Want great sex? Let Paul Nelson debunk some myths for you.
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The kind of sex most of us want is not exactly natural. If we look at sex in nature around us, it’s rarely attractive or something worth emulating. It usually involves males of the species fighting each other over a female, then the winning male forces the female to have sex with him. No, natural sex is not really what we want.
If something is important to us, we generally try to learn about it. If we make a major purchase like a house or a car, most people do research. If we have a hobby, we talk about it, we read about it. Sports fans usually know a lot about how the game is played, their favorite players, their favorite team, where they are in the standings.
Most people would say that sex is important, yet most people rarely invest much time or energy into actually studying and learning about sex. Many people don’t want to admit (even to themselves) that they might not know everything about sex.
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Sorting out truth from fact can take some effort. Here are seven of the most common misconceptions most people have about sex.
Lie #1: There are Rules for Good Sex
When it comes to sex, it makes sense that there should be rules. After all, sex is complicated. Rules seem like a great solution. The problem with rules is that, while they can make sex seem safer and more predictable, they eventually lead to frustration, stress and boredom. Sex rules lock you in to a set pattern of behavior, response, arousal, activity and climax.
Sex is a journey; a unique experience created by two people in the moment. Make it up as you go. Everything is optional (except consent)—even intercourse, even orgasm! Sex can be a massage. Sex can be kink. Sex can be mutual masturbation. Sex can be a quick grope and a giggle. Sex can be strategically placed sex toys controlled from across a crowded room. There are no rules for good or bad sex.
There are no rules to what sex looks like. Ignore every sex rule you’ve ever heard. Forget what you think sex is supposed to be. The only rules are the rules that apply to life: Play nicely!
Lie #2: He’s Responsible for Sex
This lie is told in movies, porn, popular culture, music, books and even unwittingly reinforced by many in the sexuality education world. If sex is great, he can take the credit; if it’s bad, he’s to blame.
The pressure on men to live up to this lie is almost always what causes sexual dysfunction in younger men. Sex stops becoming play and becomes a performance; judged like the Olympics. If he doesn’t deliver innumerable earth-shattering orgasms, he is a failure.
The truth is, everyone is responsible for his/her own good time; you ask for what you need and your partner delights in giving it to you. Women are responsible for their own orgasms—guys just help them get there! Same thing goes for the guys. Everyone has the responsibility to ask for exactly what they want!
No one has to guess, figure out, pretend, or make it up anymore. Sex now becomes a wonderful playtime of give and take and sharing. One of the greatest gifts one human can give another is the space to express who he/she is sexually! Sex is no longer his job. It is their play!
Lie #3: Her Vagina = His Penis
“Boys have penises, girls have vaginas!” It’s usually the first thing taught we first teach children about sex. It seems like a logical place to start. But unfortunately, a penis does not equal a vagina. A vagina is for making babies; a clitoris is for having sex. We should be saying, “Boys have penises, girls have clitorises.”
Yes, men are hardwired by biology to place their seed in the vagina in order to procreate. But unless you are trying to make a baby, stop the obsession with procreative sex and focus on great sex!
On a man’s body, the testes are all about babies. Guys usually admit that like to have their balls played with—it’s great! But they all agree, they won’t orgasm from it. And most women won’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse.
While guys may initially focus on the vagina as young, inexperienced lovers, as they mature, they discover that becoming an explorer of a woman’s body is a lot more rewarding than playing the role of the inseminator.
Lie #4: Real Sex is Intercourse
Far too often we hear references to foreplay and sex being different things. This implies that oral sex, massage, nibbling, licking, and naked play are just a warm-up for the REAL sex of intercourse.
What makes something ‘real sex’? Masturbation is sex. Making out is sex. Spanking is sex. Strip tease is sex. Dry humping is sex. You can have sex naked. You can have sex clothed. Some people claim to have had sex only with their eyes. You can have sex alone, with one person, or many people. Sex is any stimulation with erotic intent; sex is body play.
The real damage of believing this lie is that it limits the connecting, intimate, erotic activity of non-penetrative sex as merely a vehicle to get the partner warmed up enough to screw. This lie denies the validity of every other sexual expression. It diminishes that experience of pleasure. It negates your sexual experience if you never really arrived at intercourse.
When anyone’s erotic sexual expression is not validated as real sex, people will be marginalized based on what they do or don’t do in bed.
Let’s embrace all activity with erotic intent as worthwhile sex! It may be erotic touch, erotic eating, erotic dance, erotic talk—erotic anything! And let it be fun, fulfilling, and freely accepted as real sex.
