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If you are (or were) married to a narcissist, then you may be familiar with the term, “gaslighting.” It is the narcissist’s masterful manipulation technique to gain control over you. As your relationship begins to weaken, he carefully causes you slight anxiety or confusion. But as the relationship worsens, he punitively devalues you, and you thereby question your mental sanity. Extreme or long term gaslighting can ultimately lead you to having a distorted sense of reality—not knowing who is right or wrong, feeling guilty for being the person you are, and losing any remaining self-confidence.
Gaslighting is an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse, as it causes the narcissist’s victim to question her judgment, on even the smallest issues, thereby making her dependent of him. If, for example, she is repeatedly told that she is bad with money, she will begin to believe it, and think that without her narcissist by her side, she will be financially ruined.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight,’ where a young woman named Paula falls madly in love with her suitor, Gregory. After an intense romance that led to marriage, Gregory begins to display pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to Paula’s insanity. In one scene, Gregory tampers with the gas light in the attic, causing the house lights to dim. When Paula mentions hearing footsteps in the attic and the lights dimming, Gregory tells her it’s completely her imagination, making Paula question her judgment. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly messes with your head.
Depending on the stage of your narcissistic relationship, gaslighting at first appears to be subtle, but then gradually worsens. Below are the signs you are a victim of gaslighting, in order in which they may occur. This list illustrates that as the relationship declines, so does your mental clarity and grasp of reality and truth.
1) You become addicted to his grandiosity
And because you likely had low self-esteem before you met him, the joy you feel can only occur when you are with him, thus making you dependent on him.
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When your whirlwind romance is at its peak, you have intense feelings of euphoria—you are almost in a drunken dance with his charm and abundant attention. Your brain releases endorphins, sending you in a complete state of intoxication. And because you likely had low self-esteem before you met him, the joy you feel can only occur when you are with him, thus making you dependent on him. Before you know it, you are addicted to your narcissist.
2) You see red flags but you can’t pinpoint the problem
As your narcissist becomes bored with you, his attention begins to dwindle and he searches for new supply. He may discreetly put you down, saying you’re “needy” or “overly sensitive.” His once empathetic affection for you has now turned to apathy, and this sudden change leaves you in a foggy state of confusion. You can’t pinpoint the problem, so you think something is wrong with you, and you do everything you can to fix it.
3) When you no longer have his attention, you actually experience withdrawal
Because you are addicted to him, and no longer getting your “fix,” you experience intense anxiety. Withdrawal from him may lead you to become fixated by his every action, wondering what he is doing, trying to please him, and obsessing on how to save the relationship. Your addiction, however, only causes him disgust, despite the fact that he dispensed you the enslaving elixir.
4) You are ignored, then attended to, but then ignored again, so you lower the bar for yourself
While a narcissist may emotionally discard you, he will still keep you around for when supply is low.
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Now that you no longer have your full fix, you will take what you can get. While a narcissist may emotionally discard you, he will still keep you around for when supply is low. So he may give you a glimpse of affection here and there, giving you hope that he is coming back to you. This further declines your self-esteem, however, making you think you are only worth sub par affection.
5) You second guess yourself and question your sanity
To keep you within close reach, he will gaslight your every request. While this seems counter-intuitive, the manipulator is puppeteering you. You may ask him to join you for a dinner party, but rather than simply declining, he will denigrate your friends and even scold you for having an interest in them. But because you are still in love with him, you now question your choices in friends. You withdraw from them in order to please him, and he further reigns in his puppet strings. Slowly, you second guess every choice of yours, making you more dependent of him, which is the narcissist’s ultimate goal.
6) You feel guilty and are always apologizing
As you now second guess yourself, anything you do to repair the relationship feels like a mistake. If your narcissist is threatened by you experimenting with a new approach, he may experience narcissistic injury, erupting into an extreme rage or placating you with deafening silence. So you apologize, retreat, and feel bad for trying something new. Unable to move, you walk on egg shells, now feeling captive by your abuser. You fantasize about breaking free, but you feel hostage due to his masterful gaslighting.
