A man asks Eli and Josie if he should put his needs aside to support his girlfriend through her cancer recovery.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: My girlfriend had breast cancer, a total mastectomy, and is still going through a long, painful reconstruction process. Since the start of it, she’s told me that she didn’t want me going to appointments with her, or seeing her during hospital stays, despite me wanting to (her aunt accompanies her). Our sex life has understandably been put on hold, she almost never shows any physical affection, and I rarely even see her anymore. I suspect I’m losing her. At the risk of being clingy, what do I do?
She Said: Out of a few hundred questions we’ve been asked, I can say with confidence that this is the hardest one I’ve ever had to answer.
The best way to answer something like this is with a “What’s the worst that could happen?” scenario. First, let’s look at what would happen if you made a big stink about your needs: the worst that could happen is that you would be a selfish jerk and she would feel like you didn’t really care about how she felt and what she needed, during the time when she needs support most.
Second, let’s look at what would happen if, just for a while, you tried to put your needs aside in order to be there for her: Ultimately, even if it didn’t work out, you would know that you were a good friend to her, and that you gave her what she was able to accept at the time.
To me, the second one is the only way to go. However, that doesn’t mean you do this for a long, extended time, unless you can be happy and mostly fulfilled living this way. Hopefully the mastectomy removed all the cancer, and when reconstruction is done she can get on with her life and become the partner she probably truly wants to be.
He Said: First of all, you’re not being clingy for wanting to spend more time with your girlfriend, or for wanting to see her more. Unfortunately, there’s much more at stake here than a clinginess perception. Forget about your sex life (not forever, but definitely for now) at the moment, your girlfriend has all she can handle with life, period. Not only is she working on staying/getting physically healthy, her identity (to herself and others) is also in a great state of flux. I’m sure She Said can speak on the subject in more depth, but a woman losing her breasts is a life-altering event. Your girlfriend may not even know how to articulate to what exactly what she’s feeling.
The most important thing you can do to help your relationship right now is to keep the lines of communication open. Your girlfriend might not want you going with her to appointments, or seeing her during hospital stays. She might withdraw and need space and time to herself. But these changes aren’t a reflection of you. Just keep letting your girlfriend know you’re there for her – however much or little she needs. And while you shouldn’t be afraid to communicate your needs, realize they may have to take a back seat to your girlfriend’s recovery (at least right now).
About She Said He Said
The letter writer seems to be torn and from what I can see that is totally understandable.
They are weighing satisfying their own desires/needs and putting those needs/desires on hold for a loved one.
Hope and communication are about their only option. Communicate how he feels (but not in a way that comes off as greedy or overbearing), communicate that he is there for her, communicate that he loves her. Finally hope that she is able to recover and continue the relationship and hope that he can hold out that long.
I went through something similar to cancer, and due to not being able to eat for weeks my breasts more or less disappeared. After recovering enough to be conscious, I realized that I was appalled and disgusted even by my own appearance. I knew that it would take months to ‘recover’. I knew that I would be physically incapable of having sex for a few months or longer. It took me months to relearn how to walk, and I knew that we would not be able to go on dates. In short, I did not find myself attractive and did not think I’d be able to satisfy him in anyway. I felt that it would be terribly selfish, especially not knowing how long it would take to get back to ‘normal’, to not break up with my beloved and supportive boyfriend. I too tried to distance myself.
This might not be the case, but she might be feeling the same way. If you think she’s worth it, write her a letter. Tell her that you still find her beautiful, and that although you know things willbe different for a while, you still want to be with her and see her through. Ask her if shed be willing to have a date with you in the hospital.. of course, make sure you really want this, because it’ll be a lot of work
For the moment, porn and kleenex. It’s a tough situation but there isn’t much you can do, discuss it with her but she needs to heal so she may not be able to fulfill any of your needs for a while. Good luck.
It’s hard to know everything going on here, but it sounds like the gf is keeping the writer at arm’s length in order to preserve something normal and not affected by cancer in her life. I don’t know how I’d do in such a situation … you know you aren’t going to get the things from this relationship right now that you had every reason to expect, going in: affection, sex, time. It’s okay to grieve that, and it doesn’t make you a jerk, even though she has all that and more to grieve right now. I would advise not to treat this like something you have to wait out. Things are changing right now and you’re both here, now, so find a way to be okay with things as they are, not manage it by figuring sometime in the future it will get easier to deal with.
In her case, at some point in the future, won’t it get easier to deal with?
That was my first thought. My second was that I’ve been thinking along the same lines for years about my wife. First it’s that she’s pregnant, then that she’s got a newborn. Every year or so, something different is a reason to wait. Who knows?
Most of what sucks about life’s uncertainties is that we’re doing it for the first and only time. Without a manual.
I would advise not to treat this like something you have to wait out.
Unfortunately that’s just what this going to become. Archy and John are saying that while she is having her time to herself (or at least from him) he has to do something other than curl up in a corner. But depending on how long things take there is a chance that this guy will eventually start wondering just how much space does she need, how long does she want to keep her distance from him, and if he can do those other things (dancing, hanging out with friends, ,etc…) until she is ready to start things back up.
I know you want to keep hopes high Justin but that’s basically the definition of waiting it out.
I think we can all agree that while it wouldn’t be right for him to start pushing into her life despite her desires to for him to keep away but at the same time I think we all agree that it wouldn’t be right for him to be left in limbo longer than he wants to. She needs time, I get that. But e can’t expect him to be willing to wait in an infinite pause either.
