Relationships are hard. Daniel Dowling has a unique approach that will help you overcome the challenges.
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Warning: reading this article will make casual relationships less appealing—read at your own risk
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The thing that pulls us into relationships is the same thing that repels us from them. We want to be reminded of how unique and awesome we are, and there is no better mirror to reflect that person than a new lover. So we feel alive in the first stages of a relationship, we feel fun and we feel free. But our partners will also reflect the bad in us, and we can only turn a blind eye for so long.
This is why entering relationships without a commitment to personal growth is harmful to our health. It’s like driving with a blindfold. It’s harder to remind yourself of the good things in yourself, but that is what makes your character. If you can make a habit out of seeing the best in yourself and improving your actions, then there will be no one to pull the rug out from underneath you in a relationship.
If our partners didn’t mirror the flaws that we carry, there would be no way to grow within a relationship.
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Doubly hard is reminding yourself of the undesirable traits that you haven’t grown out of. But, if you are unwilling to search that out for yourself, no one else can have any hope of showing you. People who aren’t intent on personal growth cannot grow in a relationship; though it will be easier to see their flawed actions mirrored by their partner, they won’t recognize the flaws as their own to change.
What signals are you giving off in a relationship?
When we enter relationships without a routine of self development, we won’t tolerate any of the negative truth we see in the mirrors of our partners; we won’t take ownership. So the faults and flaws of our own behavior will be projected onto the people we relied on to see the best in ourselves. And when that happens we don’t feel safe in their presence any more, so we become invulnerable and send signals that say, “I can’t grow with you.”
Those signals directly impact the behavior of your partner. They will either withdraw to escape the pain or assail you with “neediness” and nagging, depending on how emotionally responsive they are.
If you aren’t disciplined in reminding yourself how special and amazing you are, you’ll give yourself away to someone who hasn’t earned the privilege of caring for your deepest parts; you will be let down.
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It may seem like a cruel twist of fate, but this force of nature in relationships is actually to our highest benefit. If our partners didn’t mirror the flaws that we carry, there would be no way to grow within a relationship. Since the point of living is to learn and grow, it would be cruel if relationships didn’t play out this way for non-growth minded people; there would be absolutely no incentive to change and to expand. Everyone would be a zombified, soul-sucking…something or other.
Relationships are hard so that we can grow through them
The fact of mirroring is why romantic relationships are not for casual purposes; relationships are designed specifically for growth. In the context of truth seeking and personal development, relationships are the ultimate tool to know and appreciate yourself and others better. But arriving at a point where relationships are appropriate for your growth requires a fully developed relationship with yourself first.
If you aren’t acknowledging the flaws that you carry and the errors you make by yourself, there is no hope for you in a romantic relationship. If you don’t know yourself intimately, have your own back and encourage your greatest growth, no one can grow with you. And if you aren’t disciplined in reminding yourself how special and amazing you are, you’ll give yourself away to someone who hasn’t earned the privilege of caring for your deepest parts; you will be let down.
A person’s history in relationships is the ultimate indicator of their personal commitment to themselves.
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When relationships are used as an escape from bringing out the best within yourself, they will crumble. But only for your benefit, because a life without growth is no life at all. So, if you’ve had “bad luck” in relationships, be glad that you are still capable of growing. If you could stay in a relationship without your partner mirroring the flaws you carry, you would rot and become nothing of consequence. But the fact that you have crashed and burned in relationships is the ultimate sign that you are destined for something far greater IF you take up the responsibility to grow. Every single day.
Traits you can develop before your next relationship
The following is a list of traits that will prevent your growth in a relationship:
- Casual relationships
- Casual sex
- Pornography
- Lack of personal goals
- Habitual boredom
- An unmotivated and underachieving circle of friends
- An aversion to responsibility
- An aversion to sacrifice
- A desire for an easy life
- A sense of entitlement
- A lack of challenges
- A lack of adventure
- A fear of trying new things
- A fear of commitment
- Pridefulness; a sense of infallibility
Here is a list of traits and behaviors that will prepare you for unlimited growth and success in your relationships:
- A desire to be challenged
- A willingness to accept fault
- A willingness to improve on faults
- A ferocious desire to learn and to improve
- A playful and fun loving attitude
- A willingness to make sacrifices for the things you love.
- A willingness to endure suffering in order to create the life you want to live.
- A habit of constantly improving your actions
- A habit of questioning what is considered normal
- An eagerness to help others through your passions.
- A habit of breaking your comfort zone to experience new things
- A respect for life
- And most of all: a burning desire to seek and obtain truth.
Conclusion
If your relationships haven’t ended well, consider falling in love with yourself first. Fall in love with the gifts you have to share. Fall in love with the challenge of growing as a person each day. Then you’ll be so focused on kicking ass that you won’t need a relationship to be happy. And that is why you’ll find the unconditional love of your life.
Originally published on DowlingWriter.com
Photo—mrhayata/Flickr
This article came up at the right time for me. I am going through this now. I broke up with my gf or I should say she broke it off with me because I got complacent and ignored her. I was unhappy. Now that I lost her I want to get her back. She is currently seeing someone but we speak and text everyday. She said to me that if we are going to fix this and see where we are headed she needs to see where this relationship goes. Which I am fine with because I need to get… Read more »
C, thanks for reading and appreciating the article. With all of your research and effort, I don’t doubt that you’ll bring a great “C” into a lasting relationship! Thanks again for your support,
D
This article was amazing! I really enjoyed the points that were made here. I have been single for a while now and have read just about everything that deals with dating and relationships as well as self improvement. This article introduced some new thoughts and ideas from a prespective that I have not come across in any of the other materials that I have read. I am hopeful that when love does come along again for me that I can keep these concepts in mind and have a more lasting and fruitful bond.
Daniel,
This was an amazing article that is great for relationship-building AND self-growth. I appreciate that you packed it with valuable information rather than make it a short basic article. Thanks for your dedication! 🙂
Whoa, Nhien,
What a compliment!! I’m thrilled that you enjoyed the article, and could get a lot out of it. Thanks for your readership and support–happy holidays!
Thank you, Silke! Fantastic to have such an engaging and curious member of the audience like yourself.
Hi Silke, Thanks for enjoying the article. This article is certainly directed at people who are capable of dating or having a relationship. With how much there is yet to discover in each one of us, it is astonishing to think that boredom would lead to a relationship. But, with how externalized and lusty this world has become, most of our inner world lies completely untouched. We don’t know ourselves mostly. If we did, we’d have acceptable standards of treatment that would weed out partners who don’t respect us. But that is not the case. We don’t know ourselves so… Read more »
I agree and look forward to your next article!
Hi Daniel This is an interesting article and I learned a lot reading it. Still it also made me upset. It can be hard to read this article for all those that never had a chance to date or a chance to have a relationship. Many men here on GMP tell us they have no luck in dating ,online or in real life. You seem to take for granted that everyone has somebody to start a romantic relationship with. Health can also make it difficult for many to find someone. And more people have heatlh problems than we think ,… Read more »
I have heard the same thing, Silke, in an online group for introverts. They complain that they have an almost impossible time even getting a date, let along having an ongoing relationship. It’s frustrating…almost like that old saying that you have to have money to make money. Where does one start?
I found the title to be alittle misleading. As you say, the body of the post assumes you’ve been in a relationship.