7) When you mention divorce, he will retreat into victim mode
When you mention divorce, he will stab at your ability to function as a human being and insist you could never get by without him.
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Now that you have tried everything but failed, you want to give up and end the marriage. But when you mention divorce, he will stab at your ability to function as a human being and insist you could never get by without him. Rather than taking responsibility for his actions, he will blame you for a multitude of infractions: you don’t want to have sex, you want too much sex, you’re lazy, you’re fat, you’re insane, you’re unstable, and you should be LUCKY that he has stuck around to support you. After all, no one else would ever tolerate you but him. Now you’re giving up, how could you do such a thing, how could you do that to the children, how could you do that to him, you are so selfish. And because your sense of reality is so distorted at this point, you actually feel bad for him, so you stay.
And so the cycle continues.
If you are victim of gaslighting, you must remember why your narcissist does this. Their distorted sense of self, and their fear of being exposed that they are no longer truly special, gives them the ammo to play ultimate mind games. You aren’t the problem—they are. Do not succumb to his manipulation—you are worthy of love and safety, and a narcissist’s gaslighting will only prevent you from realizing it. You must break free before your sanity is ultimately compromised.
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This article originally appeared on Divorced Moms.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
Why is this written in him abusing her language. It’s 2018, women are the new men lol. I just got out of a relationship being gaslighted by a girl I thought I loved, the fact I didn’t enforce the boundaries I drew correctly and my emotional stance at the time I felt stuck with no where to go, that led me to distorted thinking and allowed her to become the “victim” in this feminist system her plan worked perfectly and i literally lost everything, even much of my future.
Can’t we all get along?! LMFAO This is a real form of abuse. My son recently came to me for advice regarding this very subject. His fiancée is making all the subtle comments, making him think that he is forgetting where he places things, etc. He has recently lost his job because he has been late to work on more than one occasion. He made sure with more that one type of an alarm that he would not be late. He that something was wrong with his phone and got a new one. Same thing happened after about a week.… Read more »
Gaslighting kills a person from the inside out.
Lost all credibility with “HIS GASLIGHTING.” Maybe you should do an article on social engineering, hypocrisy, and double standards without attacking white men only(because that is what you all really think). Oh wait, I have a penis so I can’t be “equal” can I when discussing reality? I am a toxic male for calling the bullshit out. You want equality, then start thinking that way in thoughts and behaviors instead of hiding behind “movements” to justify your own bigot ways.
Where did the writer say white male?Get off your computer and go see a therapist. It’s obvious you have a lot of anger issues and trouble with women. Take your rude tactless opinions and white male female hating rage out of here.
Well…. like how most articles pieces are layed out similiar to a paper headline news article with a photo attached across the top to envision the basis of its topic.
Which indeed clealry has a photo of a white male…
And then the entire article refers the narcissist as “he”.
Sadly the attempt to white wash this garbage with the editors note adds a Capital FAIL to the entirety of it..
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I hope you have a good shrink to help you see past the bitterness that has clouded your vision. To get offended by a photo and a word is a sign of someone with lots of damage. Good luck fixing that or a good woman will run from you.
Amen!
I agree. I have every symptom above in my current relationship, and I’m a male dating a women, and she’s playing these games with me.
I guess you men missed the part where the author states she used the pronoun “he” but that narcissists can be male or female. Learn to read guys before jumping down someone’s throat. You missed the entire point of the article because you were hung up on one word. You have a very long way to go towards healing if you are going to attack every woman. Just as you said all men are not narcissists, not all women are your narcissist ex so chill out, bro.
Well spoken!!!!
Destroyed by lies. No where to go from here.
Yep. Makes me feel like a dog thrown to the curb.
The only dogs are them, not us.
