Elwood Watson takes on the stereotypes of the “Real Man” for all the single fellas out there.
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Hello guys (guys literally)! We have all heard the conventional wisdom. Real men are economically responsible, strong, rugged, heath conscious, sexually adequate, take care of their families, are chivalrous and are in control of their emotions.
True men are alpha males who are financially successful, in good shape, good in bed, are able to take care of their wife and children, protect their wives or girlfriends, do not cry, break or bend under pressure regardless of how stressful things become.
To put it bluntly – to be a “normal” man means being as close to perfection as possible.
A superman of sorts. Being excellent and exceptional is the standard and anything lesser than is frowned upon.
What is even more telling about the expectations we (at least a sizable segment of society) subscribe to men in our culture is that for a man to qualify as “legitimate,” he is expected to be married or in a committed relationship (preferably married). While not as pronounced in our current 21st century environment as it has been in the past, there is still a common assumption (no matter how quietly) among more than a few people if man is serious about adopting the “rules” of manhood, that he will do the following.
Most likely in this order:
- Find a Respectable Woman
- Cease Pursuing all Other Women
- Get Serious with her
- Purchase a wedding ring
- Get down on one knee and propose to her (hope she says yes)
- Walk down the aisle with her
- Buy a house in the suburbs or exurbs (perhaps live in trendy, urban housing if you are young, super successful professional couple)
- Produce at least two children (possibly more if you can afford it)
- Have a well paying job
- Be faithful to your partner (although we know that men will be men)
To be sure, this sort of mentality is not universal. Nonetheless, it is pretty much the accepted narrative in many quarters. Anyone who deviates from this script is viewed as abnormal or “suspect.” In the case of unmarried single men the stereotypes abound.
Among them are:
- slovenly
- irresponsible
- sexy
- fastidious
- frivolous
- obsessed with sex
- mama’s boys
- immature overgrown men
- gay
- jerks
- possibly closeted pedophiles
Any rational and sane person should be astute to the fact that such stereotypes are just what they are – myths! The fact is that all of the aforementioned stereotypes can apply to married men or men of the majority of these categories regardless of race, age, or socioeconomic class.
While we are gradually evolving, the truth is that we still live in a society where many people still place a high premium on marriage. In fact, I have a friend (now in his second marriage) who came close to having a nervous breakdown in his early thirties due to the fact that he was still unmarried. He was convinced that his entire manhood hinged on being wedded and a family man. He is far from alone. The fact is that there are many people who decide to stay in flawed, problematic, violent, dysfunctional, psychologically unhealthy marriages due to societal pressure or fear of being alone or being seen as a failure.
Over the years, I have had my share of conversations with a few male friends, acquaintances and strangers (yes strangers, usually in coffeehouses or on airplanes) who have discussed dissatisfaction with their current marriages or relationships. To be sure, there are many married men in strong loving, happy stable partnerships.
Applause! Applause! This is great. More power to these bros!
That being said, there are many other men who are single. They tried marriage. For whatever reasons, they either failed or decided to exit from the institution. They have decided not to put a ring on it. They are not interested in pursuing the path of children and family or having a permanent partner. In short, they are content with their lives and bachelorhood suits them just fine. Marital bliss is relationship non grata. In a nation that has a 50% divorce rate (although lately, this statistic has been contested) in some segments of the population it is much higher) perhaps some these unattached men may be on to something.
The truth is that not every person needs to be partnered up. What is a good thing for person a may not necessarily be positive thing for person B. Single people deserve to be treated with as much dignity and respect as their married counterparts. The notion that marriage is the only viable option for men to be fulfilled, cultivate and satisfy their inner brawn, and garner acceptance from the larger society is myopic, patronizing and insulting to those men (or women) who desire a certain degree of social independence. To paraphrase Beyonce Knowles – all the single fellas!!!
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
If males truly felt burdened by being a real man (i.e. provider & protector of women and kids), then how come women make up the largest portion of the world’s poor? Why do about 75% of teenage and adult women work in the US, and out of that percentage, 77% of mothers work full-time? Why do we have child support arrears in the double digit billions in the US where 80% of it is due from non-custodial fathers? Why is child support (and possibly alimony) now owed by both fathers and mothers? Why do we have a 1 in 3… Read more »
Why are you here offering your opinions? Get back in the kitchen where you belong.
If you think my comment is sexist and yours is not, you need to take a long and hard look at yourself.
Another article by yet another whiny male who is selfish & entitled and will reek havoc on a woman’s life emotionally, mentally, and financially by not wanting to fulfill masculine duties. Yet another male wanting to have his cake and eat it too – wanting to be known as a real man deserving of “respect” (i.e. deference) and wants his girlfriend or wife to view him as strong even though he doesn’t do even half of what a real man should be doing. Males who have this author’s thinking correlate strongly with males who are a**holes, selfish, cheap, and lazy.… Read more »
And people wonder why MRAs and MGTOWs are a thing. Are you genuinely this ignorant and self-absorbed or are you just trolling?
