A woman wonders if her boyfriend’s female friend is truly just a friend.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend of 4 months has let his good (female) friend be rude and disrespectful to me. I tried to ignore it, but it has been bothering me. He won’t confront her about it and won’t tell me why she dislikes me. Now I’m uncomfortable with them hanging out, but he doesn’t understand. Am I over thinking this?
She Said: First, let me say that He Said and I are a testament to the fact that men and women can be just friends. Sixteen years of evidence right here. The trick to maintaining a boy-girl friendship is keeping good boundaries. To me it sounds like maybe your boyfriend isn’t maintaining said boundaries with this girl.
Second, it’s not your boyfriend’s job to keep his friend from being rude to you. That’s all you. You should try to bridge the gap yourself. If you can’t seem to do it (and he won’t “let” you? uhh whaa?) then the issue is in your relationship with him, not with her.
Thing is, I’ve never once been jealous of He Said’s girlfriend (or girls he’s dated in the past), because you know what? I don’t want to sleep with He Said. Due to that, I’m genuinely happy when he’s getting laid. If a guy’s “friend” isn’t happy for his budding love, then she’s not just his friend.
That is unless you were a bitch to her first. Think long and hard, have you been rude to her? She may just be mirroring what you’re giving out.
He Said: Did your boyfriend’s friend physically assault you?!? That would definitely be rude and disrespectful of her. Seriously though (we here at She Said He Said do NOT condone violence), there are a few things to consider here: First, just HOW disrespectful was this girl? Was she mean and vengeful, and looking for serious trouble? Or was she just being a bit catty, over-protective, and slightly jealous? Second, has this girl made a habit (or pattern) of being rude to you? Or are we talking a one-time event?
If this girl has been repetitively rude to you, or super mean, then you should confront your boyfriend, and demand that he stick up for you. If he’s not willing to do that, you should ask your boyfriend what kind of friend (of his) would be so mean to his good friend’s girlfriend? Hopefully you’re boyfriend will step his game-up, by defending your honor.
However, if this girl was really just being a bit snooty (as a one-time deal), maybe you can find it in your heart to be the bigger person, and give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. In the meantime, don’t lose too much sleep over this girl not wanting to be best friends with you. She could be jealous of you, insecure about herself and her own relationships, or maybe she just wants to get inside your man’s pants. Don’t sweat it. So what if you have similar taste in men? Your man is going with you, not her!
P.S. – Keep this mind: It’s usually easier (and requires less energy) to make a new friend (even if only a half-decent one), than a new enemy. Try your best to get along with your man’s girl friends (at least for a little while).
About She Said He Said
“If a guy’s “friend” isn’t happy for his budding love, then she’s not just his friend.”
NAILED IT.
“Due to that, I’m genuinely happy when he’s getting laid.”
And that is the test for a genuine female friend.
If you apply these things to an open relationship you have polyamory and “I’m genuinely happy when he’s getting laid.” will be when you expericence compursion for your spouce!!!
I have many male friends and for the most part like their partners and I can maintain respectful friendships with them and their women. But at the end of the day my friend in those cases is the guy and lets face it, women come and go. I will not forming long lasting friendships with their women and if the relationship ends I support my friend and not their women.
That being said I think only a bit of this story is coming out too. I have one friend who got a female partner who had pain the rear end/trouble all over her. I’m not a big fan of public displays of affection in general. So when we were having our, at that point, once in awhile hang out session and his woman came in for literally 2 hours and crawled all over him and did everything short of screw him right there I found it hard to respect her. When she left her 9 year old child in a car in -20 degree temps because she just couldn’t bear to not be hanging on him… I couldn’t respect her. When she was nasty drunk on a regular basis… when she wanted him to chance his living will… when she wanted to get married after 2 months… when she wanted him to alienate his family and all his friends (not just me)… i couldn’t respect that. So yeah I was at best snooty to her. My male friend tried to make it all better between us… and I stopped respect him and we didn’t talk for a long time (and he didn’t talk for a long time with his family or his male friends either).
So I would suggest to the woman before she wants her boyfriend’s female friend to be nice to her look at her own behavior when they’re all together first. And then remember that at the end of the day to his friend you are just another in a line of women who inevitably come and go. Give it time if that’s the only case. Once you’re stuck around and if the friend honestly believes you’re not toxic she’ll come around.
I would be more pissed and concerned with the response of your boyfriend than of the friend. It sounds like your boyfriend is not listening to your feelings and worse yet is putting his friend before you.
To me, this is a red flag. The next time one of his friends or worse yet, a family member makes you feel bad, will he defend them or you? Do you want to be with a guy who makes you feel wrong for expressing your feelings.
He needs to man up and listen and comfort you. If appropriate, it is his job to confront his friend, not yours.
Mark,
I totallya gree with you ebcause if someone was disrespectful to my man I woudl say something. Why? because I care about him. Simple. I fa guy does not care enough about you that he would let anyone disrespect you run for the hills. Hed is not serious about you at all. ANd that otehr guy I bet he’s alone Mr. equality. SOunds like another jerk
Men should not stand up for women just because they are women. They should stand up for people who they agree with and debate or oppose people they disagree with. Women no longer have call to demand assistance from men. Its called equality.
Nailed it