A committed relationship allows for sexual transformation.
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Yes, older people still have sex. Why? Because they think they are younger than they really are and for the same reasons young people do – it feels good. This is not the only reason but it’s a good one in my books. Sex is not for baby-making anymore unless you’re with a younger woman. That happened to my buddy which shows . . . just because you are older doesn’t mean you are wiser.
If you believe the Viagra and Cialis advertising, once your hair is grey it is impossible to perform without drugs. Interesting, all the older guys I know perform, have a high libido and want more sex than they are getting. Now I know erectile dysfunction is real and affects more men as they get older, I see it in my practice, but not with my friends. It could be that they are not telling me the truth or they are a bunch of horny old goats. I like the old goat theory.
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One of the reasons men get married, or live in a long-term committed relationship, is to have easy access to sex. That may be one reason, but it is such a limited and miserly reason to be in a relationship. It is a benefit, or should I say, a potential benefit. The majority
It is almost impossible to fathom the obsessive thoughts and single-minded focus I had on women when young.
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of men I have known the last forty years get far less sex than they would like, at whatever age. That it is not to say that some men don’t get it a lot – I know a few of those guys, but generally, that is not how it is.
This is a two-way street. I hear many women complaining about not getting enough sex. Typically, this story comes from women who have partners in their mid-forties and older. However, I am hearing younger woman with the same complaint. This seems to be due to our long work hours and crazy schedules. Now add in some kids and see how this affects romantic time.
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Nonetheless, there are many benefits to being in a long-term committed relationship (as opposed to being single):
1) You live longer
2) You are happier (at least men are)
3) You are healthier
4) You get more sex (even if not as much as you would like)
These are some of the benefits as identified by the Canadian and American Census Bureaus. Here are some other benefits that I have experienced and carry as much, if not more, weight:
1) I am less anxious knowing that someone I love, loves me.
2) I feel more grounded knowing I have a partner in life
3) I don’t have to keep looking for a mate (stressful and time consuming)
4) I grow in ways I had never even conceived
5) I get the joy of seeing my partner grow over time
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But what about sex? It is almost impossible to fathom the obsessive thoughts and single-minded focus I had on women when young. I felt like an old man by the time I finally had intercourse with a woman. I was twenty with a lot of pent up sexual energy to divest.
In such a maelstrom the self is obliterated and absorbed into a cosmic oneness – transformed.
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And divest I did once I got started. Sex was about physical relief. The drive was powerful and when making-out my focus was on the physical aspects, whether it was a one night stand or a long-term relationship. The emotional aspects of the relationship occured outside of the sexual act. At this point, need and want were the same thing.
In my thirties, I experienced the spiritual aspect of sex. It was shocking. I had been tuned into the exquisite sensuality of my body during sex but this was the first time I experienced an expanded sense of myself. I had previously felt the dissolution of self that psychologists refer to as a collapse of ego boundaries and the French call la petite mort or the little death that can occur during a powerful climax. But it was more than that. It was a re-birthing of sorts. A collapse and explosive expansion, like a star that first falls into itself, then explodes outwards sending a shock wave into the universe. In such a maelstrom the self is obliterated and absorbed into a cosmic oneness – transformed.
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Up to that point in my life the longest relationship I had lasted three years. I was a serial monogamist (sounds a little kinky) with short bouts of bachelorhood in between serious relationships.
This long-term committed relationship allows me to relax into my sexuality such that I can differentiate between need and want.
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I came to realize that the quality of sex – note, I am actually thinking of quality not just quantity – was dependent on many factors, not the least of which was the chemistry between me and my partner. And chemistry can change over time unless the ingredients that make for a strong reaction are replenished.
By my mid-forties, I had been in relationships where sex was like brushing your teeth and happened every day, and in ones where I had to beg for it and was about as frequent as buying a new car – not often. In all these experiences I was driven by need. The need for sex.
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I have been with my partner for fifteen years – from the age of forty-five to sixty. This is my longest relationship and I expect it to last until death do us part. Sex, and my relationship to sex over these fifteen years, has evolved, as has my relationship to her. This long-term committed relationship allows me to relax into my sexuality such that I can differentiate between need and want.
My partner has rarely refused me when I “needed” sex (this goes both ways and I have rarely refused her, though I have) and this gives me the opportunity to 1) relax and experience my real sexual needs and 2) create an environment of openness regarding sex. We talk about sex. How much, how, when and where. We are both exploring our changing bodies and opening up to new ways of engaging both in bed and out. It is a living relationship.
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We are both busy with work and have conflicting schedules for part of the week. Yet, we make a point of finding time for sex. Both of us get a little weird if we go too long without it (that’s the need).
As excited as I am about this change, it is also a little scary.
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Sex for me is now not so much about the physical release, which is great, but about taking the time to connect in an intimate physical way (the want). We have other ways of being intimate, but connecting with our bodies is different and special for both of us.
We are not having the crazy sex we had when we first met. Our long-distance relationship kept us in an extended state of hyper-arousal and when we moved in together, the quantity decreased immediately. I was surprised. Over time we established a rhythm that worked for both of us.
Each year I feel my love increase for my partner, and recently she has decided to become more creative in our sexual relationship, and is buying books on Tantra. As excited as I am about this change, it is also a little scary. What will be the demand on me in this process? As I have come to determine my needs and wants, so has my partner – and they are changing.
Photo: CGP Grey/Flickr
I don’t know why a woman would want to be a means to a man’s end and why women are dumb enough to convince themselves that this isn’t the case. “he looooves me” No he doesn’t, he loves what you do for him. Men don’t “need” sex. they need ejaculation. Women are no more important to a man than his right hand is. don’t fool yourself. Men need sex like a need chocolate icecream. I know better than to confuse chocolate icecream with food that keeps me alive. Men seem to have a hard time differentiating between sex and ejaculation.… Read more »
Perhaps, my dear, men simply don’t love you. Though, it’s difficult for me to imagine why.
All I can say is that I am jealous. We’re in our 60s, married 34 years. And talk about sex is as far as we get. My wife’s desire is at zero, and in any case, a year ago, much pressed, she came to the conclusion that her real attractions were to her own sex. So you well express the ideal that I long for, but will probably never know, if I stay in a relationship which is excellent in every way but the sexual…
That sounds like many many years of dishonesty from her and cheating you of a sex life.
I am interested in the evolution you describe of what is important in sex at different stages of life. And if there is social proscription about how women should view themselves in relation to sex, I think it is probably worse for men. The vast majority of representations of sex correspond to that very early understanding of it. The one that is so identified with hormones and animal instincts. Being driven by the drive. It seems, predominantly, to be the definition of sex that is most represented, and therefore the one that we feel we should have. We’re still labouring… Read more »
Getting some interesting personal contacts discussing how aging affects sexual response. What is your experience? Love to hear from you either here in the comments section or privately via email.