Barbara Gold on women’s sexuality, losing yourself in relationships, and the difference between men and women.
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Pretty much everyone believes men and women are different. Different yes, but both still human–everyone bleeds when they’re cut, be it physically or emotionally.
My last post on mismatched libidos generated responses about the premise that there is no such thing as libido, but instead “arousal response”. It may matter academically how it’s described, but for our purposes, I think the more important question is what happens when your sexual “get up and go” has “got up and went”, and it doesn’t come back, i.e. no libido/sexual arousal. When avoidance kicks in to such a degree that there’s no chance for an arousal response, it’s no longer wanting less, it’s not wanting any. Much of the time, there’s no affection either, as the avoidant partner doesn’t want it to “lead to something else”.
Now what do you do? This is a common dilemma for couples coming to therapy. And once again, it’s not just women. There are many reasons for this, and I’d have to write a book (which I am, though with a broader look at love and relationships, including this topic) to address them all.
I’m going to focus on women this time around, on one very important, but often overlooked concept which I frequently see: the loss of sexual identity. In our and other cultures, women are socialized in such a way as to give away their sexuality to the male in their lives. I do want to be clear that this is not a blame statement for men, nor for women.
This can begin much earlier than with adult relationships. Back to toxic gender mythology–“She’s a tease.” is something of which no girl or woman ever wants to be accused. This loss of sexual identity does not happen to every female, but it happens too frequently to be ignored. Understanding it, whatever your gender, can be a huge help in changing and moving past it.
Consciously or not, she feels once she has reached a certain level of sexual intimacy, every successive sexual encounter must go at least that far. Now, I’m talking bases, but I’ve never really understood the universal (?) definition of what constitutes 1st, 2nd or 3rd base. I’m pretty sure intercourse would be a home run, but even that is open to question! In other words, if he gets to 2nd base once, he always gets that far, etc. This is the place where a sense of being in charge of her sexuality is at risk of eroding. Contrary to what many males believe, women lose the feeling of having any control regarding sexual intimacy with their partner. This goes hand in hand with loss of her own sexuality.
Once on this path, her sexuality increasingly belongs less and less to herself. Self-pleasuring may also cease. Women often feel that if they’re not being sexual with their partner, it’s certainly not okay for them to be sexual with themselves, lest they feel guilty about it. So they may just shut it down altogether, until it just seems to disappear. Eventually, it’s as if they never had it to begin with.
Here’s how I approach this dilemma in my work; however, if you and your partner can undertake this process on your own, go for it. In this instance, do try this at home! Of course, therapy is always an option should you need it. |
Once there, further fallout occurs. Feelings may include guilt for depriving her partner (no awareness of her own deprivation), resentment because she feels guilt or obligation, and often resultant anger. This is often accompanied by a belief there’s something wrong with her, frequently shared by her partner.
Here’s how I approach this dilemma in my work; however, if you and your partner can undertake this process on your own, go for it. In this instance, do try this at home! Of course, therapy is always an option should you need it.
First off, I encourage her to take back her sexuality and begin to experience it. This phase is just for her and is entirely self-focused. Of course I hope she will share and enjoy it with her partner later, but that’s after she’s claimed/reclaimed it as belonging to her.
This concept of loss of sexual identity is often foreign to most people. Though it may be unconscious, if a woman has relinquished her own sexuality, sex no longer serves to meet her needs, only his. This disconnect may be labeled as asexuality, but that isn’t the case here. It’s simply the end point of a destructive process. I’ve heard women say they would be just as happy to never have sex again! How sad to relinquish that part of oneself.
People often experience losing part of themselves in relationships. They stop speaking up and sweep things under the rug in service of peace at any price and call it “compromise”. Traditionally, women have had a difficult time asking for what they want and need. This certainly applies in the sexual arena, if asking or if saying “no” is already challenging. Sadly, I still see this with younger women who are able to be assertive in their careers and other aspects of their lives, but not with their partner, and especially not with sex.
Resources include books on women’s sexuality, e.g., Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia R. Heiman, Ph.D. and Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D.; erotica in books, e.g. My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James, and films on websites such as www.comstockfilms.com. In addition to books and films, I often recommend the use of “sex toys” and suggest external use first. Be creative–go with whatever works for you! For additional resources, feel free to visit my website.
Phase one comes with certain mutual agreements. There is no sexual intimacy between the couple during this time. I often hear “We’ve come to a sex therapist who tells us to stop having sex?” Yes, strange, but true-and temporary. She’s claiming the space she needs to focus and stay true to her own sexual needs and desires, to replenish what probably once existed but has disappeared from view. If her partner can understand and support this process, the second phase is much more likely to more quickly occur. It gets more complex, however. Sexual references, innuendos or jokes are included in the “no fly zone.” Women often hear those as subtle pressure, which may not be intended but will likely interfere with progress to the second phase: resumption of sexual intimacy between the partners.
People want to know how long this first phase lasts. My stock response (flip, I admit) is that my crystal ball is still at the shop, so I don’t know. It may take a while; however, if you consider how long it took to get to “that place,” patience and no expectations regarding a time will serve best.
