Sometimes gender equality can be complex.
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I always say pain is the best teacher, he grinned, as he twisted and compressed my wrist a little more. I laughed too. Although it hurt, he was kind and fully in control; and not inflicting anything dangerous or intolerable.
But after class, my female friend said: This is such great training. Nothing ever hurts here! This is how martial arts should be.
What was going on?
I’d made good friends with another woman from my dojo. The only problem was, she didn’t like anything that hurt—even the mildest pain made her resentful or distressed. Back in her native country, nothing had ever hurt in her training; and she didn’t understand why our class had to be different.
We all liked her, and started to carefully hold back when training with her, to keep her happy.
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As we became closer, she invited me to a residential aikido summer school at her old dojo, back in her home country. It sounded like a great adventure; and I jumped at the chance.
Right from the first day of the course, I noticed something strange about her school. It seemed to comprise two different dojos, co-existing in parallel on the same mat. I saw a recognizable, vigorous form of aikido being taught by the very competent instructor—and practiced by the men. And something soft, dance-like and somehow anemic being practiced by the women.
What made it so baffling, was that genuine aikido was being taught and practiced in the same lesson; but my friend and the other women seemed oblivious.
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Training with the women there was fun but unsatisfying. They carefully, conscientiously went through the motions, apparently unaware of the body mechanics or purpose of anything, even at the higher grades. Not wanting to be unkind or disruptive, I applied techniques in the same light, unreal way that they did, while they gracefully dropped to the ground in harmony with my movements—and vice versa. It felt weird, especially as these women seemed so serious about their practice—so diligent and focused; and proud of learning a martial art.
I also trained with male senior grades; and they engaged at just the level of intent I wanted. But when they paired up with women from their own club, they appeared to soften right down, and collude with their ineffective techniques. I realized this was somehow related to the fact that their country still has more traditional gender roles than my own culture.
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The contrast was very strange. One time, my friend knelt carefully by my outstretched arm as I lay on the ground, barely touching it with the edges of her two hands, and said: you see; this is how I pin you. There’s no need to be rough. It felt like satire, but she was serious. Beautiful person that she is, she sincerely wanted to educate me into her own gentler, better way.
She badmouthed our sensei back home, and his barbaric dojo to her friends, repeating: it’s so wonderful to be back here; nothing ever hurts. She told me, I’ve been so sad, feeling like I’d forgotten everything. Now I’m back here, I know I’m good at aikido after all.
I suddenly understood just how unpleasant, alienating and even frightening our training had felt for her.
If this had been some kind of flaky, fake dojo, with an incompetent teacher, I would have understood it more. What made it so baffling, was that genuine aikido was being taught and practiced in the same lesson; but my friend and the other women seemed oblivious.
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I can’t deny it felt nice to be treated as a “flower”.
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One day there was a football tournament, with three men’s teams and one women’s team. I signed up for the women’s team, but felt anxious, knowing nothing about football and seeing it as a rough, dangerous game. One of the men said: don’t worry, the women’s team always does well because we enjoy letting you win. I was curious. He said kindly: women are precious flowers; and it’s our job to protect you. His words didn’t feel patriarchal or condescending though. Just genuinely warm and caring.
And sure enough, the male teams went all out against each other to win; but let us beat them easily, despite our collective lack of skill. This dynamic was right out in the open and enjoyed by both sides. And I enjoyed it too. I can’t deny it felt nice to be treated as a “flower”. Conversely, if they’d played us at their normal level of intensity, they would surely have destroyed some of us.
But it was hard to make sense of what was going on. On the pitch, everyone knew that the women were being pampered and indulged, and saw it as nice, natural and loads of fun. But on the mat, the same double standard was also at play, but somehow denied.
Perhaps it was because football is just a game; the tournament was only for fun. But women learning martial arts is something different. It’s symbolic of our empowerment and protection from violence. How could any good person make light-hearted fun from that?
Culture is a huge influence on us. The men and women I trained with were just being good people in line with their cultural expectations.
