When Jane repeats a familiar threat, John says something that even surprised him.
____
It’s 10:30am and Jane and John have been texting each other madly since the big blow up at 5:30 that morning. They have both gone to work but are still arguing through their phones.
John is pursuing an apology and a truce after Jane’s disrespectful outburst. Jane is defending herself and justifying her harsh words and blaming him for making her so angry.
John is feeling hurt by Jane’s continual criticism and lack of affection. She’s been acting coldly toward him and continues to reject his efforts reconnect.
Their emotional cyber-fight is not going well.
John: “You were horrible to me this morning for no reason. You need to apologize.”
Jane: “Maybe I wouldn’t be so horrible if I felt like I didn’t have to do EVERYTHING.”
John: You don’t have to. I think you just want everything done YOUR way. I’m always willing to help and you know it. But nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
Jane: With the way you try to help, I’d be better off as a single mother.
John: WTF does THAT mean? What are you saying?
Jane: Maybe it’s time we get serious about just calling it quits. I’m so done with all this crap. I can’t take it anymore. I think I should just leave and get it over with.
John: [silence]
♦◊♦
It happened again.
Jane threatened John with divorce again. It her “go to” move to shut him down and silence him. It works every time and he hates that he can’t respond to it.
He has no defense against the fear created by her threats. Being abandoned is one of John’s biggest insecurities and Jane knows it.
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Why?
Because it scares the crap out of him. It feels abusive.
It makes his brain freeze and his mouth inoperable. It starts the horror movies in his mind of moving away from his kids, seeing Jane with someone else and living like an aimless, penniless gypsy.
He has no defense against the fear created by her threats. Being abandoned is one of John’s biggest insecurities and Jane knows it.
They talked about their tendency to attack each other’s weak spots and, during 6 weeks of marriage counseling, each of them vowed to do better.
But today was not one of their better days.
♦◊♦
How the Fear of Divorce Can Accelerate Divorce
John’s fear of divorce is part of the problem.
He is so focused on all the things he doesn’t want that is all he’s getting. It’s like a race car driver looking at the wall and trying to avoid it at the same time. John’s about to hit the wall.
John is getting more anger, more arguing, more distance and more disrespect because that’s what he is bringing to the party. His fear is causing him to perpetuate the negativity by negatively reacting to Jane.
He is afraid that the one and only woman in the world currently qualified to share a healthy, loving, respectful and passionate relationship may leave him for wanting just that.
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This will surely speed up the decline of his marriage.
John’s fear of what he doesn’t want keeps him from boldly standing up for what he does want. He’s afraid of what Jane will say if he tells her what he expects from their marriage.
He’s scared she will reject him if he takes the lead to create a more positive, compassionate and affectionate energy in the marriage.
He is afraid that the one and only woman in the world currently qualified to share a healthy, loving, respectful and passionate relationship may leave him for wanting just that.
Sounds a little silly when you think about it.
John thought so too.
♦◊♦
John’s Fearless Response to Jane
“This is bullshit!” he said to himself.
“I’m not playing this game anymore. I can’t just keep my mouth shut every time she brings up divorce.”
Later that night, after the kids were in bed, John sat on the couch with Jane.
I want the joy, affection and tenderness back. I want more passion. I expect those things from myself and for myself.That’s the life I intend to have – even if you divorce me.
|
He was more calm and deliberate than she had seen in a long time and it calmed her. Then John said,
“Sweetie, this day was not one of our best and I expect to never repeat it again. We both went down a rat hole we’ve seen way too often. I’m better than that. We’re better than that.
I love you as my wife, my lover, and the mother of our two incredible kids. I’ve always loved you. It’s always been you. I want us to treat each other with more respect and kindness and create the life we wanted when we first met. I want the joy, affection and tenderness back. I want more passion. I expect those things from myself and for myself.
That’s the life I intend to have – even if you divorce me. I don’t want that and I want your threats of leaving to stop. They no longer scare me and they will destroy any chance we have of rebuilding the trust needed to move forward. I plan to lead the way. You can join me or not. And if you really think you want a divorce, please just skip the threats and go ahead and get the papers I’ll never try to keep you where you’re not happy.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeLet’s go to bed and try again tomorrow. It will be better than today…promise.”
♦◊♦
You may wonder how Jane responded. You may want to know how the story ends.
It doesn’t matter. It’s not the point.
John has finally become detached from his fear. He has stated his intent to Jane and to the world.
He is no longer dependent on the outcome with Jane and realizes that the only way he will ever have what he wants is to create it.
It starts with him. And he’s good with that.
If you want to learn more about losing your fear and creating what you want, click below to get your free copy of “The Hard-to-Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” HERE.
