College student Nigel Taylor uses his personal experiences to explore one of the common problems facing men today.
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Men who perceive themselves as unattractive, and are aware that they feel this way, are less motivated to pursue women. Women often think that men are only motivated by sex and the next woman they can sleep with, but there are many good men out there. They simply lack the confidence to be proactive. The lack of this vital tool, the ability to feel attractive, makes them believe that no woman would want to be with them.
Honestly think about it: If you can’t even believe that you are attractive, how can you see others viewings you as so?
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I have been in several relationships with very beautiful women, but even then I simply couldn’t believe I was with this person. Just how in the world could she find me attractive? I would think to myself. I was stuck between complimenting her and fishing for compliments, obsessed with having a sense of security and comfort. In a way this insecurity often helps when I find myself in a relationship. Because you cherish the girl more than you do yourself, you find that hurting her hurts you more. Men with this insecurity feel as if causing the woman they love pain is equal to total disaster, which in turn feels as if it would be the end of the world.
The lack of this vital tool, the ability to feel attractive, makes them believe that no woman would want to be with them. Honestly think about it: If you can’t even believe that you are attractive, how can you see others viewings you as so?
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One time, I was in a relationship with a girl who I couldn’t believe said “Yes.” I was a complete failure in my approach to her and she looked past that. By the time we were dating I was infatuated with everything she did. Unfortunately, we also had to end things, but this we weren’t on quite as good of terms. Even though she was unfaithful to me, that wasn’t even the main of the reason why I ended things (although it played a big part). I ended them for the simple reason that, although her infidelity was painful, I had started to accept it with the thought, Well how long did I really think she was going to go without finding a better, more attractive guy? Eventually I had to convince myself that this thought process wasn’t healthy.
On another occasion, I was in a relationship with a girl that I viewed as a goddess. Sometimes it felt like time slowed down when she was around, but she didn’t see herself the way I saw her. In fact, she refused to believe I was telling the truth. All I can remember thinking is Man, how can she not think she’s gorgeous? What if she was actually in my league? When it came time to break things off with her, I was crushed. Even though the break up was due to circumstances beyond our control, I still wanted to hate her, just so I had a reason to escape the fact that I still loved her.
Even though the break up was due to circumstances beyond our control, I still wanted to hate her, just so I had a reason to escape the fact that I still loved her.
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To use one last personal example, I found myself in what I’ll call a “sort of” relationship; in my school we referred to it as a “thing.” The first time I ever laid eyes on her, I thought, Damn, who ever winds up with her is going to be one lucky bastard. When I finally gained the courage to click on her “favorite for a confession post,” she actually said she thought I was attractive. I was shocked! Immediately thoughts started racing in, Is she serious? She’s messing with me, this probably isn’t her. After figuring out it was true, we met up a couple of times, I was so caught up in her beauty and my disbelief she could even be interested in me that I never took the time to connect with her. Our relationship remained physical and casual, which I enjoyed because we were mutually attracted to each other, but I was so grateful to simply have that I lacked the courage to strive for something deeper.
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Men who have these self-confidence issues are more likely to be promiscuous, feel disconnected from women, and will undermine their own potential. The best part of being humble is that you appreciate and love those with whom you develop a genuine attraction all the more. At the same time, this warped perspective makes us simultaneously too eager to trust and unsure if we can ever really trust at all. These men wind up convincing themselves that women automatically pick on all their insecurities and ignore the interesting parts of their personality. Even worse, these men feel that this is acceptable because of how they view themselves.
Of course, in the end, it gets better. With age comes experience, and over time you learn from your earlier mistakes and emerge as a wiser and stronger man.
As something we express in our blog. Self-Confidence in yourself is the most important aspect of attraction in general. Looks for women (most of the time) don’t really matter, it’s more of your pal determination, how secure you are and decisiveness plays a big part. In my experience most of the women I have dated were all beautiful and stunning but I’ve had this sense of deserving them and it’s worked out that way. Feel as you deserve them and you will be in. Although, if you have deep seeded issues you definitely have to take care of those first… Read more »
In high school (1958-1961) I was dating a very pretty girl. Things were going well (so I thought for those times), and one day she said “If you had the chance, would you go to bed with me?”. In my virginal mind, I thought my dreams had come true – an offer I couldn’t refuse – so I said “yes”. After that, no more dates, but she would stop by the house and we would talk – she in her car, me standing outside. We never discussed the sex issue again. Many years later, I have two thoughts about what… Read more »
“Honestly think about it: If you can’t even believe that you are attractive, how can you see others viewings you as so? ”
And the other way around, how do I see myself as attractive if others really don’t see me, at all?
“Men who have these self-confidence issues are more likely to be promiscuous”..
… If others dont find you attractive, how promiscuous can you really be??
Exactly, Kal. I had another comment but it was lost in the ether. Basically it was that I embraced my unattractiveness and became happier for it. I don’t hate women, and I’m not damaged. I have all the self-confidence I need. Women are not the answer to any of a man’s problems.
This applies to men who fall in love with men, too…