Brian Carter with some positive words for the nice guys.
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First and foremost, you’re in your 20’s, which means you’ve only been interested in the opposite sex for give or take five to 10 years.
Here’s the first smack in the face: You’re saying that nice guys finish last, but when you really think about it, you aren’t anywhere near your prime.
To all of my sensitive guys who find themselves lost in emotion, because the women they want reject them: The nice guy will never finish last. Here’s why:
Lesson 1: Find yourself
Do you know what you want? Is it love? Is it happiness?
It is extremely rare in this day and age to simply find the love of your life. Bless the people who have, but don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t one of those few. First, you haven’t matured enough to know who you are. Are you truly comfortable in your own skin? What makes you tick? You can’t expect someone else to fall in love with you when you don’t love yourself. Look at your surroundings. Do you like what you see?
Are you happy with the things in your life? If you can’t answer those questions with a “hell yeah,” then you aren’t ready to give yourself to someone else. Second, this isn’t the 1920s, with men going to work and women staying home. We couldn’t be more fortunate to have so much diversity. Women are independent, which is attractive, but this doesn’t mean chivalry should be forgotten. If you’re nice, then use it to your advantage. Buy flowers, tell a lady she’s gorgeous and be a romantic. This is your edge.
Live, smile and enjoy your life because positive people attract others. Find your personal value and run with it. There is nothing more attractive than being yourself, whether it’s dancing like an idiot, or an intellectual conversation—those are some striking qualities.
Lesson 2: The wrong woman
Enough is enough. I hate seeing people hurt when it can be prevented. Why do you keep chasing after women that treat you like sh*t? Sure I hear you, “they’re sooo attractive,” but that isn’t all you want in the long run, so cut it out. If the woman treats you like dirt and wants to be with an assh*le, let her go.
Figure out what you want in a woman. Think about it, if you aren’t an assh*le, don’t go after females that like them. If you don’t know what you want, then you can’t beat yourself up when you’re left with nothing.
So guys, don’t try to change yourself to cater to someone who doesn’t relate to you. If you enjoy writing poems, then by all means write poetry to the woman you want to be with. Do things to put yourself out there instead of pretending you don’t care. Women deserve to be treated well and you have a much bigger chance of being with the woman of your dreams if you continue to be who you are. Nice guys finish first.
Originally posted at Elite Daily
* Modified slightly from the original post.
— photo Elvert Barnes / Flickr
About the author: Brian Carter lives in South Florida as an entrepreneur, writer, and photographer. He looks to inspire others with his writings by getting out and living a spontaneous life. Brian is best known for his kind heart and bottomless stomach.
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There are many types of women out there Nistan. Many of them exceeding your narrowly defined roles of both Type One and Type Two.
It’s also pretty demeaning and strange how you repetitively try to associate grown women to children.
I associate women to children because that’s how most of them (don’t) communicate what they want. Look at it this way, let’s forget the genders. If you met a person that was extremely vague with what it wanted, and when and if you guessed wrong about what it wanted society blamed you, calling you insensitive and dense. But if it was in reverse, and you yourself would have things you found hard to communicate to this person, it doesn’t try to look deeper into what you wanted. Also, you are branded a coward, dishonest and a creep when the person… Read more »
To all the Nice Guys that have been finishing last (and frankly I think its dishonest to presume that they never finish last or to assume that only reason that havent found someone is because they are not nice) you have to have hope and will. Hope to know that just because you haven’t found a woman yet doesn’t mean that no one is out there for them. This can be especially hard if you have already been alone for a a very long time. Will to be able to act. To keep yourself in shape (and by shape I… Read more »
Best advice is to stop caring so much of what women think. You’ll end up chasing your tail trying to please a non-existent monolith. Just be you, try find confidence (one of the sexiest attributes for men), don’t get down about rejection, get rid of all negative people if they aren’t good for you. I see so many men just agreeing with what women say or think and never having a damn backbone and the women can sense that. Don’t be a doormat, if a woman asks me about her dress or shoes I will tell her straight and not… Read more »
No matter how fervently one believes in unicorns, doing so does not increase the likelihood that one will show up on your doorstep tomorrow.
There are two ways around the obvious, which is that women are much more attracted to sociopaths: 1) Be a sociopath, or 2) Go MGTOW. It is pointless to wait for something that isn’t coming
On this topic, men and women are not as different from themselves as they believe. What some men believe are women looking for the “bad boy”, some men are also apparently looking for their own version of the “bad girl”. Those that look for the “bad girl/boy” are looking for those with the bigger than life looks and actions to create exicitment in their life. But when you feel good about yourself, when you are happy with what you worked for, you stop looking for other people to fill up those places . You begin to see the value, much… Read more »
I think what strongly contributes to that effect is that somehow many men operate under the rather Victorian notion that beauty equals goodness. I often catch myself having difficulties to even consider that a girl/woman might be shallow, stupid, crazy or mean if she looks good. I wonder what planted that idea into our (male) heads. It can’t be genetics, can it? Women seem to be much less subject to it. And we men also only have it where women are concerned. I have no problem whatsoever thinking badly about a gorgeous looking guy. What are we doing to give… Read more »
I think the best way to stop it is to teach guys they don’t have to base their lives around women honestly.
