When your partner uses menopause as the reason for diminished desire consider it your wake up call to something more serious…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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I recently visited a dear friend of mine in the mid-West. On all outward appearances he is happily married with two incredible teenage children and an attractive wife in her early 40’s. For fun I gave him some of my “secret” pheromone cologne to see how his wife would respond. After two doses he finally admitted that she didn’t even notice. He then went on to explain that his wife has been exhibiting much lower desire for sex lately because she said she’s going through menopause. However, I suspected that was something more going on here than what was meeting the eye.
(Author’s Note: the following is based upon observations made by myself and my partner who happens to be post-menopausal. I am not a therapist, and any implied generalizations are really just my opinions based upon my personal experience –your mileage may vary. And, as always, there are exceptions to everything.)
Why Menopause Is a Lame Excuse
When I shared this exchange with my Partner (who is post-menopausal), she matter-of-factly said “Oh, women just use that as an excuse –I used to say that to my former husband all the time if I didn’t want to have sex with him.” Apparently, as women age, saying to their partner: “Not tonight Honey, I’m going through menopause.” is the preferable post-child-bearing years “I have a headache.” excuse. Let’s face it, what guy in his right mind will argue with a partner that is going through the ravages of menopause? That is clearly a losing proposition.
Let’s face it, what guy in his right mind will argue with a partner that is going through the ravages of menopause?
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My Partner went on to explain that menopause did indeed impact how she wanted to have sex, not necessarily how much of it she wanted. Intercourse for most women during and after menopause can be uncomfortable, if not downright painful. There are several factors at play here. First of all, vaginal dryness typically associated with menopause can cause great discomfort during traditional intercourse. And, add on top of that a British university study which indicates that most women of any age are not all that into intercourse to begin with. This can be inferred from their research showing approximately 87% of all women (regardless of age) “moan” or vocalize during intercourse to: a) boost their man’s self-image as a lover, and b) speed things up (i.e. “Let’s get it over with already.”)
Also, based upon my own observations, a majority of women hesitate to authentically tell their partner what they really want in the bedroom. This is out of fear that the man will become hurt, angry and ultimately abandon them. Now you can see why menopause is the perfect inarguable excuse to avoid physical intimacy between long term couples. Yet, it simply doesn’t have to be that way at all.
Sexual Desire vs. Expression
In previous articles and numerous interviews I have shared how desire and expression (i.e. how that desire is manifested) are two completely different things, particularly as women age.
Physiologically speaking, intercourse is typically not the most pleasurable way most women can experience sex. Direct clitoral stimulation almost always trumps penetration. It has been my personal experience and that of others I’ve talked to that desire for physical intimacy in women does not have to diminish with age. However, *how* they want physical intimacy expressed in the bedroom very often does. Yet I’ve seen many men have a hard time understanding that what worked before (i.e. intercourse) is no longer that interesting for their maturing partner. And this disconnect can be the source of major frustration and even eventual marital celibacy or breakup. An all too common occurrence for long-term relationships.
Resignation is Not the Answer – Authenticity Is
When I offered to help my friend, he simply said: “Thanks, but that is just the way it is.” This is clearly a difficult subject for most couples because it is tied to so many primal fears associated with our standard Sexual Operating System. The danger here however is that resignation almost always turns into resentment. And resentment is one of the most powerful corrosives that can eat away at an otherwise beautiful relationship until there is nothing left to save.
And resentment is one of the most powerful corrosives that can eat away at an otherwise beautiful relationship until there is nothing left to save.
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The way out of this almost inevitable conundrum facing most long-term couples is by both parties insisting on authentic communication. The female partner needs to have the courage and fortitude to sincerely express what she wants from her mate with respect to physical intimacy, especially as it changes over time. And likewise, the male partner needs to authentically listen and do his best to comply. Now before too many guys reading this knee-jerk into a “Hey, what about my needs?!” response, know this: When you are able to genuinely please her (i.e. she’s not faking it), you will be one very happy camper. This is very much part of our hard-wiring as men.
So, next time you hear: “Not tonight Honey because I have _____________.”, treat it as an invitation to start an authentic conversation about what she really wants. Chances are she will love and cherish you all that much more because risked doing so.
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Image: DepositPhotos.com
As a woman, my first thought is: This article is dangerous. It’s dangerous because it uses the headline, “Menopause is a Lame Excuse.” The content of the article is accurate, but for anyone skimming it, you don’t want them to walk away thinking the changes that happen to a woman’s body sexually during menopause are not real. They are very real and present life-altering changes to many women. We need more awareness and understanding, not less. Next, I’d like to applaud the underlying tone of the article. Both men and women should think of menopause as a new chapter of… Read more »
You give X H a run for her money. :o)
But women say they dont find male body attractive and thus men feel undesirable physically
Okay –first of all –let’s everyone take a breath. I’m not bashing anyone or gender. I’ve had *many* conversations with *many* post-menopausal women that back up my claim that *some* women use menopause as a way of avoiding intercourse. And in so doing they are not necessarily saying they don’t want physical intimacy — it is often quite the contrary (again, based upon many conversations) – the way they want to express and experience it often does change – and there are studies to back this up which I’ve cited in previous articles. This is really an issue of communication… Read more »
Hi Michael I think you should spend some weeks reading up on women, vaginal dryness ( before and after menopause). It is NOT something that happens to most women, and it varies greatly between different countries because there is also an psychological side to it just like it is for men. . You will learn a lot and see that this happens to women in all age group and not most or all women in menopause and after as you like to think. And maybe focus on what you know something about, and that is not women’s health sexually. How… Read more »
Hi Silke! I stepped away from commenting on GMP for a while. But I still read it daily. One of the reasons I still come here is to read your very level headed, well reasoned, fair, and challenging comments! I do agree with you here. I think Michael has painted with too broad a brush. While I do not know as many many women as he, the ones whom I have spoken to in their 50s and 60s say they still want and desire sexual intercourse. Most who are single simply lack a partner. Many of the ones who are… Read more »
Hi Jules
A warm hug!
