Despite his optimism, John gets blindsided by Jane’s request to separate. Now he is confused more than ever about what to do next. What would you do?
____
John has been feeling good about his marriage and it worries him.
It’s been six weeks since John spoke up for what he wanted in his marriage and things have smoothed out quickly. Maybe too quickly.
Even though at the time Jane responded with a stinging “Screw you it’s all your fault”, she seems to have softened on that stance. They have been talking more civilly and haven’t argued seriously about anything in ages. They even talked about an upcoming family vacation. “That’s got to be a good sign!” John thought to himself.
She said, “I know how hard you’ve been trying and I appreciate it. But this isn’t working for me. Nothing feels right to me and I can’t imagine doing this any longer.
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Jane hasn’t gotten even remotely affectionate with him, but John thinks she may come around in time. He knows he must be patient and not pressure her too much. He has stopped pushing for sex and is making sure he stays more present with Jane and readily communicates about priorities, to-do lists, kids, work, meals and money.
Things aren’t great between them, but it feels much better than before.
That’s why John felt like he was hit by a dump truck when Jane confronted him on Sunday morning.
She said, “I know how hard you’ve been trying and I appreciate it. But this isn’t working for me. Nothing feels right to me and I can’t imagine doing this any longer. I think we need to separate to figure things out. And I think you should be the one to leave.”
John found himself back in a place he thought he left behind.
He was frozen. His brain shut down. No words came to him except for, “Umm…OK”.
♦◊♦
A Man’s Guilt Can Lead to Bad Decisions
John and Jane didn’t speak another word about what she said all week long. It was like it didn’t happen. But John’s head was reeling with scenarios for how this might all play out.
One thing was clear. He felt guilty.
He felt like he somehow screwed things up again. He imagined what Jane meant by “separation”. Separate how? Where? With what end in mind?
What about the kids? Where would they stay? They can’t be yanked out of their home!
John thought “It would just be easier if I left, I guess. She and the kids need the house more than I do.
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What about money? Would there be rent to pay? Another whole household to support?
What does she think we would we actually be doing during the separation? Counseling? Dating? Filling out divorce papers?
John thought “It would just be easier if I left, I guess. She and the kids need the house more than I do. I could survive better in a small apartment than she could. Maybe this IS all my fault.”
Guilt does this to men.
It makes them come to stupid conclusions like that.
♦◊♦
Jane Tries to Explain Her Side of the Story
The next Sunday, Jane brought the subject up again.
She calmly explained, “You know, it would just be so much easier on everyone if you were the one to leave. You’re more flexible and could be closer to work. Besides, all the kid’s stuff is here and we don’t want them to be upset by all this. My mom could more easily help out with the kids when I go to work if we stay here. I think if you had their best interests in mind you’d have to agree, right?”
John wasn’t expecting that. He thought they would talk more about WHY they were supposed to separate. He wasn’t ready to talk about logistics.
“Tell me why again you think a separation is the right answer” he asked.
“Freedom?” John asked. “Just what exactly does freedom mean to you?
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Jane got frustrated quickly. “I thought we were through all that. I tried to tell you that I just can’t be in the same house with you right now. It feels so…I don’t know…just hard and uncomfortable. I don’t feel like I know you anymore and I don’t feel like I can be ME anymore. I feel smothered. I can’t breathe. I need air. I need space. I need a little freedom.”
“Freedom?” John asked. “Just what exactly does freedom mean to you? What do you expect to happen during the time we are separated? What’s the plan? What’s the goal?”
In a nervous and impatient tone, Jane said, “I can’t answer all your questions now. I don’t know exactly. We can figure all that out later. For now, we just need space from each other to think!”
“Don’t put WE in there” John said. “It sounds like you’re the only one who needs space.”
♦◊♦
See John Get Over His Guilt
John and Jane never reached any conclusion during their Sunday talk. He left the conversation feeling more frustrated and confused than ever.
John took the day off from work on Monday because he knew he wouldn’t be any good there. He needed time to think. Maybe a day alone and walk in the park could clear his head. Something might shake loose for him and he could make sense of what’s happening.
Jane seemed just as confused. She was normally an organized person with a clear head. Her trademark was multitasking and taking care of everyone. She was an over-achiever since grade school and wasn’t accustomed to making impulsive decisions and not thinking things through. But now she seemed incredibly anxious and unsure of herself. She was swearing more in front of the kids. And for some reason, she decided to take up smoking for the first time in her life.
“Here’s the thing, though. I will not be leaving my home or my children. If you want to leave, then go. You have my support and I will defend you and your need to get some time and space to work things out.”
