In Study 1, poached partners reported being less satisfied with, invested in, and committed to their relationships than their non-poached counterparts. In addition, poached partners believed that they had better alternatives to their current relationship and spent more time thinking about those alternatives. Over the 9-week period that this study lasted, the differences between poached and non-poached partners on these relationship dimensions become more pronounced.
Study 2 replicated most of these findings and also revealed that poached partners reported engaging in more infidelity. This study also found that certain personality traits appeared to explain these results. Specifically, narcissism (i.e., being self-absorbed) and having an unrestricted sociosexual orientation (i.e., having a greater willingness to have sex without love or intimacy) statistically accounted for many of the links between mate poaching and worse relationship outcomes.
A third study found further support for these results and also revealed that poached partners tended to score lower on the Big Five personality traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness. In other words, poached partners (perhaps unsurprisingly) were less nice and more irresponsible.
To sum it all up, stealing someone away from their romantic partner doesn’t seem like the best recipe for relationship success. Poached partners don’t seem to be as happy with or committed to their relationships, and they do not seem to feel as many qualms about cheating in the future. So, while the popular media might make mate poaching look pretty exciting and sexy, it doesn’t seem to be a good way of finding a partner who will stick around.
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[1] Schmitt, D. P., & International Sexuality Description Project (2004). Patterns and universals of mate poaching across 53 nations: The effects of sex, culture, and personality on romantically attracting another person’s partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86, 560–584.
[2] Foster, J. D., Jonason, P. K., Shrira, I., Keith Campbell, W., Shiverdecker, L. K., & Varner, S. C. (2014). What do you get when you make somebody else’s partner your own? An analysis of relationships formed via mate poaching. Journal of Research in Personality, 52, 78-90.
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This article originally appeared on Justin Lehmiller’s Website.
Photo credit: 123RF.com
Huh, interesting. My ex-wife was just poached from me actually. Sure there was other reasons she may have left, but she hid them very well and didn’t communicate the problems she felt were present. She said she didn’t realise how unhappy she was until she met him.
I’m curious to see how it goes. I think they’re both narcissists, so they should fit well together. Looking forward to the implosion!
A mate you came via them cheating is more likely to cheat? SHOCKING
You can’t steal someone. They go willingly. If you steal them its called kidnapping. My boyfriend was married when we met. His wife had cheated on him multiple times. We all started out as just friends and stuff happens. We have been together for 1 1/2years now and I do not worry about him cheating on me. And vise versa. We only have eyes for each other. Even though his ex is trying everything to get him back. Yes the way we happened may have been wrong but he was willing to leave.
Every decent woman is going to have a boyfriend. It’s your job to steal her away from him. Worked for me. 14 years after stealing her were still together with 3 kids. Same kind if problems as everybody else. I also stole 2 kisses from her. I’d do it again if I was to go back.
I just find it amusing that there would been any doubt that it would be a bad idea. I find it sad that good moral values have to be explained. I guess this is simply a “duh” moment.
Steal them? You make it sound like people are property. Don’t put the blame on the outside party, they aren’t breaking any vows or promises (unless they are also married). The other person is not the reason for a destruction of a relationship, but more often a symptom of a greater problem.
Dr. Lehmiller, I wish you had shown the data in your post.