Nate Bagley is giving up being a nice guy in favor of being a better, more honest partner.
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For as long as I can remember, I’ve proudly worn the label of “nice guy.”
As the “nice guy,” I felt it was my duty to make sure my significant other was always happy… and more importantly, I felt it my duty to make sure that I was never the source of her unhappiness. I am the “nice guy” afterall, and only jerks cause unhappiness, right?
The paranoia of accidentally hurting a girl’s feelings was my worst nightmare. I didn’t want to lose my “nice guy” status, and get labled as a player or a jerk.
I found great pride in my ability to be kind, rational and tactful.
But kindness, rationality, and tact does not a “nice guy” make. I was falling short in one important area: Honesty.
Being honest is not easy.
Honesty is the foundation of trust, and you cannot have love without trust.
The hard thing about being honest is that it means you have to embrace the truth… and the truth can be painful. But “nice guys” don’t like to inflict pain… remember?
As a result of my well-intentioned “niceness,” I know there are many girls that will attest to the fact that I have not really done a very good job at being nice.
At all.
Not even a little bit.
In the past, when things start to go amiss in a relationship or I start to feel weird, I bury the feelings. I bottle them up rather than addressing them. Those bottled-up feelings turn into resentment. In the midst of that resentment, I push away the people (or person) I care about most which typically results in the end of a relationship. And the relationship typically ends without explanation or closure.
Then if the girl seeks out closure, I feed them a convenient and well thought-out lie that is far easier to swallow than the truth… at least easier for me to swallow. Rarely would my excuses for “fizzling” or ending a relationship without explanation paint the “nice guy” in a bad light.
Because remember, I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Let’s be honest, that sounds more like a jerk than a “nice guy.” The “nice guys” can be the biggest jerks, and we don’t even realize it.
I think at the heart of every “nice guy” is a guy whose true fear isn’t that of hurting others by expressing the truth. It goes much deeper than that. A nice guys’ fear is that honestly expressing the truth will make him unworthy of love.
If I tell her about my dark past, what if she turns and heads in the oppsite direction?
If I let her know that it drives me crazy to listen to her eat, will she think I’m nit-picky and therefore not worth the while?
If I tell her that I’m scared about how fast things are moving, or that I’m not ready for intimacy, or that I’m not comfortable with PDA, she might think I’m not the one for her, she might think I’m emotionally immature, she might think I don’t desire her, or she might see me as less of a man.
The fear of the worst possible scenario is paralyzing. The fear of rejection, lonliness, and being not-enough ironically fuels the exact behavior that will prevent the “nice guys” from ever experiencing genuine connection, affection, and love.
The thing I’m realising is that the truth is inescapable, and it always has a way of catching up to us.
The truth is at the heart of every relationship. It’s the foundation of trust, and love.
Being the guy who is honest, who embraces the truth regardless of how scary or ugly it is, is far more important than being the guy who is “nice” or well-liked. Inviting the truth into your relationships, and trusting the people you care about to handle it with grace and poise is honorable, and can even be exciting. It provides opportunities for growth and improvement… and really, that’s what it’s all about, right?
My new goal is to give up the title of “nice guy,” and embrace the truth, regardless of how difficult and uncomfortable it might be for me. Nice guys (and girls) of the world, I invite you to join me.
Let’s embrace the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Originally appeared at The Loveumentary
I too have not been honest because of fear of losing my title as mr nice guy. thank you for writing this.
So I guess I’m left wondering if nice guys really aren’t nice guys, then why do women talk about finding nice guys to date? I think at the heart of every “nice guy” is a guy whose true fear isn’t that of hurting others by expressing the truth. It goes much deeper than that. A nice guys’ fear is that honestly expressing the truth will make him unworthy of love. That fear doesn’t come from nowhere. I think when it comes to the nice guy conversation there is sometimes a bit of a rush to judge such guys as being… Read more »
So… The point here isn’t that being nice guys turn people bad, but that you’re just bad as being a nice guy? The role of the “nice guy” isn’t just to make people feel better and compliment them and keep themselves from doing anything bad. The role of the “nice guy” is to help people BE better. Being honest about things and all of that doesn’t break the nice guy routine, it makes it. A part of being that nice guy is being able to be trusted with AB-SO-LUTE-LY anything and get the utmost respect and honesty out of you… Read more »
Though, a nice guy is tactful about when to tell a white lie and it’s typically nothing big when they do.
You sure about that ?
Cause it darn sure ain’t sound like that when reading the article…
I’d love to see a female partner (or a mother bringing up a young boy) reward and praise a male for being honest even if it is not nice. I’ve never ever seen that. Until that starts happening, this article doesn’t have much traction.
I’m a 31 year old woman. I have absolutely done this. My situation is incredibly complicated and far more damaged than ‘just’ this – but I have. Unfortunately the man was unable to hear it, emotionally.
We do exist.
