Steve Horsmon teams up with Heather Gray to help Jane and John get out of their own way.
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John and Jane’s Story: Morning Argument |
Jane read John’s email three times and was still shaking her head in confusion.
She took a mental health day off from work and asked her sister to meet her for coffee to talk.
“I guess it’s John’s way or the highway” Jane said to her sister, looking over her coffee mug. Jenny was six years older than Jane and was a source of constant support for her. Jane admired Jenny’s marriage and, for the first time ever, was asking for some advice.
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Jenny finished reading the letter John sent to her sister and said, “From the outside looking in it sounds like a really sweet letter. He sounds committed and clear about what he wants. He loves you. But, I’ve never heard John talk like that before. It doesn’t sound like him.”
I know he’s hurt and he needs to protect himself. But he doesn’t seem to want to understand my hurt and my confusion. He just wants to fix it and move on HIS way.
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“I know!” Jane replied. “All of the sudden he’s all about having a plan and being decisive and making commitments to working together. Where was THAT five years ago? I know what you mean. His letter feels strong. I like that…but I’m not sure I trust it. It feels like he is trying to take control of the whole situation and control me at the same time.”
Jenny asked, “Is there anything he could have said differently that would make you feel better? More trusting?”
Jane answered, “I don’t know. I suppose if the whole tone was a little softer, it would feel better. He has this black and white, take it or leave it vibe. I know he’s hurt and he needs to protect himself. But he doesn’t seem to want to understand my hurt and my confusion. He just wants to fix it HIS way.”
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Take a Look from Jane’s Perspective
I asked Heather Gray, for some insight. She suggested that there are probably some things John doesn’t know about Jane. Empathizing with Jane’s frustration and confusion about her marriage may require John to understand her perspective.
Heather writes,
Jane probably stopped talking a long time ago, a long time before John ever started talking to her. When she fought with him that morning, she wasn’t talking about that one, specific day. She was unleashing years of tongue biting and built up resentment. She and John decided to have kids together and she assumed that he knew all of the responsibility and chores that came with that. After all, they’re his kids, too.
Jane assumed that John could read her mind, could know what was needed and should be able to do that without being asked. Jane likely got caught up in the bitterness of having to ask. After all, no one asked her.
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She may have asked nicely a few times for help but then she got tired of asking when he wasn’t consistent about helping or if he didn’t actually help in a way that was helpful. Long before John started talking, Jane was walking away disappointed about unmet needs and let down expectations and decided it was just easier to do it all herself.
Why? Because like many people do with the person they love, Jane assumed that John could read her mind, could know what was needed and should be able to do that without being asked. Jane likely got caught up in the bitterness of having to ask. After all, no one asked her. She just knew what needed to be done and did it. In her mind, John should do the same.
She stopped talking and John stopped asking and thus, they are now in a mess because amidst the busy-ness of kids and jobs, they took communication off of their list of priorities. They took the relating part out of their relationship and a pile of assumptions led to a pile of misunderstandings which led to a pile of resentment.
It’s great that John is being so open and vulnerable but there is no context for this. Jane doesn’t know what’s prompted the changes or if the changes will last. That makes Jane, herself, pretty vulnerable, too. What if she buys into the idea that it could really be different this time, that she and John could be happily married with kids and it went back to the mess it was before once everyone stopped being on their best behavior? That’s a scary place to be and sometimes that risk is just too intimidating. It’ll hurt more if it doesn’t work out this time.
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Jane Gets another Letter from John
As Jane and Jenny sipped on their coffee, Jane’s email chime went off on her phone.
John had been working on another letter.
As Jane read it quietly, tears softly splashed onto the coffee mug coaster on the table.
She sniffed and handed the phone to Jenny and said, “Now THIS is more like it. This feels better to me.”
After Jenny finished reading she said, “He really seems to be trying. You can too. Maybe you should find a coach.”
Jane answered, “Yeah, maybe I should. I know he thinks I don’t love him. But, I DO, you know?”
Jenny smiled, “I know you do, honey. Maybe you should tell him and not me.”
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“Gosh, Jane. You must be so confused. One moment I’m here, the next I’m gone, and then suddenly I am here again. I don’t blame you for not trusting me or for not getting where I am coming from. I know you’ve been hurt and I am realizing you’ve probably been lonely, too.
I’ve been hurting, myself and here’s the thing. I got help. I’m working with a men’s coach and he’s been helping me learn how to be a better man and better husband. I know I never told you I was doing that but yeah, I needed help figuring things out. I realized I never told you how I felt or the hopes I have for our relationship. I assumed that you knew, that you trusted that. I am starting to see, though, that that trust just evaporated with a lack of oxygen and nurturance. I know I wasn’t tuned in but I want to be now. I want us to talk about how we can be better together.
I want to know and understand your hurts and I plan to use my coach’s help in maintaining this progress so we don’t just honeymoon and then get off course again when life gets busy. I imagine you’re afraid of that. Me, too. This sucks and I never want to do this part again. So, yeah, I get your doubt but I hope you’ll take one more chance on me, on us, and our family. I love you.”
I wrote a special report for men in John’s shoes. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo: Ed Yourdon/Flickr
Hi, I’d like to offer some feedback on Heather Grey’s input. First. Of course John needs to understand Jane’s perspective. But isn’t it rather far-fetched to require him to do so without her enlightening him about what it actually is? And so far she hasn’t taken one step to provide that insight, beyond telling him she’s ready for a divorce. Or are we still expecting men to be the mind-readers of women here? Second. Heather, dare I say, rather jumps to the conclusion that Jane has been left with the sole responsibility of the children in the family. Yet, in… Read more »
Hey Archy, I like your clarity and your confidence. You know exactly what you would do. Good for you. Who knows if you’re right in this case, of course. At this point in a relationship, it’s quite possible that one or both people are so checked out and resentful that a split is inevitable and they are just delaying it. It’s possible they BOTH feel “abused” and have their own mangled definitions of what “abuse” is and have drawn a line in the sand. At this point, neither person is willing or capable of changing. Your sensitivity to Jane’s “abuse”… Read more »
If this is the same Jane as the first article where MANY commenters said she was abusive, then I would run.
Is this a John/Jane each article is separate with just basic names like John/Jane doe or is it a 4 article story of the same characters? The first article was not “abuse”, it was ABUSE. Verbal and emotional abuse. I’d say the same thing to people if situations were reversed, and I’ve told my female friends with men who were like Jane in the first article to RUN.
Hi Steve
I think you have a very good point here.
We all have different deal breakers and that also means we do not define abuse the same way.
That is why it can be so hard to understand an intimate partner.
It is tricky ,shall we disclose to the other in the very beginning of a romantic relationship what is our weak points and therefor also our deal breakers?
If you are involved with the wrong person, then he or she can do a lot of harm ,knowing what hurts you the most.
It is complicated.
Tell Jane to F off already and find someone better. That should have happened in the first article. Jane is abusive, John deserves better. Case closed.
But Archy, what if Jane get diagnosed with “burn our syndrome “.?
As far as I know that can make a person really nasty , but it can be healed.
What if she once was a kind person that changed after she became burned out ,and John know she can be her old self again with proper help and change of lifestyle etc.
Can you then advice John to give her another chance?
If she’s willing to work her ass off at it, maybe. Depends on him. If she continues the cycle though he needs to run. No one should put up with abuse.
I can handle the odd occasion if I know they don’t mean it but are overwhelmed with feelings, but regular occurrences are not good.