I hope you are well.
Hi Silke,
I think the bottom line is that a couple of writers here on GMP have an agenda of pushing “non-intercoursal” lovemaking as the big secret to happiness, reasoning that intercourse is just for the pleasure of men and women really don’t like it anyway.
Flyingkal I have no right to invalidate all those women that tell that they can not orgasm from intercourse. Any man should know things like that,but still it is lots of women that love intercourse as the best and most pleasurable way to have sex. I do not understand why some want to sell this message that women do not like intercourse. But I am for good sex education for all, and a part of this education is that human beings have different preferences about how we like to have sex. That is why it is best to find a… Read more »
Hi SIlke,
I wasn’t even referring to HOW women achieve their orgasms…
This article calling out menopausal women is based upon one couple’s problem and the personal experience of YOUR partner; your partner cannot begin to speak for the millions of women in menopause. For you to make callous, generalized statements based on one woman’s opinion is negligence as a writer. Every single woman experiences menopause differently and lives with different factors which contribute to her overall experience. To state the solution it is a simple as HRT or to lube up, is closed minded and uneducated. Some women cannot take HRT due to medical issues, some women lose their ovaries out… Read more »
OK, as an actual woman going through actual menopause, paying multiple visits to multiple health care providers trying to even out the hormone rollercoaster that is my life right now…you do very much sound like you are making generalizations, as does your wife. Women do not have cookie-cutter responses to peri-menopause or menopause or post-menopause. It is not as easy as just taking hormones, or using lube. Sometimes getting the dosages right can take months, and some of the drugs have side-effects, just like other drugs. For some women, their hormone levels (which involve more than just their ‘female’ hormones,… Read more »
I am with in this . What happens in menopause differs for women and it is not the same. And of course not all countries have free health care and inexpensive medication (if that is needed). I do not believe women are so inhibited that they dare not express themselves and tell their partner about how they change and what they like and what they do not like. And if a woman do not want sex,then that is her right to say no. Michaels wife had to lie to her husband. To write about how women in menopause lie is… Read more »
I dont like this article either. I love full intercourse as much as any guy so the implication that women don’t like it and use menopause as an excuse to avoid it to me is staggeringly way off the mark. Since getting in to my forties I’ve experienced numerous problems hormonally that are impacting my desire to have sex, but that doesn’t mean that when I have it it hurts or I want it differently. I just really have to push myself to actually do it. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to, or that I’m making excuses. I really… Read more »
Hi Michael
You are a man with a mission , a noble mission.
That is good thing,to help men , you have my full support doing that.
But why do you have to drag women down sexually to rise impotent men up?
This time it is women in menopause you describe in weird ways.
OK I know I am harsh,but the way you write about women and their sexualty is deeply disturbing.
it surprises me that you are not able to see it yourself.
This is a perfect teaching moment, Silke. Help us understand what felt “weird” to you as you read the article.
I like to think I’m fairly evolved and empathetic yet I didn’t see anything weird or disrespectful in Michael’s words. This is your chance to help us.
Steve I am not a specialist in the sex life of post menopause women 🙂 But maybe somebody here on GMP should interview a sexologist and write an article about it to help the man that live with women 40+. All I know is that menopause and the time after differs a lot for women. Some have problems and others have none. And if a woman does not lubricate well she can use lub,. Some need it , others do not need to use extra lubrication. It is not a problem. This is 2015 and not the time of our… Read more »
Hormone treatment of any kind is absolutely out for many older women who have had breast cancer, or have a risk due to cancer in the family. I could have screamed with frustration at the sex therapist who talked to us about hormonal patches helping with low libido, before saying, ‘but of course you can’t use this’. Our honest conversations finally lead my wife to come out to me and to herself as a lesbian. So our low-sex marriage has become a no-sex one. But this is not often envisaged as a possible reason for loss of sex-drive or loss… Read more »
Brassyhub
You are not the first man that tell the story of a marriage to a lesbian women.
Guess it also happens that guy men marry.
And it is true that not everyone can use hormones and even for those who can use it there can be serious side effects like for example gall stone that you need to operation later because you used hormones .
I’m with Steve on this one Silke. Would love to hear what you found offensive. If you read this article again carefully you will see it displays nothing but the highest respect and regard for women’s intimate needs.
I don’t know if this is what Silke is referring to but your writing sort of suggests that if a women says no to sex, she’s doesn’t really mean no, you just haven’t figured out what she likes. which I’m fairly sure you didn’t quite mean because i’m sure you realise that women sometimes just dont want sex and thats ok. but it could be seen as a harmful message, especially in todays culture.
You must be blind Michael.
Maybe a more scientific approach next time in stead of shopping around and picking out the studies you like because they seem to support your idea that most women actually prefer no contact with the male penis at all.
The way you argue,and talk about women make me terribly upset .
I can remember earlier articles written by you.
You do the same thing over and over again and it looks like you are unable to see yours self and what you are doing.
“Chances are she will love and cherish you all that much more because risked doing so.”
Or maybe the truth will come out and the wife will finally admit that a) she’s not attracted to the husband anymore and/or b) she has lost all interest in sex and has no desire to get it back.
Buy hey, at least you’ll have had an authentic conversation soon enough that you can get out of the hapless, sexless marriage while you’re still young.
There’s a lot of wisdom in what you just shared –painful, but I believe to be true for some situations.