Honesty and kindness aren’t easy. My “nice guy” persona attempts to be nonjudgmental, to accept people as they are, and this might be a noble goal, but it also comes out as being entirely noncommittal on personal preferences. My most fun example, when I had to help make a decision between two kittens, one white with orange spots, and the other entirely white. At first I refused to decide which one I liked better, so when my opinion was forced, I went off alone to think and decided to flip a coin, and it came up the white cat. I… Read more »
It’s also important to some extent to not let your partners “be nice”. If they seem to have feelings they aren’t expressing, give them the opportunity. Think about whether they are getting what they want in life, and be involved. My relationships that were hurt by my “nice guy” behavior were as much on my partner as me. I spent the entire relationship feeling as if I was intruding by making any attempt to express myself. There was just never time for my problems. I came to the conclusion that my partner was not interested in me as a person,… Read more »
This article totally captures what I used to be like in my earlier relationships, and what I hope I’ve largely left behind. I’d almost say “you get it,” if that wasn’t a totally assholishly patronizing thing to say to a person. What I’ve also come to realize more and more is how a lot of “niceness” is just completely dishonest. This is true for both men and women, by the way. Maybe there are different gendered definitions about “being nice,” but both are taught very insincere kinds of niceness. A lot of what people are taught about niceness is really… Read more »
I found life got better after I stopped being so afraid to say what I mean, even if it pisses her off. I have female friends ask me about those god awful wedge shoes and I told them straight. Being too nice is a waste of time.
Who said “nice guys” aren’t honest? This article doesn’t sound like a “nice guy” to me. It sounds like a cowardly guy. Look…I’m a nice guy. I am the guy that treats women with respect, gives up their seat to the elderly, hell, I’m even nice to animals…That doesn’t mean I let everything walk all over me. That also doesn’t mean that I am not honest, and that if you do something that is unacceptable that I don’t let you know about it. I think people get “nice guy” mixed up with “push over” too much these days, and they… Read more »
I think this article captures perfectly the idea of the “perfect nice guy” vs the “imperfect, yet attempts to be considerate, human” We too often expect everyone (including ourselves) to be some artificial idea of “perfect” when the only way humans can achieve perfection, is by being in perfect harmony with ourselves, and then communicating that to everyone else as best we can.
it’s still not going to give us a perfect life, but it will be a little better.
I think this article captures perfectly the idea of the “perfect nice guy” vs the “imperfect, yet attempts to be considerate, human”
I’ve thought that “considerate” was part of having nuance and compromise in a relationship.
But I rarely see much if any of that in all articles like this one.
These aren’t nice guys, they’re just suck-ups, teacher pets, politically correct folk who tell you want you want to hear. Nice guys don’t pander. Nice guys don’t cajole. Nice guys are honest beyond words but also actions. Nice guys don’t go bars, but coffeeshops. Nice guys don’t fornicate, get drunken wild, don’t do drugs, don’t brag about skipping class or slacking off at work. Nice guys go to church. Nice guys go to the public library. Nice guys give up their seats to ladies on the subway and bus. Nice guys help blind and elderly cross the street. Nice guys… Read more »
“Nice guys go to church.”
Bullshit. Most nice people I know do not go to church, doesn’t make them any less nice. Infact a lot of really bad people I know have gone to church too.
wow, just wow! thank you for the great article nate. i know i’ve been paralyzed by those same fears of hurting anyone, so much so that you end up hurting them so much worse. struck very very close to home. gonna keep this one bookmarked and refer to it daily.
and parfait, wow, you couldnt be more wrong. nice guys are honest. plain and simple.
I can personally attest to the truth of this article. I was so dishonest I was even lying to myself. We need to be able to provide our whole selves to a relationship to make it strong. Coming out to myself and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with as bisexual was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but our marriage has done nothing but grow stronger and into a wonderful family since then. Live your truth, don’t repress it.
Good luck embracing your new role. I think the honesty will serve you much better in your relationships – for you and those you are involved with.
A dishonest person is not a nice person.
Being honest is part of being nice. Don’t tar everyone with the same brush. If people think you are nice, then you’re a nice guy. It isn’t a label and shouldn’t be a label. Everyone is different. Just because you thought you were a nice guy doesn’t make it so, nor does this article apply to everyone who is genuinely nice. There aren’t just three types of men out there, there are millions. And those that are genuinely nice to other people doesn’t mean they are under this silly label of ‘nice guy TM’ or whatever garbage the internet calls… Read more »
Excellent article. Hits close to home, especially the below statement.
“And the relationship typically ends without explanation or closure”
There are times when nothing really bad happened to end it. “I” just happened. I bottle up all my feelings, it turns into resentment, until there is no turning back. And then of course, you end up missing what you lost. It’s hard for me to trust anyone so it takes a while for me to open up to others but being “honest” is a work in progress. Baby steps I guess.
Beautifully done, Nate! You captured the “nice guy” nuances perfectly.
For those who haven’t read Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, it can be illuminating…sometimes blinding. I had clients tell me they cried getting into Chapter 2. It’s not everyone’s story…but a lot of us.
I’ll check out your site. I’d be happy to contribute any way I can.
About honesty? Everyone seems to want it until you tell them the truth. It’s tricky! ;^)
Damn straight I cried Steve, cried long and hard and then for the first time in my life I sincerely asked my wife for forgiveness for all the crap I consciously and unconsciously put her through.
This book changed my life in a very permanent and positive way. I find it still a struggle to not fall back into my old ways of being dishonest, but when I fall off the wagon so to speak, I know how to get back on thanks to dr Glover.
This is a book every man (and every female feminist) should read.
Steve,
Thanks for the kind words. That book is at the top of my list right now. I’m excited to tear into it.
I’d love to have you contribute to the site. Drop me a line via the contact page, or just shoot me an email at loveumentary[at]gmail[dot]com.