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By 4:00pm that day, John was sitting in a Starbucks writing an email on his laptop. A wave of clarity had come over him and he was pounding out the last few words of a message for Jane.
He was nervous about sending it and had no clue how she would take it. But he meant every word of it. Even if it made her furious, he had to tell her exactly where he stood and why. The outcome wasn’t as important as him sticking to his values as a man and father. As he took a deep breath, John closed his eyes and clicked the “Send” button.
♦◊♦
Dear Jane,
I took the day off to think about everything you’ve said and to get clear about what I think and feel about the whole thing.
First, I want you to know I can see your pain and frustration. I can’t say I totally understand it, but I know it’s real for you. I respect the fact that you are unclear about a lot of things and need time and space to figure it out. I won’t fight you or try to talk you out of it. If you think separating is the key to finding some peace and some answers, then I can accept that.
Here’s the thing, though. I will not be leaving my home or my children.
If you want to leave, then go. You have my support and I will defend you and your need to get some time and space to work things out. We will figure out the logistics together and find a way to finance it without going broke. It won’t make you the “bad” parent to leave. The kids will know that you and I agreed on it. Everyone will know that.
But, we need a plan. I won’t support an open ended separation that has no structure and no intention for how we work on resolving our issues. I won’t sign up for an indefinite arrangement of “I don’t know” and “We’ll see”. We need to agree on the terms of the separation and how it will serve us. I’m not interested in making it a drawn out stepping stone to divorce. If you want a divorce, just tell me now.
We will need the help of a counselor to help sort this out and make a plan for a “healing separation”. My hope and intention is that we use this phase of our marriage as a time to heal and a time to grow. I believe everything we think is wrong with the marriage is meant to challenge us to grow closer.
That’s what I want in the end. I love you. I want you as my wife, lover and mother of our kids. All under the same roof. I don’t just want us to tolerate each other. I want us to learn to celebrate each other. And I believe we can use the separation to achieve that. It will take commitment and a lot of personal work and mutual support.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeThat’s what I want. If you tell me that’s something you don’t want and can’t commit to, then I think we’re wasting our time with the idea of a separation. Let’s not waste time.
When you’re ready, let’s talk about our next steps.
Love,
John
What do you think about John’s email to Jane?
Is he being reactive and selfish? Is he being rational and compassionate?
What do you think is really going on with Jane?
Your insights and comments below will help more people than you know. Please share your opinions and experiences here.
I wrote a special report for men in John’s shoes. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo: Daniela Vladimirova/Flickr
♦◊♦
Steve As a woman I think it is not the best thing to write a letter. It is best to say the words face to face. I am sorry about family law in U.S. We do not know how these children are. A woman should not leave the child if it is a baby , unless of course the father is the person the baby is the most attached to already. At least that is how i feel but I actually do not know …. When the children is older it is not a problem for them to live with… Read more »
typo
We do not know how old these children are ….
Hi Silke,
Thanks for taking time to comment!
I totally agree about face to face conversations on matters this deep and emotional. However, I’ve been amazed at how many clients use texting and instant message as their PRIMARY mode of relationship communication. In many cases it is preferred. At 54 yrs. old, this dinosaur is trying to relate. The reason I hear a lot is “Well, she/he just does better with texting she/he is less nervous and can express themselves better. Plus it gives them time to think before they have to answer.”
What do you think about that?
Steve
I do understand the argument that text , messaging or email , gives you time to think before you answer.
But in this situation where a man fights for his marriage and the great love of his life,then I feel his chance to win is better if he has the strength to face her directly.
I am glad I do not have your job :).
It must be difficult .
Silke, you know you’ve found your gift and your purpose when what you’re doing feels effortless and rewarding…and the rest of the world thinks you’re nuts. ;^)
🙂
As a man, this letter seems very compassionate and probably the most rational thing to do.
But then again, we are constantly told that trying to be rational is usually the worst response imaginable, to a woman in emotional distress.
So it seems most likely that this answer is going to make him end up homeless with child support to pay.
So it’s the old “men are rational and women are emotional” song and dance? You know that’s long since been disproven? Rational and emotional are not gender specific and they aren’t mutually exclusive. Is your “rational” response to a woman in “emotional distress” really rational or is it dismissive and disrespectful? I imagine it would be hard for you to know if you subscribe to this way of thinking.
You got it all figured out, Kyla.
I imagine you don’t read an awful lot of articles this site, since you seem oblivious of what I am referring to.
