Some parts of the English language are less than thrilling.
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1. IT’S THE BEST PART. The person who says this wants you to eat something gross (like the green stuff in the lobster). And they’re lying to you: they know it’s not the best part. If they eat “the best part” in front of you, they’re simply showing off, like that drunk uncle of yours who ate your pet goldfish on a dare in 1983 and ruined Christmas.
2. YOU CAN’T GO WRONG. The person who says this is trying to get you to buy something you don’t need because it’s “on special”. Or they’re trying to rationalize the fact that they just bought something that they don’t need because it was “two-for-one”. More often than not, the person who says “you can’t go wrong” just did.
3. WELCOME TO MY WORLD. The person who says this is a professional victim who resents your pain the way heavy-weight champions resent up-and-coming rivals. They wish to diminish the significance of your pain, take the focus off of you, and place it back where it belongs: on them.
4. STEP UP. The person who says this would like you to believe that they’re exhorting you to do the right thing; more often than not, however, they’re simply trying to get their way by wrapping themselves in the flag of the family, the fatherland, the future (or some abstraction: like liberté, égalité, or fraternité). Saying “this is what’s good for me” or “this is what I want for selfish reasons” would be far more honest. But also far less effective. So they tell you, instead, that it’s time to “step up” for your country, your company, your family, your department, your people, etc.
5. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE. This expression was once uttered in the spirit of John 8:7, wherein Jesus famously tells a group of men who are about to stone a woman to death: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” But it’s now uttered in precisely the kind of sanctimonious spirit Jesus despised: the self-righteous spirit of the Pharisees, who love to perform their good works “on the street corners to be seen by others.” These days, the person who says “check your privilege” is in all likelihood little more than a schoolyard bully who’s trying to silence you.
6. WHEN YOU’RE MY AGE. This is a snooze button masquerading as an argument. Instead of addressing your concerns, the person who says “When you’re my age . . .” forestalls them.
7. KIDS THESE DAYS. Hand-wringing moralism vis-à-vis the young is almost always to be found amongst those with a scandalous capacity for amnesia. The flames of self-righteousness burn most brightly in grownups with a special talent for denial. By contrast, adults with the greatest tolerance for the peccadilloes of youth are invariably those who remember what they were like at that age. Alas, true compassion, and genuine humility, are to be found, more often than not, amongst those blessed (and cursed) with an exceptionally good memory.
8. LEAD, FOLLOW, OR GET OUT OF THE WAY. The true purpose of this stupid expression is to silence dissent, quell criticism, and encourage passivity. The inclusion of the word “lead” in this MBA mantra is dishonest. The person who moralistically admonishes you to “lead, follow, or get out of the way” doesn’t really want you to take the lead. They have no intention of relinquishing control of the situation, addressing your concerns, or reconsidering the wisdom of a particular course of action. They want to lead. And they want you to shut the fuck up.
9. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Much as I’d like to, I just can’t bring myself to believe that everything happens for a reason, or that life (or “the Universe”) is nearly as fair as the Law of Karma suggests. All to the contrary, I think the world we live in is a profoundly unfair place. If we want the world to be a better place—if we want justice—we have to make it happen. We can’t passively sit back and wait for Karma or Divine Retribution to right every wrong and fix everything that’s broken. This is, I think, the true (and profoundly radical) meaning of Marx’s dictum: “Philosophers have hitherto only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.
10. TELL IT LIKE IT IS. Just as a well-meaning desire to please can easily become little more than a fig leaf, used to conceal cowardice, a well-meaning desire to be honest—and “tell it like it is”—can easily become little more than a convenient rationalization, used to condone cruelty, and justify a despicable desire to hurt and humiliate others.
11. IT’S ALL GOOD. Um, no, it’s not.
12. HISTORY’S WRITTEN BY THE WINNERS. Anyone who says that the most memorable histories were written by winners hasn’t read the Old Testament. Losers make great historians. And winners often can’t be bothered: because they’re too busy having fun (enjoying the spoils of war), too busy building and maintaining the empire, or simply illiterate. History isn’t written by the winners; it’s written by those who write. Especially those who write histories. This is the macabre meaning of one of Aaron Haspel’s darkest aphorisms: “The tyrant concerned for his reputation must concentrate his fire on the inarticulate, who don’t leave pesky memoirs behind. Kill peasants, not Jews.”
13. OFF THE CHARTS. In Garrison Keillor’s Lake Wobegon, “all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.” But in the real world, exceptional people are exceptional. If you say “off the charts” often, there’s something wrong with your charts.
14. GAY MARRIAGE. Those who talk about “gay marriage” talk a whole lot about sex but have precious little to say about love. This strikes me as odd because marriage, as I understand it, isn’t primarily (or even mostly) about sex; it’s about love, commitment, and friendship. It’s about fostering the growth of loving families and tightly-knit communities. It was Freud who popularized the idea that love is an illusion and it’s really all about sex. And our culture has been soaking in this idea for a century. What I love about the Platonic view of marriage is that it (implicitly) rejects this reductionist, and, thus far, unproven argument. I subscribe to an older and nobler vision of sexual orientation—one which sees sexuality as a means to an end: the end being love and friendship of an especially profound kind. Your sexual orientation leads you to love. But once you find love, that love grows and flowers to such a degree that it largely transcends sexuality. Though I fully understand why we’re going to have to live with the concept of “gay marriage” for the next little while, I must confess that I’m looking forward to its linguistic retirement. After all, there’s nothing particularly “gay” about gay marriage. One day, in the not-so-distant future, the phrase “gay marriage” is going to sound as silly and superfluous as “straight marriage” or “woman doctor”. I look forward to that day.
15. HE MEANS WELL. The person who tells you that their friend means well wants you to ignore the evidence of your own experience and accept what they’re saying about their friend’s secret intentions on faith. They want you to ignore the long list of shitty things he’s done and said to you over the years, things which would lead most reasonable people to conclude that the guy’s an asshole. Still, much as it pains me to admit it, I must confess that I’m often charmed by this simple faith in a friend. Everyone deserves to have at least one friend like that! A friend who always seems to see the best in you. Even when it’s not there. There’s something so sweet and innocent and touching about these faithful folk, just as there’s something sweet and innocent and touching about kids who still believe in Santa Claus.
16. PRESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS. Then the privileged prick piously proclaimed: “Pressure makes diamonds, son.” To which I wittily responded (years later, in retrospect, and only in my head): “Sometimes it does, you patronizing putz. Pressure does, on occasion, transform a lump of coal into a diamond. But this is the exception, not the rule. Most of the time, pressure just grinds people down: into coal dust.”
—John Faithful Hamer, From Here (2016)
I loved your #3- as I sat here on my computer reading it, I said, “Hey, that’s my first line in my biography.” But then I’m an author and I use this exact phrase as the opening line to my bio. so it’s used in a different context and does not resemble your explanation at all, which is a good thing for me. Just thought it was funny and wanted to share. Loved your blog post!
Number 5 is a silencing tactic used to shut down debate, nothing more, and particularly when it comes to men trying to talk about the unique difficulties of being a man. I am politically on the left and I loathe how certain regressive elements on “my side” think this is acceptable behaviour because they think that privilege negates even the concept of difficulty.