Dani Paradis grew up thinking men didn’t have body image issues, and that they just didn’t get their feelings hurt the same way women do. Boy, was she wrong.
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Stay with me now, I know. Men are people and people have feelings.
But I grew up in a house full of men who didn’t talk about feelings. We’d talk about cars maybe. But feelings? They weren’t generally on the table. My household was pretty traditional and during holidays. We’d frequently split off with the men in the living room eating snacks and watching TV while the women gathered in the kitchen to help make dinner, clean and talk. I’d hang out in both rooms because I talk a lot and need an audience. But the conversations would change tone as I moved from the women’s kitchen to the men’s den. It was just normal. And I am beginning to realize that somewhere along the line I seem to have picked up the idea that men don’t respond emotionally to things. Growing up in a traditional household blinded me to a lot of ways that men and women are the same.
I’ve discovered this by way of acting like a total jerk. I know, for example, that it is wrong to poke fun at a woman for gaining weight. What an awful thing to do! What kind of horrible person would do that? And yet I found myself not all that long ago making body-shaming jokes to someone I love. I’ve seen it happen a lot in a family setting—some dudes joke about their beer bellies, and even shake them, while the women roll their eyes and talk about how hard it is to get their husbands and children to eat their vegetables. I saw this happen so much that I joined in myself, we were just teasing after all, and when my partner was later upset with me, I was honestly a little surprised.
Here’s where me acting like a jerk came in. I called him sensitive. I don’t think I meant to be offensive it was more like an “ah-ha!” moment. The trouble is, this isn’t the first time my behavior has ever been pointed out. There was a gap in my understanding that, in hindsight, is awful! I presumed, sure…it’s painful for me to be called fat, or for me to be called sensitive but a man? That would never hurt a man—they just don’t care about those things like women do.
I can’t wag my finger at all women for doing this because I don’t know if it is common, but I do think that we underestimate the affect that messages about their body have on men and boys. For a long time, eating disorders of men were ignored because they looked different. We live in a society so negative towards people with any extra padding that of course men internalise it. At the same time the man box doesn’t allow space to talk about these things. Worrying about calories? That’s acting like a woman! (And a woman is, you know, weaker!) Even when men watch what they eat, we feel compelled to put a manly spin on
In this video we meet Doug, who jogs. He does this so he can eat burgers and drink (diet) beer and bacon. This isn’t some “diet” the narrator exclaims dismissively. This is a “guyet”.
It may be that the men in my family just don’t have the same body concerns as women so, or it may be that they have learned to cover up these concerns to appear less feminine. Either way, fatness and body issues are not only a feminine problem and it isn’t only that women are sensitive to these things.
I’ve been trying to unlearn these behaviors and improve my understanding of the ways that men face insecurities that don’t differ from mine as much as I thought. I’ve been wondering what other painfully obvious things we ‘re missing that would help bridge the gender gap rather than keeping our defenses up and emotions bottled in.
Photo Credit: Morgue Files
I am uncertain about how the term body image is being used.Are we talking about clinical issues or feeling less than attractive from time to time?Then there is the space between those two poles.Sure men have feelings about their bodies.Why wouldn’t they?They are human beings not blocks of wood. Chances are if a woman feels something so does/can a man. Seriously,is this 1940?! We believe,for some reason,that talking- specifically sharing feelings,and by extention therapy is a panacea. There is much good to be said about sharing feelings with the right person and for therapy.I have tried both, and, for me… Read more »
ogwriter, you hit it on the head when you said “but I am OK… I like myself anyway.” I personally am still looking, after all these years (59) to get to that place. Back a LONG time ago, in high school, I felt I wasn’t ‘Big’ enough. Later, even at 220 lbs., when I could deadlift 660 lbs., I felt I wasn’t ‘Strong’ enough. All in all, I’ve pretty much spent just about my whole life feeling I wasn’t ‘good enough’. However, if you ever dare to bring this up in mixed company, you’re usually ‘shot down’ with “Stop complaining,… Read more »
I think males worrying about the male body-image perpetuates itself — as more males become fit as a result of worrying about their bodies, it causes other men to become insecure and worry about their bodies as well. It’s a slippery slope, but not necessarily all that bad, in reality.
I don’t know if I’ve ever had body image issues. I started weight training to help with the kick boxing and there was a time that I started liking the way I looked. I’d measure my muscles as well as chart the weight and reps I was doing for each exercise. I started getting a lot of female attention and started becoming conceited. I started checking myself out in the mirror. We even held Mr. Body competitions and had our lady friends judge. They thought it was fun until they realized how conceited we were getting. That’s what brought me… Read more »
Yep I agree The link on “For a long time, eating disorders of men were ignored because they looked different.” talks a bit about that and the differing ways men are concerned with body image, but it didn’t touch on things like over exercising or concern about size.
I knew my faith would be well placed when I liked this on the Facebook page before even reading it. It may be that the men in my family just don’t have the same body concerns as women so, or it may be that they have learned to cover up these concerns to appear less feminine. Either way, fatness and body issues are not only a feminine problem and it isn’t only that women are sensitive to these things. I can speak for the guys in your family but I can say that form me I learned to cover them… Read more »
I think there’s something to what you’re saying here. When the nature of men’s labor goes through major changes, then it makes sense that images of men’s bodies would also change, especially in a transition from blue collar to white collar work. It was only 2-3 generations ago that most people thought of bodybuilding, or really any kind of weightlifting, as something exclusively for freaks on the fringes. Pumping iron was for weirdo hobbyists who were often assumed to be gay. (Jack Lalane was for a very long time associated with housewives watching TV, not associated with being manly.) In… Read more »
P.S. Something very similar happened a little earlier with American society’s view of the outdoors. When most people were farmers, there was no such thing as camping for fun. Most people who work outside for a living have very little interest in spending their free time out in the woods. They tend to feel like the outdoors are where you work to pay for the benefits of being indoors. Camping as a hobby didn’t really take off until a lot of Americans starting living in big cities and suburbs, when they thought of “nature” as this distant thing.
There are many reasons that many women tend to think men don’t express their feelings or are out of touch with their feelings. Two of the biggest reasons that I’ve noticed: 1. A lot of men’s feelings are dismissed as “ego.” (Both men and women do this to men.) A lot of sadness, fear, anxiety, and self-doubt gets put into the “ego” box and tied up with a bow. This reinforces the idea that women are the ones with “real” emotions, while men just have some sort of testosterone quirk, nothing all that deep or worthy of interest. 2. Men… Read more »
I agree. Who can say what elements are biology or socialization, but men and women are still different.
This is a great post, Dani. My mother used to straight-up tell me that guys didn’t have feelings, and it’s taken years to unlearn that!
“My mother used to straight-up tell me that guys didn’t have feelings….”
That sounds like a form of child abuse to me.
Great piece, Dani!
I tend to be sensitive when folks mock my weight, because it is something I’m self-conscious about. I’m less bothered by the height comments I get, because I’ve heard them all my life and there’s nothing I can do to change it, while I can start eating better and exercising more if I wanted to. Not all issues are universal, but I generally try to avoid saying things to other people I wouldn’t want them to say to me, even if I know it wouldn’t bother them.
Thanks Allan. Short jokes suck too. I just look at people when they make them to someone short like–do you think they have never heard that before??