Only way to go is up when you are at your emotional rock bottom. It does get better.
what a load of horsesit
The fact that you cannot even spell horse shit is horse shit. Learn to spell before you attempt to insult someone or else you just make yourself look like an ever bigger fool. I’m guessing you are a narc. Buzz off, troll.
Women do this to men too, I know.
I just found out about this behavior from my counselor. Thinking there was something wrong with me; getting this in and out for years now….I just understood after reading this article that my wife has been doing this to me for the longest time. I am losing it….
they certainly do and better too – that is why so many men get screwed become narcissist themselves and pass the poison
how did you break away?
I am glad the author mentioned that women also do these manipulative behaviors with their men being the victims. I lived through this for 25 years. I believe it is sometimes “learned behavior” because I witnessed her mother belittling her dad often. In fact, I once heard him say – “I believe you could find fault with Jesus Christ.”
oh my god – what a classic line “I believe you could find fault with Jesus Christ”
incredible
This is my life.
a friend of mine just told me this term and this was the link i clicked when i typed it in on google. i can’t believe how accurate this is, but idk how to leave. i am 100% dependent on him and when he hurts me i fight back and he always tries to convince me that i hit first and calls me a dumb cunt and threatens to call the cops on me, especially if i try to take the car he bought me but we live in the middle of nowhere. i can’t just walk and i don’t… Read more »
he also makes me feel bad about my appearance. i am transmasculine, i have short hair and wear a binder, but i’m a size g so even with the binder i still look like a d, and don’t like traditional boy/girl sex. which i didn’t know when we got together, i just realized this a few months ago. we got together in high school, we lost our virginity to each other. i thought sex was supposed to be uncomfortable, its supposed to be for the man’s pleasure and for procreation. that’s what my dad and church always taught. but it’s… Read more »
Hey Brit I you don’t Iike sex with him he is probably really bad in bed. It’s not supposed to hurt unless his dick is over 8 inches and he is careless tearing your vag in half. Or he could have an average one and just be awful. Here’s a good way of testing. If you’re dry while he strokes he sucks. If you’re bedsheets are wet in the spot where your butt is while you’re laying in your back he has the bomb dk!
Wowee! You my fair lady are in a pickle!
Thank you for this article. I believe that it’s also possible to become collateral damage of a “gaslighter”. In my case my partners son in law has been doing this to her daughter for years. He seems to want to work on my partner now by casting doubts and untruths about me with the aim of getting her property for the daughter and himself. It has nearly ruined my relationship with my partner. This and other articles on the topic have made clear the purpose of comments and actions that have never made sense to me before.
my wife …….
Careful with the pronouns….men are also victims of gaslighting
I am so confused I don’t know which way is up. I’m pretty sure I’m being gaslighted but he is constantly accusing me of that very thing. Is this normal?
For the posters writing about “gender bias”, it’s a valid point, and I’d ask all to consider the following: I was married to a woman suffering from borderline personality disorder. During my 6 year marriage, constantly trying to understand what was going on, my research led me to read a lot of articles on Narcissistic personality disorder. I could, and still do, relate a good percentage narcissistic behavioral traits to the behaviors my ex-wife exhibited. What I see is that we generally label women as Borderlines, and men as Narcissists. I just think that the differences between the sexes can… Read more »
Jon, I was married to a BPD lady for 25 years. As we country folk say, I have been “rode hard and put up wet”.
I have been away from her since 1994 and legally divorced since 2000. I finally began to see just how sick she was around 2006. These folks are truly engaging in some “heavy duty psychological warfare”.
Statistically speaking, men make up 3 quarters of those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, so yes, it is mostly correct to refer to narcissists as “he”
3/4, statistically speaking does not make it “mostly correct” (whatever that means) to skep the whole article by inappropriately using hard-coded pronouns. Especially when no studies are referenced stating that and explaining why it is 100% he as the narcissist and 100% she as the victim.
Sounds like my wife….once she had our daughter her true colors came out.