@Danny,
Men can based their lives around women if they so desire. But, as Theorema stated, beauty has zippy to do with goodness.
I avoid all “hot” women. They have been hit on so many times they probably have holes! I know many of them have had of lot sex with a shit load of different men. I pass!
Men can based their lives around women if they so desire.
Oh if they want to do so on their own accord that’s cool but that’s not always the case.
I avoid all “hot” women. They have been hit on so many times they probably have holes! I know many of them have had of lot sex with a shit load of different men. I pass!
I personally don’t hold that against them in and of itself.
Jules, I’m kind of shocked that statement came from you. It’s a reverse judgement. They’ve been hit on some many times they have holes? Wow. That sounds really disrespectful. And all beautiful women have had a ton of sex with a shit load of different men? A) Maybe they have. Does that make them bad people? B) You can not guess the sexual history of someone based on looks alone. C) I know lots of beautiful women that do not have high numbers. It sonuds like you don’t go for really hot women, not because you don’t think their hot,… Read more »
I appreciate your honesty Theorema Egreguim. I don’t believe that thought process is genetic. I do believe it’s something imparted on us through socialization about beauty being women’s biggeset defining factor. And possibly not even just beauty but a woman’s willingnus to conform to socially accepted standards of beauty. Danny, how about teaching boys/men not to base how they value women based on the amount of lust that a woman envokes in him? I see men bend over backwards and cater to women for simply being good looking and then turn around and ignore, or not even offer any kindness… Read more »
We are talking about the way men value women through their looks. We aren’t simply talking about men who loose their identity to women in general.
And with that in mind don’t you think its worth it for guys to see that they don’t need to “bend over backwards” for women (for any reason) as if that is the only way to prove their worth?
I don’t think someone should “bend over backwards” for someone if it’s insincere or you think it’s going to “win” you points. But I see nothing wrong in romantic partners “bending over backwards” for those they love.
I also am not sure who these men are that are “bending over backwards”. Most men I go out with don’t even want to buy you a cup of coffee anymore. Even when you’re the one to make more of the effort to come to them.
” Most men I go out with don’t even want to buy you a cup of coffee anymore.”
Why should they? Women can earn their own money and don’t need men to buy them stuff.
Because I don’t think the only reason a man does a kind thing for a woman is because a woman couldn’t do it for herself. I think men do kind things for women because he wants to be kind and wants to show her that this means a little more to him then just a “buddy” thing. Plus, I don’t mind some traditionalism. And I am looking for a man that would also like to configure a way to balance traditional gender roles with our modern lives. I don’t mind doing the laundry if he mows the lawn. I don’t… Read more »
Well of course. You don’t mind traditionalism as long as it suits you. But as far as the “traditional” rules that don’t suit you, e.g. Being subservient to your man and such, well…
Therorema, I wanted to add something else. We may have the opposite problem with women when it comes to men at times. I agree tha women can have no problem thinking badly about a goregous guy. Assuming that he is just some kind of player who uses women when he may be perfectly nice. I know I’ve been guilty of that. Partially do to early experiences with the popular boys in high school and the socialization of media where you hardly ever see a very attractive male fall for or take a more homely girl, or a girl who simply… Read more »
Too often we believe that it’s only women looking for bad boys. Men do this just as much yet we don’t talk about this as much. There is a message that guys are supposed to put up with whatever badness a woman brings into a relationship as long as she is attractive. So what if the wife cheats on her husband, at least she looks good. So what if the wife brings the family to financial ruin with outrageous amounts of spending, at least she looks good. So what if the wife is socially/emotionally/etc… distant from the kids, at least… Read more »
So their failure is really the failure of the woman who isn’t beautiful enough for them? I think more accurately is that a lot of men out ther are willing to put up with bad behavior from a woman as long as she is beautiful. They use her beauty as a point of pride and ego. As if her beauty is something that makes him a better person. They let their lust and sexual drive cloud their good judgement. Part of that may have to do with ideas of masculinity but a bigger part of that is the fact that… Read more »
So their failure is really the failure of the woman who isn’t beautiful enough for them?
I said no such thing.
What I am saying is that men are taught to put an extreme amount of value in physical attractiveness to the point that they ignore things that are almost certain to cause problems later.
If you want to point out a failure then I’d say the failure lies in teaching guys that the only thing that really matters in a partner is a woman’s physical beauty and that other things don’t matter (when they actually do of course).
