Many couples come to my office with the complaint of having a sexless marriage. Both parties are discouraged and frustrated (pun intended). What started out as a sexually fulfilling relationship, over time, dwindles into a legalized friendship.
Couples will state that they had sex four times per day when they first met. They felt that they couldn’t get enough of each other physically. They both cite careers, kids and domestic chores as the obstacles to feeling sexy. After a few years, many women are going to bed at 10pm in flannel pajamas while their husbands are retiring to the master suite at 11pm after watching TV downstairs.
The sexless marriage is very common, and it can be the result of a three-phase process.
Phase I: It’s impossible to feel sexy while emptying the Diaper Genie.
1. Busy careers.
2. Weight gain while pregnant (I packed on 50 big ones with each pregnancy).
3. Babies are still not sleeping through the night.
4. You decided to ‘save money’ by building your 400-piece swing-set by yourself.
Result:
You are too tired for sex. You assume that your spicy and fun sex life will reawaken when the babies finally sleep through the night.
Phase II: The Appearance of Scheduled Sex.
1. Kids’ schedules are hectic.
2. Your sex drive starts to diminish from lack of stimulation (pun intended).
3. You and your husband start developing parallel lives. You go to spin class while he hits the driving range.
4. You start having ‘vacation sex,’ ‘birthday sex,’ and ‘anniversary sex’ instead of having any sense of fun or spontaneity in the bedroom.
Result:
You begin to rationalize that sex is not an important factor in a relationship. You start encouraging your husband to watch porn so that he’ll let you off the hook.
Phase III: The Paranoia Begins.
1. You can’t remember the last time you had sex.
2. You feel old, unattractive, and unsexy.
3. You start to wonder if your husband’s lack of sexual desire is a sign that he is cheating on you. You start to look at younger women with murderous envy.
Result:
There is a painful emptiness and awkwardness in your marriage. You blame yourself for the lack of intimacy, saying that you should have made your husband more of a priority when the kids were little. The emptiness and distance pervades every interaction with your husband. You feel unhappy but you don’t think that divorce is the answer. You feel lost, sad, ugly, and discarded. You assume that everyone you know is feeling satisfied in their marriages, so you don’t talk about the loneliness that you are experiencing.
If you are embarrassed by the lack of passion in your marriage, you are not alone. This issue is extremely common, but you’d never know it. It’s normal to get lost in the shuffle of kids, mortgage payments, soccer games and back to school nights.
How to Reinvigorate Your Marriage
The first phase of reawakening your marriage is to talk openly with your spouse about wanting to make your relationship a priority. Make a conscious decision to reinvest time, energy and resources back into your marriage.
Make a list of the different ways that you used to dote on one another. Examples would be:
You used to buy me flowers.
I used to tuck love notes in your briefcase.
You would pick me up at the train station.
I used to bring you coffee in bed.
We used to plan big nights out just for the two of us.
The second phase of reawakening your marriage is to start demonstrating affection toward one another in the ways that you previously did. It’s amazing what finding a love note in your briefcase can do. Scheduling special date nights is also very important for reconnecting with your spouse. Think date nights are an expensive luxury now that you have kids? Think again. The stronger your marriage, the happier your family will be as a whole.
After re-establishing a connection through time and demonstrations of affection, it is easier to resume physical intimacy. And, again, don’t rush things if you don’t feel ready. Start with holding hands or giving one another neck rubs. The goal is to feel nurtured and loved. Gentle kisses on the neck are a great way to show someone that you care. Over time, it will become more natural to move back into having a sexual relationship.
In summary, losing track of your sex life after having kids is very common and does not mean that you are headed for divorce. Many couples have re-energized their marriages and their sex lives and you can too!
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You Might Also Like These by MeetMindful On The Good Men Project
A Man’s View: How Important is Sex in a Relationship? | How Do I Stop Mistaking Chemistry for True Connection? | Love After a Narcissist: Learn to Trust & Date Again | 5 Fears That Keep Us Single |
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About the author
Dr. Lauren Napolitano is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bryn Mawr, PA. She is also on staff at Bryn Mawr Hospital. She specializes in helping individuals and couples to build happier relationships. Her website: LaurenNapolitanoPsyD.com.
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This article originally appeared on MeetMindful. Reprinted with permission.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
We never started out with a full filling mariage, we had sex a couple of times and that’s it. Ever since it’s been nothing, that was almost 50 years ago. Am I happy, I don’t think so, why I stayed I’ll never be able to answer that question, I suppose stupid would be a start. My life was ruined and wasted by him and I bet he laughs about a few times a day. I’m in my late 60s now and still in pretty good health, I want nothing to do with men ever.
And you wonder why he didn’t want you.
Or has it always been you not wanting anything to do with men, ever?
I cant believe it, this happens again… and again, and again, and again: the wife’s / woman’s task is to save the marriage. “You start encouraging your husband to watch porn so that he’ll let you off the hook. ” When I read this I was laughed so hard… ENCOURAGING TO WATCH PORN for God’s sake, just because he cant have sex, oh my lord. Then I started to worry about men and women who believe this bullshit. Where is the husband? Is he a little child to not do anything, to be serviced? Is he the victim of the… Read more »
Number 3 of Phase III wouldn’t have surprised me so much if I knew this was written from a woman’s/wife’s perspective. Insightful nevertheless. Tom makes a good point. While I recognize the distinction between sex and intimacy it’s important that we don’t inadvertently shame couples who place little (or no) value on sex. As long as both partners are satisfied, that’s really all that matters. It’s a different story however when the needs of one partner and/or another are not being satisfied or when the sex never existed in the first place. Marriages are as varried as human beings. For… Read more »
My wife and I were only 20 when we got married and there were early issues. As a matter of fact I wrote about it at GMP. “The first year was hell.” But we’ve now been married for 40 years and things are great. Perfect? No, Great? Yes. We are now “empty nesters” which took a little adjusting but not too much. Just laying in bed together, holding her while I stroke her back is relaxing, reassuring and comforting. We still make love and will at times joke about it when things aren’t clicking and we simply end up falling… Read more »
Sex, sex and while we’re talking about it, sex. Life is life; life is what we make it. Given that my wife and I are and were always more interested in making love then “sex.” “Sex” is simply an act, but making love comes from the heart, comes from wanting to please the other person. And if both feel the same way, it becomes a non-issue. And as I said, life is life and things tend to change but it sure as heck doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Here’s what’s wrong, people being told that a lack of “sex” or the… Read more »
You make a good point Tom, that is why I distinguish between sex and intimacy. Sex, as you say above, is just an act. However, intimacy is a deep, abiding connection that can happen between two people on the emotional, physical and even spiritual level. Without a strong foundation of emotional intimacy (within the context of vulnerable and authentic communication) even the world’s greatest “sex” will fade. However, (and this is where you may be selling yourself short), with that foundation, physical intimacy / connection can be better than ever –especially after childbearing years. It may be expressed differently than… Read more »