Can the same sympathy exist for male survivors of female abuse , Tim Pylypiuk writes, as it exists for female survivors of male abuse?
Note: The following musings come from a place of venerability and fragility. Please heed before reading.
So, what’s good about Masculinity?
Personally, I’d extend the question to what’s good about being a male survivor of female abuse, not just of the male persuasion. For working beyond the irreparable wreckage of a past littered with shattered glass lying strewn about from broken trust and a damaged disposition is as masculine as you’re going to find. Even putting it all on display takes vemestitude.
It’s not a life of pride; your station emblazoned upon heart like a coat of arms. There’s no ceremony of the blade touching the tip of your head while on one knee with the proclamation of royalty bestowed towards you before an admiring monarchy.
Rather, what makes being a male survivor particularly masculine is its honesty and hard-line affront against disbelief, ostracization, and minimization from the other side. With the provision of unconditional support, that is.
Sadly, these are the only good things about being a male survivor. Otherwise, it’s holding your mirror up to reveal a universal reflection cast in glorious Technicolor by your image, only to have it fogged beyond comprehension by condensation from wilful desires to not see it. Put that nasty thing away.
Then you’re left with loneliness and solitude when all you want is to be heard and considered like any human being with a thirst for their basic human rights.
♦◊♦
Another drawback is where triggers sound the Pavlov-esque bell and the ensuing reactions to follow.
It happened when commenting in Tom Matlack’s piece “Why I Loved ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.'” Where he celebrated not just the character of Lisbeth but the fact that a story like that dared to talk about rape culture.
My own impressions of not just David Fincher’s movie adaption, but of Steig Larsson’s “Dragon Tattoo” book series, is shaped by their roots and origins within the soil that wrap around in a sweet caress and ring the bell.
1) The author failing to save a young girl from a gang rape he was witness to in the past.
Ding.
2) The original title “Men Who Hate Women”
Ding.
3) Daring to talk about “Rape Culture”
Ding.
These tolls combined create vibrations that quake along the threshold. To keep clear of the vault, I stand at a distance and attempt to traverse the other way. Yet, I am unsuccessful as the Richter scale ensnares me, throws me asunder, a victim to the seismic shifts.
Somehow, I thought my structure to be resolutely quake proof. But as countries such as Japan have learned, acres can still be affected powerfully.
Things collapse and crumble. I’m left looking for aid to assist in the relief effort, clothes and skin dishevelled and torn. But the culture is reluctant to tip its fair share of the money pot my way.
♦◊♦
In my haste to share my story, I regret the exclusion of another aversion towards a certain mode of storytelling where rape and abuse are seen from the “Duluth Model” angle of men as default perpetrators and women as default victims, to which the “Dragon Tattoo” trilogy apparently adheres to.
But is that really a drawback to being a male survivor from both male and female abuse? So long as your monsters are female, yes, because the world is made for the majority, not the minority.
An artist I admire so much once said “At the end of the day, we’re all male and female.” I want to add to her statement and say “If the feminine is hurt by the masculine, there’s sympathy. If the masculine is hurt by feminine, there’s revulsion.”
Maybe if I were baptised by the pain and aftermath of having been hurt by the masculine only, if I were a female hurt by a male, rebuilding would come easier. It’d be as if home was never reduced to rubble in the first place and stood like brand new.
I don’t want to turn back time nor intend to stifle any female protagonist from expressing beyond the traditional feminine stereotypes.
I’m just hoping to rebuild in the aftermath when triggers occur so I can sing, “There’s no place like home,” and mean it. Leave a place for survivors like myself in the meantime.
Isn’t that inherent in the goodness of masculinity and being human at the same time?
—Photo notsogoodphotography/Flickr
“An artist I admire so much once said “At the end of the day, we’re all male and female.” I want to add to her statement and say “If the feminine is hurt by the masculine, there’s sympathy. If the masculine is hurt by feminine, there’s revulsion.”” How I wish this wasn’t the case. I wish it was, at the end of the day we are all human and that the roles we seem to have locked ourselves into (some that people say we are hard wired for, but I don’t believe that) were gone. When the masculine is hurt… Read more »
I’m so glad you are still speaking up Tim.
Please Please Please keep it up!
Will do, Danny.
Wow, I don’t know why my comment was deleted!
All I asked was if there are ANY self identified feminists who want to take gender out of the equation and treat domestic violence as a human problem.
Definitely an agenda at play if THAT gets deleted. Good luck with integrity guys.
Your comments were in spam for some reason, not deleted. No agenda. Please know that if there is a cause for banning etc, we’d have contacted you personally.
I would like to treat domestic violence as a human problem and I am a self identified feminist. So, there’s that.
Your posts should be restored, please let me know if there are any missing.
Tim, I had no idea that you were raped by a woman. I somehow missed this and thought you were speaking about having been bullied by girls and boys as a kid, and we had discussed how particularly mean the girls were to you. But I somehow am gathering you are referring to rape, and I apologize for not having understood that before.