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And I didn’t quite know how to feel about it all. Being treated in a deferential, old-fashioned way by the dojo men all week was enjoyable. It made me wonder if life might be easier if we all regressed a little in terms of gender roles. But there can be a dark underside to treating women as precious flowers, for both men and women. In this case, it meant a group of women believing they were learning a skill, but actually picking up very little if anything about balance breaking, or controlling another person, or other technical aspects.
And the men must have known. They were the ones bearing the responsibility of adjusting their training to make sure they never hurt or scared the women. So it felt to me like some kind of odd, unspoken secret being kept from the women.
I don’t think anyone in this story is “wrong” though. Culture is a huge influence on us. The men and women I trained with were just being good people in line with their cultural expectations, including the microculture of their own dojo. So it’s not about judgment – just lots of questions.
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Were the men being kind in keeping the women safe and happy? Or were they being unkind by preventing the women from learning to defend themselves? I think the intention would have been all the former; but there’s arguably also something of the latter in the reality, albeit completely unintentional.
Part of me is somehow drawn to that old-fashioned notion of being cherished and protected by society, simply by virtue of my gender. But like Eve having eaten the apple, I can’t go back.
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And how could I judge anyway? I’ve just told you that before the summer school, I’d been colluding with my friend’s impossible wish to master a martial art without ever experiencing or exploring pain (her own and others’)—as well as doing the same on this summer school. It can’t be right to hurt people who don’t want to be hurt though; so I’m not sure what choice these men really had.
Part of me is somehow drawn to that old-fashioned notion of being cherished and protected by society, simply by virtue of my gender. But like Eve having eaten the apple, I can’t go back. I’m too used by now to men freely sharing their knowledge with me; and to the excitement of hard training.
The hardest part for me about this episode was the soul searching it led to. Questions about how far my own dojo colleagues back home were playing with and pampering me, as a woman trying to be tough. Because how could I have known if they were? The women I met at summer school didn’t seem able to tell.
And more complicated still, how might this dynamic be playing out in my everyday life, without my consciously registering it? And how might it be reversed, with men oblivious to uncomfortable truths, which women understand, but shelter them from?
Lots of questions, and not so many answers. Just a sense of how complex gender “issues” can be; and that sometimes it’s too simplistic to try to find any definitive right answers.
Also by Kai Morgan
The Attraction of Violence | Why do Friends Give Each Other a Hard Time? | Everybody Needs a Little Time Away | The Art of Not Playing Protector |
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Photo: Getty Images
Were the men being kind in keeping the women safe and happy? Or were they being unkind by preventing the women from learning to defend themselves? I think the intention would have been all the former; but there’s arguably also something of the latter in the reality, albeit completely unintentional. Was it the men doing this? Your girl friend seemed more than happy to be on the receiving end of the kidglove treatment in a selfdefence class(!) – two to tango in this. There is at least one study showing that men who engage in lower levels of “benevolent sexism”… Read more »
Speed + strength = [power. Whenever I sparred with a woman, I always intentionally “threw” the match. I’d slo mo some kicks in there if she didn’t take a proper defensive posture or she started goofing. If any of the huys wanted to talk crap about losing to a woman, we’d “discuss” it next time we sparred. Fact of the matter was that I could probably break one of her bones without even scoring a point. On the other hand the holes in my mother’s living room walls and the dent in the metal grate of her living room wall… Read more »
Hi OirishM, everything you say is the whole point of the article. This wasn’t about the men doing anything in isolation; everyone was complicit, including myself . . . The only thing I might challenge you on, is your implying that if the women don’t realise what’s going on, that’s their responsibility, and their problem alone . . .
Well, I specifically made that comment in reference to the martial arts scenario for a reason. It involves hurt caused by physical contact between a man and a woman. Basically, we don’t know whether a given woman is going to react like you – or your mate. And people are so hypersensitive to hurt given towards women – even if it is for entirely acceptable reasons like self-defence training – that things may not simply end with a woman pissed off at being hurt. There can be backlash to this. No, I don’t particularly feel like blaming the guys for… Read more »
“even if it is for entirely acceptable reasons like self-defence training”
Even if it’s for actual self defense.