Have now been out of the relationship for 6 months and question myself still after seven years of emotional torture, now I can put some logic to help diffuse the constant questioning of myself. It took everything I had to fight and believe in myself and already am improving in spirit and state of mind, is frightening to realise how easy someone else can manipulate another and I have learnt a very strengthening lesson! !
Hi YES you are right on the money. I am so glad I found this article and many bothers so I could read to him what I was experiencing without directly putting the blame on him. I fully understand and am aware after sixteen years of his bull_____!. HE is the one who made me get over him cause I busted his game! The ironic thing is hen he played the victim and was getting ready to leave, I was calm, and focused and for once STRONG. I told him that ” I’m NOT the one who made you leave”… Read more »
Yeah, thank God I only rely on me now.
Another article using “Him”. Woman can be gaslighters just as much as men can.
Good men project? Sounds sexist. As if only men are sick and abusive. I hope this is not a sugar, spice and everything nice projection of a myth. My Mother, her mother and my dad’s mother were very expert at gaslighting. They hated men and took it out on my brothers and I molesting us before age five and after that age. Women molest children!! It is a fact!! Not rare!! Yea I see the man hate and female chauvinism. I also see some attitude that only men do bad things. That is also a form of gaslighting.
Your very right. Women make up 48% of sex offenders. It’s hard to prosecute them because courts and society don’t like to acknowledge that women sexually assault children. You may want to consult a sex offender treatment therapist just to discuss this form of child abuse. They can give you a lot of information and affirm your experience. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope that if your mother has contact with other children that you contact your child Protective Services Department in your area to report this. They will believe you. As a former Child Protective supervisor… Read more »
I con concur ron, my wife and all the females on her side practice this abuse
Peter, I believe it runs in families. wife’s mother, her mother’s mother and mother’s sister all exhibited this behavior. Also the wife’s sister and the sister’s only daughter exhibited this behavior. I think there is a hereditary component like BPD.
It act says at the top about the ‘he’
An italicized sidebar mentioning that women can gaslight as well doesn’t undo the slant of the whole article. It could easily have been written without the gender bias.
Amen to that. As a man who has gone thru this its truly tiresome to constantly hear only men constantly picked out like this. Its the mtv ‘Hey White Guys’ deal all over again. It makes it even MORE difficult to get help. And believe me, when your a man and you go looking for help with stuff like this you have an uphill battle ahead of you.
Um I think I may have experienced some of this by way of. My unresolved issues I might actually be a gas lighter how do I stop reaKing havoc what is worse is I have actually been targeted and can’t figure out if I was a targeted to push my limits
I am so impressed you have this insight about yourself and are saying you want to make a change. You are the type of person that can benefit from seeing a therapist to help you make this change. This post says so much about you being aware of your own behaviors and how they are negatively affecting others. Make sure the therapist knows you want to change gaslighting behaviors. You want to know if you are narcissistic or what your personality is which will determine how treatment will be designed. Good for you at recognizing this!
Then, some of us are accused of gas lighting by certifiable masters of manipulation -reverse gas lighting I guess. I had a volunteer for awhile who was the biggest emo-psycho drain. And incompetent to boot. When she’d text to say she wasn’t coming in a given day, I’d breathe a sigh of relief. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked her to leave. I really felt bad about firing a volunteer. But even that wasn’t enough tho, I had to ban her from the property, and forbid her from ever contacting me again (she’d text me 20 times a… Read more »
I do think these people can be violent. My wife threatened me with a gun and with knives.
So is gas lighting behavioral? a learned coping skill? Does the the person even realize that they are doing it? What happens when a ‘narcissist’ is confronted with what they are doing?
A narcissist cannot face they are not 100% perfect. When confronted they will make you feel your the crazy one. They really can’t see they are not 100% pertfect and one cannot bring them out of denial. All advice I have gotten is: once you see a person is a narcissist, leave and don’t come back, end all communication. One won’t win.
