With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out the other side.
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Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens.
Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders — coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier.
Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request.
Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and centered.
Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to.
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About Bruce Provda
Bruce Provda is a veteran NYC divorce and family attorney and the founder of a highly successful Provda Law Firm, located at 40 Wall St, New York NY 10005, (212) 671-0936. He doesn’t only deal with contested divorces, child custody and visitation cases, but also has unique skills in mediation. Bruce is also a published writer and contributor to many legal media and editorials.
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This article originally appeared on DivorcedMoms.
Photo credit: I .. C .. U/flickr
I can appreciate the line about not taking responsibility for their part in the divorce. We went to 3 marriage counselors to try and work things out. When they told her what she didn’t want to hear, she wouldn’t go back. After I filed for divorce, I was there when she was served to tell her this doesn’t have to be the end but it was definitely “last call” and she had to make some changes. All she could think was how could I divorce her? The mediator we went to said after 14 years in the business, she had… Read more »
An excellent list. I would only add at least one very blunt, straight-talking friend who can be counted on to tell you what is reality and what isn’t, because with narcissists, especially if you live with one for years, those lines can get blurry.
From my years as divorce mediation paralegal, I can say that it’s difficult for both parties.The non-high-conflict person can’t understand why they’re always under attack, and high-conflict person doesn’t understand why s/he’s always feeling so victimized. Both parties are trying to win their court case, and it can be a nightmare for everybody involved. A skilled mediator or collaborative divorce process can help people get through this better than a judge, in many cases, especially if the parties have their attorneys on board. The High Conflict Institute has great resources for the non-HCP. The BIFF Response website and blog teaches… Read more »
Just starting the process…. But have been documenting for the last year. It is great and informational…to know I am on the right track. Thank-you.
Wow. I wish I had been able to read this advice four years ago. Thankfully, a very good counselor, a few tough friends and a new gf all gave me this combined advice. The truth has played out as written above…time always reveals.
I am part-way through this process myself. Reading your advice has given me the understanding of how he is behaving, what else to expect and how I can minimise his impact. Thank you, thank you, thank you.