Lie #5: It’s All About the Big ‘O’
She has her orgasm, now you can take care of yourself. Done! You’ve just had great sex, right? Maybe. Maybe not.
Partners can do what they want and agree to during sex and, at times, trading orgasms may be just the right thing to do. But when this becomes the framework for sex, orgasm is reduced to a currency exchange. I give you one. You give me one. As long as we’re even, that’s all that matters.
But most great lovers will tell you that the orgasm is not the important part. The journey is the reward. Unfettered, unrestrained play is what it’s all about. Relating to each other, connecting, giving, taking, and sharing, result in an emotional and endorphin euphoria that often exceeds the rush of orgasm. One couple told me that when they engage in this kind of sex, the orgasm is like dessert—it’s the sweet end of a wonderful meal, but it’s not the main course.
Think about making the journey to an orgasm the goal in itself—not merely the means to a breathless end!
Lie #6: Sex Looks Like Porn
For any guy coming of age during the internet era, porn has been a ubiquitous presence. Unfortunately for countless men, porn is where they learned about sex.
Porn features people with larger-than-life physiques; the women have huge breasts, the men have enormous penises. Most young men I talk to admit that when they are having sex, they sometimes try to re-enact what they’ve seen in porn. Porn is also all about the money shot. I do warn young men that, contrary to what they may see in porn, most women do not want to end up with a face covered in semen.
I talk to a lot of porn stars. First off, most of the guys are not as big as they say. I had one guy whose claim to fame was his 11” penis. He confided that it was much closer to 8”—still really big, but, as he said, who is going to measure it? Most porn actors now use penile injections to give them an erection that lasts for hours.
When this guy has sex at home? It is nothing like the sex he has on the set. For most people, great sex does not look like porn. I tell guys all the time that if you recorded real, normal people having great sex, you often wouldn’t see that much.
Lie # 7: Erection = Arousal
Erection and arousal are used interchangeably, even by people who know better! They are two different things entirely. Many men are highly aroused and have no erections. Every guy knows that morning wood is rarely a sign of arousal. Yet, for some reason, we insist on proving our desires, libido, love, and virility by whether or not we have an erection at the appropriate time.
Every guy knows there are times when the penis simply will not cooperate. It happens to every guy at some point. It’s usually not that big a deal, but trouble occurs when a couple starts to have sex and the partner sees that there is no giant boner and thinks, “If he’s not erect, it must be me. I’m not hot enough. He’s not that into me. I don’t turn him on.” The list goes on and on.
If the partner says something, the guy is usually embarrassed and humiliated. How can a guy prove he is turned on, desires someone, thinks they are hot, if he does not have the trademark hard-on to prove it! It is a horrible position to put someone in.
His body is just not cooperating. This often happens with young guys when they have been drinking and the dreaded whiskey dick makes its appearance. It can happen because a guy is trying too hard to please or impress his partner. There are a million reasons.
This lie is harmful when we don’t acknowledge that sometimes an erection just isn’t going to happen. He can be aroused, he can be turned on, and he can desperately want to have sex. If he doesn’t happen to get an erection, it does not have to mean a thing!
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Phot0—Infrogmation of New Orleans/Flickr
Paul! Are you familiar with “Make Love, Not Porn?” It targets the issue you brought up about porn not being anything like real sex. Check it out, an amazing initiative.
Stop spreading it around that we don’t orgasm from direct intercourse! It’s a total turn off to me when a guy starts talking about how many great things he can do to me with his tongue right off the bat.. Yes That’s just me, everyone is different. Yes, there are many other ways to bring woman to climax but never discount the good ‘ol boy doing what it was designed for. Just as you are wired for the desire to stick it in something, I’m wired to get fill the empty space :x. If you want to educate men and… Read more »
BTW, young woman are also under an illusion that our bodies are suppose to react right away and are led to believe we are lacking if it takes us a while to get there. This is no longer a problem as i get older ,but I wish I’d known it back then.
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Fred, I love your point!
I remember several occasions when I heard that dialogue that we’re taught, “females don’t like it and makes have to force it after showing their worth.” It never sat right with me, in my mind. I’ve noticed the same kind of friendly flirtation. Glad to know its not my delusion/refusal to accept this narrative!
I have to challenge your assumptions about the mating protocols of animals. You say, “It usually involves males of the species fighting each other over a female, then the winning male forces the female to have sex with him.” Having grown up on a farm and spent a lot of time in the wilds, male animals do NOT force females to have sex. In fact, without her full cooperation, the sex act is impossible. She can and does refuse a male she doesn’t care for and he has no alternative but to let it go. She simply won’t stand and… Read more »