And who is teaching boys and men that a woman’s phsyical beauty is the only thing that matters?
Oh, perhaps, millions of years of evolution?
@Danny,
“I think a part of the reason men get this is message as to do with the way men are taught that they MUST be with an attractive woman as a part of being considered a “real man”.
Any man who thinks like this is a complete idiot! And just who is spreading this message? This must be a white male thing. Black men and Hispanic men do not believe in this crap. That why man us really laugh at how stupid a lot of white men appear to be when it comes to women.
I don’t know about that Jules. In regards to black men at least think about how rap music regularly pushed the idea that a “real gangsta” had women around him all the time that want to sleep with him. I think if being around and with attractive women weren’t prominent among black men I don’t think it would be so prevelant among hip/hop and rap music.
I agree with this. “Nice guys” bemoaning their failure in the dating world and then blaming women in general for their failure is incredibly immature, which is probably a major reason why they are in fact failing in dating women. If you aren’t having any luck with dating, stop looking for dates and blaming others and start focusing on improving and loving yourself. I think this goes for women as well who claim that men only want traditionally “hot” women. It’s really true, if you are happy with yourself and your life, then your happiness will be evident to others… Read more »
Nice men don’t call women females, like they’re some kind of Ferengi, it’s gross.
On the other hand I’m a lady, married to a very sweet, kind and wonderful man, who’s sexy as hell and treats me awesomely. Honestly, I feel like men who complain about women wanting assholes are never nice men.
@Madeira, ” Honestly, I feel like men who complain about women wanting assholes are never nice men.” Let’s put it this way: rarely do women want to f**k Mr. Nice Guy (assuming he IS really a nice guy). They would have have sex with other men. So, it is the genuinely nice men, but who might lack be lacking in confidence and swagger, who also complain about certain women. Yes, I know some men who consider themselves nice that I would characterize as borderline psychopaths and control freaks. Outside of business, I want nothing to do with them. They are… Read more »
I call women females sometimes, usually to refer to teenage and adult females though in the dating sense. Feels strange saying a 14 year old is a woman and dating starts in highschool for many. Female isn’t meant to other them as some weird species but simply refer to gender?
Nonsense. Nice Guys don’t struggle because they aim for the hottest girl or women that don’t like them they struggle because women in general are not attracted to them.
BS, Tim and you know it
@Tim Parsons,
The TRUTH!!!
Women tend to only be interested in nice men when they are ready to marry or for LTRs. However, most women still, even after marriage, do not find such men attractive.
Unfortunately, here in America most women flatly deny such and refuse to even talk about it.
SOME women, not all. I know quite a few women that love typical nice guys and go for them. Unlucky for me they are married now 😛
My ex-gf swore that I had been to first men in all her life to show interest in her. If I had assumed she would not ever be attracted to a nice guy like me, I would have passed her by like all other men. And ironically, she would have stayed alone too.
Tim, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen men by-pass the less obviously sexual girl for the one who was putting all out there and then complained when she picked another man over him. It didn’t matter what the man looked like, they all idoloized the same kind of girl that reflected society’s ideal of beauty, the kind of girl you would find in a man’s Magazine. They idolized her for her looks, not for who she was as a person. And they ignored perfectly nice women who where sitting right infront of them and then complained about… Read more »
@Erin,
I will take a homely looking woman any day over the alternative.
Some of the most ordinary women turn out to be extraordinary women.
Happy Holidays!
Well, i would hope you were attracted to the woman too Jules. Even not so socially conventionally attractive women want their partner to find them attractive. And I think in today’s world, with so much media hype, the expectations for how women should look is so much hasher.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you as well.
Agreed to a point Tim.
A big part of the Nice Guy tries to draw up the situation as if all that’s going on is guys are skipping over any and all women except the most conventionally attractive. Yes that does happen but at the same time there are a lot of guys who are showing interest in girls that are not.
In short we can’t nail down the entire issue by just saying guys are only going after the hottest women.
“Nice guys finish last” is the rallying cry of misogynists everywhere. What it actually means is “I’m a nice guy, so attractive women should have sex with me, even if they don’t find me attractive.”
Thank you Todd!