Maybe you misunderstand my advice not to “wait this out,” Danny. And dad, there’s no guarantee the situation will get better. Cancer is a killer. These two people are dating; they haven’t made a commitment to be together til death or through sickness. If the guy who wrote the letter can’t get what he had every reason to expect—and which the woman did, too, tragically—he also has the right to grieve. He doesn’t have cancer, but it still sucks hard to have a girlfriend get cancer, and he should go ahead and feel that. I think there’s a huge tendency in a case like this to be a White Knight, to suck it up, grab the kleenex, and pretend like you don’t need anything or anybody else. I’m saying to resist that impulse. Feel the grief and anger at the situation. Get drunk and talk to your best friend about this. Consider whether you would want to date others, or just go out dancing and pretend to be single for a few hours.
Feel the grief and anger at the situation. Get drunk and talk to your best friend about this. Consider whether you would want to date others, or just go out dancing and pretend to be single for a few hours.
What I’m saying is that even as one does those things there is still a matter of time.
In other words there’s a question of exactly how much grieving one can do in a situation like this before getting to the point of “Can I continue with this relationship in the state that it is currently in?”. Even without the question of will she survive its still a question of is it possible for him to be able to give her the space she needs for as long as she needs it.
I don’t him to be a White Knight either. Its important to bear in mind that this is more about her than him but that doesn’t mean that he and his feelings don’t matter (I agree with you when you say his feelings do matter).
I really like this advice, Justin. It’s a lot to process, and that’s okay. I think you’re right about the White Knight thing too. Just because one person gets a life-threatening illness doesn’t mean you stop being human.
I hope never to find myself in it, because it sounds awful. I know someone who lost a girlfriend to cancer, and it affected her a great deal. There’s so much room for guilt and exclusion. You’re not the husband, but you feel you should stand up and do something, but maybe that’s more than your intimacy calls for. And nobody’s handing out manuals on how to deal with such heartbreaking situations. Somebody could make a killing.
“Consider whether you would want to date others,”
That’s a little farther than I would go in the short term. Although after a time, I would suggest that he consider it, but everything is relative. Do you think he has to tell her that he’s dating others or do you think he should just do it? If I were to do that, I don’t think I’d tell her. That means I’d have to shut down the lines of communication. You could probably forget going back to her. That might be a reason why he doesn’t. He seems to have feelings for her. Maybe he could couch it as still wanting to be friends, but that still seems kind of a shitty thing to do.
I know it sounds shitty, but the way to not be an asshole about it is to keep the lines open as much as the girlfriend allows, and to also allow other things to happen in your life, if you’re in this guy’s situation. Do the things. And when the conversation with the girlfriend allows for revealing what’s in his heart, he should do that. It might be months, or never, if she’s pulling back. So in a way I’m saying, no, you don’t have to go ring up the woman (maybe after chemo) and say, so I’ve decided to see other women. But if you’re having lunch, and you’re finally talking about the relationship, and there’s something you want to say in this vein, from I’m keeping my heart open to I went out to a bar and met someone and I want to go on seeing her, then at least it’s not blowing something up bigger than it is, in the context of how close they are and what else is going on in her life.
I don’t think that you need to wait to get your needs fulfilled. Your girlfriend obviously can’t fulfill them, but there is no need to put your life on hold especially since she doesn’t seem to want you around right now and you tried being supportive. I agree keep the lines of communication open, but you don’t need to be a hermit. Go see a movie. Go out with friends. Meet people. Go dancing. I don’t mean to get yourself another girlfriend, but she needs space and you should give her that. You need to feel that your there for her. Do that by keeping the lines of communication open. You don’t need to dwell on it though. Like Archy said there’s always porn and a date with Rosie Palmer.
I think your relationship is likely to end. I think it is a very bad sign that she does not let you go to the hospital with her. Nonetheless you can only do your best and try to be suportive in whatever way you can.
I think she may be feeling that the relationship is doomed anyway and she doesn’t want the heartbreak. I don’t know if I would expect my boyfriend to stay with me if I had cancer and a double mastectomy. I can’t imagine our lives would ever be the same. There’s the physical changes, of course, from having breasts removed. And If you get the estrogen sensitive kind breast cancer, you also have to be on drugs that destroy all your body’s estrogen. So, messed up body, whacked out hormones, and an uncertain life span. My boyfriend and I don’t have kids, we are still relatively young, and he has a right to go on and live his life. I wouldn’t want him to stay with me just because it would be sh!tty to leave a girlfriend with cancer.
There is also the possibility that her prognosis is grimmer than she is letting on, and she wants to spare him.
“My boyfriend and I don’t have kids, we are still relatively young, and he has a right to go on and live his life.”
He might not want to go on if he really loves her. My cousin didn’t. He knew his girlfriend would end up dying soon but he loved her and so decided to marry her (she died a few years later). Feynman didn’t either. His wife had an incurable disease but he loved her. They had a wonderful relationship. If I was put in the situation I don’t think I would leave. I would prefer to enjoy the little time we have together and experience the heartbreak than to have never had that.
After all in the end everyone dies and heartbreak due to the loss of loved ones is inevitable.
Assman, such a sweet response from a guy with a less sweet moniker!
My guess is that part of the reason she pushes him away because she doesn’t feel like the woman she was. She had something taken away from her that she had no control over. Both emotionally and physically. The letter writer also doesn’t appear to simply be talking about sexual “needs”. “Physical affection” is a wide gamut if you ask me. He could simply being talking those less subtle touches of affection between a couple other then just full on sex.
At the end of the day, he needs to figure out if he wants to be in it for the long haul or if it’s simply too hard for him and wants to get out. Not everyone is emotionally capable of dealing with such issues. It’s better she learn this now, if he is really there for her, then not, rather then later.
I’m not a fan of the “get your needs met the second you feel them” attitude for either women or men. Sometimes you make sacrifices for the person you love. Sometimes they make them for you. He is either willing to make these sacrifices and see what happens, or he can’t. That is ultimately only something he can answer.