Photo: Getty
♦◊♦
After multiple promises to never utter the “D word” in anger and after my wife broke this promise several times thereafter, I decided to no longer give her that power over me. It was liberating. I called her bluff. We’re divorced now. After just one year. Threatening divorce when you’re not getting your way or angry is emotionally abusive, period. No if’s, no but’s. Mistakes can be made and everyone deserves a second chance but, if uttered one too many times, this sort of behavior quickly becomes manipulative and abusive. This type of behavior is usually a sign of far… Read more »
From early in our marriage, whenever my husband and I would argue, he would make comments that he never should have married me to begin with, he should have listened to others who said not to marry me, we should get divorced, etc. I was shocked that he would say those things. He would apologize later, saying he loved me, etc. Inevitably though, those same words would continue to be brought up every time there was an argument. After almost 17 years, I’m tired of it. He is constantly threatening divorce and that he will take the kids from me.… Read more »
When I work with some of the children I mentor, I notice that they sometimes get caught up with who’s getting or doing X, Y, and Z among the people they know. This sometimes translates into very negative behavior like trying to undermine some one. I’ve always told them to focus on making themselves happy, getting themselves to where they want to be rather than hating on others. It will make them happier in the long run and ultimately that is what is important.
Don’t put up with threats, ever. Call their bluff. You are better off single.
Hi Magnolia, Thanks for taking time to comment! Yup, the roles are reversed all the time. I know strong, clear, confident women in exactly the same shoes as John is here. And the advice is very similar – not exactly the same – but similar. It’ll take too much space to explain why here. A spouse who constantly brings up divorce does so for many reasons. Being “checked” out is one of them. Feeling hopeless is another. Feeling scared is another. Many times it’s a conscious or unconscious “test” of the commitment and love of their partner. John finally passed… Read more »
I assume you can reverse genders and the advice would be the same. In my experience, wives can get angry and critical for reasons way more significant that ‘having to do everything’ . How about this scenario: wife stays at home to be a SAHM, husband is the breadwinner. Husband spends less and less time at home and more and more going out (‘with clients’) until the wee hours. Husband sleeps day away when he does, wife starts to be critical of the lifestyle, lack of balance, lack of presence with kids etc. then every time she ‘complains’ he says… Read more »
Yup.
@ Magnolia “Husband spends less and less time at home and more and more going out (‘with clients’)” There was a marriage I know of that ended in divorce where the husband was working so many hours that the wife didn’t feel connected (her explanation for the affair). Thing started with husband trying to save for the kids education, pay for vacations, etc. In the early stages wife tried to fill void by shopping, which made husband work even more over time. Thing was they never talked about the underlying issues. Could they have rolled back vacations so he wouldn’t… Read more »
Interesting article.
I think it’s time for John to take her up on the offer. Your last article described this as going on for several months so this isn’t a ‘Bad Day’ causing some unusual behavior on her part. This seems, in fact, to have become the ‘New Normal’ in their relationship. You speak of how he loves her, but somehow I doubt this always angry hurtful person she has become is what he fell in love with. To think that some talk will somehow reverse this trend is extremely optimistic to say the least! I think that even if it’s a… Read more »
I think i want to respond to a part of your comment that initially really rubbed me wrong, but I now can really see it as a really powerful statement. You Said: ” To think that some talk will somehow reverse this trend is extremely optimistic to say the least!” You’re right, at least in the respect that thinking one conversation, one action, one day of expressing his truth is not going to change anything, most likely. At least, not in a lasting way. His truth that he spoke to her, his desire to reconnect with her, his desire to… Read more »
Jeez, Jason. Speaking of Sunday coffee, how much have you had?
Seriously, that was a beautiful comment. Thanks for pounding that out.
Wow Jason, you seem to have somehow built this very full psychological profile for Jane from a few paragraphs that Steve wrote and you could be right, but it still would be a correct guess. I think you and I are filling in details from our own personal past. If I’m correct and your life is what you described, congrats! Me, well the idea of continuing to take abuse, whether verbal or physical, is a non starter. The first 18 years of my life were spent with a verbally abusive and manipulative women (I called her Mom). To this day(I’m… Read more »
Thanks bobbt, I appreciate your honesty and openness in your reply. I can totally recognize where your comments come from, and I want you to know that I can relate in a very real way. I was on the receiving end of emotional abuse for about 18 years as well – to the point of experiencing suicidal thoughts every single day – and I truly find it very sad that we, and so many other people, were/are on the receiving end of another person’s insecurity and fear. I think we all read these articles through our own lens – that’s… Read more »
Jane does not deserve John’s kindness. She is a horrible woman.
Why is she a horrible woman? Everyone deserves kindness, and it is a tremendous thing that John can continue to try to show that when things are not perfect – He’s the type of strong, great man that I would want in my circle or to marry my daughter (especially after his beginning transformation in this article!) She has been behaving horribly…granted…she’s been acting like a real bitch actually… …she’s also probably really scared… …she’s probably feeling like she has to control everything, or everything will fall apart – family, work, the house – she’s worn out… …she doesn’t trust… Read more »
@ Jason
“she doesn’t trust John – after the last article, it is clear that John doesn’t trust himself, either, so is she wrong?”
That’s largely because she undercut John’s confidence and self esteem. That’s very similar to what an abuser does. I don’t think you should fault John for that.