Very good article. You make some very sound arguments. Well done.
Thank you.
Elwood Watson,Ph.D.
Author of article
Spot on and to the point as usual Elwood! You don’t beat around the bush, pull any punches and you tell it like is! In short you “keep it real!” Great article!
Great stuff as ever, Elwood. I really look forward to your content because you’re not afraid to say things that other GMP writers are fearful of saying. I tried marriage, got divorced within 4 years after she cheated, and will most likely never get married again. I’m in a relationship at the moment but neither of us particularly want to get married, the main reason being that we don’t see the point when we’re happily child-free and want to remain that way. Marriage really does mean you surrender part of your identity to the other person – that’s just as… Read more »
“After marriage, both sets of parents start feeling they have a right to tell you how to live your life.” But only one is usually right, and it is usually women who are correct when it comes to relationship, childcare, and households issues. even Marriage therapists say that women are smarter in this realm, partly because they read more about these issues than men do, but also due to the sociological context of the society we live in where males take a long time to mature and this being due to the acceptance of the “boys will be boys” attitude.… Read more »
lol @ the female blamelessness once again. You people are so predictable that it’s no longer laughable.
Careful or you’re going to give yourself a serious injury with all that back slapping.
Thankfully, I’m over insulting and sexist crap like this otherwise I would feel inclined to tear you a second rectum.
Thank you C-Bob
Best,
Elwood
Elwood, excellent article. There are so many sex-related stereotypes that we all are burdened by, I hadn’t thought about the all that goes with “being single.” I’ve been married to my wife, Carlin, for 37 years, the third marriage for both of us. It’s hard to remember being single and we tend to interact with many friends who are married. Glad to hear another restrictive aspect of “being a real man” get challenged and hopefully eventually will fall away.
Thank you Jed. I appreciate your positive comments and support.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributor
Good Men Project
Read my comments above. Why don’t men just accept that if they don’t perform positive masculine duties (i.e. providing financially 100% and protecting (supporting) emotionally) that they simply are not real men? Why do women and society have to feed males’ egos by changing the definition of what it means to be a real man even when it is to women & children’s detriment? If you think men and women have interchangeable traits and roles, then just accept being called a woman if you don’t want to perform positive masculine duties and roles. Simple. You can tell women to not… Read more »
As a man who got married when I was 26 due to societal and social pressure (all of my friends were either married or engaged to be married), I decided to be like everyone else “to fit in so-to-speak. In the circles that I traveled in, being single was not acceptable. After all, real men had wives My marriage lasted for 3 miserable years. Divorced and bitter at 29, (our breakup was ugly!), I spent years dealing with mental anguish and depression. I had to undergo counseling. Several of my friends went through bitter divorces as well. I have never… Read more »
Thank you Mitch!
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributor
Good Men Project
So you coasted through life using women for sex (you know it’s using a woman when you don’t take care of her nor offer her commitment) and not taking care of them financially. Prophet Muhammad said that the worst of men are bachelors. Single men are like headless chickens who are players and want free sex.
Slow down Ameerah
The man tells us that he dates occationally.
Nothing in what he writes here give us (youi) the right to conclude that he is one of the men that uses women for sex.
Apart from that I find your comments interesting.
May I ask where in the word you live Ameerah?
Thank you Kim for understanding what I wrote. I appreciate it.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributor
Good Men Project
Not everyone subscribes to your antiquated, suppressive religious beliefs Ameerah. If a man or woman chooses to remain single, they have every right to do so. Marriage is not mandatory. You have badly misunderstood Professor Watson’s article! Or maybe, on the contrary, you did indeed understand what he was saying, yet you have your own agenda.
Ameerah,
I have not coasted through life on anything. Secondly, I have not “used” to use your term, women for sex. I do not roll that way. I treat people with dignity and respect. Perhaps you should give my article another read.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributor
Good Men Project
Excellent article Dr. Watson! The fact is that far too many people get pulled into relationships due to insecurity, peer pressure, loneliness etc… and other factors. People need to do what is best for them and ignore societal pressures.
Thank you Pete.
Great article Elwood. In Australia our national census tells us 40% of men over 18 are single. This seems to astond a lot of people but it is true. These men are a combination of men who chose to be single, whose who have moved out of bad relationships, gays and others who are doing really well. Perhaps they don’t need to be with someone right now. But a lot of our “helping services” fail to target or support them, assuming (wrongly) that all men should be married or as you point out there is something wrong with them. So… Read more »
Thanks!
Thank you, this is what Men Going Their Own Way, or MGTOW is all about. Also read Men On Strike by Helen Smith to see why men are opting out of marriage and fatherhood.
Thank you for the comments and information.
Elwood Watson. Author of article.