Assuming men who complain of the nice guy phenomenom are misogynists is the rallying cry for ignorant folk too though. There are plenty of men who are not misogynist but are frustrated with conflicting messages society gives them on what is attractive and what isn’t. Some men have entitlement issues but most I find are just frustrated and feel like society is confusing the message too much. What do you expect when you get a man being told women love nice guys, and he’s seen multiple women who say they like nice guys go for guys known to be jerks?… Read more »
My experience has told me that it more oftenis the case that some women say X (and indeed go for X), while others go for Y (and don’t deny it either, though they typically use euphemisms). The problem is that men often desire to have general one-size-fits-all rules for women’s behaviour. I think this happens when you were not brought up to have instinctive dating skills and have to learn it “manually” at a later age. Pickup artistry promises that solution (though it does not deliver), which makes it so seductive. Then there is the tendency of insecure guys to… Read more »
I dabbled a bit in the nice guy stuff when I was younger. I was being pissed at being used by certain women, women I’d listen to tell me all this stuff bout how bad a guy was, then telling me how GREAT I was and acting like I was sexy…but not wanting me, then saying they want a guy like me?!? I told those women to fuckoff and never spoke to them again because they were disgusting humans with how they use people. By use I mean expect everything, and are never there for you. I have a bunch… Read more »
Spoken like someone that’s not getting the full picture.
Lesson #1: this is the utter truth! I have had guys tell me I was the “love of” their lives… Although, looking back, I can see that was just a falsehood ….some people do not know how to love or even know what that is… Or sadly, even the basics of social niceties, let alone loving relationships….treating me like a bandaid to cover up the overwhelming holes in their lives is just a big letdown because they don’t love themselves …. All I can say is that there are more than a few adults walking around who act like wounded… Read more »
Being cool is over rated. And the Fonz went through women like I go through underwear.
I don’t get what’s wrong about being one of ” them” “badass chicks in a tight skirt”. When you other or stereotype women in that way, it makes this piece sound like more chauvinistic “nice guy” bullcrap.
You are very right indeed! When men are complaining they are not getting anywhere because they are nice guys, they often make the very same mistake they accuse women of: They are trying for the assholes. I once came across some tumblr page called Assholes with hot girlfriends or something (can’t find it again now, sorry), which I guess was meant to illustrate that nice guy cynical stereotype. Looking at the fotos I realized right away that the writer of the page had made the same mistake, which was to judge a girl’s worth by her “hotness” and also using… Read more »
Truth.
Yes, exactly!
Don’t judge the mistakes of others without first asking if you make the same mistake.
I used to have the same train of thought “girls like jerks”, with the exception that instead of thinking “so I’ll become a jerk” I thought “so I guess I’ll be single for a while.”
By college, I quickly discovered how much women, and the people around me, appreciated this stance. I went from nervously single, to dating or being confidently single.
Yes!! Thank you. I can not tell you how many times men bypass great women just to get to pornstar looking women who they KNOW wont give them a serious relationship. Yet they will blame women.
But let a woman complain about men and yet we are still to blame.
Unbelievable.
Also as a girl who looks like “the air headed porn star with cosmetic surgery” type, some of us are perfectly nice, intelligent people. I’m a published writer, and spend most of my spare time doing historical research. Suggesting that collagen injections and false eyelashes make me a lesser human being is shitty, and judge-y, and gets into the whole “Showing cleavage means you don’t get to have a brain” cultural trope, which is one I’ve had to put up with my entire life. My husband’s not a douchebag, he’s a sweet, wonderful, smart human-being who I adore, and I… Read more »
” and I hate the idea that women who look the way I do are always insipid or unintelligent.”
I have a few friends who are models, they’re usually very nice. One is doing their degree and has accomplished quite a lot but I’m sure many just think of her looks without realizing she is intelligent, funny and has a kind heart. Many people too often judge a book by it’s cover..
Madelra, when it comes to dating, men are more likely to pick the beautiful woman who isn’t a great person vs the homely woman who isn’t a great person. And I really think that’s all that is being said. Too many men let a woman’s looks dictate her worth and value in him dating her romantically. I can undertand your frustration somewhat because sometimes there is a stereotype about women that have cosmetic surgery. But I think you also need to understand that on this topic, women’s looks are getting discussed because often men are only looking at women as… Read more »
@Erin,
“Too many men let a woman’s looks dictate her worth and value in him dating her romantically.”
Not me!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, too many men do as you state. It is completely dumb.
“Madelra, when it comes to dating, men are more likely to pick the beautiful woman who isn’t a great person vs the homely woman who isn’t a great person.” Post the statistics please, otherwise you’re making yet another generalization. Do women choose richer men over good men too? “Too many men let a woman’s looks dictate her worth and value in him dating her romantically.” I don’t let anything happen. I have a certain standard of physical attraction, it’s there, I cannot force attraction, I’ve tried it before and it was very bad. Physical attraction is important. I will never… Read more »
I don’t need to post “statistics” to state what is true based on what I’ve observed and my own life experience. I don’t even know anyone, except you, who would actually disagree with my statement. I also do not see you posting statistics for every little comment you want to make on many topics I see you post in. If you are so concerned with statistics, perhaps you should pay more attention to your comments and how many of them are hardly factual statistics but instead made up of your own ideas, values, knowledge and experience. Based on your comments,… Read more »