I would not offer relationship advice because given my track record it would probably be bad. However, I am very glad to see him standing up for his relationship with his kids. I’ve never understood why it is automatic that the man has to leave when the woman is the one who wants to separate. My ex-boyfriend did not have a formal custody agreement with his son’s mother and they were never married. Every time she didn’t like what he was doing she would threaten to keep his son from him. He didn’t understand his legal rights. I think John… Read more »
I read through all the installments and I wish we had more backstory about what is going on with Jane. She just comes across as very abusive and irrational, which makes it hard to understand why John wants to try to work anything out. She must have had some positive qualities at some point that made him fall in love with her. Now it seems like he wants to stay married just for the sake of having all the perks of marriage (the house, the kids, the regular sex) but I don’t get any sense that he cares about her… Read more »
@ Sarah
“…..just for the sake of having all the perks of marriage (the house, the kids, the regular sex)…”
Wow! I did not know these things were considered “perks.”. You can have all these things without being married. Could it be that John actually loves his wife, his kids, his family? Is not Jane also enjoying these “perks” too?
John sounds like so many men who fall in love with an attractive woman only to discover she does not (and probably never has) love him. I don’t think there is really anything unusual going on her head.
What I meant was that in the installments I read, John never tells Jane what he loves about her other than what she is provding him. He says he loves her because she’s his wife, lover and mother. He never says “I love you because you are a great person, you’re funny, you love animals, you sing like an angel” or whatever. The things he says are all about the roles she’s playing in his life. I realize this is fiction so it’s the author’s perspective but I wonder if he’s thought about that aspect of it. And I’m not… Read more »
Sarah, It seems to me that Jane may be even more eager to keep the perks of marriage (kids/house/sex) mostly the way she enjoys them now, as she seems intent on keeping the house and the kids for herself. And for the sex, I guess she can find it somewhere else, should it become a priority. But also, I think you are right. They mostly seem to see each other as co-parents, providers, and ex-lovers. I guess that’s why he is writing “I don’t just want us to tolerate each other. I want us to learn to celebrate each other.”… Read more »
Agreed, she’s doing the same thing. I suppose a lot of couples fall into that pattern, where you just see your partner as someone who exists to meet your needs.
I agree with you Sarah, It seems terribly one sided. I doubt she was that bitter when they first married and given that he was seeking counseling to learn to stand up for himself, it seems reasonable to assume that he has contributed to the discourse in the marriage that has led her to want to end it. While he may want to rekindle the marriage, it may very well be too late for her. As for the divorce laws in his state that others have been talking about – I live in Canada – there is nothing in our… Read more »
@Kyla, “She also had valid reasons on why it would be best for him to leave the home. If he was honest in his email that he respects her feelings and desire for separation and if she’s able to satisfactorily answer his questions and they can come up with a better plan, he should reconsider leaving.” I call bullshit on this! Why should he leave if it is her ass that is unhappy? Why can’t she get the hell out? What makes her entitled to the home? So, he can continue to pay for it along with child support while… Read more »
Jules Wow – angry much? So now it’s a personal attack against me? Seriously, is that the best you can do? And we’re going off on a tangent here…. Where in this imaginary story did you get that she wanted to have a revolving door of lovers? Is it your ASSUMPTION that all women are whores? Kind of looks like it. AND….. if (and, given society today, this is most likely) she’s been the primary caregiver of the children, why should that change because the relationship ends? It would make no sense for the primary caregiver to leave the children… Read more »
Just serve her with papers and be done with it. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do to protect yourself. If she isn’t named on the property, sign it over to someone you trust.
@ Diz,
The sad reality in America is that if he serves her with divorce papers, in most states he will be ordered to leave the family home, pay child support, and even spousal support. Only to then see her use the family home to entertain a revolving door of lovers. This is where I am in total agreement with MRA movement in getting these types of laws changed.
When I read the first article two weeks ago or so, I knew this is exactly where it was heading. She is done with John. No one says what she said to him that morning and the issue is “John took it personally.” Yes, she was frustrated. But, to say the things she said spoke the truth. I am thrilled that John has decided to finally stand up for himself and his kid(s). The sad reality is that in most states all she has to do is initiate a divorce and John is going to be thrown out of his… Read more »
Thanks for your comments, Jules. Yeah, you’re right about how badly a divorce can turn out for men. The legal system doesn’t guarantee reasonableness or fairness by any means and it can suck. In this story (and most like it), I think John’s best position is one of strength and clarity. No matter what Jane decides to do, John can’t allow himself to get dragged down into self-pity and negativity. In many cases, a man who stands up for himself – for love – for respect – and for change finds his woman willing to join him in transformation. Even… Read more »
…should have said “allow him to NOW move on…”