I encourage couples to talk about how things are going, but again with the caveat that there is no pressure. It’s best to let her lead the way in this arena. And yes, guys, she is “in control” of this part, but she has to be for it to work. Think of it as advancing the ball toward the goal of resuming sexual intimacy, and give her the space to get down the field to the goal line. As for the ladies, if you feel pressure, say so. It may not be intended, so be mindful of that fact and don’t accuse, but articulate your feelings and own them as belonging to you, not because you were “made” to feel them.
Last, once things are back in gear– sexually speaking–stop being goal oriented, (i.e., intercourse and orgasm). The goal has already been reached. Now it’s time to begin a mutually wonderful intimate sexual experience, whatever happens or doesn’t. Hopefully, the results will be well worth the wait.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
I appreciate the thoughts and dialogue created by the article, and if you want more information about relationships and sexuality, I invite you to take a look at my book, “Loving Courageously: First Me, Then You, Now Us” on Amazon. It also deals extensively with self-love and self-care, which speaks to some of the concerns you’ve addressed in the conversation here
I appreciate your taking the time to read my article and your comments. You might want to read my previous post “Not Tonight, Dear: Mismatched Libidos”https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/not-tonight-dear-mismatched-libidos-gmp/ and visit my website listed below for more resources.
I understand the concerns about 50 Shades, however, they are included as erotica for the steamy lovemaking scenes, not for the BDSM. Many have found those to be of help.
You may also want to look for my book this Spring, “Loving Courageously: First Me, Then You, Now Us”.
Right on Matilda. When did 50 Shades of Grey become the way we define female sexuality? I think that’s a dangerous slope.
You recommend “Fifty Shades of Grey”? WTF! It’s “Fifty Shades of Abuse”.
Why not suggest to nurture female sexuality from day one so these problems do not arise.
I recommend you read this: http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/
Been there. Done that. For years. Did the therapy. Got the books. Got the spare bedroom. Got the divorce. Lost my wife. Got my sex life back. Sometimes it’s not you. It’s her. Sometimes, the wound is so deep the only healing is in walking away.
I guess when your relationship is build around sex, I guess it becomes a problem. Sex … the be all and end all to relationships these days. I’ll stick with making lobe which doesn’t always include sex.
A sexless relationship is a friendship to most people. Most sexually active humans desire sex, it’s normal, it’s the majority of people’s desires and when the sex is lacking…someone is going to be hurt. That’s completely normal. If my partner wasn’t having sex with me and wasn’t working on how to restore the libido with me, to fix the reasons of why it’s happening…I would probably dump them. Why? Because I want a sexual relationship. I don’t want a sexless relationship with cuddles, companionship, etc, that will just make it hurt even more. Sex IS important to many of us.… Read more »
“Does that make it a huge pressure on the person with the low libido? Yes, but there is an even greater pressure on the one with the fully working libido. They didn’t change, the lower libido person has their needs met 100%, the higher does not.” I’m not sure why you feel the need to turn this into a competition about who has it worse. I would say that any couple in a relationship where one has a high sex drive and the other has a low one, that it is probably equally difficult for both of them. No person… Read more »
Becuase there are plenty of couples in which the lower libido partner still is satisfied and still feels the relationship is ok, whilst the higher libido one is yearning for much more. With the way society is setup, the monogamous relationship has a lot of stigma even today for those who wish to move on, divorce, etc. When kids are in the mix it’s even harder. The higher libido person is giving up a huge part of their life to stay, the lower libido person may feel guilt true but they still get all the sex they could ever dream… Read more »
Archy – I went back and re-read your posting. It still seems to me that you are rather *are* saying in both your old posting and this new one, that it is worse for the higher libido partner. You clearly have a lot of empathy for what you perceive to be the trails for the higher libido person while blaming monogamy. You believe that the lower libido person is satisfied in the relationship simply because they desires less sex. That’s a huge presumption to assume. You even say, in this new posting “Guilt is bad, but outright consistent rejection is… Read more »
The low libido partner has pressure to perform but more often will have their sexual needs met more than the higher libido. This is just one aspect of their relationship so it’s difficult to say who has it worse overall in a relationship. The problem of monogamy is the person with the lower libido will have less desire to find a new partner, they can stay in their relationship and still get their needs mostly met, EVEN if they feel pressure to perform more. The person with the higher libido will always want more, and will have more rejections, they… Read more »
“The low libido partner has pressure to perform but more often will have their sexual needs met more than the higher libido. “ I think in some cases, the low libido person may have a low libido because either or both of their sexual and emotional needs aren’t being met. So again, I don’t think it’s a good idea to assume that the low libido person is happier sexually. Plus, an continued pursuit of sex where they feel like they have to perform or loose the person they love can breed resentment. There is no ‘problem’ with monogamy. It’s about… Read more »
“There is no ‘problem’ with monogamy. It’s about making a choice that’s right for you. Like I said, if you don’t want to be monogamous, don’t. But don’t insist that monogamy is wrong all around. It’s not. For a lot of people, monogamy is the right choice. It might not be the right choice for you but that doesn’t mean you get to rag on it. ” The problem isn’t monogamy, it’s the SOCIAL EXPECTATION and stigma’s of monogamy. Monogamy is fine for those that want it. But not all people are monogamous, and those that are polyamorous are pressured… Read more »