Woah, Woah, WOAH! Lori, please!
That’s not true whatsoever.
I was never raped at all by a woman.
I was hurt and abused, yes, but never raped. If you’ll read “Bullied By Girls and Women” again, I identify the groups of people who accepted me but prefaced that their injuries were way worse than mine (ie, raped by women) and I was worried about not fitting in.
So, no I was never raped. Honest truth.
I’m sorry! I read both posts before this one. I don’t know how I got confused. Maybe two nights of only three hours of sleep each?? I was reading along through the comments here and thought, yikes, I missed something important. Sorry Tim. I was trying to acknowledge you and a mistake I thought I’d made, but I was mistaken. Oh, that’s a weird sentence. Anyway, please except my apologies. Must be a senior moment. Take care.
That’s okay, Lori.
Apology accepted.
What If the masculine is hurt by the masculine? Is there’s sympathy or there’s revulsion.”?
Are there any self identified feminists interested in going beyond gender, helping victims and recognizing domestic violence as a human problem?
This article reminds me of the age old question: How can a young man claim abuse from an older woman? Why is it that so many of us believe that men are so over-sexed that we would welcome any sexual advances from the opposite or even same sex? The article makes a good point that it is very difficult for society to see the damage to a man of unwanted sexual activity due to the stereotype I stated above. When I was in college in the sixties, I picked up a hitch hiker in the rain who invited me into… Read more »
Howey, I am sorry that happened to you and sorry that society didn’t leave you enough room to safely process that and begin a healing process until 20 years after the rape. I believe we are seing a shift now. I believe men are beginning to say they’d rather call the things that happened to them by the rightful name: rape and sexual violence and no longer frame it as “see how lucky I got” because of expectations and being in the dark about the possibility that men can be raped too. The 1.1% of men who said so in… Read more »
More than 1.1% said so. The others simply weren’t counted as “rape” in the statistics.
See http://www.genderratic.com/?p=836 for a more complete analysis of the biased definitions the CDC used to skew results to meet expectations.
There should be no revulsion when the masculine is hurt. I’m angered that there is. In my own experience of feminism (and yes by now on this site I know the reaction this will provoke), one of it’s goals was to create a world where that revulsion wouldn’t occur. Where men could experience feelings of pain and not have the reaction be erasing. Obviously, this is not the experience that many men share, at least those that comment here on the site. I’m angered that anyone’s pain and experience of abuse would be minimized. Those triggers are mental/emotional experiences many… Read more »
Whats your position on feminism covering up abuse that’s not male perpetrated Julie?
For example,the suppression of information about female perp’d child abuse in Australia that I linked to above.
I think any political group that covers up the abuse of human beings for their own ends is bullshit.
Ok. Its nice to see a self identified feminist that does not support or excuse this in some way shape of form.
Julie, thanks for being another feminist who won’t put up with this “Male Victims Don’t Count” or “Male Victims Are Priveledged So They Shouldn’t Whine” or “Women Have It Worse” deflections.
If you wish, please read “Bullied By Girls And Women: One Man’s Account” and “Survivor’s Tales”. For the latter, read the stories of male abuse victims in particular in the commentary section. You’ll hear more stories similiar to mine albeit with worser injuries though.
It’s interesting to note that the sidebar advertisement for endabuse.org doesn’t recognize male victims of anything.
Relevant Tim, feminism having just excluded rape by envelopment victims in the US, is now actively suppressing information on all female on child abuse in Australia
http://www.avoiceformen.com/feminism/feminist-lies-feminism/australia-abandons-its-children-to-abuse/
There is a general disbelief and lack of empathy for men dealing with these issues.
The distinction of the perpetrator should have little bearing on empathy for male survivors of abuse. Any system dealing with victims should not be focused on the gender of the perpetrator.
Ton – in answer to your root question the answer is yes – but unfortunately getting some to accept that reality requires a Whip and a Chair!
I’m Tired Of – “And The band Played On”.
As I have said elsewhere and as I will say here from now on
” Tell us what to do so that we don’t annoy you – and give us the QUALITATIVE barrier that even one man has to exceed so that he is not a number but a Human Being!”
https://goodmenproject.com/gender-sexuality/rape-culture-men-women-power/comment-page-3/#comment-91152
You just keep up the good work!
Media Hound, may I have your email address? I”m at [email protected]. I’d like to ask permission to use a quote from one of your comments for a piece.
Julie you can quote me freely – it’s all public domain.
Simple accurate attribution and clear facts is all that is required! P^)
It’s not much to ask.
I think he means that it doesn’t matter who hurts the masculine (male or female) , there is revulsion.
Almost right.
“If the feminine is hurt by the masculine, there’s sympathy. If the masculine is hurt, period, there’s revulsion.”
Yeah you got a point there.
Actually, Mjay, could you clarify what you mean?
Sorry about that.