When the love is gone but the sex remains, the magic is missing and it feels like … um …
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The first time the ex-y returned my passionate gaze with the what’s-taking-so-long look, I knew we were not connecting. My arousal died in that moment. She had already had her orgasm. So I was okay with not having one myself. But … It was a shocking moment for me. Like waking up in your marriage to discover she never really enjoyed sex that much anyway. While I don’t think that was the case with the ex-y, the moment we were locked in the throes of a stolen kid-free afternoon and I detected boredom in her eyes I was toast. I didn’t care about finishing. We were done. Or… More accurately, she was done.
Having sex is a special event. It can be either casual and recreational.
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In looking for that mix of love and sex it’s important to know what kinds of things turn us on and what kinds of things turn us off. Over time we learn these things about ourselves, and with a partner, we begin to learn them about the JOIN in our lovemaking. That’s where the LOVE is. It’s in having sex with the same person, knowing their ticklish spots, and their erotic zones so you can play their bodies like a nicely tuned guitar. That was my approach, anyway.
Having sex is a special event. It can be either casual and recreational, in which case, perhaps the “caring” and “love” part plays a lesser role. But a recent study on current sexual trends points us the other direction, towards intimacy, for better sex.
The Huffington Post picked up a Glamour story with the title: Hot Sex Includes Trust For 87 Percent Of Women, Says Survey. An interesting point, however, is that MEN actually reported higher scores on wanting trust to fuel great sex. “The vast majority of men (95 percent) also agreed that an emotional connection makes a sexual experience more satisfying, and both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” I guess, since it’s a woman’s magazine, the HER angle is more relevant, but the men seem to be catching on. Sex with someone you really want to be with is MUCH better than just sex.
And then there’s that little snippet at the end. “Both genders said they cared more about satisfying their partner than themselves.” UM, what?
♦◊♦
She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex.
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I know this is how I feel. And how I felt on that day, 4 or so years ago, when my then-wife actually had chores or bills on her mind while I was in the process of making, or attempting to make, love to her. There was very little in her thoughts about satisfying me. She was done with her part and was simply waiting for me to finish.
This might have spelled the end more clearly than I understood. She didn’t want sex. She fought about sex. She complained about how I asked for sex. She always got off when we had sex, but she had started not-caring about the LOVE in the experience. And that was a deal-killer, both in the moment and in our marriage.
Sincerely, The Off Parent
@theoffparent
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We welcome your comments and ideas. See the rest of The Off Parent on GMP. Please visit The Off Parent site for more of this man’s four-year rant and recovery from divorce. You can also friend us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.
Note: And at the very moment I saved this post, my phone dings and it shows I have a new email on Match.com. Tigermom333 has sent me an email. And even before I open the message, looking at a postage stamp sized image of her, I can see we are not even close to being a match. And someone might want to clue her in on picking a user name. ACK!
related posts:
- Sex Rules: The Frequency, the Fun, and the Fantasy
- Browsable Women: The Three Hells of Online Dating
- Relationships and Dating Are A Bit Like Space Travel
- Blinding Desire
- Learning About “I Need You” vs. “I Want You”
image: porn shoot advertising, michael mandiberg, creative commons usage
Good point, Elissa. It takes work to keep the sexual love alive. And if one person checks out, there is very little the other person can do.
Also, people grow apart because they do.
There needs to be a will and desire to “work” on staying in love and it needs to be reciprocal. Just working the problem will not help when the desire and will leaves, and it sometimes leaves because people grow apart.
Thank you, Elissa.
There is an abundance of articles, on this site and others, on how relationships with good connections and intimacy requires work, trust, tolerance and vulnerability.
But It’s rarely acknowledged (not pointing at you, OffParent, I think you are an excellent writer!) that these requirements adhere to all involved.
Thank you Joyce. I agree, it takes a lot of work to stay in love, to keep desire for the other person as a priority in one’s life. It’s not automatic. And as we learn that women also have the 7-year itch, we can begin to understand how it’s more of a two-way street. BOTH partners have to keep the love alive.
Thanks for your comment.
it’s nice to read an article that emphasizes the importance of emotional connection and intimacy as the basis of great sex. And the point I would like to add is that the best way to keep the intimate, emotional connection strong is to communicate about everything; every little resentment, every issue that has the potential for blocking the flow of love between two people. The idea that people just fall out of love is ludicrous to me. The flow of love stops when too many unresolved issues pile up between the two people. I like to think of every unresolved… Read more »
Wow..Joyce you hit it perfectly..thank you