I don’t fault John – any John. For him, or anyone else, to let someone else determine how he feels about himself is a bad place to be in. That’s a victim mindset, and it feeds on itself – I know, I was a John… Letting her leave, or leaving himself, without doing what he could to mend a broken relationship that was most likely very good at one point would also be an effect of the victim mindset. Thank goodness he stepped out of that dark place, into a more abundant way of thinking and acting. I wish that… Read more »
“Letting her leave, or leaving himself, without doing what he could to mend a broken relationship that was most likely very good at one point would also be an effect of the victim mindset.” I don’t agree. I think John is a victim of abuse. I think having a victims mind set is bad for John, but not unjustified. John is a victim because John is being abused. Ending the relationship or allowing the relationship to end ends the abuse. I don’t think it’s a victim’s mindset to allow an abusive relationship to end or to refuse to fight for… Read more »
John doesn’t trust himself to read her mind in that out-of-the-ordinary moment, so he asks her what she wants. (He was perfectly capable and confident in his ability to care for the children, remember?)
Why is that such a capital offense for a woman?
Her flipping out on him is also a choise she is making. Why?
She had a stressful morning and asked for his help.
He stepped up to take responsibility for the kids, and then asked what SHE might need in that moment, and she continued to bite his head off for being useless.
Yes, I can see it was a terrible act on his part…
I think you’re missing the forest through the trees. Could she be 100% of the problem? Possibly. Not likely, but possibly… Can he change his ways? Yes, and he started in this article. …he could have just assumed it was all her, continued to take everything personally and assumed it all about him, or just given up thinking either of those were true and not fixable – not a very strong man in my book. …or he could get to the bottom of things, and lead her into a new way of relating with each other and dealing with life’s… Read more »
You are moving the goalposts, Jason.
The issue is not assigning 100% blame, either way, for the situation in their relationship as a whole.
The question was, without rewriting the original story, in what way he acted “terribly” when he found out she had a particularily stressful morning?
What SHOULD have been his initial respose when she asked for help in the first place?
You’re right, FlyingKal, I can admit that that last sentence in was not worded correctly. There are two people in this and any relationship. They both have a responsibility to correcting things when they go bad. She is acting emotionally and irrationally, and he is confused, doubting himself, and dropping to her level instead of leading them out of this funk. He’s not a bad person, he’s just not taking the opportunity, until the end of this article, to be true to himself. I was John…I know where he was on the morning of the last article. It sucks. It’s… Read more »
Yes, Jason most men have probably been right there, being told by our partner that we are totally useless in a situation we’re actually totally capable to handle.
That’s why I’m so curious, and repeat the original question that still goes unanswered:
“What SHOULD have been his initial respose when she asked for help in the first place?”
You know, in order not to escalate the situation in the first place?
Side note. The double comments earlier are becuase I thought the first one got lost when it didn’t show up after a couple of hours.
Hi FK, you asked, ““What SHOULD have been his initial response when she asked for help in the first place?” I advise men to first be very aware of their emotional state first. I you are highly triggered and emotionally affected, it’s best to take a big, deep breath. If you can’t speak without going down a rat hole with her, then walk away. Tell her, “I’m not ignoring you, but I AM walking away to gather my thoughts. I’m not going to follow you down this path.” It’s important to NOT ASK QUESTIONS at this point. No, “What’s the… Read more »
Clarification. My response above was about responding to her AFTER he offered help.
I don’t think he should have done ANYTHING differently when she asked for help.
Thank you Steve, for finally addressing the question. 🙂
(And this is not a bad reflection on you, since it wasn’t directed at you in the first place.)
Here’s why Jane threatens divorce: She a manipulative, abusive person. Threatening to leave someone is a tool to win an argument. What these manipulative fools don’t realize is their threats only work for so long. What ultimately happens, is the person that’s constantly under threat of divorce eventually starts to self protect. After all, how can you emotionally trust someone who threatens to leave you when they don’t get their way? or are upset? why would anyone bother being emotionally engaged with someone so manipulative? I’ve been the recipient of this, every argument for over a decade, and during that… Read more »
As someone who’s been threatened with divorce in 80% of the fights I’ve had with my husband, I think I have a unique perspective into both sides of this equation. When someone threatens divorce, it’s manipulative and abusive. It erodes the fibers of the relationship, because, if the receiver of that threat cares, it takes away their voice…their rights. People like that are abusive and making excuses for their manipulative behavior is wrong. If Jane is in pain, she should say “I’m in pain,” rather than making threats. Divorce should only be discussed, with a calm head and when it’s… Read more »
Hi Steve
I visited your website to get a free copy of “The hard to swallow…
But I never figured out how to do it.
As a woman I am curious to find our what it is men want but are unwilling to ask for.
Hi Silke,
Did you enter your email address and receive a confirmation email to download the report?
That’s the best way. If you can’t figure it out, just email me directly at steve@Steve Horsmon.com
I’m glad to help you all I can. Also, two books I recommend for women are:
Feminine & Powerful by Rachael Jayne Groover
Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know by Barbara DeAngelis
These ladies celebrate men and the women who want to love them.