Excellent article, Kai. A lot of questions that are unanswered and how much culture influences men and women for good or bad.
Thanks as always G 🙂
One more point to make. How effective were the techniques that they were taught and is it a psychological rather than physical thing. I’m not familiar with aiki, but have a friend who’s a nidan. He said that aiki was called the gentle art because you don’t even always have to touch your opponent. He showed me a technique you could use if someone grabbed your wrist with their opposite hand (ie a right handed person grabbing your right wrist). You simply turn your body away pulling his arm across your chest since he hasn’t released the grip. Then you… Read more »
Hi John, no problem about the multiple comments – they are all v interesting and it’s great to hear from you. Aikido can look “fake” and “magical” at the highest levels – as if (for example) you just raise your arm and the other person falls over. However, you can generally only achieve this effect through painstaking, dedicated study of the underlying principles of the movement, and its impact on the other person, over a long period of time. You also need to practice and internalize both “sides” of the technique (i.e. both applying AND receiving it) in order to… Read more »
“Questions about how far my own dojo colleagues back home were playing with and pampering me, as a woman trying to be tough. Because how could I have known if they were? The women I met at summer school didn’t seem able to tell.” Wow… That is the heart of the matter, isn’t it? Fantastic article – and a fascinating look into another culture! Thanks for sharing your experiences!!! I’m sitting here with a sore spot on my left cheek from sparring with a tall man and many sore spots on my back from drilling with a woman roughly my… Read more »
Hi Joelle, yes that is absolutely the heart of it; you are spot on as always. Your dojo sounds great – as you say, you are being pushed and challenged to precisely the level you wish for, so that you can learn and grow, without being destroyed – that’s how it should be for everyone. There’s just one point you make that I disagree with – I think this is the first time I’ve ever disagreed with you on anything 😉 You say, “Maybe if ever push comes to shove, she and her classmates could actually save their own or… Read more »
LOL, no worries about disagreeing – you make a good point. I just now remembered reading about a police officer who took away a gun from a criminal and then handed it back to the guy. That was the way the officer was drilled, so… Yeah. Cheers, and happy blogging to you! Thanks for making me think!
A couple were invited to my high school to teach the girls anti-rape stuff. Of course they made the mistake of having it in an open area and being quite young I made the mistake of being quite vocal in my disdain for their techniques. Well it got back to Sa Bam Nim and as a punishment, I was volunteered to be the tackling dummy at one such class. Some of the techniques they were taught had merit. Once I was told to hold a woman from behind and was never warned that she’d launch the back of her head… Read more »
Hi John, what you say rings very true. But you had better not get me started on the topic of ineffective self defence courses marketed at women; it’s such a sad and frustrating topic . . . (although the head butt they were taught sounds better than the rest of the course . . .).
That’s a tough question. At the dojang, there were 2 women. When we sparred, the women would pair up. The issue is that there were only 2 so if one didn’t show up, as the “smallest” guy at about 130 – 140 pounds Sa Bam Nim would match me with them. When I would spar the women. I would not go at full speed. A 3 kick combination was timed at 2 seconds and 3 punches were timed at 1 second. We timed combinations because guys moved so fast that you couldn’t get anywhere near accurate trying to time one.… Read more »
A woman among women, Kai.
Take care. ;p
…and in case there is question, I mean that in the best way possible. You are inspiring.
thank you DJ 🙂 and thank you for having been my kind, wise and supportive Sempai all along, these last few months. It’s made such a difference. By the way, I wanted to follow up one of your comments from last week, but thought you probably wouldn’t check back to that page now. So will do so here! You said, “There is new study coming about that interprets quite differently, that the closer a man is to authentic masculinity, the more human he is . . . ” Can you give any more details of this, either now, or when… Read more »