Gaslighting is really a thing, a thing I have experienced, but I think this article is much too vague. And also seems to paint things in black or white, whereas in reality there can exist gaslighting within even a mostly-healthy relationship. It isn’t always a symptom of full-blown narcissism. People gaslight out of fear of losing the other person or simply to get their way. It is worth being cognizant of but not necessarily a dealbreaker or abuse. In most cases I have seen gaslighting used when one person doesn’t want to deal with their partner’s emotions, for whatever reason,… Read more »
Here’s an example from my life. I was asking a former professor for a letter of recommendation to law school. Somehow the conversation drifted around to him and his wife, and he began complaining about “long and frequent periods of celibacy.” I was a virgin, totally uncomfortable hearing this from my 60-something professor while alone with him at his house at night being plied with wine…but I didn’t want to offend him, so I said “I can relate.” (He didn’t know I was a virgin, so this was a private joke.) Anyway, he takes this as a green light to… Read more »
I should add that the dude was a professor of rhetoric, so I really should have seen it coming. I think I was humiliated that (a) he thought so little of me as to assume I’d have forgotten all the things he’d taught us in class about how to “persuade” someone to your own point of view even when you have a shitty case…and (b) that I’d thought he liked me well enough never to do that sort of thing to me. It was horrible, guys. I honestly thought this was a nice guy and couldn’t understand why he was… Read more »
Good for you honey to get that off your chest and confront the issue ♡♡ usually a waste of time for those kind, but good to call him on it …..what a slimeball…..totally inappropriate for the old horn man…..feeding you drink at night at his home !! Don’t let yourself get put in a position like that again !!……I’m not scolding …no, I’ve done this myself and thinking I was a good judge of character……Well, you can NEVER DOWNPLAY men’s hormones or what they will say to get into your pants…..♡♡ Public places these days until you’ve sized the person… Read more »
That wasn’t sexual harassment idiot. He was hitting on you. Which is PERFECTLY LEGAL. Get real.
Creepy. I’d watch for this behavior in yourself, lest you engage in it in the future if you haven’t already. While it’s true it wasn’t likely illegal since it was their former professor, your reaction lacked context and you chose to spin the spyglass around to insult them instead. That former professor acted unprofessionally and immorally, if we’re recognizing the sanctity of his marriage, a stance that no one practicing reasoning or sound logic could contest. He was grooming the original commenter and he knew it. This was confirmed by his finger-pointing in the follow-up conversation. An empathetic human would… Read more »
Im always amazed how much stupid you run into online. You are a prime example. You are not even worth a rebuttal.
No sir, YOU are not worthy of a rebuttal. This professor was innappropirate and she FELT sexually harassed – who the hell are you to tell her what she did or didn’t feel and whether she’s wrong or right? ..sounds to me like YOU are a gaslighter. How would you feel if your daughter had a teacher that asked her if she ‘mastrubated’ and whispered in her ear that he ‘loved’ her – that would be OK with you? Get a clue bud!
She was pointing out her own experience with a narcissist professor who was blatantly trying to get in her pants. I find your comment insulting since this person was obviously put in a position of her teacher. Shame on you and your precept of thinking this woman should not have made her disposition. It’s fools like you that have no idea the kind of turmoil this causes unless you are a narcissist yourself. From what you posted, if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, it must be a duck. Do something useful and volunteer at a rape… Read more »
It is sexual harassment- this was her professor and she should have reported this slime ball to the school and his wife. Sexual harassment is illegal you loser.
First, you went to his home AFTER going to him in private and him talking about that without you stopping him AKA WRONG SIGNAL, then accepted alcohol in his home enough to get drunk WRONG SIGNAL, then wait FOUR YEARS to contact him. Your whole story sounds like total and utter BS lady. YOU made those mistakes, put off the wrong signals then complained about it afterwards. You go to a mans house after he talks about that sorta thing an what do you expect to happen? And there’s a big ass chunk of story missing here that I’m guessing… Read more »
Love doesn’t tell the other their crazy….maybe irrational, but crazy is a huge no no….