In search of the real thing? Let’s make a conscious choice to change the conversation.
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We’re having a moment in history where most of us would be completely lost without our smart phones. Technology is helping us share information faster than ever before. Information about boundless topics is simply at our fingertips. But, as many have already noted, it also seems to breed a desolate social desert of loneliness and isolation. This Huffington Post video pretty well captures the picture.
It was only natural that we would start utilizing our smart phones to help us meet our mate just as we use our phones for almost every other aspect of our day-to-day. But do we ever really “get real” online?
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Technology has really changed the face of match-making, to the point where just the utterance of “online dating” is groan-inducing for most. But it’s a huge part of the current technology landscape. It was only natural that we would start utilizing our smart phones to help us meet our mate just as we use our phones for almost every other aspect of our day-to-day. But do we ever really “get real” online?
I have a huge love/hate relationship with the online dating machine, as do most people I know. And from what I read online, my friends and I aren’t alone in searching for the real thing and finding it sadly missing in the online dating action. Perhaps I’d be raving about sites like Tinder if I had met my match by now. But, recently I noticed that I’ve become increasingly jaded and judgmental, which isn’t a good place to work from in my quest to find love.
Here’s the internal dialogue I caught myself using while scrolling through possible connections:
Picture with mom = mama’s boy. NEXT!
Picture with car = materialistic prick. NEXT!
Picture with all of his friends = I’m too lazy to take the time to find out which one he is. NEXT!
Picture with a beer in his hand = he’s an alcoholic. NEXT!
He announces immediately he’s a banker = immediate douchebag. NEXT!
Wow, I’m probably wrong about at least half of these guys at least half the time, but the half I’m not wrong about has turned me off of the rest.
Overall, I l felt safe with my assumption that every guy on Tinder is just looking for sex. Why even bother right? But it’s not just the guys looking for sex, and it’s not just the women who aren’t all about the hook-up. I’ve seen a number of men who write in their tiny profile box, “No hook-ups please” or even “If you are looking to snap-chat pictures of your vagina please move on.” First off, vagina pictures? Really? That’s a thing now? But seriously, it gives me hope that there are other people out there who are just as disgusted with the whole process as I am.
This is what we’ve done with technology: “YES! You too can find love, lust, dirty pics, and dirty minds with just a swipe. Swipe to the left to say goodbye. Swipe to the right to say hello and hope they did the same. You can literally swipe through about 20 photos in 20 seconds if you want to. The dating scene has become completely visual completely based in the physical.
Let’s be real, love that lasts is all about chemistry, connection, and compatibility, and that cannot ever be captured in the digital or visual realm.
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Yet, anyone looking for love knows that is only the tiniest portion of a relationship. Let’s be real, love that lasts is all about chemistry, connection, and compatibility, and that cannot ever be captured in the digital or visual realm.
Even casual turn-ons don’t show up in pictures. For instance, my turn on’s? A man with a deep sexy voice, gorgeous eyes, a strong subtle confidence, and manners for days. A gorgeous picture, a hot car, a stellar career, or all the other things people brag/lie about in their profiles won’t really give me a clue if the guy in question is going to be a hit or a miss. I’ve dated guys in the past where my friends have turned to me and said, “Really? Him?” I couldn’t figure out what the fuss was about. He did it for me. There was something sexy, raw, elegant, and perfectly un-perfect about this man. Was he classically handsome? Absolutely not. But our chemistry was off the charts and when he walked into a room I couldn’t peel my eyes away. Would I swipe right (saying yes) to this man in Tinder? Probably not. And that makes me wonder what I might be missing.
What if we started a Tinder revolution? I played with the idea with some other disgruntled friends of mine, both men and women, and we’ve agreed we’re all In Search of the Real Thing which, since every revolution needs a hashtag, becomes #ISOtherealthing.
What if we all made a conscious decision to change the dialogue? For instance, I’m guilty of putting out a “stay away you pervert” vibe, and I wonder if it creates a “stay away all you healthy and available men who are looking for the real thing and also like hot sex” message in my profile.
I’m 35 and I’d like to find a meaningful relationship. I’m at a point in my life where REAL matters. And I know I’m not alone in my sentiments. But I think what happens in a digital space is that because the focus is visually based and by consequence, a bit superficial, we all come into the arena with our gloves on. How do you find or create substance in a substance-free platform? Maybe we can’t change the tool, but we can definitely change how we use it.
I’m throwing the hashtag into my Tinder feed and seeing what happens. Maybe it’ll create a fun dialogue for those who can breakdown what “ISO” means. Maybe it’ll cause disdain and disgust and I’ll be told I’m “just a bit too Pollyanna.” (Yes, a comment I’ve received in the past, but hey, that’s the REAL me.) Whatever happens, I think it’s a nice start.
Technology is helping us expanding our knowledge and our understanding of the world and how to connect, but in this mad dash for information we seem to have lost sight of the most important part: the connection itself.
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I’m also going to explore the idea of my images as a virtual flip book. We each get the opportunity to upload six images. What if we used that space to tell a story, rather than just throwing in shots of us at the bar with our buddies or the latest selfie we took just to get a photo up into the atmosphere. What type of story do you want to tell? Would you write a poem? Do a dance? Present a gift? Show yourself engaged in your favorite activity? Give thoughtful and meaningful examples of things in your life that give you purpose and you hope to share with your mate? What if we all made a mindful effort to create a representation of our REAL selves online?
It’ll be interesting to see if this concept catches fire. I wonder if there are other lone wolves in this ferocious wilderness of overstimulation and visual noise who crave a higher moral playground. Technology is helping us expanding our knowledge and our understanding of the world and how to connect, but in this mad dash for information we seem to have lost sight of the most important part: the connection itself.
I want a real, deep, passionate, meaningful relationship. Does this make me a prude? Absolutely not. I realized in my profile by staying “not interested in hook-ups” I’m not being totally REAL. I want hot sex, just like the rest of us! But the sex I want is intimate, mind-blowing, and with my best friend. That’s what makes it hot, for me. And that is not just a click away. It takes time to build trust, communication and commitment. A hash-tag communicating that credo seems is a nice way to start. I’m #ISOtherealthing – how about you?
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Additional Photos: Flickr/Jacky W. David Merrett Barry Pousman istolethetv Todd
Awesome, and I see this as really being a bit of a companion piece to what I published earlier this week. Good job. We should brainstorm and start a new dating website. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-mating-and-procreating-require-effort-from-you-rbsk/