Dan Scotti answers the age old question: can people stay friends after they break up?
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Breaking up with a significant other on good terms is unrealistic. Think about it. If the two of you figured out how to exist together, while maintaining terms that were “good,” you probably wouldn’t have broken up in the first place.
Significant others are a lot like Wes Anderson films — you either love them or hate them, and with the passage of time, you sort of just say, “f*ck it,” and accept the fact that you wasted your money.
You know that old saying that’s used to describe weather in March, “it goes in like a lion, and out like a lamb”? Well, relationships are pretty much the opposite — they go in like a lamb, and out with your ex-girlfriend flashing newly discovered side boob in Instagrams. (I said, “pretty much.”)
In other words, relationships just sort of have this tendency to start with love and end with hate. I’m not exactly sure why this happens to be the case, but it’s just the nature of the business.
Relationships are the products of intense emotions. These emotions don’t dissolve after time. They just linger idly in a different form. Love and hate are often two sides of the same coin or, in our case, the same emotion.
In theory, staying friends after a relationship comes to a smoldering end, sounds great. However, the real life application of that concept proves to be nearly impossible. The sooner you accept the fact that past flames belong just there — in the past — the sooner you’ll begin to focus on what’s important: the future.
However, in case you were curious, here are the 10 reasons you’ll never be able to stay on good terms after a breakup.
10. You’re having sex with other people
Things just tend to feel a little, I don’t know, awkward when you realize you’re both having sex with other people. Especially when your once longtime girlfriend is now hitting you up to “get coffee” and “catch up.”
Like, sh*t, we used to do that together, exclusively, for the past two and a half years — and now we’re sitting here eating bagels, lying about how happy we are for each other.
9. Jealousy
If you gain 35 pounds, she wins. Even if you choose to call it “mass.” If she gets rejected from her dream law school, you tally one in your own win column.
Exes and jealousy go together like Kanye West and his own self.
8. Your only communication is in the form of drunk texts
It’s difficult to construct any type of platonic friendship when every Saturday night you and your ex recreate the adlibs from Marvin’s Room over iMessage — then wake up the next morning and pretend like nothing happened.
7. You hate your ex
Unlike Drake, most of the time you won’t need your ex to make you start hating. You’ll start hating, regardless. This is just the very essence of breakups.
There’s a reason you two are formally removing each other from your lives.
6. But you still low-key love your ex
It’s tough to do “friend-sh*t” like watch movies – while keeping your hands to yourself, and get coffee, when you’re still very much in love with an ex.
If you ever want to get over your ex, it would probably behoove you to just cut her off.
5. Keeping good terms means you care, and caring means you’re losing
Ask Herman Edwards, “You play to win the game.” By caring, you all but assure to your ex that you’re content with losing. C’mon people, play it cool. Focus on yourself, it’s probably been a while since you did, anyway.
By worrying about the terms of your now shattered relationship, it’ll become more of a neurotic obsession than anything else.
4. You’ve got a new bae
One of the best ways to move on after a bad relationship is to find a new one. Your new love will hopefully replace your tainted old memories with newer, (hopefully) better ones.
Before long, the terms of old relationships will become forgotten. Relationships that are currently existing require too much attention for you to be concerned with those prior.
3. They distract you
Given the amount of memories you have with that person, it really isn’t a good idea to toy with the aspect of friendship. While bad terms aren’t optimal for anyone, good terms will always provide that glimmer of hope that a future might still be salvageable.
That same glimmer of hope can go on to torment you and prevent future relationships.
2. Every conversation ends in an argument
Every conversation may start like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you, how’s everything been?” But it’s going to end with some grotesque name calling and perhaps a death wish or two.
It’s difficult to talk about lighthearted stuff when you and your ex still can’t agree on what technically constitutes cheating, and every conversation leads to that.
1. You just want to move on
Exes are always representations of bigger conflicts. Maybe you allowed yourself to love someone because you were going through a rough patch in your life, and desperately lusted for companionship.
Perhaps that person hurt your self-esteem so much that you felt held down the duration of your time together. Either way, relationships end for a reason, and I can’t stress that enough.
If you truly love someone, and value that person in your life, you’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that. It won’t always be easy, and it will certainly require effort, but ending a relationship just does that — it ends a relationship. Nowhere in that description does it entail good terms. It’s just an end.
With every end should come a new beginning. Not someone you’ll want to check in with after months of absence in your life. Focus on people who matter now. Not yesterday.
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About the author
Dan Scotti is the Lifestyle Writer for Elite Daily. At Elite Daily, Dan’s coverage focuses on the ins-and-outs of daily life, as a young adult. Dan is also interested in covering topics surrounding Stamford Bridge, Roland Garros, Bob Weir, and J Peterman. Dan is a graduate of Binghamton University. Join the tweetsyle movement @scottipippen
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This article originally appeared on Elite Daily.
Photo credit: Nick Spears/flickr
Wow! This was written out of bitterness!!! You need to grow up gurl! Get a life!
In my experience if you care that much there are feelings still there
We were friends before relationship and during it, why we wouldn’t be friends after? Of course, if the only way to see your spouse is.. well.. YOUR spouse and not a human being with personality and whole package, it’s much easier to think friendship is impossible. Also, if you think another person is your possession, it’s impossible stay friends, also. But s/he had sex with another person before you met and will have after. Her/his body doesn’t belong to you, s/he is with you because s/he wants to, not because you want it. Good relationship wipes dirt of its shoulder… Read more »
I have had both experiences. One Ex I am friends with, another I am not, and don’t speak to her. The reasons for each situation is very different. One thing I have learned is, how you treat people goes both ways. If you are rejected and are still treated with love and respect, friendship can still survive, providing both parties do so. But sometimes, no matter what you feel about someone, you have let go and allow yourself time to heal. When you come across them again, you will realize that what you thought of the person will change and… Read more »
Well I’m glad that this hasn’t been MY experience. O.o Looks like it’s not the most common one either.
So happy to report that this isn’t universal. We split after 20 years together, he is still family, spends holidays with us, and will always have a place in my heart. None of the above apply.
Wow, I must really be doing it wrong, because I’m still very close to all but one of my exes. This is really a pile of terribly trite tropes about love that remove all responsibility for your personal relationships from you. And they center the other person’s life squarely around you. That’s some origami narcissism right there. Impressive. Of course it’s possible to stay close to your exes. Were they interesting when you dated them? They’re probably still interesting now. Were they creative, fun, intelligent? Did you are about them and there happiness? Why would any of that change just… Read more »
I could not agree more. You said everything I would have said, only better! This is tripe.
I agree 100% Im also friend with most of my exes, just because we werent compatible in relationship it doesent mean we are not compatible as friends. But it depends on who you are and who they are,,,,so its more complicated than good intentions and compatibility. I think only once or twice in my life I had a horrible break up, one was because we were extremely incompatible, it started well but it ended bad. The second was because infedelty from her side. I busted her while kissing another guy. No scene or hostility from me, I just told her… Read more »